


cruel intentions

by kylorensgf



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adult Content, Angst and Humor, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bloodplay, Bruises, Brutal Murder, Cannibalism, Chains, Choking, Dark fic, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Death, Don't Like Don't Read, Dubious Consent, Explicit Language, F/M, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, Fingerfucking, Force Choking (Star Wars), Gaslighting, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I promise it gets better, I'm Going to Hell, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Lightsabers, Loss of Virginity, Manipulation, Manipulative Kylo Ren, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mind Control, Murder, No Aftercare, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Overstimulation, Please Don't Hate Me, Possessive Kylo Ren, Reader-Insert, Rough Sex, Sarcasm, Slight fluff, Slow Burn, Smut, Song: Toxic (Britney Spears), Spit Kink, Stockholm Syndrome, Teeth breaking, The Author Regrets Everything, The First Order Sucks, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Top Kylo Ren, Verbal Humiliation, Wax Play, i cry while writing these chapters, kylo is conflicted 24/7, kylo ren calls you his little flower, kylo ren is an ACTUAL psychopath, kylo ren likes hurting you, mostly inspired by TVD, ok so maybe the ending is a bit sad, reader is a resistance fighter, sewing into the skin, the reader is always running away, there is nothing healthy or safe about this book, very heavy smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:53:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 93,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25194979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylorensgf/pseuds/kylorensgf
Summary: you're sarcastic, sharp-tongued and skilled, only caring about your family, the resistance. with the first order attacking the resistance base, you try to kill their strong commander, kylo ren. your poor plan backfires and he takes you, becoming his personal prisoner. he may just have to keep you around forever.
Relationships: Ben Solo & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 15
Kudos: 39





	1. chapter one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***this fanfic is heavily inspired by These Violent Delights by Luna-Auctor/Lunaxxx***
> 
> the themes taken in this book should never be taken place/be taken into action in real life. i am in no way supporting/romanticizing the smut i write and portray throughout this fic. please read the tags so you know what is to come. thank you and enjoy. <3

the sky was quiet and the only sound heard was people talking to each other about different things. you only focused on discussing fixing spacecrafts with rose and poe, both of them joking around with you. you liked being with your friends and it was normal for you all to talk while fixing it up. you were good at being an engineer, most of the times. you were better at other things.

"how the fuck do i tie these two wires together?" rose asked and you chuckled, squatting down to help her out. you examined it for yourself, humming in concentration and nodded. you got the wires from her fingers, doing it yourself and smiled in accomplishment when it was finished. "you do it so easily! you've got to teach me one day!"

"i'll teach you the day when the bad guys are taken down and we are at peace." you responded and poe raised his brows, sighing. "so basically never." he said and you slapped his arm, himself wincing. "i'm just saying! they're never going to back down and i sometimes doubt that we will win. let's not forget their psycho commander."

"ah, the same commander who mind controlled you and your sarcastic ass gave him the information about our droid?" you reminded poe and rose giggled, looking down to hide away her smile. "one day, he will be dead and the first order is practical shit, dude. don't doubt us, we are better than them." you said with such courage, smiling and he sighed, nodding. 

the fun chattering died away when the alarm went off, people instantly panicking. it only meant one thing really. "oh fuck, not today." you mumbled and said your farewells to your friends, running outside to look up at the sky.

tie fighters were clear to see, with a bigger aircraft approaching along them. all you had was your blaster. the only person who had more strength than anyone here was rey, but she was away with luke skywalker. nobody knew when she would return. she was with him for training and to help the resistance, taking down the commander of the first order.

resistance pilots were already taking off, shooting back at the tie fighters as the aircraft shuttle landed, stormtroopers running out. everyone spreader throughout the forest, shooting over and over again. you looked at your blaster, taking great shots at the stormtroopers, knocking them out. you had better aim than them.

with a turn on your heel, you saw the commander, kylo ren. he looked everywhere, standing still on the ramp with a ginger-haired male next to him, both of them watching the commotion going on. kylo ren's hood was over his head, mask on too and practical cape draped behind him. 

you remembered what you said to poe before the attack. the commander being dead. this was your chance, since it seemed no one else around you wanted to do it. to was a perfect plan, too. the plan of murdering kylo ren. you ran to a tree, hiding behind it and peeked over your shoulder. you were startled by finn, who didn't want to shoot or anything.

"can't you see i'm busy over here?" you asked and he apologized, out of breath. "you should be protecting us or the general! are you fucking stupid?" your attention went off kylo ren, in disbelief finn wasn't doing anything. "you're the stupid one for wanting to kill the commander! don't forget what he did to han." finn told you and you sighed, shaking your head.

"just mind your own business and go help out. i got this." you mumbled and finn sighed, nodding. he got away from you and you groaned in frustration to yourself, going back to putting a headshot target to kylo. you made sure to keep yourself well hidden behind the tree, finger on the trigger. 

you pulled the trigger and seconds before it could reach his head, kylo ren used his force to stop it from getting to him. he held the shot there and eyes behind the mask connected with yours. you were beyond fucked. you couldn't run back to the resistance. you had to hide. kylo pushed the shot back to you and you ducked, with it hitting the tree instead. 

his lightsaber activated and you shot more, trying not to show fear to him. you wouldn't allow yourself to. you were able to take him down. he was nothing but someone in a stupid outfit and in a ridiculous mask, a lightsaber that had such a basic color. 

his feet started leading your way and it was slow, yet methodical. he wouldn't run to you or anything. patient and willingly giving you time to save yourself. you swallowed thickly and bolted off, running through the forest. feet crunched on branches, nearly tripping over tree roots and you panted, never wanting to look behind you. 

you could still hear the shooting and people of the resistance panicking, your own self finally hiding behind a huge rock, curling up. you held your knees to your chest and waited, only hearing few birds chirp or fly away. you calmed yourself down, smiling to the image of nearly getting kylo. 

you were finally calm and noise went away, everything going back to being quiet. something bad must have happened, you could feel it. you slowly got up and you turned around, the tip of kylo's red lightsaber to your face. your heart stopped and you looked at it, eyes going to him. "foolish move you made back there." he said and you scoffed, shrugging.

"oh, that thing? yeah, i just want you dead." you confessed, smiling and chuckled bitterly. "you're not the only one, darling." he responded and his voice from the mask sent shivers down your spine, palms sweating. you just wanted this guy dead. you wanted him to suffer, and you knew he deserved it. he was evil and vile, in every possible way. when you founded out he killed his own father, you cried and were in shock. "you want me dead that badly?"

you forgot he could read into your mind. he could hear every thought that coursed through your brain, knowing what you felt or were exactly thinking. he could tell how you would love to hear the announcement of him being dead and gone, the first order being nothing anymore. they couldn't rule without a leader. 

"if you're going to kill me, i suggest you get it done with already and drop my corpse to the resistance like garbage." you said and kylo nodded, humming. he lowered his weapon, that raged a bright red and hummed right by his side. a strong pressure paralyzed you in your spot, keeping you hostage. he let his force keep you frozen in your spot, observing every detail of you. 

he got closer to you, his lightsaber going back into hiding and he placed it to his side. you could smell him. he smelt like pinewood and a bit of mint, mixed with sweat. you never knew if the guy showered. 

kylo's gloved hand touched your cheek, cupping and thumb stroking it. he took a few steps back, taking more of you in. it seemed like a predator checking out its prey, needing it and ready to attack at any second.

your vocals and muscles stayed restricted by the force, barley able to breathe properly. kylo was thinking something, and you wished you knew what it was. you couldn't tell what he was attracted to on your body. all you had on was a dirty beige short sleeved tunic, with matchable colored trousers, having spots of oil on them. you were sure you smelt far from delicious since he leaned in closer to the side of your head, looking at your face. 

your feet were hurting from running for miles, your body tensed and possessed by the strong force, never going away. your voice was begging to scream when his hands were on your waist, trailing up to the sides of your stomach.

"i'm going to take away this force and when i do, you don't run or scream. if you do, i have no other choice but to kill you. i doubt anyone would miss you." kylo warned and you gasped for air when it washed away, lungs gaining oxygen finally. you didn't care about his warning. you needed to get away from him immediately. he was a monster.

your feet took you slightly backwards, seeing a path in the right corner of your eye. you ran and almost reached it, the force tying you strapped down in your place. you were so close. kylo feet approached behind you, his hand touching your back.

he thought to himself again and faced you, fingers curling around your jaw. you wanted to bite him, kick him or spit in his face, to get his filthy hands off of your face. you hated the fact he was even close to you. then again, you didn't listen. 

"hm, you'll be just nice." he mumbled and in a snap, you blacked out into dreamland. kylo picked you up in his arms, one arm under your knees and the other under your back, carrying you securely back to his command shuttle. 

the resistance base was damaged and they already took off minutes ago, not even knowing you were gone. you were asleep peacefully in kylo's arms, as he placed you down on co-pilot seat in the back of his shuttle. 

"who's the girl?" general hux asked in such disgust, face scrunching up at the sight of you. "this better not be a personal reasoning, ren."

"even if it was, it's better if you mind your own business. now, let's get back. i have business to take care of." kylo replied, already sitting down next to you and watched you sleep, being peaceful.

kylo smirked in delight and the command shuttle took off.


	2. chapter two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you come face to face with the creature in a mask. you don’t know why you’re with him, but he does. this is only the start.

your head was pounding and you felt slightly nausea, eyes fluttering open. it took a while for your vision and self to adjust to the lighting in the room you were in. you gained memory and your eyes landed straight onto kylo, who was sitting down. he watched you as you slept.

you tried to get up, but you were tied down, wrists and ankles, back touching a cold bar. it was an uncomfortable seat, as you could say and describe. "feeling comfortable enough?" kylo asked and you scoffed, nodding. "oh, totally! this must be the best seat on the first order, huh? aren't i so lucky!" you said, enough sarcasm in your tone for kylo to catch onto. "what the fuck do you want, dude?"

"you do remember you tried murdering me, correct?" he questioned and you gave him a curt nod, lips in a thin line. "well, let's think of it this way. firstly, your so called family left you behind the minute we attacked their base. secondly, you tried to hurt me and for that, there are consequences you must face."

"i rather die, is that okay to you? just impale me with your lightsaber like you did to your father, you son of a bitch." you taunted and he sat up, tilting his head. he did his perverted stare on your body, hands balling into tight fists. "aw, did that make you mad, kylo ren? fucking pathetic."

"you are making this very hard on yourself. if i were you, even being in your position, i would keep my mouth shut." kylo warned and your eyebrows drew together, shaking your head. "all you are is some person in a mask. you're foolish, weak and a monster. you're a creature in a mask." you came back at him and he hummed, hands touching the sides of his helmet.

with a few clicks, he lifted it up and revealed himself, placing it in on some table. his jawline was perfection, eyes being a soft brown and lips were smooth, natural pink. his hair was a curly mess, and a scar was printed on the right side of his face. you could admit to yourself at least, he was beautiful. yet beauty doesn't change what someone has done.

"you have no choice anymore, and i have full control over you now. you were abandoned and look at me, being somewhat considerate and taking you into my practical empire." he started off and you stared away from him, looking at the small buttons on a panel. "we will change you out of these filthy clothes and you'll be kept in a solitary confinement."

"solitary confinement? no, just kill me now. i rather die than be around you." you told him and looked at him again, himself getting closer to you.

kylo was at your side, handing hover over your head and a sharp pressure triggered it, feeling like a painful migraine. "you seem so sad and alone. yet, you don't want anyone to see your vulnerability and tried to hide who you truly are." he said and you groaned, trying to fight him off with your thoughts by shutting them out. it was impossible.

"get out of my head." you mumbled and screamed when the pressure got more intense, heart racing. your head could explode off. "you think of leia as your mother. something you never had. she isn't much, and doesn't care about you." he continued on and your screams got louder, throat hurting.

kylo's hand pulled back and you tried to catch your breath, regaining conscious. it affected you so badly, you could feel vomit coming up your throat. "fuck.. you.." you muttered, sweating and panting, reaching your head out to the side. you puked, all over his shoes and he stepped back, not understanding how you were the only person to get sick from his mind control bullshit.

"i could really use some sort of fucking napkin to clean my mouth, please. or are you just going to stand there, dumbass?" you asked and he stepped out of the room for a minute, considering his shoes were covered with vomit.

kylo then came back with a nurse, helping you rinse out your mouth and clean you up, checking your temperature too. it was a quick check up, the nurse nodding to herself. "it seemed she was just nervous and overwhelmed, leading to her throwing up. i consider she rests and stays hydrated, sir." the nurse informed kylo and he nodded, thanking her. she walked out and you were left with kylo, still strapped down.

"you're not going to apologize for getting me sick?" you wondered and he smirked, shaking his head. "are you going to apologize for trying to kill a supreme leader?" he shot back and you scoffed, shrugging. "then no, and i certainly have no reason to apologize to you, darling."

"don't call me that, you scum." you said and kylo hummed, getting his mask. "sorry then, princess. your room is ready and i will talk to you tomorrow when it's time for breakfast." he said and a few stormtroopers stepped in as backup. they knew you'd jump kylo the moment you were unrestrained.

"i don't want to go anywhere with you. i rather stay here and rot to death than walk with your ass." you spat and he chuckled, giving the stormtroopers an eye signal. they minded their own business and obeyed, leaving you two alone. "you're going to kill me now?"

"no. you see, you have no choice anymore. you have nowhere to go now, princess. you're stuck with me, so you should just listen." he suggested and you scoffed, spitting in his face.

kylo wiped away your saliva with his gloved hand, looking down at it and grinned, curling into a tight fist. he was thinking something. he was figuring something out in that sickening head of his.

his hand grasped onto your jaw, holding it tightly in his hand and you whimpered, furrowing your brows. "let's play nice and you won't get hurt." he whispered and you spat in his face again, breathing heavily. "don't fucking touch me." you raged, fed up with whatever he was having in mind for you.

"well, that's all that is going to happen while you're stuck with me here. you have no way out. you're mine now and that means, i own you in every possible way." kylo said and you swallowed thickly, both of you staring into each other's eyes.

"i don't belong to anybody. i'm not your pet and i will never, ever want to be claimed by you; someone who is a monster and sick in the head."

kylo's face leaned in closer to yours, his thumb running over your bottom lip. "we'll see." he whispered and stood straight up, wiping away your saliva for the second time. "i've changed my mind. i don't want you in the solitary room. you'll be staying with me."

"with you? fuck no! i want to be fucking out of here, and i hope you know the resistance will be on the first order's ass even more now since you kidnapped one of their members, you fucking bitch!" you yelled and kylo only stood there, a smirk on his face, nodding too."you're a piece of shit!"

"if they cared so much about you, or even noticed you were gone, they would've waited for you to aboard onto their ship, don't you think so?" he wondered, and you shut yourself up immediately, biting the inside of your cheek. maybe he did have a valid point, yet you knew the resistance loved you. they wouldn't leave anyone behind.

"they're going to find me and i can't wait for the day you're dead." you replied and stormtroopers came in with handcuffs, handing them to kylo. "am i going to sleep on the same bed as you?"

"of course not. you'll be sleeping on the floor. i just need to keep a close eye on you and for other reasons, that are quite.. personal, as i should say. i presume you need some rest, especially after your little accident." kylo said and you were out of the straps, carefully standing up. five stormtroopers and kylo ren watched every little movement and stepped you made, the supreme leader himself glancing at you. 

handcuffs hostaged your wrists, kylo walking in front of you as the stormtroopers trailed behind and you needed to run. you didn't care what would happen, you just needed to get the hell away from kylo and return back to the resistance, or go to some other planet to get into possible contact with them. 

you bit down on your tongue, head hung down and looked at the pattern of kylo's walking, thinking what you could do. your feet weren't resisted or anything. you could kick and run, hid somewhere since the ship was huge. or you could act like you were sick again, faking a cough or vomit.

you smirked to yourself and stopped yourself in your tracks, starting to cough. "i don't feel very well." you told them and kept your head down, the stormtroopers not knowing what to do. kylo was slightly concerned, hearing how dry the coughs were. 

he stepped closer towards you and when his face got near yours, you elbowed him in the face. you kicked him down and ran away, the stormtroopers chasing you. you panted and though your wrists were still locked together, you never allowed yourself to walk. 

you peeked over your shoulder, seeing kylo slowly stepping behind you and blood was coming out his nose, dripping down into his mouth when he smirked. the blood stained his teeth and you looked away, being tackled to the ground aggressively by a stormtrooper.

"what the fuck, dude!" you groaned, your body hurting from the knock over and heavy footsteps rang into your ears. kylo was standing over your body, not worried about the bloody nose you gave him. the stormtrooper yanked you up and pushed you into kylo's body, who's hands touched your waist, fingers digging in. 

"oh, what to do with you, princess.." he asked himself and his hand clutched onto the back of your neck, guiding you to his chambers, as you assumed. "let's clear up one thing, sweetheart. you're going to do exactly whatever the fuck i tell you to do and you get to keep your face pretty, soft and happy. if you choose to be a ignorant brat, your forever time here will be miserable."

"forever time? you're delusional, asshole." you shot back and you got into the elevator with him, the doors closing in seconds. kylo's grip loosened and his hand slithered down your back, to your hips, going to your bottom. he stopped there and smirked to himself, licking his lips. "can you stop being disgusting?"

"you enjoy such filthy, disgusting things, princess. though, you are still not.. deflowered." he acknowledged and your heart stopped, shaking your head to deny what he was saying. "not only did i hear your sad thoughts, i also heard such vile, lewd things you wonder late at night when you touch yourself. do you really think i'm the one who is disgusting?" 

the elevator doors opened and you stayed silent, feeling embarrassed inside. you hated him even more for getting into your very private thoughts. his hatch door opened and revealed his quarters, that was large, dimmed inside and very cold. you didn't know how to exactly feel with being in the same room with kylo ren, especially when its for "forever."

kylo's room had a king sized bed, black silk comforters coating it and had a small desk next to it, couple of books on it, with some writing items. he also had a couch, assuming he took naps there, a soft blanket on it too. he disappeared into his bathroom for a moment to clean up his bloody nose and to wash out the red from his mouth, fixing himself to look proper. "you must rest now. we have breakfast to attend to quite early in the dawn." he took off the restraints and you shivered from the cold room, eyes taking in every detail of it. "come rest here."

you obeyed, agreeing to sleep on the couch since you needed energy and to forget everything that has happened so far. you heard rattling of metal, kylo's hand touching your wrists and you freaked out. he was chaining you to his bed. this isn't what you needed. you were being treated like his pet. the chain tied to your wrist, having a lock to it and kylo was the only one to have the key, stuffing it away into his back pocket.

you ignored it, rolling your eyes and covered yourself with the blanket. you eyes may have rested, but your mind didn't. you needed to create a plan to get out in twenty four hours. you needed to get out of the chains and contact the resistance.

you would wait until kylo was either asleep or gone.


	3. chapter three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you have quite the attitude with kylo ren, hating him even more since he has you captive. you are now his prisoner and you could say, you rather be dead than with him.

you woke up slowly and with a small headache, looking around room which you remembered was kylo's. he was not in his bed or in the room, your wrist still chained. he had the key and you needed out of the chain, the metal of it tight around you.

you checked your pocket to see if you had anything, fingers grabbing a hair pin. you smiled and picked at the lock with the pin, heart beating. you were filled with anxiety, afraid kylo could walk in any second.

it came unlock and you took it off along with the chains, making a clattering noise. you got up and ran to the hatch door, that was locked. you cursed under your breath and saw another door, running to that one. it opened easily and the lightning in it was a bright white.

the room was cold and you entered it, being curious to what the room had inside it. there was a window where you could see infinite galaxy, stars twinkling and millions of planets far away. you saw a stand in the middle of the room, a black blob on it. it seemed like some sort of importance and history.

you stood in front of it, head tilting and fingers touching it. it was something, and you certainly put your finger on what it was, thinking to yourself. both hands picked it up and your heart sunk when you were finally able to make out the shape. the shape of a mask. a helmet. remembrance.

the helmet of darth vader.

your shaky hands dropped it, breaking into pieces. you were beyond fucked and were going to die. die in the hands of kylo ren. you were sure he'd send your corpse to the resistance or just dump it like garbage. you couldn't fix the helmet you just broke. you knew it was something special to kylo and you destroyed it.

you picked up the pieces, putting them back on the stand and didn't know what else to do. you knew sooner or later, kylo would come into this room, finding the damage you had done.

"just act like.. nothing happened. blame it on someone else.." you said to yourself, even in your head, calming yourself down. you inhaled sharply, trying to shake off the horrific memory and left the room.

the hatch door closed behind you, bumping into something. someone, to be exact. "it seems like you really are a ignorant brat." kylo's voice behind the mask spoke, being afraid to look up at him. "do you enjoy being disobedient?"

you didn't respond, biting on your tongue, though the repetitive image of breaking the mask coursed through your brain, like a unforgettable memory. you didn't know what could happen to you now.

"what did you do?" kylo asked and you shook your head, telling yourself to keep a calm composure to seem innocent. he pushed passed you and opened the hatch door, being too late to stop him from walking inside the other room. you stood there, watching him and he noticed the shattered pieces right away. you saw his gloved hands clenched into tight fists, his back to you and breathing becoming heavy. you knew he was mad. angry. pissed off. all the many synonyms of feeling your blood boil.

"did you do this?" he asked and you didn't say a word, murmuring a no. "fucking speak up!"

his yelling caused you to flinch and you couldn't dig yourself deeper in a hole you couldn't climb out of. you had to be honest. "yes.. i was curious.. and saw that.." you replied and he hummed, looking at you finally. "i'm sorry."

kylo took off his helmet, tossing it to the side. he always stared at you. ever since you tried to murder him, he just stared and wondered. you could feel his eye burning through your soul, reading your mind and knew every single thing about you.

he said your name. you were surprised he even knew your name. the way it rolled off his tongue was perfect to you. you felt a strong pressure on your cunt, whimpering from it and noticed kylo's fingers. he was using the force, and it was so strong that you couldn't handle it. "please.. i'm sorry.." you pleaded, shoving your noises down your throat. it was pleasurable, but also painful.

"you're begging now? where's that smart mouth of yours, hm? come on, darling. i thought you were better than this." he taunted and you whimpered quietly, pressing your thighs together. you couldn't tell him you were enjoying some sort of power on your cunt, that made you want to have more. you couldn't fall under kylo ren already. you wouldn't submit. "that's what i fucking thought. you're pathetic and useless, sweetheart. look at you.. you have no one else, i'm all you have now."

"i will never ever fall to you. i'm not your stupid army people here, who are dumb and are only working for your weak self just so they can save their own fucking lives. they don't like you, ren. nobody fucking likes you! you're nothing!" with every word you spoke, he took a step closer to you. when you were finished, the force disappeared and a hard object connected with your jaw.

you collapsed to the ground, touching the spot where you'd practically been punched and kylo had his lightsaber in his hand. "i'm sorry. what was that?" he squatted down and blood filled your mouth, spitting it out to the ground. another hit from his weapon and you weeped in pain, tears threatening to fall from your eyes.

you turned your head to face him, spitting your blood into his face. "no matter what the fuck happens to me or whatever you plan to do, i will never submit to you." you told him and he smeared the blood off his face, nodding. his face leaned in close to yours, and you saw pure evil in his eyes. you saw a monster by staring into them. someone who felt no remorse, sympathy or empathy.

"we'll see."

kylo stood himself off, loving the view of yourself struggling to stand as more blood came out of your mouth. blood dripped down your chin, staining your shirt. "i think you'll be just fine in solitary, all alone." he said and you shook your head, vision being blurry too.

"no no.. rooms like that are never good, and i don't trust your people." you said and he hummed, thinking that meant you trusted him. "and don't think i have the slightest trust in your either, kylo ren."

he hummed again and you hated that's all he could ever respond with, mocking it. "we have breakfast to attend to. i put new clothes on the sink counter and you must bathe. tonight, you will come straight back here since you are certainly not getting away with this." he informed and you nodded, walking out of the room.

you found the bathroom easily, going inside and closing the door. the bathtub was already filled with water and bubbles, the scent of lavender capturing your nose.

you firstly went to the sink, seeing the clothes on the countertop and then stared into the mirror. you rinsed the blood out of your mouth with water, your jaw pounding in pain. you would just have to live with it.

you sighed, cheeks puffing out and you stripped out of your gross clothes. you've worn them for probably months, since the resistance technically didn't exactly make fashion for everyone.

you put one foot into the tub, another one going in afterwards and sat down, the hot water coating your body. the water was nice and fresh, easily relaxing. you didn't want to have a meal with kylo ren and rather starve yourself then be in his presence as you ate.

you washed off your body and face with the soap bar that was mint fragranced, only spending about fifteen minutes in the tub. you got out of it and dried off your body with the towel, covering yourself with it all. the towel was soft and warm, fresh out of the dryer probably. the first order was luxurious.

the brand new clothes were baggy sweats, a form-fitting cropped tee and new shoes that were just like kylo's, all of it being completely black. you sighed and changed into it, humming to yourself. it was better clothes than what the resistance had, at least.

you needed to a better plan and a way to contact the resistance. they had to have some communication patch-in. you knew they couldn't have forgotten about you. you had too much possibilities on your mind and you were frightened enough that kylo could hear them.

you exited the bathroom, three stormtroopers waiting to escort you. you rolled your eyes and groaned, being shielded by them when going to wherever kylo was at. they even had their weapons out, ready to shoot you at any second if you did a stupid stunt again.

another hatch door swift opened and there was kylo with the ginger boy again. "you look fitting. armitage hux, please meet my guest." kylo introduced you and you flipped them both off, the setting being a huge dining room. the table was long, kylo being at the end-head of it and hux on the other ending. you sat on the side, many items of foods and drinks on the table.

you sat down, your eyes going back and forth on them, already uncomfortable being in their presence. "i know you wouldn't treat a prisoner like royalty unless you two wanted something, so cough it up, you fucks." you started off, drinking the fresh orange juice out of your cup and waited.

"we need information on the resistance. since you were abandoned by them and now under us, we want answers. especially about your droid." hux said and you smiled, gesturing your hand for him to come over to you. he did, close in your face and you smiled, burping in his own face. you bursted out into a laughter, shaking your head. "yeah, i'm not telling you anything." you mumbled, eating the fruits.

"sweetheart." kylo glared at you and you mannered yourself by saying excuse me, pissed off that they didn't have humor to them. hux sat back down, wiping his face with the napkin. "and general, she is under me and my control, not the first order's."

"do not tell me this is a personal reasoning again, ren." hux shot back and they continued to bicker about you, only paying attention on eating. you really didn't give a shit for what they had in mind for you. you just wanted to get away from them and the ship you were on. you didn't know how much longer you could survive being around them.

"can you both just.. shut the fuck up?" you asked, a brow rose in curiosity and they turned their heads to you, both in shock. "i'm just saying. you sound like an old married couple fighting for no apparent fucking reason and its annoying."

"you are a disrespectful.." hux was cut off when kylo put up his hand as a sign for him to stop talking and hux closed his yap. the same pressure from earlier was back on your cunt, and you inhaled sharply, fingernails digging into your palm. you tried your hardest to not make it obvious in front of hux; it would be very embarrassing. you furrowed your brow together in frustration, giving him the middle finger one more time and it was becoming irresistible to ignore the pressure.

you weren't too far from kylo and you reached for your cup, splashing the orange juice in his face, the force going away. hux's eyes widen, a smirk of pride on your face and kylo remained calm for a few seconds, thinking to himself. orange juice droplets came down from his chin, nose and hair tips, using his hand to get it off from his eyes.

you didn't say anything, taking in every second of speechless kylo, angry and tense. his jaw was tightened up, breathing heavily and hummed. if he hummed that meant only two things; he was thinking or couldn't calm himself down.

hux removed himself from strong tension premises and you were yet again left alone with kylo ren. he sat up from his chair, methodically approaching close to your body. his hand hovered over your head, your skull being crushed by the force and you screamed from how strong it was this time.

"you will go to my quarters, waiting completely naked on my bed and on your knees."

"i will go to your quarters, waiting completely naked on your bed and on my knees." you repeated and he grinned, nodding. you got up and you were already on your way to his quarters, muttering his words to yourself. you didn't know what just quite happened, but your mind and body were agreeing with it anyways.

you saw general hux eye you and let you be, going in a different direction. you wondered what he meant by _again_. was there someone else before you? did kylo kill her? did he get bored of her?

you kept wondering until you reached his chambers, going inside and doing as you were told to do.


	4. chapter four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you’re trying your hardest not to fall for kylo ren, in any possible way. you’re trying not to fall to your knees for him... literally.

you waited and waited. you waited for kylo ren to appear through the doors. you were bare naked and the cold conditioning didn't help you in any way. you felt exposed being bare baked on kylo's bed. you sat on your knees, head hung down and bit your lip.

time passed and whatever mind spell he put on you went away. you were tired too. you got up and changed back into your clothes, not caring if he got pissed at you. if he really wanted to kill you, he would have done it a day ago or the second he caught you in the forest. you asked yourself why he decided to keep you alive and what possible purpose you could bring to him.

you finished off with putting on your shoes and hummed to yourself, your hands cold when you heard the hatch door open up. "didn't i give you clear instructions?" kylo asked, taking off his mask that he put on his desk and you scoffed, getting up from the edge of his bed. you crossed your arms over your chest and rolled your eyes, shrugging.

"i don't know. did you, _commander_?"

he took steps closer to you and you didn't move, waiting to see what he would do. "i believe i did, sweetheart. or did your dumb brain not get that?" he asked and your feet shuffled back, your legs touching his bed the closer he got. "the helmet. disrespecting the first order's general. the orange juice. the fucking attitude of yours. i think i've quite had it."

"what attitude? i have no idea what you're talking about, _supreme leader._ " you teased and his fingers tightly wrapped around your throat, pushing you down onto the bed. he towered over you and the grasp was tight, hard to breathe. he could nearly block off your airway and he had no problem doing so.

"i suggest you fucking drop it or i'll do much worse than what i have in mind, princess. this is your last warning." he threatened and you smirked, chuckling. "that's all you really fucking got, huh? fucking pathetic." you said with all your full breath, spitting in his face. you enjoyed taunting him. it was exciting for you. the way you were able to push his buttons.

now both of his hands were on your throat, suffocating you and you whimpered, about to pass out from minimal breathing. you tried to fight him off of you and he grinned, throat being sunken into the mattress. "i could fucking kill you right here, with my bare hands.. and the last thing you'll see is just me, princess." he said and your head was getting hazy, heartbeat dying away.

kylo let go of your throat and you regained air, coughing. "next time, i will make sure you'll get what you deserve. that was barely anything." he adjusted his gloves and you sat up, kylo's back to you. "that's all you got, commander? i expected a monster like you to be a little more.. brutal, as i should say." you watched him make an easy, slow turn to finally face you.

"here. now." he snapped his fingers, pointing to the ground for you to sit. you didn't budge. instead, you crossed your legs and didn't show any emotion on your face. "did i fucking stutter? here, now!"

"no thank you. i prefer just to sit." you refused and he just looked at you. dead, evil eyes stared into yours and you regretted saying anything when his hand reached for his lightsaber. "wait, kylo!" you were too late to say anything else, his lightsaber hitting your jaw in the same spot as before, your voice screaming throughout the room. the pain was indescribable, kylo doing it again.

you broke down into sobs, shaking your head. "why are you crying, hm? you wanted this, sweetheart. isn't that why you try to test my patience? why you continue being a ignorant brat?" he questioned and you didn't answer, looking away from him.

when he grabbed your face to look at him in the eyes, you bit his hand and he pulled back instantly. one more hit and blood rushed into your mouth like a crazy river, running down your chin. kylo dropped his lightsaber, fingers curling into your hair to pick you up and threw you to the ground like a rag doll. "crawl to the corner, whore."

you obeyed, blood making spots on his floor and your vision was blurry, head pounding. he walked besides you and you collapsed onto the ground when you finally reached the corner, moaning in great pain.

you heard the familiar chains and he tied up your wrists to your ankles, impossible to break out of them, making sure they were tight around your skin. he wanted them to leave marks on you.

"i hope you don't mind. i invited some guests." kylo smirked and with blood continuing to fall out of your mouth, the hatch door opened again. multiple heavy footsteps approached behind kylo, keeping your head down. "come on, pet. be polite."

you didn't want to. you shook your head and a small frown was on your face, kylo squatting down to look at you. "be a good girl for me, hm? maybe i'll be a little nice if you obey, wouldn't you like that?" he asked and you nodded, sniffling some more. he stood back up and you greeted the men in masks, your voice being small. they all had masks on, their eyes behind them taking in each part of you like kylo did.

the blood was all over your shirt and pants, glad the fabric color was black. "why don't you each of you get more near her. she really enjoys attention." kylo informed them and one by one, they only squat down, touching your face or running their fingers over lips. they liked your lips a lot. "pretty little thing you are. my knights of ren seem to be pleased to see someone so ethereal as you."

_what could you possibly say to that?_ nothing. your mind to clicked to what kylo wanted from you. what he had in mind. some sick, filthy, cruel intentions. you were his pleasure and desire. he saw that as your now purpose, but it wasn't. you would never accept that purpose.

"you may leave now." kylo commanded to his men and they nodded, taking off in a blink. "fuck you! fuck you! fuck you!" you yelled at kylo, squirming in the chains and you were strictly restrained in them. "fuck you, you fucking giant, stupid ass skyscraper who will never be as powerful as his fucking grandfather! do you really think you can be darth vader? you must be fucking delusional there, fucking asshole!"

your voice was starting to get hoarse from how much you raised your voice at kylo. he found a simple way to shut you up; shoving his fingers into your mouth. two fingers in your mouth and your lips perfectly wrapped around them, feeling them touch the back of your throat. "what a dirt mouth we have here." he mumbled and you looked up at him as he kept moving his fingers deeper down your throat. "fuck, you look so pretty like this."

you grew needy and desperate. a virgin, needing kylo ren. it sounded even pathetic in your head. he slipped his out and held your mouth opened, spitting inside of it. you swallowed the taste of his saliva and your blood together, not being a well combination that you liked. "keep your mouth opened, baby." he started working on his lower clothing, unbuckling his belt and you waited, patiently.

you felt his cock go inside your mouth, your blood and saliva coating it. he didn't mind it, not the slightest bit. his fingers combed through your hair, gripping onto it and forced your mouth deeper onto his cock. you tried to take him all in, retching and needing air to breathe. kylo cursed and bit his lip, breathing heavily. he had full control over you in this moment. you were chained up, mouth being used for his gratification and the heat between your legs burned hotter every passing second.

you gagged every time the head hit the back of your throat, drool coming out of the corners of your mouth and squirmed. you worked harder on trying to breathe out of your nose, kylo restricting to let you breathe properly. he got off to you being helpless, weak and submissive under him. he had you, now. he would make sure you'd never leave. because if you tried to, he might just have to hurt you again and again, until you finally understood you belonged to him. _you weren't going anywhere._

"what a nasty slut you are, sweetheart." kylo muttered, looking up at him as his eyes shut and groaned, moaning your name in such a soft tone. "shit, i'm going to cum." he put your head locked in place, thrusting himself into your mouth and your eyes watered up, teardrops streaming down your cheeks. your face was flushed with red, a rush of ecstasy coursing through your body.

kylo moaned louder when his climax was released into your mouth, the salty taste of it poured down your throat and he got out. you were happy to breathe, never taking oxygen for granted again. before you could take that down your throat, he spat inside your mouth and slapped you, smirking in pure delight. "that's a good pet."

you licked your lower lip, getting the rest of him on your tongue. your hair was messy from how harsh he was grabbing onto it, tears staining your cheeks and exhausted. "have you learned your lesson now?" kylo fixed his clothing and you rolled your eyes, not responding. he went back to a squatting position, waiting for you to say something. "well?"

you zipped your mouth. his hand ran over your clothed cunt and you shivered, growing flustered. you tried to remind yourself to not fall for him or anything he did. you couldn't. not collapse under his seduction. you'd look too weak and vulnerable to him and the resistance. you couldn't fail the resistance. they were your home forever, not kylo ren or the first order

his hand left and you glanced at him from a side-eye, himself getting up. "you can rest here. after everything you've done, you don't really deserve nice things or a nice comforter to sleep on." he said and got the blanket from the couch, putting it over you to keep you warm in his freezing quarters. "i'll see you soon."

he walked out without saying anything else.


	5. chapter five.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you finally figure out your purpose of being on the first order. knights of ren and kylo are high involved in you, and certainly do want to be in you.

you sat down on the ground, still in chains and you hated it. time passed slowly or quickly, you weren't sure. you had your back to the wall, thinking about the pleasure you had given kylo. it replayed in your mind and the desperation came crawling back into you, desirable sensation running throughout you.

you were needy. for kylo. for his touch. it hadn't even been possibly two days and you were already starting to get seduced by him. you didn't know what receiving felt like obviously, but you needed it.

your ankles were tied together, the chain being brought up to your wrists, both in restricted from movement. you didn't want to try to stand because you knew you'd fall over and make noise. you wanted to be out of the chains just to touch yourself. you had done it before, only two times to see how it felt like. you too founded yourself filthy and disgusting for also wanting kylo ren to touch you. put his hands on you and have them explore your body. hear his moans and the way he said your name like an angel spoke.

you grew more desperate from all of it, your hand running over your clothed cunt and whined to yourself, licking your lips. you applied pressure to it, lids shutting close and put the image of sucking kylo off in your head again.

it was a struggle to touch yourself with the chains staining their marks onto your skin and tight around your wrists. you didn't know how long you had been touching yourself over your sweats, moaning and whining quietly.

you were so lost in and the fantasies you were creating in your head about kylo ren. the scenarios too. he already had this control over you and you didn't know whether to love it or hate it. he was your enemy. he was a monster. an evil man.

an evil man with such godly features to him, head to toe and the way you found yourself sickeningly attracted to him was insane. was it wrong to feel this way? the temptation and overall allure was too much, washing over you like a wave from the ocean, nearly drowning in it the further you got pulled in by kylo ren's charm.

you couldn't betray your family. the ones who saved you and were there for you when no one else was. you remembered kylo telling you how if they did care, they wouldn't have left you behind. you didn't want to doubt she resistance.

you were conflicted. conflicted on so many things. mind running back and forth from kylo to them. you didn't know your purpose anymore. you didn't know what to do.

the fracas stabbed your mind until it was gutted out and bleeding.

everything came back into one the second you heard the hatch door open, hand away from your lower area in a swift. heavy footsteps, many of them, coming your way.

you had your head down, seeing kylo's boots from the peak of your eyesight. "what were you doing?" kylo asked and you didn't make a movement response or said a single word, heart racing rapidly. "i heard you. your thoughts are very loud in my head, sweetheart. now, what were you doing?"

his knights of ren were behind him, ears perked up on the sound of him provoking you. they were intrigued with it.

"so glad you brought your posse again, asshole." you told him and finally looked him straight in the eye, smirking. "they all look fucking wusses, just like you. hiding behind a mask because they're actually too weak and pathetic."

one of them approach closer to you, but kylo stopped them by raising a hand as a signal. "aw, did that hurt your feelings? poor guy you are." you taunted and their hand around their big butcher knife handle got tighter, full of anger.

kylo hummed, getting the key from his pocket and unlocked your chains. the minute they were off, you stayed in the corner. you didn't move, not an inch. "you are allowed to remove them." kylo told his knights of ren and they nodded, doing so one by one. the mask came off slowly and surely, each face being revealed. their faces. you swore they were sculptured by a god or someone with artistic skills, because they did not seem real. your mouth watered and you could drool, the pulse in between your legs becoming intense. they were attractive.

"i know what you were doing and thinking. i'm not an idiot like you, darling." kylo smirked and was the last to take off his, all of them holding their masks in their hands. "vicrul, ushar, kuruk, trudgen, cardon, ap'lek.. please meet my pet, as i should say."

"fuck each and every one of you, you shitbags!" you shouted and stood up, kylo's force grasping onto your throat. he stepped close to you, feeling his hot breath touching your face.

"this can go a lot worse if you keep being disobedient, and i know you don't want that. now do you?" he whispered in your ear, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up and the force disappeared. your heart raced more, about to burst out of your chest at any second. kylo stared into your eyes, lips only two to three inches apart. he invaded your bubble space.

kylo's hand ran down the side of your body, to your back and stopped at the destination of your ass. "you know i can take whatever i want?" he wondered and you had the urge to elbow him. you didn't. in your mind, you needed to know if kylo ren is the person to stick to his words. if he really would treat you like a prisoner only. "show us what you were you doing just a few minutes ago."

"i have no idea what you're talking about." you played it off with a small chuckle, face reddening and the knights continued staring at you. vircul and trudgen eyes were like a predators, having the dying wish to snatch you away like a vulnerable prey.

in each of their eyes, they wanted you. kylo ren was a possessive man. would he share his _pet_ this once? you didn't want to ask. you told yourself to wait and wait.

"you weren't just touching yourself to the memory of you sucking me off? how filthy can you get, darling?" he tilted his head and your saliva become thicker when you swallowed it down with your smug smile. "a deflowered little girl who has such nasty, vulgar thoughts about her enemy."

you shivered. "shut up."

"you didn't deny it." kylo said and his hand groped your bottom, a whimper coming out of your mouth. "i'm never a wrong man."

"you're right. you're just a piece of shit." you corrected him and his nostrils flared. you did push something. "get on the fucking bed and strip. give us a nice little show." he demanded and you were the one who stepped up a foot, your eyes going to his lips then into his.

"and if i don't? tell us what happens then, supreme leader."

"if you don't, i'll let my knights touch you however they'd like as i just sit back and watch you enjoy it because you want nothing more than for someone's hands to trail over your whore body, having the feeling of euphoria spark through you from it."

why did he have to be right? it's like he studied you in the matter of twenty four hours or when you fainted into his arms back at the forest.

"as you wish, commander." you mocked his superior title and you loved doing it. you got onto the bed, stripping off every piece of clothing in a teasing matter, a innocent smile on your face.

the knights put down their weapons and masks, most of them sitting down on the couch as ushar and ap'lek stood next to it, all eyes on you. you were the show.

all your clothes were in a pile on the floor, laying yourself on the bed and kylo sat on his desk chair, sitting near you. "go on, you know what to do, pet." kylo said and you hummed, shrugging.

"what exactly do you want me to do, kylo ren? i may need your help. after all, i just have a dumb brain." you reminded him of his words from hours before and he cursed under his breath, sitting up.

kylo hand grabbed onto your throat, fingers tightening around it and you smiled in satisfaction. "i do hope you know i don't care, even in the slightest, of breaking your cunt in front of my knights. you're just a brat with no sort of discipline and a foul-mouth. you're only purpose here is to serve me and i'll take everything from you. now, do you understand me?"

"rot in a grave with your bitchass of a grandfather." you said and spat in his face, smacking him. the smack echoed throughout the room, every knight stunned from what you did. "or with your dad, whom you murdered."

kylo let go of your throat, looking at his knights and gave them a nod. the nod was a signal. "you asked for this." kylo mumbled and sat back on the chair, his eyes only on you. "she's all yours, my knights. do as you please."

vicrul, ushar and cardo got onto the bed, vicrul himself spreading your legs open. you were a fucktoy now. to the knights and kylo ren. you finally figured out your purpose.

"okay, okay! kylo, you won! now get these hooligans away!" you furrowed your brows and kylo ignored you, looking at his nails. "kylo fucking ren! or should i say ben solo? c'mon, ben!"

_ben solo._ kylo hated that name. that wasn't who he was. that name made him explode inside and kill anyone in his path. "vircul, ushar, cardo. go back to sitting with the rest and just watch. you'll get her soon." kylo commanded and like little dogs, they obeyed to his word.

kylo took off the layers of clothes, leaving himself in his pants and your eyes were in awe of his body. it was perfect and toned. he had scars and wounds everywhere on his body. kylo ren was created by the gods. he was a masterpiece.

"she's a pretty one, master. better than the last." kuruk said and your mind went to the questioning of who this person. hux first said it and now kuruk. was there really a girl before you?

kylo yanked you up by the hair and threw you onto your stomach, getting onto the bed right behind you. his hands snaked around your waist, shoving your face into the mattress and your ass was up in the air. "look at them as i fuck and break your pretty cunt, princess." he said and you did, feeling kylo ren go inside you.

it hurt. it hurt even more because he wasn't being gentle, easy or going slow. no, he was pounding into you so harshly, tears were already forming in the corners of your eyes and burned them. "kylo.. it hurts. it hurts so bad.." you mumbled, sniffling and whimpering loudly from the pain of it. he was perfectly stretching you out so you would be able to adjust to his cock.

the knights of ren were pleasing themselves to sight of you getting fucked and the noises that came out of you that echoed throughout kylo's chambers. you had no idea how you ended up in this tragic, horrific, yet pleasing mess. if you hadn't tried killing kylo ren, you'd be safe with your family and planning another revenge plot against the first order.

you knew all of this was your fault. a fault that led to brutal sex with the most malicious man to exist in the entire galaxy. sex that was torment but felt fucking great. ecstasy was a fire bliss that your body consumed entirely, your mind going hazy and could only focus on the fast pattern of kylo's cock.

you've heard of angels, a man who overlooked everyone before they died and ruled heaven. heaven was a place of happiness, satisfaction, delight and exhilaration. you believed this was heaven. you didn't need to die to know what heaven was. you just had to get fucked by kylo ren everyday to know the experience of it.

you were lost in your thoughts, kylo having his hand on your jaw to force it open so then his knights of ren had somewhere to dispose their mess. your body spazzed as you came and tried to keep your mouth open as each man climaxed into your mouth, kylo dumping his own release into you. you weren't even on any anti-pregnancy medication or treatment. you definitely didn't want a child, just yet and certainly, not kylo ren's.

your mouth, inside and out, had cum all over. your hair was tangled from kylo pulling it as he thrusted into you, never stopping no matter how many times you came. your legs were sore and weak, needing to tap out. your ass was bruised and red from him smacking it endless times.

kylo's hand was still on your jaw, thumb pressing down onto the bruise you received from his lightsaber and you screamed in agony, himself getting off to your pain.

he was a sick sadistic man.

after your fifth round of coming, your body collapsed onto the ground and you were sobbing, not able to take anymore. your mouth that was a dumpster got enough of the knights taste and your cunt did indeed feel broken.

kylo felt the littlest of sympathy for you when your wails got louder and was out of you finally, both of yours and his white liquids around him. you laid there on the bed, curling up into a ball and the knights cleaned up, excusing themselves out of the room with their weapons and masks.

you were exhausted and drained. kylo saw that. you were slowly falling into a deep sleep, hearing him coming in and out of his closet then his bathroom. you suddenly were being picked up into his arms, one arm under your knees and the other your back. his arms and hands held you tightly, protectively and securely.

your body then was sat in a tub, of warm water and familiar scent of lavender. kylo joined right behind you, washing you since your body was practically dead. "i know you're worried about what i did. don't worry, a nurse gave you a shot when you were asleep in the interrogation room. you're fine." he broke the silence, and you nodded, not wanting to speak with him.

you let him clean you up but stopped when it came to your breasts and inner thighs, yet you allowed him to do so. you were too feeble. he barley washed off himself, stepping out firstly and dressing himself back into his normal clothes. he kneeled to the side of the tub where you sat still and he used a small cloth to clean up around your mouth, giving you a small bottle of mouthwash.

he had one hand under your chin, helping you take it and you used all your mouth muscles to gargle it. "there you go, you got it." he mumbled and you spit it out into the tub water, which he didn't mind. "let's get you dried up and dressed. you may sleep in my bed tonight."

you thanked him and he held your hand to help you step out of the tub. he dried your body, then wrapped your hair in the towel and he stopped there, looking at your body too. you also had scars and wounds just like him. survival scars and wounds.

you sighed. "you can change me. you already saw everything as you took my virginity."

kylo nodded, putting fresh thing of undergarments on you and then black-fitted trousers, with a normal tank top. he even put socks on your feet. "will you be leaving again?" you asked as you walked to his bed, kylo standing in front of it. you got under the covers after taking the towel off your hair.

"yes. i have business to deal with. my knights of ren will be staying behind so if anything happens or if you in desperate of something, tell one of them. don't worry, they can't touch you without my consent or if i'm not there to watch." he answered, hanging up the towel to dry off and walked to the side of the bed you were on. "rest well, darling. we will see each other soon and be obedient."

"no promises there, ren." you muttered and he grinned, planting a kiss on your forehead before walking out of the room, your own eyes closing for some sleep. "safe travels, kylo.."


	6. chapter six.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kylo has been gone for a few days and you are quite desperate of needing to leave the kylo ren. you try to outsmart the knights of ren and kylo, but it becomes impossible and you will get the cruelest punishment for all the damage and action you have done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY GRAMMAR ERRORS.

kylo had been away for days. you were stuck in his quarters, every door locked so you couldn't escape or get back into the room where you damaged his grandfather's helmet forever.

you were bored out of your mind. you got fed three meals a day, but barley ate any of it. you could only plan an escape with your time of being a hostage in kylo ren's chambers. you needed out of the room just once to get fresh air or see faces of the first order.

you needed to tour the finalizer to get an idea of where you could escape. if finn was able to do it, then so could you.

"heeyyy! knights of ren! kylo's posse! i need out!" you screamed on the top of your lungs for the fifth millionth time of your damn life. "you fucking pervert assholes, open the door!" the knights of ren had to stay outside the quarters to make sure you wouldn't do anything stupid. they were your guards until kylo's return of god knows when.

you heard a couple of clicks from the outside and the door opened, your feet taking a few steps backwards. "can you shut the fuck up?" cardo asked behind his mask and you rolled your eyes, flipping him off.

"listen, i know you are all kylo's lapdogs, cock suckers and whatnot, but i would like to feel like a real human being and get some fucking air. i don't want to be in this shit room!" you shouted and threw your arms in the air out of exaggeration, waiting for him to say anything.

"if you try to run or anything, we'll be the ones taking care of you." ap'lek joined in and you laughed at his remark, shaking your head. "you know damn well as i do that if you lay a hand on me without kylo's eyes watching, your heads would be on poles in ten minutes. but good threat, think of a better one next time." you told them and pushed pass them out the door, their heavy footsteps being a sync behind you.

your eyes focused on halls that led to different places of the ship, seeing tie fights come in and out of the hangar bay, nodding to yourself in thought. you knew how to pilot, it was easy and simple. you just needed to get away from the knights.

"i'm starving! do they have any sort of mess hall here?" you stopped in your tracks, turning around and smiled. "i could really use a meal."

"you get three meals a day. you don't eat those?" trudgen asked and you hummed, shrugging. "i don't eat them because i'm afraid you've either spat in them or poisoned them." you responded and gave them the usual middle finger, kuruk leading everyone to the mess hall. "so.. what do you guys usually do when kylo isn't around? do you guys fuck each other or give handjobs to one another?"

ushar butted into the conversation, "i'm sure that's what you did back on the resistance base."

"you're a douche!" you yelled, entering the mess hall and you found an empty table, sitting down there. "kiss my ass, helmet heads. though, you all would love that."

vicrul and cardo left together to get you something, as you sat with the other guys. "so i've been meaning to ask you all something.. hux, and now you guys, have mentioned there being someone else. is that true?" you questioned and they didn't peep a word to you, shrugging. "c'mon! i won't narc!"

"we have no clue what you're talking about." ap'lek said and noticing no one else was attending in the mess hall, taking off their masks. "and even if we did, we wouldn't be able to say such a word. you need to bring this question up to the man himself."

"okay, but we all know he won't listen to me. i'm just curious!" you exclaimed and vicrul put your plate in front of you, containing fruits, toast with butter and a small carton of orange juice. they kept denying they knew anything, when literally days ago kuruk said you were prettier than the last─ whatever the fuck that meant.

everything went back to silent and you ate your fruits, taking bites out of the toast that was delicious, sighing. then you thought of something genius.

"hey. where are the restrooms at? i really need to piss." you said and trudgen told you, pointing his finger to direct you. "thanks! i'll be back in five."

you ran to the restroom when you were out of their sight, opening the door and noticed it was a single person's restroom. you locked the door and saw an air vent right above the toilet. "perfect." you muttered to yourself and stood on the toilet lid, fiddling with the lid for a few minutes.

it slid off and you gently put it on the ground, using all your arm muscle to get inside of the vent, which you fitted perfectly inside of. the lighting in it was dim, crawling carefully and the air was very cold too, shivering badly. you stopped at midway, being an option of going left or right.

you heard distant talking, which was coming from the right vent. you crawled that way and as you got closer, you heard the voice of kylo ren.

he had finally returned and talking to his knights.

"where is she?" kylo asked them and they told him that you had left for the restroom, never returning. they were definitely fucked. "find her."

you slowly crawled closer to the talking and peeked through the air vent, seeing all of them together with general hux. you made one more move, your knee banging against the metal.

"oh fuck.." you whispered and shut your eyes, covering your mouth with your hand. "no one move." kylo said and you could see him looking over the air vents, yourself in fear for the first time in years.

your heart raced and you wanted to cry from how slowly kylo was walking around the room, his footsteps so slow and creeped just to detect you. you were scared. you were so scared and your stomach twisted from the anxiety that started to build in your body.

kylo told everyone to leave the room and they obeyed, exiting the room one by one. "if you want to escape, make sure you find a better way next time." he said and you didn't spare to say a word or breathe, a tear trickling down your cheek. "come out from wherever you are, darling."

you could sprint throughout the vents until kylo lost you in them. you needed to go, you couldn't be around kylo. you needed to go home, with the resistance and be in the arms of your friends.

you inhaled sharply and crawled through the vents in a swift, not caring of what noise you were making. you kept making turns, not knowing where you were going. your plan was to lose kylo and get him off your tail.

an alarm rang and you could nearly pass from the anxiousness that kept running through you. you saw a light in your direction, getting closer to it as fast you could and kicked off the vent lid once you finally reached it.

stupid of you to do when you were faced with multiple generals of the first order in a conference meeting. you chuckled awkwardly and nodded. "hey everyone.. how are all of you doing?" you asked, jumping out of the vent and smiled. "don't mind me.. get back to whatever you're doing or discussing.."

you gave them a thumbs up and bolted out of the room, the alarm still blasting. before you could even get more far, there was a grip on wrist and you were pushed to the ground.

"we got her, sir!" a stormtrooper yelled and you groaned in pain, your head and body hurting all together. your head fell to the side and your blurry vision made out kylo's boots coming your way. "no no.. please no.." you quietly cried out and the stormtrooper picked you up, shoving you into kylo's arms.

fear ate you alive the second you felt kylo's hands touched your back. "get off of me, you fucking prick! you're just a fucking broken boy who inflicts his pain onto others because he doesn't know how to fucking deal with it! you know, i'm glad leia and han left your ass with luke because you didn't deserve them! and i wouldn't even be surprised if they didn't loved you!" you shouted, voice cracking in between words and tears streamed down your cheeks with every second you spoke. "so fuck you, kylo ren! you're a monster!"

everyone in the halls of the first order were frozen in their spots, overhearing your yelling and were shocked, but tried not to show it. the fear in you turned into anger. it was anger about yourself, though. he was lucky to have parents who loved him. who cares about him. you never got that. yet, he didn't deserve them in the end, especially after killing han.

kylo ren didn't deserve the people who tried to save his rotten, possessed soul.

"my quarters, now." kylo commanded and you chuckled bitterly, shaking your head. "look around, kylo. your people don't know what you did. they don't have a single clue of what i was talking about. maybe i should tell them." you said and turned around, scoffing out of spite. "he killed his dad. he impaled his lightsaber right through him! you're all brainwashed by him and his power! kylo ren is still a child.." you went back to looking at him with your eyes letting go tears, "a child.. in a mask."

a child in a mask.

"you'll never be as strong as darth vader!" you yelled in his face and kylo hand grasped onto your wrist, pulling you with him. you were sure you got everything off your chest and stopped crying, sniffling only.

you were so lost in your mind, you hadn't realize you got into the elevator. kylo pushed you up against the wall, his hand on your throat and you could barley breathe. "you're just my fucktoy, do you got that? you have absolutely no fucking right to humiliate or embarrass me like that. if you ever fucking do, i will kill everyone you love. do you understand?" he asked and you nodded, knowing you had to protect the resistance. you couldn't let them die and have the first order take over.

the elevator doors opened and his hand moved from your neck to the back of it, fingers squeezing it all the way to his quarters. 

his hatch door opened and he tossed you to the ground, landing on your side. you could cry again from the pain and bruising that would happen, your breathing being heavy.

kylo took off his helmet, carelessly throwing it to the side and you saw it roll, thinking it may now have a dent in it. you wouldn't become weak again. you wouldn't allow yourself to. you were stronger than he was. you couldn't show anymore fear or vulnerability.

you got up slowly and sniffled, strands of hair caught to your cheeks from the tears that glued them there. "what are you going to do, kylo? be the sick sadistic man you are? is that all you really fucking got?" you asked and his eyes darkened, his chest rising up and down in a fast pattern. "answer me!"

no word. nothing.

you raised your hand to smack kylo, but he grabbed it on time, fingers curling around it tightly. you stood frozen and heart sunk right out of your soul when his face got closer to yours. "i want you to remember that i could leave you right here as i go kill that so-called family of yours and force you to eat their ashes. now would you want that?" he wondered and you shook your head, your blood circulation dying away. "or i could make you watch them die. either way, their lives are on your hands. one more slip up and they're gone."

"they're looking for me."

"no they aren't. if they were, they would've found you days ago."

"shut up."

"i'm right. they don't care about you. you can't go back to them or leia.. just like i can't." he said and his face was only a few inches away from yours, feeling his hot breath. his hand was still on your wrist and you bit his arm, his grip loosening. you ran to the other side of the room, getting his desk chair and lunging it his way.

"fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!" you shouted at the top of your lungs, sobbing and kylo lifted up his hand, force choking you. "that's it." he said and the force got stronger, tears burning your eyes. "but to make this better, i will take you with me. i know where everyone you love is at. they're not far."

"no.. please, kylo.. i'll do anything.." you croaked out, head hazy and dizzy, feeling nausea too. "please.. just stay.."

your head hit the back off the wall, hearing a strong thud and you whimpered, the force finally disappearing.

"stay here. i will be back in a minute." kylo left the room and your shaky hands opened his drawer, grabbing a calligraph pen. the tip was sharp enough to stab him. you put it up your sleeve, sitting on the edge of the bed for his return and had your head down.

the hatch door opened again and kylo came in, lightsaber in his hand. it wasn't activated or anything, just there. you raised your head and he took a few steps closer to you, grinning.

"take it out of your sleeve." he said and you did, hearing it drop to the ground. a single hand of his cupped your cheek, thumb stroking it and ran over your lower lip.

kylo was too quiet in his thoughts, the sinister smirk on his face never vanishing. his hand had withdrawn from your cheek, going two steps backwards. "night night, sweetheart." he said and the hilt of his lightsaber struck you against the head, blacking out completely.

┉

you groaned in pain, lids blinking a few times and your head was pounding. "what the fuck.." you muttered in confusion, looking around at your surroundings and found yourself in a chair, wrists in a bind together behind your back with ropes.

you looked straight ahead again and there was a window, where you could see your own reflection. there was dry blood on the side of your head, body cold and the room behind the window was dark.

"is someone there?" you asked and the lights turned on, finding vice admiral amilyn holdo standing there. she was sobbing and her wrists were tied to the ceiling, kylo ren appearing on the side of her. "kylo, let her go. i'm sorry for everything i did. please, i'll obey you and i'll do whatever you ask me to. just please!"

you broke down into sobs since you saw holdo as your other mother figure and screamed in desperate pleads for him not to hurt her. the knights of ren were next to step into the room, trudgen twirling his weapon like a toy.

kylo ren never once lied. he was honest when he said he'd take everything away from you. you couldn't do it. you couldn't have someone's blood on your hands. you begged and begged, sincerely apologizing but he didn't listen.

kylo entered the room you were in and took off his mask, stepping behind you. he grabbed your jaw and forced you to watch what would happen next, like if it was some sort of show to him. he found it amusing and entertaining. he was out of his damn mind. there was no way of getting him out of dark side.

holdo screamed and cried, bribing kylo with anything he wanted. kylo ignored every cry and wail. you squeezed your eyes shut the second trudgen's weapon swung towards her neck, decapitating her.

your eyes refused to open and you broke down into sobs, screaming. you sobbed and sobbed, shaking your head. kylo's hand let go of your jaw, hearing you cry with no emotions or feelings to it. he saw your headless body and watched his knights of ren get out of the room.

kylo murdered someone valued in the resistance. you would be blamed for it. you would be betrayed for it. they wouldn't accept you. maybe no one would believe you or everything that has happened to you, so far.

"you're fucking sick.." you mumbled and the ropes came off your wrists, kylo dropping them to the ground. "come back to my quarters once you're done." he said and his footsteps distant away every second, finally leaving you alone.

stormtroopers grabbed the body and head, no emotions to them either. you curled up into a ball and brought your knees up to your chest, trying to forget her screams.

her screams and sobs would haunt you forever. you got yourself in this position. you tried to kill him. you disobeyed. you didn't listen. it was all your fault and blood were on your hands. you lost someone you loved. you started to imagine what everyone would say to you.

kylo ren knew in a snap of a finger, he could kill anyone that you cared about. you couldn't let him get to your friends but you needed to find another way out. you couldn't give up yet.

and the minute you would get back to the resistance base, you would be ready to tell them everything that had happened to you. of what a sick, evil and vile man kylo ren was.


	7. chapter seven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything between you and kylo is getting toxic, sad and confusing. you want to go home— he wants to make sure you stay forever. what could go wrong with such disagreements?

you couldn't spare a second being in a room with kylo ren, locked inside a cell instead. it was better than nothing. you hadn't spoken to kylo for days and you could nearly go insane from being locked in.

you hadn't ate, slept or even taken a breather. you cried and kept having the scream of holdo keep replaying in your head. what would the resistance think of you now?

the side of your head still hurt from when kylo walloped you with his lightsaber, giving you blunt force trauma or brain damage. either way, your head was hurting like a bitch.

footsteps came your way and you stared at the ceiling, the figure of a stormtrooper at the outside of your cell. "the commander has requested you for supper."

you chuckled bitterly. "tell the commander he can go fuck himself and i want to rot in this cell."

"i am afraid i can't do that. it is more of a demand."

you sat up and looked at him, tilting your head. "tell him i'm not fucking hungry!" your yell echoed in your cell and the stormtrooper turned around, leading himself out. you laid back down, resting on your side and stared at the grey, metal wall.

the lock of your cell beeped and you groaned, ready to kick the stupid stormtrooper. "i said i'm not— _aahhh!_ put me down!" you yelled as you were being tossed up into someone's arm, over their shoulder the next. "put me down, you monster!"

"shut the fuck up." kylo grunted and you kicked your feet, screaming for help. everyone of the first order looked at you like you were a maniac. you were put down into a seat and stormtroopers guarded the room, having no way out or to kill kylo. "nice seeing you again."

"i wish i could say the same about you, asshat."

"watch it."

"fuck you. you practically forced me here, so either deal with it or send me back to my cell." you suggested and a plate of food was placed in front of you, meat and mashed potatoes on it. you wanted to throw the plate in his face, throw it off the table or just push it away. you didn't want to eat, yet then again, you hadn't eaten for days or a week. you didn't remember the last time you had a proper meal.

you grabbed your fork, cut up the meat into bits and it looked like a meat you'd never had seen before. maybe it was some fancy type of meat. "after this, i go back to my cell and rot in there, okay?" you said and he hummed, focused on eating his own food. his meat was different from yours. he had a different meal.

you looked back and forth at the different plates, slowly putting the first bit of meat into your mouth. kylo finally payed attention to you as you did so.

it was juicy, covered with pepper and salt spices, even chewy. it didn't taste like normal meat. "how does it taste?" kylo asked, a smirk on his face and curious. you raised a brow and kept chewing, the taste being awful. the spices couldn't cover it up. "take another bite."

you did and it tasted the same. what the fuck kind of meat was this?

"kylo. what is this?" you asked with your mouth fulled, disgusted by the taste. he hummed as you swallowed it down to not waste it. "so glad you asked. that, my darling, is the organ piece of your admiral." he answered and your eyes widen, shoving your fingers down your throat to throw it up.

kylo's seat slid back with a screech against the floor when he stood up, instantly getting to your side and smacked your hand away. he pushed your head back, shoving more of the bits of meat into your mouth, using his other hand to force your jaw to chew it. "swallow, now." he commanded and you shook your head, crying.

you felt a struck of pain on your cheek, whimpering and lip tugging into a small frown. "stop fucking crying and swallow." he spat, getting closer to your face and held the food in your mouth. "fucking dumb bitch."

he watched you, chuckling like a sadistic prick and sat back down. you spat out the food and threw it up the remaining of it that was in your stomach, crying. you picked up your plate, throwing it to the wall. "why did you waste the potatoes, hm? those had her ashes in them too, just like i promised." he said and you were about to get up to attack him, but the stormtroopers activated their blasters before you could.

"you are a vulgar, sick man, kylo ren."

"no, i just like seeing you squirm and cry. it's my favorite sight." kylo confessed and you sat there, staring at him as he ate like a king, calm and normal. "don't be whining about how hungry you are later on, since you will be remaining in your cage."

you needed out, already. you needed to go. you nearly did cannibalism because of kylo.

you were knocked out of your thoughts when general hux came into the dining room. "we've detected the resistance."

kylo got up, storming out of the room with general hux. wherever he was going, you needed to go too.

you carefully put the steak knife in your pocket, sitting up yourself and went to the stormtroopers. you had to make it seem like you wouldn't fight back or anything.

you were about to head out with them, getting the knife from your front pocket and stabbed them in the neck, their blasters dropping. you picked one up, shooting them both and shoved the knife back into your pocket, taking the blaster with you.

you were skilled. you had this under control. you hid behind a wall when you saw a group of stormtroopers, taking deep breathers. they didn't notice you from the side of their eye the slightest bit, using the blaster to shoot them dead.

you were insensitive now. you were done being treated poorly by kylo and being his prisoner. it was a mental hellhole. you used the knife to slit everyone's throats open, leaving a bloodbath behind you and shot every stormtrooper.

hands were covered with red and you were panting, hearing screams in the distant from the people who found the death corpses of humans you just killed.

"ren, you need to see this!" you heard hux's voice yell and you were close by, hiding in the janitor's closet. you were good at listening for footsteps, even kylo's now. the footsteps were rough, patient and in a pattern with hux's. you waited patiently and hummed softly to yourself, the knife in your hand ready to plunge into the next person that was in your way.

the sound of walking disappeared and you slowly opened the door, peeking your head out first. halls were cleared and you ran straight to the hangar bay, everybody suddenly gone.

you could take kylo's command shuttle or a tie fighter, just like finn did. you checked your surroundings one last time and were free, finally making it to the hangar bay.

you could finally go home and tell the resistance everything, but beg onto your knees for forgiveness about holdo. you would tell leia how there was no possibility for her son to turn. you were ready to tell your best friends how your short experience of being around kylo ren and how awful he truly was.

"what do you think you're doing?" kylo's voice said as you were lost looking at everything in the hangar bay. you grabbed the knife from your pocket, turning around and pointed it to him, dropping the blaster.

"leave me alone, or i'll slit your throat. i'm not scared of you."

"is that so?"

you were wasting time by being interrogated by kylo ren. you kept the knife pointed at him, hand shaking. "i want to go home, please. if you have some sort of mercy in your heart or soul, please let me go. i won't tell them what you've done or anything, just please.. i want to go.." you sobbed, sniffling and kylo's face showed no emotion to your breakdown.

"i can't let you do that, my flower."

"please, kylo!" your broken sobs weren't enough and he felt no such thing as empathy for you. you looked down, your teardrops going to the floor and your hand dropped the knife, collapsing onto your knees. you no longer wanted to live a miserable life. you were tired and it was clear kylo would never let you leave. since that was the case, you put the knife in his hand and sniffled more, finding it hard to breathe.

kylo saw the pain in your eyes when you looked up at him and the way your lip trembled, chin quivering. you were weak, vulnerable and that wasn't enough to kill you. he had the moment to kill you before, that was his plan, but something in him said to keep you alive and to him forever. he wouldn't let you get out of his life.

kylo ren always got what he want.

he was a man with no heart, but he didn't want you to die. you had a purpose and that was to stay by him. if he had to mind control you in order for you to stay, he would do that.

a pair of footsteps walked behind kylo and it was hux, telling him about the many stormtroopers you had murdered. "you must get rid of her. she killed my army!" hux complained, fury on his face and fists clenched in his gloves.

"your army always get themselves killed. either way, they were destined to die. now, fuck off or do something about your little compliant, i have other things to worry about." kylo replied, irritation in his voice and hux took a few steps close to you, placing a finger under your chin. kylo watched.

"you are a little rascal and your family is a waste of the air in the galaxy. they have no purposes and we will be sure to ruin them." hux taunted and you bit his finger hard, nearly chewing it off completely. he screamed, pulling his hand back and kylo smirked, nodding to himself. hux huffed, going away to fix his issue.

"stand, babygirl." kylo commanded and you stayed on the ground, refusing to move from your spot. he exhaled and tilted his head, his hand combing through your hair. "that's it." he yanked on your hair, dragging you by it on the ground and you screamed from the pain, not exactly enjoying this sort of hair pulling.

"let go of me, you fucking prick!"

"why should i listen to you when you never listen to me, hm?"

"i will fucking kill you!"

"not if i do that to you first."

you were being dragged all the way to his quarters, thrown into the wall when you entered with him and banged your head against the wall, groaning.

you touched the back of your head and your hand had a little bit of fresh blood on it now. "look at what you fucking did, psycho!" you yelled and got up, running to his desk. you picked up the chair and threw it at him, but he used his force to throw it back your way. you ducked down to dodge it and it smashed into pieces from how hard it hit the wall.

"you're really pathetic at fighting back. as such a skilled resistance person, i expected better."

"as the most homicidal man to exist, i expected you to kill me the moment you captured me. but you didn't. why haven't you killed me?" you asked as you brought yourself standing straight up, eye to eye with him.

"i told you, personal reasons."

"personal reasons? sounds like such bullshit." you said and he lunged your way, yourself climbing over the bed. kylo got you, grabbing your feet and you kicked furiously, screaming. "i hate you! i hate you so much! you make me feel like complete shit!"

you screamed i hate you until your voice was gone and hoarse, cracking too. you were tired of crying, but you did it anyways, kylo pulling you down onto the bed. he got on top of you, pinning your wrists down with his hands, sitting on your stomach and told you to stop crying─ like that would even help.

"i said stop it!" kylo shouted and you whimpered, closing your eyes to not bare to look into his. he saw that. your body stopped being tense, you stopped fighting back and you sobbed.

he felt something in his heart for the first time in his life─ sympathy.

"please.. i want to go home." you whispered and opened your eyes, his face close to yours.

"i can't let that happen." kylo ren was your captor now. you wouldn't be able to leave captivity, no matter how much you begged or sobbed. you needed to be held in the arms of your friends.

kylo read those melancholic thoughts of yours and got off of you, sitting on the side of the bed, getting lost in his own. "come here. kneel in front of me, please." he said, sitting man-spread and you sprung to your legs, kneeling down in front of him.

you rested your head on his right thigh, his hand stroking your hair softly. it felt.. nice. nice and right. comforting, too. "i'm all you have, sweetheart. don't you know that by now? if they cared, they would've been looking extra harder for you and come to get you days ago. but they haven't and i'm all you've got. you should be thankful for that." kylo told you and you sniffled, eyes away from his. "don't try to fight back anymore and i won't hurt you. i hurt you so you learn, darling."

is kylo all you really had now? you hoped he wasn't, yet each day that had passed since you became his hostage, it became more clearer that the resistance may never come for you. you didn't want to lose faith in them, and you didn't want to be glued to kylo ren till the day you died, but it seemed that way.

"i want to see them, kylo. please.." you muttered and he sighed, fingers curling around your jaw so you could look at him in the eye.

it was a longing stare and the hand that was on your jaw was removed and hovered over your head. the familiar pressure was back on your skull, whimpering and groaning from it.

"i am all you have."

"you're all i have."

"you will learn to respect and obey me."

"i will learn to respect and obey you."

"you belong to me and only me."

"i belong to you and only you."

the pressure went away and your head collapsed back onto his thigh, holding onto him. "don't worry, sweetheart. i'll take such good care of you. you're safe with me." he cooed in such a warm tone, never hearing it before.

was he trying to trick you?

no no, you had yourself─ someone who was strong.. _such bullshit._

you were now suddenly vulnerable and weak in the eyes of kylo ren. he knew your weak spots and how fragile you truly were. you were a delicate flower and he knew he could pick you off one by one until you were nothing, begging for his help and guidance. your petals were everyone you loved and cared for. he would take each one away until you were lonely. until you were all his, forever.

he would kill poe, leia, finn, _anyone_ , who cared about you.

kylo ren wanted you to himself only.

he would commit a mass murder of the resistance just to have you to himself. he wasn't afraid to do that. he'd keep reminding you of how he was all you had until it was the only such thing you could remember for eternity.

he didn't want to kill you, though he had a temptation to do it when you pissed him off.

"be a good pet and don't make me mad anymore or i will have to hurt you." he said and you nodded, getting back onto the bed.

kylo stood himself up and left his chambers without saying anything more. you laid in his bed, curled up in a ball and stared at the wall, lost in your thoughts.

you had to many questions rampage through your mind, even the repetitive ones. you asked yourself if he cared or was just using you. you felt disgusting to the thought of kylo ren just using you to get off or inflict his pain onto you.

you hugged a pillow and sighed, not able to sleep. kylo probably left, again. you were left, again. you just wanted to go home. you hoped someone from the resistance would come finding you.

you hoped and hoped.

the hope was fucking pointless. no one cared about you anymore. they'll just remember you as someone who was once part of the resistance, yet disappeared. they didn't care. they didn't care and that made you even more upset.

you rather be dead than stuck with kylo ren.

your body used his weak muscles to drag yourself out of the bed and the hatch door was unlocked, letting yourself out. you were careful, this time. you were careful to who saw you or who you approached. you couldn't be in the eyes of knights of ren, general hux or kylo ren.

your feet took themselves to the hangar bay, once more, as you dreamed of only death. you wanted to die. your mind told you it was the only possible escape from everything.

once you died, kylo ren could move on to the next and you'd be a vivid memory in his mind along with the other people he had killed.

stormtroopers didn't saw one word to you as you passed by, almost at the near edge of the hangar bay. you stared into the galaxy.

oh, how the galaxy shined with its stars, planets, sun and moon. you were at the near ledge and you could jump into space, a endless hole where you'd die in a brief second from inhaling its dangerous nonexistent oxygen.

you closed your eyes and inhaled sharply, a last tear falling down your cheek. you weren't scared anymore. you weren't afraid to take your last breath. you weren't afraid to take away your life.

alas, the sounds around become deafening and your eyes remained shut, your feet taking a few more steps closer. you didn't want to see your death. you wanted to feel it instead.

you felt your foot on the ledge and before you were about to take one more to fall into the infinite void, you were pulled back by someone. you were pulled back into their arms. heavy, strong arms that held you.

kylo ren's arms.

"let me go! let me go! let me die!" you shouted and opened your eyes, continuing to be pulled back, away from the ledge. "i don't want to be with you anymore! let me go!"

kylo ren's listened to your broken sobs and your plead for death. he sat on the ground, yourself cradled into his arms and sobbed into his chest.

everyone minded their business, but heard and saw what was happening. they just knew not to ever speak anything of it.

you cried and cried, until your head became hazy and dizzy. it was hard to breathe again and hiccuped, choking onto your tears, even. you cried so much, you passed out in kylo ren's arms after what felt like an hour.

kylo held you in his arms and thought to himself.

he had never had such dark thoughts before. they weren't this anger or harsh.

it was his fault, and with that, he didn't know what to do anymore.


	8. chapter eight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you thought you could finally be free from kylo ren forever... think again.

you were in the medbay, resting. you had passed out from lacking fluids and eating, staying inside the room for days now. kylo didn't stay around, he only came by once to see how your vitals were and so on.

as you were sleeping, a nurse had barley finished doing your daily check up and switching your fluid bag, leaving your room quickly.

you were woken up shortly by someone whispering your name. it sounded like a familiar voice and you groaned, rubbing your eyes open. "who is it?" you mumbled and tossed to the side, a small frown on your face.

"wake up, idiot. it's poe and rey." poe whispered and you shot up, eyes wide and smiling in excitement. "holy fucking shit, i knew you would come back for me! how did you get onto here?" you asked and rey yanked the iv out of your arm, causing you to let out a whimper from it. "ouch! warning next time!"

"come on, we don't have much time." rey said and helped you put on your shoes, grabbing your hand afterwards. "when i heard the news you were captured, i had to help you. the resistance has been looking for you ever since."

they had been searching for you and wish you could brag about it in kylo's face. finally, you would be free and away from him.

"um, miss! you cannot leave! supreme leader's orders." a nurse simply explained, and you looked at your friends for them to say something. they had nothing in mind to back you up. "tell him that we are just taking a quick walk! i need some air, if you dont mind and i'm sure he doesn't either. thanks!" you responded, giving her a warm smile.

everyone's feet never stopped running and you were in a slight frantic state of mind, yet consumed with joy you'd be able to leave kylo ren's prison. "how did you guys get on the finalizer? i don't understand." you were curious to know and you all jogged out of the medbay, poe searching the area. he was more familiar with the finalizer since he had been held on it once and was able to escape with finn. they didn't answer you again.

rey kept hold of your hand, continuing to run with them. they heard distant talking of stormtroopers, shoving all three of yourselves back into the janitor's closet that you were in days ago before passing out.

"you guys need to tell me how you got here, because i'm very confused on how you were able to sneak pass stormtroopers and people of the first order, especially kylo." you pleaded for a answer again, rey's fingers now interlocking with yours.

"don't worry about it, dude. just be happy we are here and can get you away from that sick bastard." poe responded and you sighed, shaking it off. he was right, you should be grateful that you'd finally be able to leave the finalizer and be miles away from kylo ren. "i have an idea."

"what is it?" you asked and he grinned, pulling out a pocketknife. he looked at you for a few seconds, until you finally understood what his idea was. "you want to cut off the electricity? that's the dumbest idea ever!"

he scoffed. "well, do you have a better idea?"

you and poe bickered to one another for minutes about his idea, ending it when rey put her hands over the both of yours mouths. "we need to go, now. we are wasting time." she said and you nodded, the three of you peeking out the door. "it's clear, come on."

the three of you carefully jogged down the halls of the finalizer and in your mind, you thought you'd see kylo at every turn you took. you didn't't want to be caught by him. kylo was a living nightmare, that you suffered and drowned in. he had no heart and from what you saw in him from the days you spent with him, ben solo was definitely gone.

you were already preparing an apology speech in your head about holdo for when you saw leia and the others. you begged that leia wouldn't hate you and you did refuse to eat holdo's organ and ashes, which was fucking sick.

nothing was your fault. everything that had happened wasn't your fault and you had to keep telling yourself that until you believed it.

"chewie is coming with the falcon." rey had her lightsaber ready in her hand, all three of you hiding behind a big box in the hangar bay. "you and poe will have to jump onto the ramp as i fight back the troopers. on my count, we run start to the middle of the hangar bay."

before she could even start counting, a familiar alarm went off.

kylo ren was aware you had escape the medbay.

"fuck, fuck, fuck! we are fucked!" you yelled in a hushed tone, running your fingers through your own hair in fear. "this is it. we are going to die and then i'll have someone else's blood on my hands."

"we aren't going to die. we will all get back home, safe and sound." poe reassured calmly, a hand on your back. you needed to trust them and yourself. you were overthinking it all too much and that made you more anxious than you already were. "rey, do you really think you can hold off ren and the stormtroopers?"

"i can. chewbacca is arriving shortly and when he does, just run. don't even wait for me."rey was confident in herself and you liked that about her. she was a selfless soul and was willing to protect or help anyone of the resistance.

time passed and rey gave you the signal the falcon had arrived. you looked at her with sorrow, worried eyes and she sighed, hugging you tightly. "go, now. i got him under control."

you thanked her and poe took your hand into his, sprinting to the ledge of the hangar bay.

the ledge. the ledge you had been standing on days ago and contemplated death because you couldn't bare to spend another minute or day of being kylo ren's prisoner.

your eyes had zoned out into the galaxy and the noises around you went back to that deafening noise, where all you heard was pierced ringing.

the ringing was interrupted when your skull was struck with pain, pressure tagging along too.

kylo was trying to get into your head.

_if you go, i will find you. you can't hide from me._

you had to hide from kylo. he was becoming more of a monster everyday and that scared you. you had seen many things in your life, in which none of it scared you. but the minute you were faced with the fact you were stuck in kylo ren's captivity, your stomach dropped and you were terrified.

you were brought back into reality, blinking and exhaled sharply. stormtroopers were shooting at the falcon and the ramp of it was opened, poe jumping onto it. luckily, the ramp was over the ledge. you ran up the ramp and had an eye out for rey, who was using her lightsaber to dodge blaster shots.

"rey, come on!" you shouted with all your chest, sticking your hand out for her. effortlessly, she took steps back as she proceeded to dodge the shots and with a quick spin on her heel, she bolted to the ramp. she was so close to getting onto the falcon unharmed, when a stormtrooper shot her in the arm and she groaned, falling down.

rey's lightsaber tumbled and you rather save her life than your own. you got off the ramp, deactivating her lightsaber and put it in your pocket, helping her up. "come on, you got it." you muttered and the falcon started to shoot back at the stormtroopers.

the pressure on your skull came back and you screamed, your throat ripping apart. kylo didn't want you to go. if he had to break your mind and soul, he would. he wouldn't let you go far.

_i'm warning you, little flower. you'll regret this._

the pressure became stronger and sharper, stabbing at your brain. you cried and pleaded for him to get out of your mind. you didn't need him or this. you didn't need kylo ren. your mind felt like it was bleeding uncontrollably and you hated it. you hated this pain.

rey ran up the ramp and you followed behind her, the ramp closing up. chewbacca growled in the distance and you chuckled, out of breath. you were finally away from kylo ren and the pressure had disappeared.

rey was in pain and you sat her down on the small resting bed, getting the first-aid kit. "how bad does it hurt?" you wondered and she chuckled, shrugging. "how was it like being with luke skywalker?"

"he's not the nicest person, but it was okay. learned enough." she said and you used a wipe to clean her wound, wrapping the white bandage around it. she winced and you could only laugh. "if you don't mind me asking, was it bad?"

"was what bad?"

"was it bad being a hostage of kylo ren's?"

you nodded, putting away the kit and sat next to her. "he's very psychotic and has this big superiority complex to himself. i tried to escape before, then that failed. then i tried to take my own life, that failed as well. so, it was bad, and more than that." you answered, staring at your hands that were placed in your lap.

"well, now you are far from him and never have to see him ever again." she softened the sad mood, nudging you and you nodded, both of you sitting in silence.

as you were celebrating your break free, kylo ren had murdered the nurse who let you get away and used his lightsaber to throw a tantrum out of pure violent anger. he warned you, and you didn't listen.

"i want everyone searching for her. do i make myself clear?" kylo asked everyone in the conference room with him and they stayed quiet because he was so angry. they were intimidated. he slapped his fist on the table, everyone flinching. "answer me!"

they nodded and he dismissed everyone, his knights of ren staying behind. "go look for her too. if you are able to track her, tell me immediately. i will be taking care of her personally." kylo bellowed and they understood, not speaking a word.

their master had been angry many, many times but never this angry. kylo's hands were curled into tight fists, his breathing heavy and vexed. they let themselves out of the room and kylo was left alone. he didn't lose hope because he knew for a fact, he would find you. in the end, he would make sure you stayed with him. you were his, after all. you belonged to him and he owned you.

he'd kill the scavenger, leia, poe and all your friends, so he could keep you to himself. kylo ren always got what he wanted.

he wouldn't say he was selfish, maybe only possessive. he knew exactly how to get you again.

"i will get you, little flower." he whispered to himself, leaving the conference room.

┉

the falcon landed and you were excited to see everyone else. rey had told you that leia wasn't upset with you and was only upset with her son. you had so much to tell leia, and were ready to breakdown in her arms. 

the ramp lifted down and you took in the fresh smell of home, realizing the resistance had stayed at the same base you were on moments before you were kidnapped. 

rose and finn came up to you, bringing you into a tight, warm hug. "oh my stars, i have missed you all so much. there's a lot to tell but i needed to speak with leia first." you said, getting out of their embrace. "where is she?"

"data center." finn replied and you nodded, walking to exactly there. everyone you passed had welcomed you back and you could only give them a weak smile.

they had no clue of the torment you went through. 

turning at the corner, you saw leia looking at the datapad, in content and peace. "general.." you slowly approached her and her head lifted up, eyes in awe. she smiled and put down the datapad, opening up her arms for you.

you took yourself into her arms, breaking down into a sob. "i'm so sorry about holdo. and ben.. he's not there anymore, leia. your son is gone." you told her and she sighed, rubbing your back. "i'm so, so sorry."

"it's okay. i am just happy you are okay and here. we have missed you and were in fear we wouldn't be able to get you." 

you pulled back from the hug, wiping away your tears. "how did you find me?" you asked, sniffling and she smiled small. "we had put a chip in your blaster, that we traced and was located onto the finalizer. when rey had returned, i put her and poe on the mission to get you. we didn't get to you so early because we had to make a plan on how to steal you away from those bastards." leia answered and nodded, surprised you had a chip in your blaster.

"i'm sorry about ben." you repeated and she held your hands in hers, a sad smile on her face. "i don't know what has happened to him, but i don't think ben is ever coming back."

leia sighed, your hands slipping out of hers and she told you it was okay, that you at least tried. you knew deep down inside of her, she was broken and hurting.

she had lost han and ben. she had no one else. 

you decided to leave her alone, going outside and be with everyone else. you spent hours telling your friends about your experience with kylo ren and the things he had down to you. they were shocked, disgusted and apologized for the horror you went through and had to face everyday.

they felt bad for you, which seemed like more of a pity party.

"then, i found _the_ helmet of darth vader. it was scary and a misshaped blob. i accidentally broke it." you said and rose gasped, which was very genuine and in shock. rey was sitting next to you, chuckling about you breaking the darth vader helmet. 

everything was good, nice and happy. you were happy. 

everything was okay.. or as you thought it was. 

_tie fighters. command shuttle. the first order._ "fucking son of a bitch!" you yelled and everyone stood up, poe telling you to hide. you needed hide properly this time. it was too risky to go into data center or anywhere else inside, other people being in there too. 

you hadn't known if this attack was your fault, all because you wanted to get away from the monster. the monster who was a supreme leader and took advantage of his power. who took advantage of _you._

your eyes looked over to the forest. "here we go again." you muttered and searched the forest for a good hiding spot. you certainly didn't need this and didn't want to go back to kylo ren. your palms were sweaty, your heart raced and your stomach twisted around in fear. 

fear is what kylo liked to feed off of from you. he loved that he frightened you from the simplest word or movement of his. he had control over you already, you were just too blind and naive to see it. 

he had barley broke you, and planned on damaging you instead. 

there was thick tree, hiding behind it and sat down, calming yourself down like you did when you first stepped foot into this forest. your ears took in the hearing of all the shooting going on, and you decided to cover them up with your hands, bringing your knees up to your chest. 

"you're okay. he can't find you. he can't get you anymore." you comforted yourself, heartbeat slowing down and you prevented yourself from crying. kylo was like your predator, and you were his weak, submissive prey. he could sense you from a mile away if you gave off fear. 

you patiently and carefully stood up, instantly regretting turning around.

"hello, my little flower." kylo spoke, mask on and his lightsaber humming in rage and red. "i told you i would find you."

"how did you find me?" you asked and he hummed, twirling his lightsaber as he took steps closer to you, your feet taking you backwards.

"after your attempt of trying to leave, i had you chipped during your time in the medbay. it's in your neck." kylo said and your heart must have fallen out of your body because you no longer could feel it beating. 

kylo ren had fucking chipped you. that's why it was easy and quick to find you. 

"i don't want to be with you or even around you. all you ever do is hurt me." you swallowed down your anxiety, hands shaking. "i would never hurt you, little flower. why would i ever do that? you must have lost your mind." he cooed in such an sympathetic tone, yourself melting from it. he got close to you, stroking your hair. "you probably dreamt about being hurt by me."

"no no.. you did hurt me. you feed me a human organ.."

"you sound so crazy, little flower. do you hear yourself? you've dreamt of silly things that you thought actually happened. come with me and i can help you. can't you see i care?" his voice stayed warm and gentle. he stuck out his hand for you and you looked at it, your lower lip quivering. 

his sounded so genuine too, and your heart was in a puddle because of it. but you couldn't go. you couldn't go back to kylo ren or to the finalizer.

you ran the other direction and kylo turned off his lightsaber, attaching it to his belt. he chased after you, and the minute you were getting far from him, you tripped over a branch. you landed on your face and kylo smirked, flipping you onto your back. 

you tried to fight him off, screaming and kicking furiously. he took a black cloth out of his pocket, putting it over your mouth. your fighting died down and your mind was sleepy, your eyes closing.

your muscles were relaxed and you had passed out from the chloroform that you breathed in. kylo put the cloth away, feeling pride in himself for being able to get you again. 

and he was very excited to get back to the finalizer with you.


	9. chapter nine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kylo ren is a ruthless, sadistic soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter will be a very hardcore, brutal and violent chapter. the things that will be taken place in this chapter are forced cannibalism, edging, overstimulation, blood n wax play, finger fucking, face fucking, orgy, spanking, extreme dub con to non con, skin burning, manipulation/mind control, cutting w/ glass, slapping n spit, degrading, and slight aftercare. if you cannot handle any of these or get very uncomfortable in the middle of it, PLEASE STOP READING. this chapter will seriously fuck w/ ur mind. this is for your safety and this is your final warning. kylo ren is far from sympathetic and nice in this chapter. i love you all and enjoy.

your head was pounding and your eyes slowly opened, groaning from the pain you were in. your eyes observed the room and you frowned, being placed in some cold, dark room. the lights were barley even bright enough to give you a clear viewing of where things were.

your body was cold, and you sat up, being pulled back by something. your right wrist was chained to a pole of the bed frame and you started to panic, thinking about amputating your own hand so you could run again.

the room smelt like a fresh vanilla and that was because there was a candle burning on the dresser. you weren't in kylo's room, just some other room.

"morning, little flower." kylo's voice spoke, husky and deep, whom was sitting on the couch. "i gave you a warning and you still manage to disobey me."

you were only in a oversized long sleeve that belonged to kylo ren and you tugged at the chain that kept you hostage. "listen to me, i'm sorry. please, just let me go and i'll listen to you. we can talk this out.." you said, trying to sound genuine and he sat up, humming. "i'm really sorry, kylo. please, don't hurt me."

"why would i hurt you, hm? why do you think i would hurt you, darling?" kylo asked, taking a step closer to you with each word he spoke. he leaned over to you, tilting his head.

"i'm sorry, kylo. i really─"

your cheek was met with a struck of pain, as you whined from it and within seconds, he was on top of you, his hand on your throat. "i should make you bleed and sob until you're nothing but a braindead bitch, don't you think?" he wondered, your throat sinking into the bed and he continued to block your airway.

you couldn't breathe, at all.

kylo stared into your eyes, taking his hand away from your throat and you gained air again, gasping. he got off of you and the bed, his back turned to your face. "i ordered you a meal." he opened the hatch door, with a covered-up silver platter on a rolling cart and he brought it up to the side of your bed.

kylo took the chain off your wrist, wrapping it around your neck as if it was a collar. you felt like a pet from it.

"i'm not eating. i don't trust you with my meals." you refused, shaking your head and looked at the silver platter. "you can eat it, but just no thank you, kylo."

he took the lid off and the smell of meat caught your nostrils. "eat it or i'll shove it down your throat. this is me being nice, and you should be grateful for that." kylo said and you glared at him, pushing the cart away from you.

his hand grasped onto your jaw, forcing your mouth open and put two bits of meat into your mouth. it wasn't animal meat─ it was human meat. you could tell it was from a human because the meat was covered with too much spices, remembering back to holdo.

you couldn't eat it.

you cried and kylo worked your jaw to chew the meat. "if you think about spitting it out, i will toss you like a whore to my knights so they can take care of you, and trust me, they won't be easy." kylo threatened and you slowly swallowed down the meat, feeling ashamed.

he repeated the process and you swallowed more of it down, needing to throw it all up instead.

in minutes, the plate was cleared and kylo smirked in satisfaction. you were sobbing and felt gross. he pushed the rolling cart to the side and stroked your hair.

"who did i just eat?" you asked and he chuckled, his smirk never disappearing, but growing more vile and sinister.

"your friend, poe dameron."

you broke into a hard gasp, sobbing and touched your stomach, officially going to be sick to it. "yeah, he was a feisty one and i should've killed him when i first got him." kylo watched you cry, feeling no remorse to what he did. he thought it was fun and exciting.

you scooted to the end of the bed, not able to go far since your neck still had the chain around it. "aw, don't cry, little flower. you have me, remember? there's no need to be afraid." his voice was genuine, soft and easy. "come here, little flower."

"no, no. you stay away from me, you bastard!" you yelled, throwing a pillow at his face and he had no reaction. "you killed my best friend, you fucking psycho!"

"psycho? no no, that's very inaccurate, little flower. the resistance doesn't care about you, and never will."

"i will fucking slit your throat, asshole! you are sick and i want the damn microchip out of my neck!"

"do you know why i came back for you, sweetheart? i came back because i do want you to myself. i would kill anyone who stood in my way of having you, and your friends did exactly that. yet, you are very blind to that." kylo cupped your cheek, thumb stroking it and more tears trickled out of your eyes. "and i'm all you have. you belong to me."

his eyes spoke different than his words did. his eyes were dark, minacious and cold.

kylo unwrapped the chain from your throat, putting it to the side. "don't move. i'm getting something for you." he got up and disappeared into the second room.

you took your moment and rushed to the hatch door, that was locked. you banged on the door and screamed for help, only to be yanked by your hair, thrown to the floor.

"what the fuck did i say, huh? are you that fucking dumb?" kylo spat, his spit getting on your face and you kicked him in the stomach, earning a grunt from him. it wasn't enough to fight him off. you punched him in the face, being sure you broke your hand from it and shivered in fright as you were being thrown down onto the bed. kylo straddled your hips, holding you down with his force.

kylo's hand hovered over your skull, intense pressure being applied and you groaned, teeth clashing together.

"you will stop fighting and obey me."

your body weakened. "i will stop fighting and obey you.."

"you will serve my knights and i."

"i will serve your knights and you.."

you were calmed down and he exhaled heavily, getting off of you. "i wish you could just see that you are all i want and i'm the only person who can really take good care of you." he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

you thought he was being sincere, ingenious and wholehearted, softening up to it.

but kylo ren knew how to get into your head and much more. indeed, he did want you, yet he knew what to say or do. he knew what words you wanted to hear, so then, you'd fall under him and he'd get to have you forever.

he was the puppeteer and you didn't even notice it.

from how ardent he sounded, your brows rose and you sat behind him, chewing onto your lower lip. you didn't trust him, and didn't want to anytime soon, but he sounded like he meant well.

like he was apologizing in his own way.

you didn't know what else to say, and rested your chin on his shoulder, arms looping themselves around his torso. "if you care about me, you'd let me go and be free."

that set him off easily like a wildfire.

"you're never leaving and if you try to do it one more time, i will fucking kill you." kylo hand was squeezing your jaw, your teeth and it about to break from his strength. you whimpered and shook your head, hitting him in the chest. you were too weak and he was too strong.

"kylo.. you're hurting me.." you whispered, your tears getting onto his fingers and brows drew together. he didn't care of how much you cried or pleaded.

he did let go of you, standing up from the bed and something in his mind shined like a bright spark. "i will make you a deal. obey and serve tonight, and then i'll allow you to leave in the morning." he offered and your eyes widen, a smile on your face.

"really?"

"mhm. but that's only if you are obedient. if you slightly back talk or have an attitude, deal is off." he told you and you thanked him, nodding. in a second, you did become obedient and kylo tried his best to not snicker because you actually fell for that. "but you will not be serving me. you will be serving my knights, and same rules apply for them. do you understand?"

you nodded, your smile weakening when the knights of ren stepped into the room. their masks, weapon and armor were all off, in casual clothing. "she is all yours. do as you please." kylo granted them their lucky wish they had been dying for, sitting down on the couch.

he was going to watch.

the knights of ren stripped off their clothing, cardo starting off the fun by groping you and you moaned, his lips touching your neck. he also took off your shirt and undergarments, vicrul's fingertips trailing over your cunt.

it was quick and easy for them to get you in a deep submissive headspace, kylo smirking to himself and his tongue swept over his lower lip, humming in concentration.

you had seem to forgotten the deal when you were getting pounded by both trudgen and ap'lek, using your mouth to please the other knights. your mind was hazy and you were a mess of noises, eyes rolling back. you gave them so much pleasure, they wanted to continue fucking you for many more days.

you panted and sweated, your legs spazzing for the third time from now kuruk and cardo, moaning loudly. you also forgot kylo was in the room, who was observing you only. he observed how your eyes rolled back when you reaching your high, or how you made such pretty noises, to the point where you could nearly lose your voice.

"have you all had enough, hm?" kylo asked his knights, getting up from the couch and ushar had barley finished in you. "i'll take that as a yes. i'm pleased that you had your enjoyment but now i dismiss you."

they respected his word, putting back on their clothing and you sat up, out of breath. your legs were sore and weak. you could finally rest and in the morning when you woke, you'd be heading back home.

the knights of ren left the room and you sighed, wiping your mouth clean. kylo looked at you and you raised a brow, wondering why he had his eyes glued to you. he was so focused on your facial expression and how you were feeling. he peeped into your mind, too.

he chuckled. "you are one ditzy, brainless girl."

"what?"

"did you really believe i'd let you go? just like that? you are not going anywhere." he said, pulling his shirt over his head and hovered over you, grinning. "you are stuck with me, whether you like that or not."

you spat in his face, smacking him. in a swift second, he was chaining your wrists together and you slowly lost blood circulations as he was taking off the rest of his clothing. kylo's fingers curled into your hair, bringing your head up and shoved your mouth down onto his cock.

he held himself in place, his cock practically fucking your mouth, almost able to feel him down your throat too. tears stung your eyes, wrists yanking at the chains and kylo used his force to firstly pin your legs down to stop fighting, and lastly, to rub your cunt.

you moaned and saliva formed at the corners of your mouth, drool dripping out. the drool ran down your chin to your bare chest, kylo moaning and hissed between his teeth, his grip tighten in your locks.

"you are only worthy enough for my pleasure. the only reason why you are alive is to serve me. i am your supreme leader and master, and you will address me as such. either way, you have no choice." he said and you whimpered, crying. kylo pushed your mouth further down his cock, keeping it locked there for thirty seconds.

your mind became foggy, slowly losing consciousness and it was hard for you to breathe through your nose properly. his slipped his cock out of your mouth and you inhaled as much air as you could, putting himself right back in.

kylo was delighted to know you were suffering. he began to breathe heavily, climaxing into your mouth without a given warning to you. your mouth was free and he spat into it, smacking you. you swallowed down both, the force disappearing form your cunt, kylo replacing it with his fingers going inside of you.

he thrusted three fingers into you, completely stretching you out and your back arched, seeing stars in your vision. you hated the control, dominance and power he had. you hated him and needed all of everything to be over with you. you wouldn't fall into his trap any deeper.

it was quick for you to cum now, even so effortlessly. your legs trembled and kylo shook his head, pinning your hips down onto the bed with his arm due to them bucking up. "don't you dare fucking cum. you are not allowed to cum without my permission. hold it." he warned and you didn't know how long you could hold it, whining.

your lower lip tugged into a small put, whining and shook your head. you told yourself you could do it, but failed in the end. fear rushed through your body as you came seconds before, too afraid to look kylo in the eye.

he tasted you on his fingers to get them clean, taking himself off the bed and grab the burning candle. you shook your head, feet kicking and begged in tears, sobbing. it was no use. you couldn't stop him. you could scream, and that wouldn't be enough to stop him.

he tilted the candle and wax poured down the middle of your body, burning your skin. a high pitched wail left your throat, the brim of your eyes pouring a waterfall out. he poured all of the wax onto your body, throwing the candle to the ground and its glass shattered into unfixable pieces.

the burns pierced into your skins, making their permanent marks. kylo turned you over onto your stomach, his hands skimming over your ass. he did nothing for minutes, getting off to your sobs.

he hand struck your ass harshly, repeating the brutal act one both cheeks. he repeated it, over, over, over, over, over, over and over again, until your ass was red and slight blood starting to appear. he smeared the blood, his smacks now vicious and ruthless. he smeared more of the blood, satisfied and content.

your voice was growing hoarse and kept cracking, now losing it. you couldn't scream anymore, only crying. you cried, thinking that would be enough to stop him but it wasn't. he would stop when he wanted to.

kylo picked up a piece of the broken candle glass, cutting your skin open on your ass, creating slits. your mind clouded up, out of breath and weak. you were weak and broken. you felt broken physically, mentally and emotionally.

your ass bled, not noticing or feeling kylo fucking you again. his fingers dug into your waist, leaving bruises there and your noises being so low, kylo could scarcely hear you. he rammed into you, moaning your name and your body couldn't take anymore. you couldn't take anymore.

kylo poured his high into you, looking at your hole drip and he got out of you, flipping you onto your back. your eyes were red, cheeks stained with tears and hair messy. you were a mess. a broken, vulnerable mess.

he looked at the burn scars, that peeled your skin instantly and hummed. he hummed because he was proud of himself, that he got to you and cracked you like a code. it was easy, simple and fun. it was a thrill for him, truly.

"you'll be okay soon, little flower. that was exciting, don't you think?" kylo asked and your eyes slowly closed, mumbling incoherently. he couldn't make out any words you were saying. "aw, little flower. there, there─ you are okay."

you didn't feel okay. you felt disgusting. your body was burned and your ass was streaming blood from the deep cuts he engraved into you. and what made it worse overall, is he enjoyed it. he didn't care about how you felt. he enjoyed it and kept going at it until he was fulfilled.

kylo stood up and changed himself back into his clothes, then went to run a bath for you, setting a fresh towel onto the sink and scooped you up into his arms after he finished the preparation for you. sitting you in the water, you whimpered from your cuts stinging and kylo petted your hair. "i have a meeting to attend to, but i should be back soon. i'll have a nurse come give you stitches, and anything else she thinks you need."

you nodded, hugging your knees and he kissed the top of your head, farewelling you. you heard the hatch door close and you broke down into sobs, using the soap bar to scrub the feeling of kylo ren off your body. you scrubbed and scrubbed, hands shaking. all the wax came off your body, yet your skin was still burned and poisoned by the touch of kylo ren.

you threw the dumb bar at the wall, angry and upset with yourself. you wouldn't be here if you didn't try to kill him in the beginning. it was all your fault and you were forever stuck in his mess and life. there was no way you'd be leaving soon unless someone killed him or you.

you sat in the tub for an hour, staring at the wall and slowly dissociated from reality around you. your eyes finally stopped crying, your heart was heavy and your muscles refused to function.

you needed sleep, to forget everything. to forget what happened. to have a moment of peace. you stepped out of the tub, putting the towel around you and sighed, rubbing your face with your hands. your legs were aching and you hurriedly changed into your undergarments and the long sleeve of kylo ren's.

the nurse came in on time, greeting you and did her job without questioning what the hell had happened to you. she cleaned your wounds with wipes, applying bandages and gave you a bottle of painkillers. it was a come and go job for her.

after she left, you laid in the bed, curling up in the blankets. you hoped the resistance would come back for you again.

you just needed to hope and you'd be okay.


	10. chapter ten.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chaos and conflict grows more and more, leaving you in wonder where you stand with kylo ren, and asking yourself who he really is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so listen.... i'm not sure what weapon besides a lightsaber can take out snoke's guard,,, so pls do not come at me for it. i literally spent an hour trying to figure it out and i assumed snoke's guards r just like palpatine's in tros when ben took them out so yeah. it is like my alternative perspective.. so again, DO NOT COME AT ME FOR IT. ok ily all and enjoy!

ren watched you sleep, noticing you were knocked out into a deep slumber. he had just return from a mission, finding you in his bed when he got into his chambers and not in the one he left you in before his disappearance— he noted the fact you probably didn't want to spend your days there. a small frown was on his face as he saw bruising around your neck from he choked you, yet no sympathy was found in him for it.

you were warmed up in his long sleeve, cuddling into a pillow and the blanket barley covered your lower half. he hummed, tugging it over your body.

he became slightly startled when a whimper left you, afraid he might have woken you up. he froze there, looking down at you and your eyes didn't open to an awakening, but you whimpered more.

the whimpers continued, small pleads of no wailing out with them. a tear ran down the corner of your eyes and ren was aware of what was occurring.

ren's hand cupped your cheek, thumb stroking it ever so gently and another tear of yours fell onto it. "little flower, wake up." he whispered, hand traveling up to your hair and fingers ran through it. it took seconds, maybe a minute or two, for you to wake up.

with your eyes opening, the first thing to see was kylo ren himself and you panicked, pushing him away. you hid under the covers and sobbed, frightened to have seen his face.

his little flower was scared of him, and he didn't like that. he hadn't seem to have done anything to make you frightened of him, or so he had thought he hadn't. "little flower, don't hide from me. that's not nice." he cooed, settling himself on the edge of the bed and you made sure the blankets protected you from his malicious self.

"g—get away from me. go back to wherever you were.." you rasped, tears caught in your throat and hiccuped. surely you had lost hope that you'd be found ever again, but you would at least like to suffer and rot in peace.

"i can't go anywhere else, sweetheart. this is my quarters, after all," ren had reminded you, a smirk on his face and you dwelled on what happened a few nights ago. a possession had taken over kylo ren that night, with no mercy and sympathy to be shown. "come out, little flower. i won't hurt you."

he was full of shit. he would hurt you without no hesitation, probably near the next step of slitting your throat open the second you talked back or escaped again. "leave me alone.. please. you have taken all of me, and i have nothing else to give." your voice was so rough and broken, your tears begging for the mercy you needed.

kylo knew what your nightmare was _exactly_ about─ it was about him. he was your living life nightmare.

"i wouldn't harm you, little flower. you know that. come out from the covers and just look at me," his voice was considerate and genuine, a mocking pout on his lips. you were unsure, peeking out from the covers and all he could see what your eyes. your doe, glossy eyes that were filled with terror. "all the way, little flower."

you obeyed, sitting up and had the blanket cover your lap. you squeaked from his hands abruptly cupping your warm cheeks and you were shaking in them. "you're trembling. just listen to me and we'll be fine. we don't want another lash out to happen, now do we?" ren asked and you shook your head, eyes focused on your lap. "c'mon, you're still trembling. you don't need to do that whenever i'm with you, little flower."

you didn't believe a word he said, shivering in horror and his hands peeled away from you.

ren sat up from the bed, fingers about to get hold of his mask. "why do you do it?" you asked, his feet stopping where he was and his back was to you. "why do you hurt me? i'm the only person telling you the truth, and trying to have you see who you are. do you even know who you are?"

he didn't. he knew he was a child in a mask, and only breathing because snoke _believes_ he is just like the mighty legend darth vader. he was conflicted and that made everything harder for him.

"you hurt me because i've done nothing but speak and open up to you. i'm giving you the reality check so you can see what the fuck you have done!" you yelled, anger filling you up and you could explode like a dying star.

ren turned his head, slowly and eyes were over his shoulder. the eyes of his were dark, infuriated but mostly, sad. sad eyes, with so many secrets and a story to tell. but he wouldn't say anything, because that would be weakness and that wasn't who he is. "go back to sleep, little flower. i'll see you soon." he was going to walk out that door to leave you with the most wondering questions. you ran to the door, blocking him away from it. kylo stared into your eyes, frustrated already.

"i know i tried to kill you, and i'm sorry for that. but you need to understand this person you are is not okay. you're dangerous, kylo. you're a monster with no heart and i'm trying to have you realize that with my time being a prisoner here." you confessed, your hands touching his cheeks and he didn't push you away. you took a moment to process ever feature of him, a small smile on your face and a big lump in your throat.

your touch was a bliss of euphoria. your touch was nice, gentle and easy. he felt okay from simply having your hands on his face. he knew it was wrong to feel this way for the enemy, but didn't mind it.

"why can't you see who you are?" you asked once more, which came out more as a whisper of despair and your heart took another downfall.

"i know who i am, little flower. and soon, you will come to understand that everything i do is for you." ren said, kissing your forehead and pushed your hands away.

"you know, your mother misses you. han _did_ missed you. they missed their son, ben solo. i know he's still somewhere in you, i believe it." you were in instant regret as kylo shoved you up against the wall, his hand back on your throat. he tighten his grip, and fury captivated his being, getting close into your face.

"mention that name ever again and i'll fucking kill you," kylo threatened and you whimpered, trying to gasp for air. "i never want to hear that name again. do you understand me?"

you nodded and he let go of you, grabbing his mask before he stormed out of his quarters. you sunk down against the wall, crying and brought your knees up to your chest, accepting the fact you were never going back home.

the first order was your home now, and you had to spend the rest of your days dealing with kylo's psychotic self and being his pleasure. you were nothing more than just entertainment.

you looked up to the ceiling, tears blocking up your vision and you tried your best to breathe properly.

"i just want to go home.." you whispered, knowing nobody could hear you and you could only wish of this forever.

you don't know how long you sat on the ground for, your body cold and you were numb. your eyes were red from crying, lips chapped and skin growing more frozen each day.

you got yourself up from the floor, going to the bathroom and looked at yourself in the mirror. you brought down the collar of the long sleeve, observing the handprint of kylo ren's that was on your neck.

it was bruised. red and purple, seeming painful. your eyes couldn't stop looking at it. _you_ couldn't stop looking at it. you got lost eyeing it, and your fingertips slowly brushed onto it. you stared at yourself. you were a mess. you were hopeless and broken. kylo ren had taken all of everything from you.

these thoughts of yours crushed your mind and you sniffled, splashing water on your face. "you're gonna be okay.. you got this." you whispered to yourself, nodding and dried your face with the small towel on the rack.

you turned your head to the doorway, finding kylo there. you hadn't heard him come in, and it alarmed you, his mask forever held in his hand. "pants are on the bed for you. get changed up, we are seeing supreme leader snoke." he said, leaving you puzzled as he walked out and you shook it off, heading into the bedroom. you saw the pants there, slipping them on right away and put on your boots.

"what does your leader want, and why do i have to tag along?" you asked, tying up the last of laces and brows drawn together in curiosity. you and ren stepped out of his quarters, walking side by side. you were far from looking good. your throat was mark and bruised, your skin was burned, and your jaw was had a purplish spot from getting walloped in the jaw by kylo's lightsaber.

no one said a thing, especially when getting into his command shuttle. he handcuffed you and shoved you down into the seat, careless if you were injured or not from it.

"you are a confusing person, kylo. not about two seconds ago, you were about to slaughter me and now you're taking me to your supreme?" you asked and he turned on the command shuttle, pushing a few buttons here and there. "wait— is this my execution? have you finally had enough?"

"if i wanted to kill you, i'd do it alone and with my bare hands. that's my opportunity to take, not anyone else's," he acknowledged, the command shuttle rumbling a bit and you rolled your eyes. "you are my prisoner, after all."

you scoffed. "that's all i am? just your prisoner?"

"did you expect to be something else?" he questioned and you were right, leaning back in the co-pilot seat. your eyes were darted out the window, ready for the next endless round of tears and you bit down on your tongue.

you lost track of time being kylo's prisoner. you didn't know how long you had been held captive for and continued to rewind the memory of leaving him. the small moment of freedom and happiness. you would never have any of that back.

"it's been nearly a month," kylo blurted and you grew flustered to the forgotten fact he could read your thoughts. "nearly a month and counting."

"counting? you're really planning to keep me around forever?"

ren hummed and shrugged, putting the command shuttle into autopilot. he turned his attention towards you, man spread and leaned forward. he spun your seat to face him, a smirk on his face. "i do plan to do that unless you do one more stupid thing." he said and you flipped him off, giving a less fuck about your existence.

"what are you going to do with my corpse then, hm? feed it to the next girl who tries to murder you?" you mused, and he thought about that idea, causing you to let out another scoff. "i don't think you understand how fucking sick you are in the head."

"i'm not sick. i'm creative and just fine."

" _creative? just fine?_ are those the new words psychos like you use nowadays?" you try to think properly of the stupid fucking words kylo ren was using, and your eyes drifted away from his face, looking back into the galaxy.

kylo didn't say anything more or less after that, leading the command shuttle to his supreme leader. silence caved in, uncomfortable and miserable, both minds having different thoughts.

the command shuttle rolled into the new hangar bay and with it landing, the engine shut off in a snap, kylo leaving his mask in the shuttle. kylo stood you up, his hand on your back and guided out of the shuttle. more stormtroopers appeared and you stuck out your tongue at them, showing off your middle finger as well.

"suck my ass, you useless bitches!" you yelled and kylo fingers curled into the side of your waist, receiving a yelped from you. "you're all punk bitches! everyone of the first order are brainwashed and have the intelligence of a fucking fish!"

kylo wasn't in the mood for your tantrum, moving you both quicker to inside the elevator and you huffed, giving the stormtroopers one last exclusive look at your middle finger.

the elevator doors opened, kylo pushing you inside first and they closed behind him. you collided into the wall, not able to fight him since your wrists were still restrained.

he pressed a button for the elevator to stop going into motion. "knees, now. i don't fucking care— knees now," his voice got deeper and gruff, already getting to his pants. you didn't move an inch or a single muscle of yours, shaking your head and a proud smile stood bright on your face. "do as your fucking told for once in your pathetic, hopeless life. as i should remind you, you're here to serve me whenever i bark at you to."

"i actually have a better life than you, to be quite honest. at least i don't mope and sulk like your weak self." you fired back, smiling and ren didn't hang back on the act of forcing you down onto your knees. kylo used the force to locked you down onto your knees, holding you there.

another misuse of the force was carried out and you felt pressure on your cunt, along with your mouth hanging open. "if you disrespect my people like that ever again, i'll rip that tongue right out of this pretty mouth of yours. that's no threat, little flower. it's a promise. you have no more warnings." kylo vowed significantly and was finished fiddling with his pants.

your mouth stayed opened and kylo's fingers combed through your hair, grasping onto it roughly, a smirk of sinister sewed onto his face. he pushed your mouth down onto his cock and you gagged when you felt just the tip of it hit the back of your throat.

ren didn't give you the choice to breathe or catch the slightest of air, your head being pushed down every second and the force rubbing your cunt. drool came spewing out the corners of your mouth, running down and landing on shirt. he moaned your name in a hush tone, his fingers digging further into your hair and you gagged, eyes rolling back.

he continued to ram himself down your throat, only pulling out for a second and you gasped, coughing. "hm, that's enough time." he muttered, going right back in and you squirmed, closing your eyes to refuse any eye contact with him.

tears came to the base of your waterline, making their way out of eyes and the force was multitasking with holding your mouth open and pleasuring you.

you whimpered and moan, finding desire in it all. you didn't need kylo creeping into your mind and finding out you were enjoying this, or he'd get all cocky and it'd boost his superiority complex.

ren gnashed his teeth, a hiss being heard from in between them and his head fell back, humming in response of finally reaching his high. 

you prepared yourself, of course, and he cursed loudly as he freely released that high of his. he looked down at you, his cock slipping out of your mouth and a saliva line was seen. he fixed himself up right away, adjusting his clothing and gloves.

"don't swallow yet, little flower," ren squatted down and hummed, the force vanishing off of you. you moved your mouth around and furrowed your brow his way. his hand clutched your jaw, spitting inside your mouth and patted your cheek, nodding in the response that you could swallow, which you did. "next time, it'll be worse."

he stood you up and wiped your mouth clean with the inside of the shirt you were wearing, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. he brushed his fingers through your hair, fixing it up and put the elevator back into motion.

"that wasn't so bad." kylo said and you snickered, the two of you facing the doors. "i'm just your servant and prisoner after all." you said, smiling bitterly and sarcastically.

you didn't know what the supreme leader looked like, and pictured him being old or foolish like kylo ren. you thought he'd be a moron.

the elevator doors opened and your eyes were met with a whole different person. a creature, to be correct. he was tall, with pale skin that sagged grossly and his smirk was just as vile as kylo's.

"my boy." the supreme leader praised, kylo's hand returning his hand on your back and walked you both out of the elevator. you walked together midway, until he moved you few inches closer and knelt to his leader right behind you.

kylo became a unassertive and servile. he wasn't the same guy he was back in the elevator. you faced snoke confidently, shoulders back and chin pointed high.

"so this is the resistance's most skilled girl? i expected someone more.. weak and hideous, as i should say." snoke started off and you cooed at him, lips in a mocking frown. "awe, supreme leader snoke. you shouldn't talk about yourself like that. you forgot to mention that you are a dimwit." you responded and snoke chuckled, hands folded in his lap.

he was focused on ren, permitting him to stand and take off your handcuffs. your wrists were free and you sighed, cracking your knuckles.

"alright, bitch boy. what do you want?" you got straight to the point and snoke was angry by your rudeness, yet you knew he deserved it. "stop being butt hurt, saggy tits. now tell me what you want."

ren was mentally facepalming himself, knowing he should have killed you the second he got to you in the forest. but now he needed you more than ever.

he needed you, by his side, even for this moment.

"with your skills and information on the resistance, you could help out the dark side. we want answers to what the resistance next steps are or what they are planning to do." snoke answered and you stood there, your face scrunched up in skepticism.

"i'm sorry.. hold on," you bursted out into a laughter, pointing your thumb at snoke when facing kylo, "get a load of this guy!" you shouted, your hand over your chest and tried to catch a breather from laughing so much. "you really think just because i'm the hostage of kylo ren, i'm just going to give up answers that easily? are you fucking stupid or were born a natural idiot?"

your incivility worked up snoke and that's what kylo needed. he needed you to keep going.

kylo stood behind you and when snoke was looking to the side of him to bark at his guards about your sarcasm, kylo snatched your hand and placed something in your hand.

_a dagger._

the last time you held your dagger was hours before you got wrapped up in this hellhole of kylo ren's. knowing he could read your mind, you quickly asked him why he gave it back to you.

"when i say go, you go," kylo whispered in your ear and that made you uneasy. what did he have planned? what was he going to do? you were clueless and he had to leave you clueless. "you want to know why i'm like this, little flower? you'll find out right now, and for this one time, you need to listen. _i need your help."_

ren took a few steps back and snoke put his full attention back on you two. he needed your help. you repeated those four words in your head and calmed yourself, knowing it was a bad idea to look back at him to ask more questions.

you put the dagger in your pocket and rested your hands behind your back, smiling small at snoke.

"i can see you're not wearing that childish mask of yours, ren. you don't deserve to wear it unless you know you are like your grandfather, and it humors me everyday that you believe you'd be just like him. you'd never be like him if you keep on hesitating on killing your mother and the resistance," snoke was harsh, degrading kylo to the core and it seemed like kylo was use to his sort of thing. he had been through it before. "but the only way to finally complete your training.. and to finish your grandfather's legacy, is if you kill the prisoner. it seems like she's not good enough."

"if you lay a hand on me, then the resistance will finish you off. all of you!" your voice boomed throughout the throne room and snoke chuckled, shrugging. you were slowly levitated from your feet, being pulled towards snoke and you weren't scared of him. you couldn't be scared of someone like him.

"you will die, and i thank you for being the reason why my apprentice completes his training. you've made him weak," snoke told you, his corpse hand touching your cheek and your breathing shuddered. "if you think you can change him, then i would enjoy to inform you that i see his every move and hear his every thought. his thoughts are only filled with you."

kylo was aware snoke would hear his thoughts at some point, and was more aware that this moment would come. you knew what was happening very well─ you were leverage and bait. that's why kylo needed your help.

kylo wanted to kill his master, but you didn't know why.

"the resistance is not intimidated by you, and you don't scare me, snoke. you're the childish one, if you haven't noticed. breaking down a man because you don't feel any good about how you've trained him isn't going to solve anything. in my world, we call that an insecure person, and that's what you are. just an insecure, old, rotting man who failed to create another darth vader. _you failed_." you rolled it all out and snoke's hand fell away from your face, eyes staring into yours.

you had broken into snoke's soul.

snoke threw you back, your head colliding with your the ground and you groaned in pain. he used his force to bring you onto your knees and had you face kylo ren, his force grip going away after a few seconds. "finish her!" snoke gelled and kylo grabbed his lightsaber, activating it. the lightsaber raged it's red and hummed, ready to be used, and you just kept yourself knelt on both knees.

ren took one last look at his master, and then you. he looked into your eyes and you saw desperation in his own. for the first time in your existence, you had never seen someone begging for such help.

snoke stood up from his seat, slamming his fist on the side of his throne, "finish her! if you want to become the next vader and complete his legacy, you will kill her!"

"go!" kylo yelled and in a bolt of a second, you stood up, grabbing your dagger. you threw it straight at snoke's throat, with it perfectly spiking into his esophagus and kylo turned you around, giving you another weapon─ a blaster pistol. you had to thank the stars he was wearing his stupid cape to cover up these weapons.

"you had this the entire time?!" you asked and he nodded, as you picked it up from his hands, shooting at snoke. snoke was too slow to act fast or even back, already dead by the time you took your fifth shot at him.

you panted, looking at kylo. you both came face to face. he was on your side, and you were on his side. he twirled his lightsaber and you put your dagger in your pocket, blaster being held strong in your hand. 

you and him stood in the middle of the throne room, snoke's elite praetorian guards ready to fight back for their master.

with weapons ready to charge and strike, you and kylo went back-to-back, getting your own groups of praetorian guards. "what do i do? i highly doubt i can take out them out with this blaster!" you shouted in a frantic, all the praetorian guards warming up their own weapons.

"just stay close to me and you'll be okay, little flower. i won't let them hurt you." kylo reassured and your heart felt fuzzy, which was disgusting in your own head. kylo was the one to hurt you, never protect you, until now.

everything felt like slow motion, and each time you blinked, they were getting closer and closer.

kylo pierced his lightsaber through the second guard, and you stayed near him, using his back as leverage to kick the other guard, grabbing his thigh for support.

you shot the fourth guard multiple times, your blaster shots barley able to get through their tough armor. "there's too many of them! what kind of prestigious people are they?" you asked, your voice being raised and high, switching out your blaster to your dagger, the blaster being shoved into the back of your pants carelessly.

"keep your eyes on them and save your questions for later!" kylo shouted and you distanced yourself from him, sliding under the legs of the fifth guard and stabbing your dagger into their calves, taking a sharp slit down their legs.

kylo was fighting at his own pair guards, pointing his lightsaber them all and eyed them one by one, his breathing heavy.

red blood poured and they collapsed, losing balance quickly. their bloods got onto your hands and you stood up, another guards coming your way. you did the same slide, hoping onto their back and used all your strength to plunge your dagger into their neck through the thick armor. "say hi to snoke for me." you whispered, taking back your dagger and got off their corpse. you did the same pattern routine with the sixth guard aiming at you.

kylo was slowly losing his battle with the guards and they were all ganging up on him. he at least killed the first and third guards, but there was three of them and only one of him.

you finished off your set and dropped your dagger, pointing your blaster at them. you shot the seventh guard in the helmet, his eyes taken off of kylo and put on you.

sparks flew out when you took more shots and you swallowed your hot breath down, taking the next shot at their leg. they fell and kylo savagely stabbed that guard, twisting his lightsaber inside of them.

the seventh one died in a merciless way and kylo was releasing his wrath onto this guards. wrath that he held in for years. he was finally getting revenge that he'd been seeking since he fell under snoke.

there was two left— the second and eighth guards of snoke. the eighth guard elbowed kylo and his lightsaber tumbled your way, still raging.

you stared at it and grew paralyzed, hearing your heartbeat in your ears. "grab it! you got this, it's okay!" kylo shouted and you didn't stall on obeying him this time, dagger falling out of your palm and used both hands to pick up the lightsaber of kylo ren's.

you saw rey trained with her lightsaber a few times and remembered her skilled she used. you made your way to the eighth guard, tearing up as the red lightsaber graciously stabbed into him and stopped fighting kylo.

the guard stood there for a moment, wobbling and you decapitated off their head, kicking them to the red interior. you tossed back the lightsaber to kylo, who's hand perfectly got hold of it and fought off the last, final guard.

the head that you decapitated set off a wildfire, the throne room catching on fire. you stood next to kylo, both of you looking at guards you just murdered.

your own anger took over you as you killed them all. anger that was built up because of kylo and you released it onto guards that weren't him.

kylo took steps back in disbelief, trying to understand what he had just done. he looked the other way, walking and standing in front of the corpse of his master. his deceased master who trained him for years and years.

he didn't know what to say, his lightsaber turning off and clipping it to his belt. you took the blaster out of the back of your pants, letting it be on the floor instead.

you faced kylo, trying to catch your breath and your face softened in concern. "ben.." you whispered and he didn't yell or snap at you for calling him that. his eyes were glued to this corpse and he let out a strong exhale, turning his head. "ben, what's wrong.."

ren's ears awed at the sound of your small, gentle voice and took slow steps towards you, but kept his distance. he was only a few feet away from you.

the room burned down into nothing, dead people everywhere and you shared a longing stare with kylo ren. "you and i can start a new chapter, and let old things die," he started off and you were taken back in surprise, wondering what he had meant. then, he stuck out his hand. "you are what i want, and you can stay by my side as i rule the galaxy, or you can join with me once the resistance is gone."

you shook your head, the tears of yours going down your cheeks and you sniffled. you thought killing snoke would change kylo and help him realize that's not who he is. "why.. why did you bring me here?" you asked, head spinning from the tension in the room and your breathing pattern was starting to get unsteady.

"to show you who i am, and to take the deserve position as supreme leader," he answered honestly and you gasped inaudibly, using the back of your hand to get rid of your tears. "there is no ben. i destroyed him and now he's gone. but i ask for you to join me."

his hand stayed stuck out to you, waiting for your decision. you knew regardless of how many times you fought with him and pleaded to go back home, you'd end up staying with him.

"don't do this.. please," your heart was shattered, never hurt or crushed like this before. "i will help you.. i know ben solo is still in there. you showed me he is in there somewhere by protecting me not too long ago.."

"join me," kylo got a few steps closer, hand continued to reach out further to you. you stared this leather gloved hand of his, biting down on your tongue to hold back the tears that wanted to be free. your eyes traveled up, looking into his one last time. "please.."

his voice was imploring and you felt dizzy, hazy and a little lost, taking yourself back. "i can't.. and i won't," you stated, shaking your head and hugged yourself. "i don't want to be with you, kylo. i never did, and ben solo still lives in you.."

"no, no. you're still holding on! let go!" kylo shouted and you flinched in reaction, his hand going to side of him. "do you understand what you are? or who _you_ are? you were nothing when you were a child. you fended for yourself in coruscant because you had no parents or anything. you didn't have a mother figure in your life until leia found you."

"how do you know that?" you asked, scared that he knew all these things about you. "when you slept, i watched you and i was always there. i scavenged through your mind and founded out everything about you. you have no place in this story, you come from nothing. you're nothing," he said and you sniffled, looking down in anguish. "but not to me."

your eyes shot back into his, face emotionless and slightly bewildered. you meant something more than just a prisoner to him. you did have a fulfill purpose in his life, and that was not just being a prisoner. a captive. a hostage. a sex toy. you have a meaning.

alas, his hand begged and reached for yours in agreement. it wouldn't be betrayal if the resistance gave up on you, mainly after you got their best resistance fighter pilot killed.

maybe kylo was all you had.

"you told me in the shuttle i wasn't anything else to you. you told me i was just your servant. that i was just your prisoner, and nothing more," you hesitated _again_ and shook your head, picking up your dagger. "i don't believe you, and i don't want to be with a brutal man with you who only has such─"

you couldn't finish what you were ready to scream out, your ears ringing and your body fell back, hitting the ground. your vision was blurry, the noise around you became static and turned into nothing. your eyes closed, losing conscious and blacked out.

the resistance must have had fought back with the first order, destroying the supremacy. you and kylo laid there, seeing only pitch darkness in your eyes.

"she's here! get her!" you heard the familiar voice of rey echo, and you couldn't move. you couldn't speak or breath properly. smoke blocked your airways.

the only thing you could feel was being picked up and being pulled away from kylo ren.


	11. chapter eleven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there becomes a big shift in the relationship of you and kylo.

it had been two weeks since you were rescued by the resistance. you were taken onto another transport as the resistance fought with the first order on crait and you were accompanied by a nurse, bb-8 and finn.

with you telling the nurse about your chip, you had to undergo intense surgery just to take it out and you were unconscious for a few days after the surgery. they damaged the chip and you were finally free from kylo ren.

you also apologized for the killing of poe dameron, yet no one was mad at you. they were mad and angry at kylo, and from how you described the situation, they knew you were very vulnerable under the control of kylo ren.

you assumed kylo gave up on you because there wasn't any sign of him or the first order attacking. you were relieved at least, and could spend the rest of your life right where you belonged.

you did, however, had to stay in bed and could barely leave it. leia gave you strict orders to rest in bed and stay there until your burn and cut scars were healed, along with your neck, that had a fresh new stitching. all you did was stare at the ceiling, eat fruits or think about kylo.

when you thought of him, you felt guilty and wrong to do so, but your mind always trailed to him. you wanted to smash your head into a mirror when you thought of him, because your mind wouldn't stop reminding you of all the things he did to you.

the resistance had landed on ajan kloss, safe and sound. your mind told you to not worry about kylo finding you because you had a family that would protect you no matter what. they certainly didn't want kylo ren getting you back.

there was a soft knock on your hatch door and your eyes darted to the sound, picking at your grape. "come in!" you granted and rey appeared, a smile on her face. "oh, hello! you rarely ever visit me."

"i visited you two days ago, dummy. how do you feel? how are your wounds?" she asked, eyes softening to the sight of you and you shrugged, eating the grape. "well, i think it's safe to say you will never be seeing kylo ren ever again. we've been searching for of any signs of the first order, but there's none."

"i don't know, rey.. the first order being quiet suddenly doesn't sit right with me. it's been weeks, and you're telling me they're ghosting? it's either they have a plan or they're actually above us right now and ready to blow." you said, eating the next grape and she sighed, sitting on the edge of your bed.

"you're scared that if they do, kylo will get to you," rey acknowledged the truth and you nodded, looking down into your bowl of fruits. "he's not going to get you, and even if he does, he'll have to get through me to get to you."

you smiled small, looking up at her and nodded again. "it's just.. it was hell being with him. i don't think i ever had one single good day with him, but he surely is a monster." you chuckled softly and she gave you a quick hug, patting your back. you didn't react to this hug, only humming and thanked her.

rey left your room and you were alone, eating your stupid fruits. you placed the bowl on your nightstand, noticing it'd be nightfall in a few hours.

you decided to get some early rest, turning off your nightstand lamp and curled up under your covers, closing your eyes. you hoped to get some good rest and exhaled contently, hugging your pillow.

the noise racket outside your chambers was distant and inaudible, but it mostly was everyone thinking of what their next step was.

you started to drift off into a deep slumber, body relaxing and moon shining through the tiny window you had, with millions of stars twinkling.

your eyes snapped open to the sound of a blaster shot. you could hear your heart in your chest, and your body go completely numb.

"go grab her!" you heard rey shout to someone down the halls and a person barged into your room, telling you what was happening─ you spoke too soon.

you put on your boots, the person holding their hand out for you as support to help you walk and you gladly accepted it. "they're already attacking us?" you asked and they nodded, people climbing aboard to the transports.

a familiar pierce rang in your skull and you fell down, shrieking in pain. your skull wanted to burst and explode into bits. you didn't want this to be happening. you refused to believe he was near you.

_we meet again, little flower._

only five seconds into destroying resistance base and kylo ren was already talking to you in your head. you were okay without him and starting to recover from the stuff he put you through.

the person tried to help you up, but you became too vulnerable and scared to have anyone touch you. if anyone touched you, it'd remind you of kylo.

_run and hide, little flower. i'll find you._

"go away!" you yelled and heavy arms picked you up, which were covered with fur. "chewie, put me down!" you kicked and before he could put you into the transport, it blew up from a shot.

you gasped and everything was a blur of motion. you couldn't focus on anything and chewbacca put you down, growling. "i can't get on the falcon. he will track me there," you told chewie and he growled more, worried for you. "i can't let you or rey die. i can't let anyone else die because of me."

you had grown to the truth that everyone that died in the resistance now was because of you. you had holdo and poe killed because of stupid things you did. you had ships and innocent people blown up because you ran.

_think of your family, little flower._

you stared at chewbacca and hugged him, his growl being sad. "i don't think i'll ever be able to escape him, chewie. i think i have to stay with him," your voice broke, tears demanding to be free from your eyes and you pulled away from the hug, chewbacca putting something your hand. "you want me to shoot him?"

chewie nodded and growled.

you clutched onto the blaster pistol and told him to go with the others. your body ached and sobs were caught in your throat, shooting at stormtroopers.

resistance transports started to leave ground, only a few staying behind for you. your feet left the inside of the resistance base center and made yourself visible to the eyes of the first order.

_i see you, little flower._

kylo ren taunted you, his voice plunging more into your brain and your eyes scanned around your surroundings, panicking. he could be anywhere.

_you were easier to find than i expected, little flower. you'll get a new chip soon._

"leave me alone!" you shouted, shooting more and more at stormtroopers. your shots were rapid and your body moved swiftly, yet becoming paralyzed.

paralyzed and frozen by the force.

"oh, how i've missed you, little flower," kylo ren's voice spoke flatly behind you, his hand touching your waist. you whimpered, eyes only seeing stormtroopers and tie fighters fight with the resistance. "if you lived up to the imagination of being free forever, than you really are stupid."

his touch made your stomach turn and vomit, your heart slowing down. you wondered where rey was or anyone else. you wondered if anyone would try to help you again.

all you could hear was shooting, yelling and the breathing of kylo ren's behind his mask.

"we'll talk more back on the ship." kylo said and you were blacked out into a dark, sleeping void.

┉

you groaned, head pounding and mouth was dry. your first move was to get your feet up, but they were held down. you woke up, discovering your ankles and wrists were tied down, a scream coming out of you.

the room you were in was bright and white. all of it was a white and your head looked to the right, finding kylo ren to be sitting.

"hello, little flower." kylo greeted, taking off his mask and his face was still the same as the last time you saw him. "what do you want?" you asked, resting your head against the cold metaling of the chair you were locked in.

you weren't in the interrogation room, but some other room. the only similarities both rooms had were the chairs.

"my plan worked out perfectly, and as i expected it to. i had to lay quiet as you celebrated your freedom, which didn't last very long," he walked over and stood next to you, a grin on his face. "aren't you happy to see me?"

"i was wishing for you to be dead or something when the resistance got your ass in crait," you sneered and kylo's eyes darted to the bandage on your neck, his fingertips trailing over it. "don't fucking touch me, you maniac!"

kylo hummed, ripping the bandage off and you screamed in agony, feeling like your skin was peeled off, too.

"what the actual fuck is wrong with you!" you yelled and he tossed the bandage away, grabbing something from a silver cart tray in front of him. you couldn't what it was.

"for the pain you've caused me by running, i've decided to make you feel the same." kylo said and you were puzzled by the fact he was hurt when you ran off. did you actually have a meaning to him?

something was put in your mouth and you couldn't spit or bite it out. it was a cheek retractor and your mouth was held wide open with it, unable to speak.

kylo picked up another thing from the tray and your eyes bulked in shock, seeing pilers in his hand. you were scared to experience what his next step was.

the pilers touched your back tooth and your heart sunk, body frantically moving when your tooth was yanked out. kylo didn't feel empathy or anything─ his tongue clicked on the roof of his mouth and hummed, seeing blood pour into your mouth.

you broke down into sobs and squirmed, kylo using his force to keep you stable. he put a new chip into the gum spot where he took out your tooth, careless to your bleeding.

you were locked down by the force and kylo tilted his head when he looked at the shirt you were wearing. "you decided to keep my long sleeve?" he asked and you freaked out in your mind he was able to recognize it on the back of his hand.

you did keep his long sleeve and wore it because it was comfortable and the only last thing you had of him. you sounded crazy and foolish for doing that, but you liked it. you didn't know why, but you did.

blood formed a pool in your mouth and kylo took out the cheek retractor, put a cup out for you to spit in. all your blood drained into the cup and you panted, your mouth hurting. "this long sleeve doesn't mean much to you, does it?" he asked and you raised a brow, hesitantly shaking your head.

kylo cut the middle of the long sleeve with scissors, getting a clear view of your body and grey bra. the force vanished and you exhaled shakily, your eyes following kylo's movements.

"when i was a little boy, i always had stuffed toys. when these toys would rip, i had to learn how to sew them back up. these toys meant so much to me, i even sewed my initials into them. they were mine and i didn't let anyone take them," kylo said, his fingers dragging a red thread through a needle hole and grinned in pride, "if someone took them, i'd go crazy. i remember leia would take them away from me for throwing such tantrums and i didn't like that."

"w—where is this conversation leading to?" you wondered, your heart sinking when you saw the needle and thread. "whatever is mine, has to stay mine. you're just like toys and for that, i must claim you in a more.. proper way," kylo poked the needle at your burn scars and snickered when you yelped, squirming again. "if you keep fighting, it's going to hurt more."

"you're sick!" you yelled and the needle went through your scar, kylo being a perfectionist with it. you didn't know what he was doing with it, but it keep looping in your skin and you cried an ocean of aching tears. you screamed continuously, your throat becoming rough and dry. your voice cracked every time you pleaded for him to stop.

your muscles gave out and you stopped fighting, feeling only the harsh pain. kylo finished the last of the sewing, fingers trailing over his initials he sewed into you like a rag doll.

"no matter what happens.. i will never submit to you.." you muttered, breathing heavily and intensely. kylo leaned his face closer into yours, hands touching the sides of your body and hummed. "we'll see." he whispered and brought up a hand to grasp onto your jaw, shoving the cheek retractor back in your mouth.

you were drained and exhausted, not realizing kylo was stitching up the spot where your back tooth once was. he helped you rinse the blood out of your mouth with water, not saying anything.

"you want to get cleaned up?" kylo asked and you nodded, the cheek retractor being free from your mouth. "it's okay, you're okay.. come here." he cooed, picking you up in his arms, his mask in his hand and you closed your eyes, your arms loose around his neck. he deathly stared at anyone who glanced at you in the slightest, hurriedly taking you to his quarters.

kylo's voice was unknown to your ears and you only hummed in response to whatever he said. he sat you on the ground of his washroom, putting his mask on his bed, taking off his gloves and layer of clothing, keeping on only his pants and shirt. "hey hey.. don't worry, i'm going to freshen you up, okay?" he assured, your eyes drooping and kylo took off your own clothing, especially your boots.

he ran the warm water into the tub quickly, using your arms to cover up your bare body that started to freeze. it took a few minutes for the tub to fill up, kylo settling you in it and you felt his lips press to the side of your head.

kylo rolled up his sleeves, cupping his hands to pour water onto your hair and body. you brought your knees up to your chest, hugging them close to you and rested your chin on them. "you know.. i really fucking hate you.." you confessed, sniffling and kylo poured more water on your body. "i don't know why you do all this to me.."

kylo bit the inside of his cheek, washing your body with the lavender scent soap bar. he didn't say anything because he didn't know what to say, actually. "i keep thinking that you want me around because you care about me and need me.." you mumbled, turning your head to look at him and it hurt to give any emotion to him. "but, i guess i'm wrong. for kriff sakes, you sewed into me like i'm a toy, when in reality, i'm a human being."

kylo stopped washing your body, a small frown on his face and took a minute to look at your body. he saw every bruise, cut and burn scar he left on you. the bruising around your neck was barely starting to fade away. your lips were chapped and teeth were stained from blood he had caused.

from this observation, kylo ren had actually felt bad and guilty.

_this isn't how you care for someone and convince them to stay,_ he thought in his mind and he sighed, dropping the bar into the tub. "move forward," he murmured and you raised a brow in confusion, but did so anyways. kylo took off only his shoes and stepped in, still clothed. you sat in between his legs, his arms wrapped around your torso and his chest was pressed to your back.

his hold was warm and safe. you don't remember the last time someone held you. kylo pressed a few kisses on your shoulder, not understanding why his eyes were burning and why there was water in them.

"i've never wanted anyone the way i want you," kylo admitted and your eyes slightly widen, trying to not make it obvious that your heart bursted, "just stay, please. if i didn't need you or care about you, i would've never looked for you, little flower."

"you don't chip someone or burn them, kylo. that's not caring, that's being over possessive and a bit crazy," you said and he nodded, resting his chin on the top of your head. "you want to know something, ren?"

"hm?"

"though, you did all these awful things to me and i still hate you for it, the time i was away from you, i always thought about you. it was a struggle to sleep because i thought of you. i felt wrong to think of you. you're always on my mind," you revealed, staring at the wall with him and chuckled awkwardly, "probably sounds pathetic and—"

"it doesn't, little flower." ren cut you off and the side of your mouth curved up, humming. "can i ask you something else?" you pondered and he hummed in agreement, as you leaned in closer to his clothed body. "hux and kuruk mentioned that there was practically someone else, and i want to know who it was─ more specifically, what happened to her?"

"her name is ivy mika. that's all you need to know," kylo said and you bit down on your tongue to prevent yourself from asking anything else. you didn't want to anger him. "let's dry you up."

you both got out of the tub, kylo stripping off his wet clothes and went into his chamber's closet to put on new ones. you sat on the washroom sink's counter, covered in a towel and swung your feet.

"here is another one of my long sleeves, trousers and new undergarments. i have to attend to a meeting now, but my knights of ren will escort you to your quarters," kylo explained and you gasped, getting a curious expression from him. "what you've taught me while sitting in a tub that we both have to gain each other's trust, mostly. just because you get your own quarters doesn't mean i'm not going to stop by. i will always come to you when i'm free."

you squealed, hopping off the counter and hugged him tightly. "oh, thank you!" you exclaimed and smiled, as kylo patted your back. "where is my quarters at?"

"highest and last level dock─ or as i should say, the whole dock is just your living space," he said, putting on the rest of his clothing and your cheek began to hurt from how big your smile was growing. "my knights are outside waiting for you, and i'll see you soon." kylo kissed your forehead before leaving, putting on his mask and you put on the clothes provided to you, humming to yourself.

you looked at yourself in the mirror, exhaling and took the towel off your hair, being dry enough. you needed a new plan. a plan to gain kylo's trust and sympathy.

you stared at yourself in the mirror for about five minutes, a lightbulb shining in your mind. "perfect." you mumbled, grinning and tossed your dirty clothes into the basket.

you had a simple idea─ obey and respect, kylo. never talk back, no matter how much spite is building up in you. don't run off or even _think_ about doing so. show him you _"care"_ about him and the resistance doesn't mean anything to you. you would trick him.

you headed out of the washroom and then kylo's quarters, the knights of ren leaning on the walls of the finalizer. "hello, assholes," you said and they shook their helmet heads, leading you to your quarters. "ah, you guys didn't miss me?"

"not even in the slightest," ap'lek responded and you chuckled, walking in between vicrul and kuruk. "but it's good to see master ren hasn't killed you after everything you've done. you must really mean something to him."

"master ren usually kills his prisoners that try to escape. he has a soft spot for you," ushar teased and cardo nudged him, smacking the back of his helmet. "i'm just saying! you're telling me master ren doesn't feel something for the prisoner?"

"hey! the prisoner you're talking about is right here!" you butted in, furrowing your brows and ushar apologized, ruffling your hair. he was definitely the softie of the group. "you really think kylo has something for me?"

"we don't know. he doesn't like to talk about his feelings or what's going on in his head. he's closed off and secretive, and he prefers to keep it that way. i highly doubt master ren has a heart or could develop feelings." vicrul told you, his tone changing to disgust when he said the word _feelings_.

you all squished in the elevator, standing in front of them and crossed your arms over your chest, foot tapping. "what do i need to do in order to get you guys to tell me about ivy mika?" you asked, turning around to face them and behind their masks, their eyes widened.

"we won't tell you since that is disrespecting and breaking master ren's trust, which we never plan to do. we serve and pledge to him," ap'lek honored kylo ren, and you rolled your eyes, the elevator doors opening.

trudgen led the way to your quarters, which was at the right turn and he pushed a button, the black hatch door opening. "here you go," he gestured his arms for you to walk in and your feet slowly took you into the room, your eyes widening.

"t—this is all mine?" you asked in amazement, looking at the chandelier that was hanging in the middle of the living room, having a full window view to the galaxy.

"cabinets and fridge are stored with drinks, foods and snacks. your washroom is connected to your bedroom, and in your closet and drawers, there is many clothing options for you. master ren has also bought you shoes, which are mostly heels. you have a spare room that's for any activities you'd enjoy doing, and if you need anything else, please tell us." ushar fully explained and you chuckled, your feet dragging you into the kitchen, fingers running over the black marble counter.

each room with lighting had a chandelier in it and you were in awe. "i could get use to this.." you whispered to yourself, opening the fridge to find many drink options. you got yourself a glass bottle of orange juice, taking off the cap.

"are you guys going to guard my door?" you asked, your mouth enjoying the taste of fresh orange. "not exactly. master ren had ordered us to take shifts to watch over you when he is not here. for the next four hours, ushar and cardo will be outside your door." trudgen said and you nodded, putting your bottle down on the counter.

kuruk muttered something to them, and you couldn't exactly hear what it was. "we will be back in a few hours. master ren has asked for us, so stay here and don't go anywhere." vicrul stated, and they left you alone, the hatch door closing behind them.

you decided to check out the rest of your quarters, going inside your bedroom. your bed was coated with black satin sheets, a huge grey blanket that was soft and your pillowcases were white silk. the wall that was behind your bed was another window of the galaxy, able to see any ships come and go, and planets rotated at their own pace.

you opened your large drawer to find fresh undergarments, skirts, shorts, sweats, trousers, socks, and jewelry. the jewelry was expensive─ there was diamond necklaces, earrings and rings. you opened another drawer to only find different colored lingeries and thigh highs.

"kylo ren, you are a sick bastard.." you chuckled playfully, shaking your head and closed up the drawers. you went to the closet, turning on the chandelier light and saw it was a walk-in closet. "oh my stars, what in the actual kriff.." you were stunned and shocked. you were being treated like royalty.

you checked out the outfits that hung, seeing dresses with the fabric of silk, polyester and cotton. the dresses varied to the style of long, mid-thigh and short. they felt like rich dresses.

you saw a few shirts hanging with a note on it, and you walked over to them, taking one off the rack. you read the note.

_here are a few of my own long sleeves for you. i know you like them._

_─ k. r._

your cheeks flushed and you mentally slapped yourself, groaning. "don't fall for him! don't do it!" you shouted at yourself, frowning and put the shirt back on the rack.

you strolled into more of the closet, shoes being in their own box frame against the wall. there was more heels than boots. the heels were different styles─ there was stilettos, pumps, mary jane platforms with a strap and thigh high heels, all in the two colors of black and red. the boots were laced black and grey ones.

everything was elegant and beautiful. you felt like a princess. you got out of the closet, your bedroom and went back to the kitchen, opening up the fridge. you wanted to cook yourself a meal.

"looks like i don't have the right vegetables," you kept talking to yourself, needing to make a quick trip to the first order's kitchen. you didn't care of vicrul's order, mostly because he wasn't the boss of you or anything.

you left your quarters, getting into the elevator and waited patiently for it to take you to the mess hall level. your mind still wondered on who ivy mika was and what her story was with kylo ren.

you continued to think about her on your way to the first order's kitchen, cheeks puffed out in thought and knocked softly on the hatch door.

"hello? is anyone in here?" you asked loudly, hearing no movement or response. the chiefs must have left, taking that as an opportunity to raid their fridge.

you opened up a cabinet, feeling suddenly uneasy and got off your tippy toes, looking to the left of you. your eyes were met with a girl.

a girl who had brunette, wavy hair, and her brown eyes were doe, yet sad. she was wearing the same long sleeve as yours and jeans, with boots covering up her feet.

she also had a chief's knife in her hand, pointing it at you.

"so you're the girl who he likes so much," the stranger said and you didn't panic, knowing to keep calm in this situation, moving a few inches closer to her. "don't come near me!"

her yelling caught you off guard and made you flinch, nodding. "a—are you ivy mika?" you asked and she hummed in response, tears in her eyes. "kylo has told me so much about you.."

"he lets you call him by his name? i never got that.. it was always master or sir," ivy told you and you swallowed thickly, staying still in your spot. "what's so special about you? why does he like you?"

"there's nothing special about me, ivy.. i'm a nobody.." you said and a tear rolled down her cheek. you could see she was really broken inside. "just tell me your story, i won't judge or anything."

"i—i knew him.. i was a nurse for him on starkiller base and he came into the medbay because he was badly injured, but i was ordered to treat him. from there, he always flirted with me, or something. he refused to stay at night with me, and when i saw him, i could never refer to him by his name or commander.. it was always master and sir," she gave you details and had the knife still pointing at you, her hands shaking in anger. "i was in love with him.."

"does he know that?"

"i told him and that's where he ended everything. he didn't want me." ivy stated you down, starting to take your steps towards you and your heart sunk, the knife ready to strike at you.

"i'm sure he felt the same way about you, but didn't know how to tell you.."

"don't lie to me!" she shouted and you nodded, your mind screaming for kylo. you concentrated very hard on your mind raging for kylo and hope it would help. "you're not even pretty or enough! why does he want you?"

"i don't know, okay? kylo is complicated, and i'm sure we both know that. soon, i will be gone. don't worry.." you reassured her and she broke down into sobs, both of you standing in the middle of the enormous kitchen.

the sound of heavy footsteps caught the attention of you and ivy, heads spinning to it. kylo appeared, with his knights of ren behind him.

"k—kylo.." ivy muttered and kylo took off his mask, handing it to kuruk. kylo took easy, slow steps towards her, with the knife still at you.

kylo knew how to handle this. ivy turned her body to him, her tight grip around the knife getting loose and kylo signaled two fingers for her to keep looking at him in the eye. she obeyed like a submissive pet and he swooped the knife out of her hand easily, giving it to vicrul.

you watched this all take place and happen.

kylo got close to ivy's and her breath hitched, remembering the man who she was head over heels for. "kneel." kylo whispered the demand and she did, falling to her knees in grace, head slightly hung down.

kylo's fingers ran through her hair, stroking and petting it. ivy was at ease from his touch and kylo sighed, with your heart clenching for some reason.

you could see the bond they use to have. there had to be something more. "go back to your quarters with my knights, little flower. i'll meet you there soon," kylo said and you were frozen in your spot, tears trickling down your cheeks in pain. "for once in your life, do as your told."

you snapped out of it, nodding and sniffled, leaving the kitchen with the knights.

all you felt was heartache.


	12. chapter twelve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your feelings for kylo are complicated and hard to handle. you are slowly starting to lose your mind, because of it all.

you sat on your living room couch, waiting for kylo to make his appearance. the knights of ren stayed outside your hatch door, preventing you from escaping or sneaking off again. it felt like many hours had passed as you continuously waited. it was draining and you couldn't stop crying.

what angered you more is your tears poured for a man who treated you with little to no respect, keeping you hostage forever. your mind wouldn't stop showing you the replay of kylo petting ivy, and the way she easily submitted to him. the way he was able to calm her and take control. it made you scared that the same thing would happen with you the second kylo got sick and tired of you.

in your head, you were beginning to accept the truth of slowly developing feelings for this man who was a monster. you felt sick to your stomach every time you remembered his soft lips against your own and how his nickname for you angelically rolled off his tongue.

you stared into the infinite galaxy, tie fighters coming and going. your knees were brought up to your chest, hugging them as a blanket coated around your body.

your hatch door opened, only to find ushar. "master ren is here. he is wondering if you are comfortable to talk with him." ushar told you and you nodded, giving him a weak smile. the hatch door stayed open for a few seconds, ushar disappearing out of your sight and kylo ren entering it.

the hatch door closed behind him and you two were left alone. you got up slowly, tossing the blanket on the couch and stared at him. "she told me everything," you started off, a few feet apart from each other and you sniffled, a scorned chuckle leaving your throat. "she told me why she left your life, but i'm going to go a limb here and say the same shit will happen with me. so, to prevent that, just kill me."

ren's hands touched the side of his mask, that hissed and swooped off his head, laying it gently on the couch. "ivy won't be a problem anymore. i handled it." kylo stated, yet his body and lips lied.

"how did you exactly handle it, ren? did you fuck her? did you touch her?" you interrogated, eyebrows raised in desperation for answers and your heart was at the edge of dying. "answer me!"

"it is none of your business. you should be relieved you won't be seeing her ever again," ren said and you rolled your eyes, bitter tears escaping them. "she's lost her mind and may have twisted the story around. ivy is not okay nor there in the head."

"at least she's not as sick as you are! she wouldn't lie to me because as from what i can understand, she was trying to help and save me from you!" you yelled, body tensing with a sparking rush. "i wish you could just fucking see how sick you are! and i am so drained to the mental fact that you think you can do whatever as you fucking please to me! i don't even want to be here!"

your yelling boomed throughout the room, voice cracking and simmering down into a hush tone, your tears getting caught into your throat like a fishnet.

kylo was emotionless, nothing felt in him and his hands would flex tightly in his gloves, anger arising over him like a rainfall. he didn't know what to say nor did his mind try to comprehend what you were saying. to himself, he believed he was helping and saving you. he was giving you what anyone in the galaxy would want.

"just.. just get out, kylo.." you muttered and he was about to speak, your eyes bulking in wrath. "i said get the fuck out!" you shouted clearly, your voice getting a tear in it and your throat was in excruciating pain.

ren seized his mask, storming out of your chambers and you stood there, watching him walk out. you wanted to stop crying over him. you wanted to stop the pain he gave you. you wanted him to care and love you.

you wanted so much from him, that you knew he wasn't capable of nor it lived inside of him. kylo ren was ice, that couldn't break or melt, only fumed with anger and evil.

your head spun to the raging thoughts and were on the verge of having a breakdown. you could damage everything out of the pain and sadness you were consumed with, that choked you. you could barely breathe, suffocating more and more in the passing days you were around or even near kylo ren.

it didn't make any sense to you, but it was your fault. you could be with the resistance still if you didn't try to kill him. and the more days that ran by you, the more you felt like you were drowning and losing hope.

you knew by the time your last drop of hope fell down the guttering pipe of despair, you'd fall apart and break, careless to what would happen to you.

you stumbled over into the kitchen you had, hands scurrying through drawers to find anything sharp object. you could guilt trip kylo ren with your death, and you'd be free from everything.

you opened the next drawer, finding a steak knife and held it with both hands, seeing your reflection in the shining blade of it. you pointed the tip to your stomach, staring in uncertainty and hesitation. your hands rumbled with fear and your eyes poured no more tears, your mind fighting on what to do.

you closed your eyes, exhaling shakily and heart thumped against your chest, feeling like it would break free from your body. the tip was only five inches away from your stomach and your stance was indecisive, biting your lower lip harshly.

you pondered on what to do next, and didn't know if death was the way to die. you could attempt many times, yet kylo always be by your side, saving you from it.

he would save you from death.

and from that thought, your mind shriveled down, the knife cluttering onto the floor as it dropped out of your hands. you felt like a maniac for how crazy, hesitate and indecisive you were being.

you moved yourself to the washroom, turning on the sink right away and splashed cold water on your face.

your head arose, directly staring at yourself in the mirror and panted, trying to calm yourself from the overwhelming emotions you were sinking in.

you had to think about everything─ though kylo hurt you and made you feel unworthy, he killed for you. he went out of his ways and top priorities to get you back. he never wanted you to go, in any possible form or way. he had his knights guard you well and rescued you in a pleading moment with ivy mika. there was an equality of good and bad, but overall, kylo ren was there.

kylo ren was present, and staring deeper into yourself, you had realize you had it wrong all along. kylo ren had his own demons and fears. kylo ren was a frightened boy, yet wore a mask to disguise that.

you and him were both wrong about each other.

your feet were bare and freezing them, not bothering to put on any shoe wear or socks. your feet padded on the floor, heading out of your chambers and were greeted with the sight of the knights.

"where do you think you are going?" vicrul asked and you fidgeted with your fingers, picking at your nails. "i need to speak with kylo, please. it's urgent." you answered and they all looked at one another, seeking a response out of each other. vicrul gave you the nod, all of them on staying outside your chambers as you thanked them, running over to the elevator.

the doors opened instantly, pushing yourself in and they closed, your foot impatiently tapping on the ground. the floors were cold and your body shivered from the ice temperature that the finalizer blew.

the elevator stopped, having that same, occurring whirling noise to it's ending of motion and the doors opened, sprinting out of it, going straight to kylo's chambers.

you were sure you probably bumped shoulder to shoulder with officers, stormtroopers or general, slacking in mannerism for it.

your feet glided across the floor as you turned to the left, being more of a slide and kept sprinting to kylo. your breath hitched as you lurched forward to his hatch door.

you knocked on it and you heard his voice yell for granted access to step in, willingly taking that moment to get in. you found ren shirtless, taking a turn to face who had came into his quarters and found you, having a blank face.

"you came," is all kylo ren said to you, voice deep and husky, almost as if it was upset. you nodded, mildly tucking in your hands into the sleeves that covered your arms and you got closer to him, a comfortable space between the both of you.

you exhaled, once more. "i think i understand now."

"understand what, little flower?"

"why you do what you do," you uttered, holding down a longing stare with him. the fear and anxiety you'd normally feel around him washed away, never coming back. it drowned with your overthinking and distress. "and.. and i'm sorry, for not understanding sooner."

ren hummed, a brow raised and he moved one foot forward to you, his pinky pushing your strand of hair out of your face, tilting his head. the silence became the loudest sound, hearts intertwining and breathing simmered with the quietness that surrounded the two of you.

and, to the galaxy and stars, you felt like a complete fucking idiot for wanting him in this moment. but it was unbearable and the pit of your stomach was fluttering with butterflies, not knowing what was the right thing anymore. everything was so complicated and intricate, your mind and heart going to war.

would it be a crime or felony for wanting to kiss kylo ren? you wanted to smash these butterflies, yet they swarm more in your stomach and you could feel them attacking your heart.

 _"you don't know him,"_ you thought to yourself, palms sweating and the sleeves of the sweater hooded over your trembling hands. _"him and i don't know each other, yet we are so alike."_

alike with the feelings and emotion of terror, taste of horror haunting your everyday lives and knowing you'd die with no one to tell your story.

your lips parted. "kylo.."

"hm?"

you impulsively kissed him, on your toes to touch his lips with yours perfectly and your hands touched his cheeks. his cheeks were warm, yours burning up in flutter and the butterflies in your stomach expanded.

when you didn't feel kylo's lips giving you the same reaction, you pulled away and instantly regretted it. you were about to walk away and leave out of embarrassment, only for kylo's arms to loop around your waist, bringing your body back to his and his lips smashed onto yours.

it felt surreal and exciting. your arms loosely roped around his neck, holding onto him and lips synced together in a perfect unison. you were picked up off your feet by kylo's arms lifting you, your legs wrapping around his waist and fingers combed through his hair eagerly. his hands slipped in under your shirt from behind, his soft fingertips brushing down on your back and sent a desire flame through you.

ren laid you on the bed, you and him stripping off every item you had on, being bare naked in quick seconds. he hovered himself over you, his fingers interlocking with yours and hands held tightly together. his lips were intoxicating and addicting, craving more of him. your body begged for him to touch you, moaning into each other's mouth and his hands gripped onto your waist, pinning down your squirming body.

euphoria was shot in you both, impatient to get more than each other's touch. kylo's lips slowly got off of yours, feeling them kiss onto your neck where he left red and purple hickeys, marking down his territory. his lips moved from your neck, down to collarbones and trailed them down your stomach, only for them to stop at your cunt.

ren wasn't doubtful or anything, as you felt his lips and tongue bring pleasure to your needy cunt and you moaned, eyes rolling back from the gratification of it all. your body was reactive, legs squirming, toes curling and fingers grasped onto the bedsheets, your back finalizing in an arch. your breath stopped in your throat as you felt two of fingers gradually pump inside you at a rough, yet medium place, stretching you open.

you could see stars in your vision, head clouded and blocked off from everything, enjoying what you were receiving. " _fuckfuckfuck_ , just like that.." you moaned hotly, your body going loose and free, kylo's mouth feeling like heaven on your cunt.

you brought your hands to his hair, gripping on it gently but tightly, rocking your cunt against his tongue for more. he allowed you to do this, as it made you feel like you had control for once over him and could whatever as you please.

"shit, i'm gonna cum.." you muttered, heart racing and legs squirming again, your guts twisting into a knot. kylo's hands pinned down your legs and your back sharply curved, your eyes seeing the galaxy in the back of your head as you rolled them in delectation. your high was rushed out like a waterfall, screaming kylo's name. "oh my stars!"

as ren's fingers gracefully slipped out, he observed your white liquid on them and smirked. "suck," kylo simply demanded after he placed his two fingers at your bottom lip and your mouth opened, moaning at the taste of yourself. "mhm, that's my good girl."

your tongue and mouth cleaned off his fingers entirely, having them out of your mouth with a _pop_.

your breath was taken away when you were flipped onto your stomach, kylo's hands grasping onto your thighs to pull you back to him. he shoved your face into the mattress, a harsh gasp tearing out of you with the feeling of his cock violently thrusting into you.

ren's hand stuck your face into the mattress, barely enough oxygen absorbing into your your lungs and you whimpered, your body writhing. "your pretty cunt is mine, and you fucking belong to me," ren grunted, your head only solely thinking about how good his cock felt inside of you, "i'll fucking break your cunt, do you hear me? i'll break and damage it, little one."

your head slightly lifted up for air, moans and whines ripping from your throat. you were sure everyone of the first order could hear how loud you were being, yet your mind tended to focus less on that, fogging up with dullness.

"you sound so fucking pathetic, sweetheart. making such lovely noises all for me, hm?" ren asked closeup in your ear, and you could only nod, not knowing how to form a proper answer with your mind being dumb and concentrated on the way he was perfectly fucking you. "fucking speak, whore."

"y—yes.." you breathed out in such a hush tone, eyes rolling back and kylo's fingers gripped onto the back of your neck, squeezing it. "yes, yes! i'm sorry!"

"you're such a worthless fucking bitch. i own your body and cunt. it's all for me to use whenever i want, you got that?" ren's voice got husky, deep and vile, a new persona capturing him, falling into the hands of lust and desire.

you nodded, letting your climax run out on its own over and over again, which you were unaware to, as well. ren dumped his own high into you leisurely, moaning your name softly and pleasurably.

though, he didn't finish, _and he didn't want to._

his thrusts were violent, rough and harsh, yet delightful and desirable to you. you _loved_ and _craved_ it. another a loud moan was prepared to leave out of you, until kylo brought your body close to his and stuffed his fingers into your mouth. "i don't want to fucking hear you." he sneered, feeling his breath touch your ear and sent shivers all over your body.

his other hand ran over where you burn scars and cuts were at, in the fear he'd do something to them. a grin of sinister was smeared of his godly face and you could easily feel his fingers dig into the burn scar you had, applying intense pressure to it.

you tried to scream in pain, but his fingers pushed in farther into your mouth to prevent any noises to come out of you. ren's hand moved away from there, sliding itself to the cuts on your ass.

these cuts were stitched up, due to how deep kylo had made them. with kylo still fucking you and having you quiet with no choice, his fingers ripped open the cuts and you bit onto his fingers in the reaction of pain, a scream wrapped up in your throat.

ren hissed from your biting, taking his hand out and you coughed, tears in your eyes. "keep crying, little flower. i love to hear your sobs." he said and your whole body was in affliction, your cuts stinging.

you were quick to cry, kylo finishing off his last round into you and pulled out of you, letting your body fall onto his bed. you laid there, naked and crying, ass on fire, mind in another battle with your heart.

your eyes shut closed, a soft pair of lips touching your forehead. "you did good for me, darling," he whispered subduedly and your eyes opened, tears blurring your vision. "i'll accompany you to your chambers soon, _i promise._ i have a meeting to attend to, doll."

you sniffled and nodded, droplets of blood forming at your torn cuts and you ignored it, putting back on your clothing. your legs were hurting and you'd probably end up crashing out in your bed by the time you stepped a foot close to it.

kylo easily changed into his wardrobe, farewelling you with a kiss on your cheek and left with his mask in his hand. you wiped away your tears and patted both your cheeks, heading out of ren's quarters a few minutes after he did.

your mind was empty and somber, your feet having to drag themselves into the elevator as you let your final tear fall to the ground. the doors closed and the level took you back to your quarters, needing some rest to forget everything. sleep sounded kind and nice.

your eyes drooped, sighing heavily and the elevator doors opened, taking yourself out of the cold, roomy slot. the knights of ren stayed outside your chambers, as ordered and commanded, greeting you the second their eyes caught a glimpse of you.

"you were gone for a while," ushar teased and kuruk nudged him, shaking his head. "how was it like discussing things with master ren?"

"i rather not discuss it." you muttered, standing there with them and they nodded, shrugging. "have you guys been here the whole time?"

"of course, we've waited for your return," vicrul spoke, and you hummed, nodding. "by the way, next time you don't want us to know you got some excitement, fix your hair."

"you're all dicks." you said, flipping them off. "isn't that what you love, though?" ap'lek asked and you rolled your eyes, chuckling resentfully. you cracked your knuckles, ready to punch and kick them. "tsk, we rallied her up."

the knights weapons were all set down on the grounds, taking off their masks and you forgot how captivating their faces were. "you should go rest now, prisoner. you look exhausted and weary." cardo told you and you pushed past them, opening up your hatch door. your door opened and you stood there frozen, looking over your shoulder at them.

"you all are assholes, but in my act of kindness, you guys should come inside and rest for a bit. i know you all may be exhausted from guarding this room," you offered and they hummed, taking up your offer, as they followed you inside from behind with their things in their hands. "make yourselves at home, and kylo should be stopping by soon, he's in a meeting right now."

"a meeting where he's discussing the same plan." trudgen muttered and you caught onto it, picking up on how he was trying to silent his tone. "what plan?" you asked and sat on the couch, looking at all six of them. they muted themselves, trudgen acting like he didn't say anything. "tell me the plan."

"no." vicrul simply said and you stood, crossing your arms over your chest, getting close in his personal space. "tell me the plan, vicrul." you demanded between your gnashing teeth, glaring into his eyes.

"master ren is on the continue search of the scavenger and the resistance. he is desperate to kill all of the republic, so then everyone will bow to his feet in fear. though, the only way to do, he must kill all light." vicrul answered and you weren't surprised from that, knowing the dark and light have always been at it with each other. yet, it seemed like there was more to say, so you gave him a look. "and master ren shares a strong force bond with the scavenger─ _dyad in the force._ "

"s─so does that mean he loves her or what? does that mean they are meant to be?" your mind was overthinking, confused on why rey _or_ kylo didn't tell you about this thing they shared. you had no idea what a dyad in the force was, but it seemed to be important and rare.

"master ren doesn't have feelings for anyone, or we are aware of. this is important to him and he doesn't need any distraction to fulfill his plan," cardo said and you scoffed, shrugging. "but it's best if we do tell you this bond he has with her is powerful and strong. for the sake of your heart and feelings, this could they were destined to find one another."

"f─feelings? i don't have feelings for kylo. in fact, i hate him! i don't even want to be in this stupid shithole!" you yelled and they sighed, all of them taking a glance at you. "i'm so glad he has someone! like poor me for not being like rey!"

"okay, that's enough. time for you to rest." vicrul was about to drag you to your room until you pushed away, feeling foolish once more. "fuck kylo! i can do whatever i want!" you yelled more, screaming out of anger and misery.

ushar decided to take control over your breakdown, grabbing your arms and forcing you to look him in the eye. "listen to me─ you need to calm the _fuck_ down and stop it. if there are any furthermore questions, you will take them up with master ren. do i make myself clear?" he asked and you nodded, sniffling. ushar let go of you and stood there, staring at them all.

"i know you all feel what i do─ being held prisoner and captive, serving a man who doesn't give a damn about you. thinking he saved your life, when the reality of it is he is just using you for power and control," you uttered, shaking your head in incredulity and sighed. they were silent, and that gave you a sign that you were possibly right. "for tonight, let's stop listening to him. let's do what we want."

you took your first steps to cardo, humming in thought as you stared into his eyes and smashed your lips against his. cardo acted to this kissing, his lips moving in a sync with yours.

you pulled away and stripped off your clothing, your thoughts of kylo ren lessening every passing second. "take your turns." you emphasized confidently, and vicrul was the first to get at you, kissing your collarbones.

they noticed the bruises, cuts and burns that were printed all over your body, yet said nothing about it. but they knew it was from the work of their master.

you were so lost in the bliss of the moment, all of them taking their opportunities to touch you everywhere. you enjoyed their hands all over your body, and they found your body pleasing, gorgeous and stunning.

they all disrobed themselves, ap'lek's hands on your waist as he brought you to the couch with him to sit, immediately on his lap and were adjusted down to his size. you gasped, eyes rolling back and moaned when riding him at a normal pace, opening up your mouth for anyone to take their shot.

it amused how they were quick to dishonor their master just for some girl and pleasure. your lips wrapped around ushar's cock and your saliva coated it, looking up at him as you sucked him off. your eyes were doe, glossy and innocent looking, moaning as you continued to ride ap'lek.

you let all of them have authority over you and your body, giving them the consent they could whatever they'd like. the second you came with ap'lek, you were thrown to vicrul, taking on the same riding position with him as the other knights observed and touch themselves to you.

you were tossed and thrown to each and every one of them, your legs being weak by the time you came for the fourth time because of ushar, heart beating loudly. you panted and sweated, your chin being covered with drool along with your mouth, swallowing down trudgen's climax.

the drool dripped down to your chin and your eyes were teary, a few drops rolling down your cheeks. you were a fucking mess and you didn't care about it─ you were simply not giving a fuck.

you knew this would be a secret you and the knights would keep between each other, never speaking of it ever again. and you knew if you thought of it, kylo would slaughter all of you.

your mouth was mixed with saliva and cum, taking them both down your throat in satisfaction. your hole was leaking with each knight's high, having you completely filled up.

you need to clean yourself up, finishing up your round with kuruk as he laid you on the couch that was covered with juices. you laid there, a smile on your face and giggled, having them take in the mucky sight of you.

you got up when about a few minutes flew by and patted them on the shoulder, taking yourself into your washroom. you yawned, popping your neck and turned on the shower, putting a towel on the sink. you didn't want to look at yourself in the mirror, stepping into the shower once it was mildly hot and let it wash away all sins off of you.

the water stung your open wounds, hissing at it and groaned in frustration, washing your hair next. your mind was a dark void, nothing in it and that was a good sign─ at least kylo didn't rummage through your head anymore.

you doubled check to see if all soap was off of your body and out of your hair, your hand twisting the shower knob off. you got out of it, waddling over time your towel and wrapped it around your dripping body.

you went into your walk-in closet, yanking kylo's long sleeve shirt off the hangar and tossed it onto your bed, taking yourself over to your drawers, opening them up. you put on new underwear and dropped your towel on the ground, putting on the long sleeve lastly, not wanting to wear a bra.

"free the nips, my dude," you muttered to yourself, putting on warm socks and ruffled your hair with the towel to dry it somewhat. your attention was drawn to the distant, multiple voices talking outside your room. you eavesdropped by putting your ear on your hatch door, trying to get a closer listen.

you heard the voices of the knights and kylo. 

kylo had finished his meeting and was questioning why the knights were in your quarters, not outside of them. you obviously saved them, running out of your room and stumbled in front of ren. "hey! how was your meeting?" you asked, a smile on your face and kylo hummed, mask on. he grimaced at your behind his visor, feeling your aura tensing. 

"would you like to tell me why my knights are inside your chambers?" kylo wondered and you awed, having a lie ready to run off your tongue. "they seemed a bit hungry and thirsty, so i let them in. i also offered for them to rest, yet they refused. but, they kept me safe!" you responded, thanking the knights individually. 

"leave us, and you may return to your guarding in a few hours." ren barked at them, and they nodded, leaving you alone in a rush. you bit the inside of your cheek, anxiety bubbling in your stomach and wanted to internally scream. 

he took off his mask, gently placing it on the coffee table next to the couch and brought himself close to you, staring down into your eyes. you panicked for a moment, knees locked and weak, heart sinking. 

you prayed he wouldn't get suspicious of you. 

"i missed you, little flower," kylo broke the terrifying atmosphere and silence, kissing your forehead. your smile weakened to a small one, filled with guilt and regret. "how do you feel?"

"i'm okay. just, um.. exhausted. so, i think i'm going to go rest and we talk more over any gathering course involving a meal." you said and your voice was shaky, fearful and anxious, hands clamping up.

"what's the rush, little flower?" ren asked and you shook your head, laughing nervously. he kissed you, his lips sinking into yours and tasted them. _oh, how you regret everything the second he kissed you._

ren's lips slowly pulled away from yours, his thumb running over your lower lip. he could taste your lips on his own and his tongue. your heart got louder and louder, your stomach tightening up from the pressuring anxiety. 

"your lips.. they taste," kylo trailed his thumb over your lower lip again, a vile smirk on his face and inside of him, anger was building up, "salty, not sweet. your lips always taste like lemon or strawberry. yet now, they're salty."

"i ate those saltine crackers.."

"i never ordered that food for you." kylo backfired and you were beyond fucked. you were fucked _metaphorically, figuratively, physically and literally_. your mouth opened to speak, but no words came out, only small croaks of fear.

ren kissed you, taking in your taste deeper and more efficiently. you didn't stop him because you _couldn't_. his lips drifted away from yours, licking his lips.

he got close to your face, leaning over into your ear and whispered, " _liar._ "

_you were a deadman._


	13. chapter thirteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you and ren are on the edge of your relationship. but as you slowly come face to face with your true feelings for him, something and someone will make you rethink them.

you were a deadman.

kylo ren stared at you, a grin on his face and your heart could be heard in your ears. your breath hitched, the pit of your stomach bubbling with terror and anxiety. he tasted your lies and betrayal on your lips, so easily. you could feel yourself starting to get sick to your stomach.

ren looked sinister, vile and monstrous, his grin simmering down into dullness, a dark expression on his face. his eyes had sunken into yours, creeping and burning through your soul. the fear and unknown ate you with each passing second. you wished you knew what he was thinking about.

"please don't hurt me.." your shaky voice pleaded, hush and frightened, your heart getting louder. kylo started to take slow, methodical steps towards you, as your feet moved you backwards and were afraid of tripping.

"why would i hurt you, hm? why do you think i would hurt you, little flower?" kylo asked, eye twitching and your mouth opened, ready to speak until you were walloped in the jaw with a hard weapon, knocking you down to the ground. he held his lightsaber in his hand, clenching tightly in fury and you could see black dots in your vision, head spinning. "you're a fucking whore."

a copper taste filled your mouth, spitting it out and saw your blood mixed with your saliva. you were trying to stand again, falling back to the ground as his hilt struck you in the jaw once more, your head hitting the ground harshly. tears formed in your eyes with the black dots that resurfaced to your vision, and more blood piled into your mouth.

"you're filthy and disgusting." kylo sneered, clipping his hilt back to his belt and his fingers curled into your hair, dragging you to your bedroom by it. you frowned, blood staining your teeth and you sniffled, your body weakly colliding onto the bed.

a harsh grunt seethed out of you, your head on the thin line of exploding and blacking out. ren was fast to take off the clothing you had on, back handing you in the snap of a second and you moaned, jaw aching.

"if you wanted to be toss around that desperately, should have spoke up. i know many people on this ship who need a filthy cunt to fuck for their own good." ren sneered and you couldn't speak, panting with every bare breath you had, losing consciousness when his hilt attacked your jaw again.

the hit had caused more blood to spew into your mouth, using your weak muscles to sit up and ren took a step back to watch you cry. you spat out blood and a back tooth out, tears stuck in your throat, coughing loudly.

the end of his hilt was pointed under your chin, holding your head to focus on him though your vision could barely make out the expressions and looks on his face. "i cannot wait for the day you die so i can fucking celebrate with the resistance and forget your fucking pathetic face." you spat, blood drying at your lips and you could still taste it in your mouth.

"you have been saying that for quite some time now. i do not see it becoming true, little flower." kylo acknowledged and you breathed heavily, wanting to punch him. by simply looking into his eyes, your stomach swooshed around with more rounded up fear and impatience. "but something in that pretty little head of yours says you don't really that.. you just want me to stop."

"thanks for peeping into my head, creep. that's an invasion of privacy."

"not certainly an invasion when your thoughts are so loud and difficult to ignore, princess," he placed his hand on your cheek, the warmth of your cheek placing upon it and though you had the urge to push his hand away, you didn't. instead, you fell into his eyes and lips curled into a thin line, speechless to him. "make up your mind. you are not clear on what you want."

ren was right─ you had not been clear, but have been conflicted and lost. your mind spun with the warping thoughts that tended to bite at you, and you blamed him for all of it. you blamed him for making you feel this way─ lost, exhausted, drained, and hopelessly falling for him. you knew that's what he admired and dreamed of, yourself being a visible idiot to that.

"speak up, little flower." ren snapped you out of your thoughts and you blinked, trying to hurl reality into you, trying to regain conscious to what was happening around you. the lightsaber stayed under your chin and your last breath shuddered in anticipation, the deepening conflict taking it's last bleeding scratch to your trembling mind.

your mind started to think as it did a few hours ago, and this worsened much more for you. all of everything came colliding together in chaos and catastrophically, breath taking a final hitch when ren leaned his face closer into yours, lips a few inches apart.

"i don't like repeating myself, sweetheart. and if i─" you shut him up by carelessly putting your red stained lips onto his soft ones, trying to forget about everything. "just.. shut.. up.." you panted, as the kiss became tense and he got a nice taste of your blood, not minding it. his lightsaber dropped to the ground, both of his hands on your throat and grasped on it tightly.

you gasped softly in his mouth, endeavoring a neat agenda in your head to murder kylo ren as you balanced that with shielding your thoughts. you had to manipulate the manipulator.

your fingers ran through his hair as you two parted to take a breather of oxygen, lungs being grateful for it and your eyes sided to the lightsaber that laid on the floor, in the preparation to be held and ignited.

as it was a breathless moment, your hand bolted to the lightsaber and when your fingertips got a cold touch of it, ren's arm wrapped around your waist from behind. he pinned you down to the bed, air being taken out of you and your heart sunk, swearing you saw ren's eyes turn malicious.

a dark stare made you regret everything you had ever done, finding sins and anger in these eyes of his. these eyes spoke to yours and the feeling of your heart went numb, quiet and silent. so silent, that the hearing of it in your ears went mute. you didn't dare to speak a word, or blink. you were afraid to breathe.

you had finally gone over his limit and ruined his patience.

"little flower.." he whispered like a delicate soul speaking, while his hands of evil touched the sides of your body, slipping under the long sleeve you wore. "oh, little flower."

his hands groped your breasts and you shivered under his fouling touch that made your whole body got limp. his thumb ran over the sewed initials that was in your skin, and hummed in deliberation, his hands taking off your long sleeve in a slow process.

you laid there, eyes observing every little thing he did in detail and the piece of clothing that covered you entirely was off, exposing your nude body. his hand crawled mediocrely up your body, passing the valley of your breasts and grasping onto your jaw, pushing your head back.

the push felt like your head go dislocate from your neck, screaming at this pain and cried. "tell me you're sorry and i'll stop," ren said and you couldn't shake your head, his hold being too strong. "apologize or i swear, i'll fucking break you, _literally_."

"i.. i don't.. fear you.." you were able to breathe out, trying to fight him back but using your weak muscles to defend yourself was hopeless. ren grinned and chuckled from this plain, despair sight of yours and cooed at your pathetic attempt.

"you may not fear me, but you crave me. you try to deny it before you rest, and you've tried to deny it a few days after your stay here. i'd say i was able to get to you.." ren figured you out like a simple puzzle, becoming hostage to his eyes and your jaw was free from his hand.

he hindered you with his words, reluctant to what to do with you. "you know nothing about me, ren." you seethed and he hummed, crawling over you. he stayed over you, staring down into your indecisive eyes and your pulse was met in between your legs.

"i think i do, princess.. just say it.." ren's face dipped in closer to your ear, his hand separating your legs and landed on your clothed cunt, "say you want me. don't be shameful to it.. you're not betraying anyone." his hand touched your inner thigh, fingertips warm like a spring day and you closed his eyes to take in his simple touch.

you could feel ren smirk on your ear. "do you trust me, little flower?"

"oh gods, no."

"good," and with that being his only word, he got off of you. you laid there, hot and bothered, trying to not give into the desperation you were feeling. "i have to handle my knights."

" _don't fall for it, don't give in,_ " you thought to yourself, laying there on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "we'll finish this soon." ren walked out of your room in a blink and you swallowed in the hot air, your cunt needing him. just a small take in part of him or something─ you were in great despair of all of him.

your pleasure and fall for him had tampered with all your plans, inhaling sharply. you knew ren never cared about you, and needed you for his sexual frustration or plain anger, but he was there and present.

"just make up your mind!" you shouted to yourself, your fingers running through your hair as your mind diverged with your heart. you seemed like a fool laying on your bed with nothing but only your panties on, trying to find a final answer to what you felt towards kylo ren.

kylo ren─ the jedi killer, who was a supreme leader and ruled over the dark side. the man who could kill you with the swipe of his lightsaber, or if you looked at him in the wrong way. it was the way his touch felt like a poisonous paradise, that you wanted more of and he was able to take control of you.

the control, that's what you craved. the nickname he gave to you, which was perfect to you. he was an addicting taste. his dominance, power, control─ _everything_.

"no more plans. no more anything. just see how it goes. stop doing this to yourself.." you murmured, sounding crazy for having a one on one talk with only your presence and you felt a desire between your legs. 

you sighed, taking off your panties that were soaked and tossed them to the side, parting your legs, with your hand traveling down to your cunt. only two fingers went into you, imagining them to be ren's as he whispered vulgar words to you and wanted to make you cum numerous times.

your bottom lip sunk in between your teeth, biting down on it harshly and moaned, your eyes closing. your mind spiraled with fantasizing of kylo ren corrupting you constantly, like he first had when he took your virginity.

careless, ruthless and malignant─ everything that made you fall down the rabbit hole of him. you hummed, fingers pumping deeper and faster, a gentle gasp escaping you.

"next time, you should be more honest and use your words, little one," ren's words caused you to jump up and flinch, throwing your blanket over your body, as he stood by the hatch door. "ah, no need to be shy. especially when you should know i am able to hear your thoughts about me."

"i um.." you didn't know what to say, flustered and embarrassed he caught you in the act of fucking yourself to the drawn fantasizes you made of him in your head. "i can uh.. explain."

"there is nothing to explain, sweetheart. it was fun to watch you touch yourself."

"you've been here the entire time?"

"mhm. i was wondering what you would do and i was right. it's pathetic, really." ren retorted and he walked to you, beginning to strip away his clothing piece by piece. everything of his fabric was off, eyes remaining in his and were aware he was only in his undergarment. "yet such a pretty sight.. but you won't get what you want that easily, sweetheart."

"wha─"

" _beg_."

the lump in your throat grew, as if your airway could be blocked and butterflies made their existence known, swarming in your stomach. the eye contact was a captive, never breaking away.

"please.." you whispered, inaudible and ren hummed, inching closer to you. "please.. i need you.." your voice standardized itself to a hush volume, embarrassed that you were finally under the seduction of kylo ren.

you had never witness such a devilish smirk arise onto ren's face and his arms looped around your thighs, tugging you close to him. your eyes fell into a shut and breathe was taken away instantly from his mouth touching your cunt.

his mouth took you in fully, devouring the taste of you and his tongue adored the heaven it was experiencing. he wanted more of him, smooshing more of mouth into and you whimpered, taken back of his two fingers pumping into you without any given warning.

you were paradise to his tongue, keeping your thighs captive in his arms and your fingers curled through his raven hair, gripping it. "just like that.." you muttered, licking your lips and moaned at the perfect time his fingers continuously pounded at your sweet spot. " _fuckfuckfuck_.."

ren mouth took a moment away from your cunt, spitting on it and you hummed, eyes rolling back. your fingers stayed in his hair, brushing away any little strands that intercepted in his face. his eyes looked up into yours, right away becoming withheld in them and you could feel his lips smirking against your cunt that soaked for him.

the butterflies in your stomach turned over to a warm knot, easily peaking up to your climax. "kylo.. i'm gonna.." you panted, eyes rolling back and back hit a sharp arch, hands curling into the bedsheets of yours as you came. you moaned ren's name like a angelic harmony and he cleaned you with his tongue, getting the last taste of you.

your eyes did not open, keeping themselves closed and before you could catch a simple breath, ren was already in you. with him towering over you, his fingers interlocked with yours and hands held together tightly.

you moaned and whimpered, your hands never wanting to slip away from his hands. his hands were enormous, your hands looking petite in his and could snap them like a twig.

ren thrusted into you at a rough, but medium pace and put his lips onto yours, moans flowing into one another's mouth. his grip got tighter and protective, like if you were about to run off from him. he craved every inch and part of you, head to toe.

kylo ren could read your mind with a clean sweep, finding it amusing how you could barely ever divulge your sickening desire for him, and felt pride in making you fall into a deep end for him. a deep end where you would submit to him in a rapid second and without any kind of hesitation.

his mouth stayed attached to yours, the kissing increasing roughly and hotly, sensuality taking it's course with the two of you. "you'll always be mine, and if someone tries changing that, i won't blink an eye to murder them." ren whispered onto your wet lips, and you hummed, his thrusts pounding into you.

you could feel him in your stomach, sure to the fact your guts were highly being rearranged. hands were free of the ensnared hold, and your fingers ran through his hair, which was soft and easy to crawl your fingers through.

ren's eye twitched, cursing under his breath with hushed moan and groans, face digging into the crook of your neck. "fuck, i'm going to cum. cum with me, darling." ren mumbled in your ear, as you nodded and fingers tightened in his raven locks.

ren went absolutely feral, his hands on his waist and fingernails dig into your hips, leaving crescent marks. you both laid there, sweaty and panting, the room smelling like pure sex.

he laid on top of you, trying to draw a breath of fresh air and your eyes closed, a small smile on your face. you could feel his heartbeat on your skin, holding this large man in your arms and kissed his cheek.

after a few minutes had ran by, ren got off of you and laid on his back. "i have another mission to attend to," he uttered and you turned your head to him, raising a brow. "i must do something that needs to be done urgently."

you blinked, trying to comprehend his words and he got up, sweat covering his chest, forehead and your eyes darted to his back, that had scratch marks that were slowly starting to go away.

you thought you had done that, but not noticed it. you were very into the sex, and shook it off, sitting up with your bed's blanket covering your body.

you put on your panties, needing to put on a fresh thing on clothes. you coated yourself with a tight shirt that expressed your breasts beautifully, and trousers, with ren already finished clothing himself.

he walked through and out your bedroom hatch door, his mask in his hand, as always. "where are you going?" your question stopped him in his tracks, the two of standing in the middle of your living room. "you were just gone.. and now you're leaving again?"

ren turned around and he stared at you, his eyes cold, but calm. "it's important, and only i can handle it. don't worry and you don't need to care. i know how you truly feel about me, darling." ren said and every step he took to your hatch door, your mind shriveled everything you had once thought about him.

if the resistance cared about you, they'd come to you personally. if they cared or even considered you family, they'd fight their way to get you back. but it was silent, on their part.

yet with kylo, he was there. he was not the best, but he was there and present. he went out of his way to get to you, careless to what others thought or said about you. he always heard hux's bickering about you, yet ignored it and knew he could kill the ginger male in a instant.

ren did it all for you. he did not know how to exactly show affection or care, because he was never taught it. you remembered overhearing leia blaming herself for abandoning ren as a child, taking all of the fault.

suddenly, everything came to you. ren didn't want you abandoning him. he was scared, and was attached to you. he may not say it nor confess it,but he needed you. he wanted you, and you were blind to that because all you ever did was consider your own feelings, not his.

"kylo.." a simple hum from him, his back to you. "i give a fuck about you.. everyday. i want to stay with you, and i don't want to leave you. i think i.." you stopped yourself, biting down on your tongue to say anything furthermore. "i guess it's time i told you the truth.."

"you care?"

"of course i do." you uttered and ren hummed, nodding. he did not say anything, taking himself out of your quarters and you stood, watching him leave. you had wondered if what you said was not enough to make him stay or convince you cared about him. you were starting to be sure it was more than just care. you felt alone, again. alone and abandoned.

you hated being abandoned.

you put on your boots that were nearby your couch, needing to confront someone and get answers. the only person who had spent time with ren before you came into the picture.

to your luck, the knights of ren were nowhere to guard your door and were probably getting lectured at their extent. you walked out of your quarters, taking yourself to the elevator and had to find someone who would give you information of where ivy mika was at.

the elevator journey was quick lite one, the doors opening and you were on the main level of the finalizer, your eyes getting the attention of general hux. you stepped out of the elevator, making your way to him and he noticed you right away.

"ah, if it isn't the rebel scum. i can tell by your face you need something." hux said and you nodded, playing with your fingers nervously. you gave him a signal nod that you needed to talk to him somewhere private. for once, hux cooperated and led the two of you to his office, with silence standing among you and him.

you got into his office, the hatch door closing behind you. "do you know where ivy mika is being held at?" you asked and hux chuckled, more like a scoff, nodding. "i need to speak with her, please. if it wasn't such a dire situation, i wouldn't be speaking to you, but please."

"does ren know you are up to this?"

"no."

"i assume you want to have this kept between you and i."

"please.. that'd be perfect."

"very well. she's in sector block cell 7458." hux told you and you thanked him, smiling warmly. "i remember ivy mika. she was almost like you, but took more risks. if ren wasn't so self absorbed, i'd say he would fall in love with her."

you didn't need to hear that, taking your moment to leave him alone and went to where ivy mika location was at, sighing. people of the first order stared at you, whispering or murmuring about you as walked past them.

you kept your head down, never feeling so vulnerable and weak before. if ren was with you, he'd be killing or threatening the people who put a dirty look your way. the walk to the block cells was long, having to take an elevator and avoid eye contact with everyone.

the first person to see at the entrance of the cell blocks was a guard, speaking to another one of his kind. "sorry to interrupt, but i need to speak to ivy mika. general hux has given me orders to discuss some matters with her," you said and the two male guards looked at you as if you were some idiot. "and supreme leader needs answers from her."

"are we able to confirm this with either of them?" the other male guard asked and you nodded, both of them looking at each other for approval. the male guard escorted you to where ivy mika was at, being in front of you and you stayed quiet, seeing other innocent people in cells.

you wondered if you'd be like them if ren wasn't so infatuated with you. you grew to slightly missing him, worried if his next mission was safe or not. you never wanted to hear the news that he had━ _what the fuck are you thinking or even saying_ , your abrupt thought cut off your rambling thinking.

"she's right here. i'll have a stormtrooper take you back whenever you are finished." the guard opened the cell for you, and you got in, standing face to face with ivy.

ivy didn't seem upset. she seemed satisfied and okay. she was calm, a smile on her face as your presence was clear to her. she was sitting, back to the wall and her eyes observed you.

"i thought i scared you off." ivy spoke up and you scoffed, rolling your eyes. you crossed your arms over your chest, keeping a safe distance between you and her. "where is he at?"

"none of your business."

" _oooohh_ , little feisty! that's always so charming to ren. he loves girls like that, because he wants them to fight back so he can prove his control and dominance." ivy told you and you were beginning to examine her. she was in different clothing than what you last saw her in.

her hair was slightly messy, lips seeming swollen as if she was kissing someone too much. she was wearing a baggy shirt and some fresh pants, her neck being painted with blue and red bruises.

"you're wondering something. i can tell by your expressions.." ivy's eyes squinted, taking more of your persona in and chuckled. "i mean it when i say ren will get tired of you. if he doesn't, then you might say something that'll scare him off. ren isn't a person. he's selfish and only thinks for himself."

"you don't know him, ivy."

"and you do? i spent months with him."

"congratulations to that! what do you want? a fucking cookie?" you wondered, raising a brow and she shrugged, slouching back.

"did ren tell you what happened when he got back to you?" ivy asked and you needed to beat the living shit out of this girl, who had dreamed of fantasies of kylo ren. "did he tell you?"

"he said he handled you."

"oh, he sure did." she said, a smirk on her face and you were confused on what she meant by that, tilting your head. "oh he didn't tell you.. that's too bad. i thought since you two were so close, he'd be honest with you, at least."

"tell me what?"

ivy got up, bringing herself close to you but made sure to stay a few inches away from you. "you see the bruises of lust on my neck, and the scratches on his back. put those together and think it through, sweetheart." ivy was getting too cocky and proud, watching you fall apart when you were able to figure it all out.

the scratches on ren's back you saw weren't from you. they were from ivy. the bruises on her neck were from kylo. her hair, messy and knotty.. _from kylo._

your heart had sunk and tears burned the brim of your eyes, everything falling apart. "too bad he left so soon. there's something i wanted to tell him." ivy said, eyebrows raising and sat back down, staring up at you.

you were paralyzed where you stood at, the galaxy caving you into it's infinite walls and you could hardly breathe. you didn't know why you felt so sad and heartbroken.

you thought it was wrong to feel this way. kylo had handled ivy, certainly and in a different way. you wanted to sink into a grave, suffocating yourself and die alone.

you had felt for kylo, in a affectionate and loving way. loving─ it even sounded wrong to you, but that's how your heart felt for him.

"what did you want to tell him?" you curiously asked and her smirk simmered into a grin, as she sat criss cross. "he still kissed me the same way he did before. with such desperation and allure, as his hands explored my needy body and craved for him to hurt me.." ivy remembered back to those certain days, knowing she getting under your skin.

"what did you want to tell him?" you asked once more, a tear falling down your cheek and she didn't answer you, only staring deep into your sad eyes. you could take the opportunity to beat her to death, but didn't want to. you needed your answer from her. "for fuck sakes, ivy! what did you want to tell him?"

she wasn't frightened from your yelling, chuckling and smiling from it. she got up once more, but got super close to you. her face was in yours and you could detail her features from how close she was, her eyes looking down at your hand.

her cold, brittle hand grabbed yours and she inspected it, her thumb running over the back of your hand.

"what i wanted to tell him was.." she started off, bringing your hand to her stomach and placed it underneath her shirt, a smile on her face, "that he was going to be a dad."

"a─a dad?"

"i was pregnant with his child."


	14. chapter fourteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you come to terms and the truth of your feelings for ren. but few things will prevent you from spilling them, and you slowly start to see the truth of who kylo ren is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't have time to revise this chapter, so i apologize for any grammar errors/mistakes!

_was_.

 _was_ pregnant with his child.

you had known that was past tense, but it still affected you. you had asked ivy what happened to the child, yet she refused to answer you.

you left her cell, crying and in shame. shameful that you felt for ren and he had done this. that all he did was lie, never once was honest. he hid secrets from you. you didn't know what to properly think.

it had been almost a week since your talk with ivy and ren being absent, alone in your quarters. you cried and cried, as the knights of ren stayed outside of your chambers for guard.

they had asked what happened, but you couldn't tell them. you didn't want to, and your heart was breaking. you sobbed into your pillow for the fifth time of the day, not showering or moving an inch of a muscle. your mind was in a disaster, not knowing what to do anymore. you were ready to rot and die. you were ready for something or someone to kill you.

you hadn't know what kylo was doing and certainly didn't want to, yet worried if he was okay or not. you tried to hate him, but you couldn't.

ren was cruel, violent and maniacal. he was all the common words to callous and cold. your eyes burned and were more red than a coat of blood, heart pounding intensely.

there was a knock on your hatch door, a groan coming from you. "go away! i'm busy!" you yelled, throwing your extra pillow to the door and another knocked was heard. "go away or i will jab a knife into you."

"it's ushar."

"come in.." you hesitantly said, sounding more confused and unsure, turning your back away from the door that opened in a swift. "what do you want?" you asked, sniffling and curled up more into a ball, huffing.

"we haven't seen or heard you. i wanted to make sure you weren't dead." ushar replied and you scoffed, a hard lump in your throat. "how do you feel?"

"like shit. i want someone to kill me so i can forget everything forever." you told him, digging your face into your pillow and ushar sat on the edge of your bed, rubbing your back. his mask was off and weapon was left with the other knights, soothingly stroking his hand up and down your back. "you'll be honest with me, right?"

"if that will make you feel better, then yes."

"did ren really feel for her or anything? what's so special about ivy mika? i don't get any of it.." you muttered and ushar smiled small, humming. his hands touched the sides of your body, sitting you up to face him and he noticed how your hair stuck to your cheeks because of your tears, almost glued down.

"ivy was something, i will say that. but she was too quick to put her guard down for master ren and wouldn't fight for herself. master ren didn't like that. he likes a challenge and will want to win," ushar wiped your tears with the back of his hand, frowning to your sad face, "and yes, we all saw what was happening between them."

"but he left her because she felt for him.. and now i think.."

"now you think you feel the same way she did for him?" ushar finished, raising a brow and you sniffled, nodding. "if you do feel something, then that's okay. who am i to judge? you can only take up your feelings with him and find out his _true_ intentions."

"ivy told me she was pregnant with his child." you said straight off the bat, and surprisingly, ushar wasn't shocked or anything. he knew this. "wait, did you─"

"master ren knew about her child. he forced her to get rid of it. their relationship did not end because she felt for him. it ended because of the child." ushar was quick to answer you and you could fall down a spiraling hole, feeling like an idiot. "master ren worries about you."

you scoffed in disbelief. "no he doesn't. i'm only here for his pleasure."

ushar chuckled, sitting right down next to you and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, your head resting on his. "you think he doesn't because you've only seen what he's shown you. vicrul is the closest to him.. go to him if you want to know anything else." ushar patted your back and got up, leaving your room.

you sat there on your bed, collapsing down onto your bed and stared at the ceiling, barely blinking. then you had an idea, that ren would highly kill you and his knights for.

you got up, searching your drawers for fresh clothing, and hands picked out whatever you thought was best. you tossed the clothes onto the bed, stripping out of your old ones and rushed to the washroom, turning on the shower.

you needed to bathe, at least.

your shower was a quick and easy one. you simply washed your hair and body, staring at a small object that had blades in it. "well, that's oddly new. didn't know i had this nor did it even exist.." you muttered to yourself, using it on any place that needed to be cleaned up perfectly.

with the water falling over you with a rush of coldness, your mind could only bring itself to kylo ren. your heart that was heavy, grew everyday for him. your mind was a frantic and unhinged, breaking down again. you sobbed, but not out of sadness this time─ you sobbed because you knew kylo ren would not feel the same way you did for him.

you seem idiotic for feeling like this for him. you didn't know what it was that had taken over you and were sure there was not such a word for it. there were good and bad times between the two of you, winding back to all of it. 

you sighed and finished washing yourself up, turning off the shower. water droplets came down from the ceiling, as you wrapped a towel around your body and hair, sitting on the sink counter.

all your mind rewinded back to was ivy's cocky smirk. you let her get the best of you and she fended off of that, finding it amusing how her words could affect you so badly. and you didn't know _why_ it did affect you _this_ badly.

"you're so stupid. why are you such an idiot?" you asked, sounding crazy for having a conversation with yourself and hopped off the counter, going into your room to change. you dropped both towels onto the floor, putting on your new undergarments and clothes, groaning in frustration. "you're an idiot for falling in love with kylo ren."

you wouldn't say you were infatuated by him, because you knew the fine line difference between infatuation and love. you were falling in love innately and you tried to find out what exactly attracted you, yet couldn't figure it out.

you were only wearing pants that were loose in the legs and tight on your waist, and a oversized pullover hoodie, grabbing a pair of boots out of the closet, matching an all black interior style.

you finished typing up your laces, your hair damp and air drying, getting out of your room. "guys!" you yelled, taking steps closer to leave your quarters and you could hear cluttering of weapons, the knights murmuring to one another. the hatch door opened and they were in slight awe of your presence, as you joined them outside of your chambers. "i have a plan."

ushar sighed. "oh no. this isn't good."

"you haven't even heard it! where is ren right now, as we speak?" you asked and they all began to put on their masks, bloodthirsty weapons in their hands. "i believe he is looking for the scavenger again. he was here a day ago," trudgen spilled out, ap'lek smacking his arm and the other male grunted, both of them staring at each other. "but why do you need to go to him?"

"i need to tell him something. i need him to know before he does something he regrets." you said and they froze there, confused to what you had meant. "don't worry about what it is. but will you help me?"

they all looked at each other, a few shrugs and nods coming from them as if there way of talking was body movement. "anything for you." vicrul said and you smiled, nodding. the seven of you headed into the elevator, their bodies shielding you and felt squashed in from how big they were. "so what is it you need to tell ren?"

"something." you muttered, swallowing thickly and the tension fell down between you all, unsteady and unbalanced, the elevator doors opening to hangar bay level. a sync of feet pounded on the finalizer floors, officers and stormtroopers looking at you all.

your palms sweated, heart beating in anticipation and about to take a right turn, general hux stepped in front of you. a fucking smug smirk stood proudly on his face. "and where are all of you going?" he questioned, and you pushed your way to the front of them, crossing your arms over your chest.

"move out of the way, hux." you were out of patient and time, losing every second the longer you stood still. hux didn't budge, hands clasped behind his back and the smirk didn't vanish. "move or i'll fucking break your neck, you ignorant lowlife piece of shit."

"that's no way to-"

you punched him, his whole being collapsing to the ground and you walked over him with the knights of ren following behind you. "try getting to me, asshole!" you yelled, throwing up a middle finger in the air for him to see, hearing a few other generals gasp. "i won't hesitate to do the same to the rest of you!"

"i think that's enough. they've gotten an idea." vicrul said and you shrugged, taking the guidance to the hangar bay, stormtroopers clattered everywhere. "master ren is in pasaana, if i last recall from the officer who informed him of the scavenger's whereabouts."

the knights of ren aircraft was a little different than ren's command shuttle. it was larger and bigger, with the ramp lifting down. "and hopefully i can show rey that ren isn't that much of a bad person." you mumbled inaudibly, raising your brows and everyone got inside the knights' night buzzard.

you sat in the co-pilot seat next to vicrul, as the other knights tended to sit on the floor or stand. "vicrul, can i ask you something?" you wondered and he hummed in response, reviving the engine. "does ren talk about me to you?"

if vicrul had his mask off, you'd see his visible smile and his eyes that spoke the truth. "he does. at first, you were just a prisoner and bait. he had the intentions of only hurting you and then murdering you. of course, something in him changed." vicrul hands gripped the transport's stick shift, pressing a few buttons and concentrated on moving out of the hangar bay.

"what exactly changed in him?"

"you are dumb, but not _that_ dumb. you came into the picture and if i am being quite candid, you are someone that master ren needs. he may not say it, but he does worry for you. you are all he talks and thinks about. sometimes, it's sickening to hear and makes me want to puke out my organs." vicrul articulated and you sat there, blankly staring at him.

you slowly pulled your eyes away, focusing up forward and outside the window, blinking in thought. you slouched in the chair, peeking over your shoulder to look at ushar whom gave you a thumbs up.

you closed your eyes, drifting to the common memory of kylo ren. you could always feel his touch on your skin and hear his voice, fingers crawling on you tip by tip, in a methodical way. his lips against yours was intoxicating, stinging your tongue with the venom of his.

you told yourself you wouldn't fall to him. you told yourself to stay strong and fight back. you didn't want to do that anymore. you didn't want to keep putting your life at stake just because you were listening to your mind.

your mind brought you into the drowning mess and there was no way to get out of it. your mind created the portrayal of who kylo ren was based off of what others said. you looked at the outside of him, yet not the inside.

you only listened to your mind because you were afraid of listening to what your fragile heart had to say. your heart that you kept safe and protected with your life, afraid of it getting damaged.

but each day that passed, your heart began to mute what your mind had to say and you could only listen to what spoke the loudest.

ren wanted to kill you, but he didn't. and you didn't know why.

you hadn't noticed how deep you were into your thoughts until vicrul had tapped your arm to awaken you. your lids parted open and you had adjust to the bright source of light that was called the sun, irritated by how it's rays shined.

you heard distant music and cheering, eyebrows drawing together. "what is that awful noise?" you asked, groaning in frustration and got up from your seat. the knights chuckled under their masks, everyone getting out of the transport.

"that noise is the festival of the ancestors." ushar answered and you hummed, adjusting your eyes to the sun. the weather was humid, dry and hot, being sure you'd sweat at anytime.

you and the knights of ren stayed close together as you continued to walk a simple paced course, the music in the distant still loud and happy as ever. "where is ren at?" you asked and no one said anything, still walking altogether in a unison.

about to speak another word, vicrul held up a hand to signal everyone to stop walking and you could hear a dim, mellow engine rumbling from the left of you, stepping up on a rock hill with the knights. "it's master ren." trudgen said and every head turned to where the noise was coming from.

your eyes pulled away from the noise, focusing forward and you were able to make out a person standing on the dessert ground, something in their hand.

you squinted, trying to figure out who was standing there and it took you a few seconds to see it was rey, her lightsaber in her hand. "rey!" you yelled and your head snapped to the noise that got closer by each second, seeing another transport that had the resemblance to a tie fighter.

you caught rey's attention, as she was in shock to see you. "rey, watch out!" you yelled louder and vicrul backed you away from the sight, screaming to get him off of you. you could see slightly rey jumping over this somewhat tie fighter and her lightsaber slicing its wing.

"kylo!" your scream tore from your throat, cracking and ripping apart profoundly, seeing his transport roll and break apart. you broke down into sobs, collapsing into vicrul's arms and could feel your heart pounding heavily. "he can't be dead! kylo!"

the knights could see how distraught you were and you sobbed more, falling to the ground. "kylo.." you whispered and vicrul hugged you, your face burying into his shoulder. his hand grasped the back of your head to hold you close to him, your tears staining his clothing.

"look.." vicrul muttered in your ear, slowly pulling you back from his chest and you turned your head to what he was nodding his chin to, eyes widening with tears in them when you saw ren alive and well.

he had his mask in his hand and you smiled small, getting a closer look. you took your chance to run over to him, nearly tripping on rocks and air, tears running down your cheeks. ren's attention was caught onto you, taken aback by your presence and could only glare at his knights.

rey was stunned when you jumped yourself into ren's arms, clinging onto him tightly. "what is she.." rey mumbled to own self, not understanding why you, someone who is resistance blood, was holding onto the enemy and monster like your life depended on it.

"little flower, what are you doing here?" ren asked and you sniffled, taking yourself away from him. you sniffled and his brows drew together in concern, wiping your tears. "you need to go back to the finalizer. you aren't suppose to be here."

"i came for you.. i-i visited ivy and--"

"wait, you saw ivy?" ren repeated and cut you off entirely, anger molding onto his face. you nodded in shame, the hot breeze passing by and rey could only watch. "we need to go."

"can i talk to rey before we leave?" you wondered, hands shaking and ren sighed, nodding. you thanked him in a cracked voice, taking yourself to the scavenger as ren kept a close eye on you. the knights guarded your movements, weapons strong in their hold.

"what are you doing here? what was that?" rey asked the moment you were in front of her, turning off her lightsaber and clipped it to her belt. "do you have any idea the type of person ren is?"

"i do."

"then why are you touching him? if you are only doing that just to get his trust and your freedom, i understand, but i can get you away from him." rey said, touching your hand and you yanked it back, shaking your head.

"he.. he cares. he takes care of me. he is just broken and conflicted. but you certainly have no room to talk. you hid away the fact you and him are a dyad, as you knew he was getting closer to me." you stated and rey sighed, thinking to herself to form the correct words to say next.

"i do not feel a thing for him. having this dyad is a curse for me. i rather suffer than be a mind connected to his. but this is not about ren and i. you need to get away from him and i can help you with that." rey offered, her face softening in fraught and you shook your head again.

"i care about him, rey. and i think i might even.." you trailed off, that one word being stuck on your tongue and burned your throat with it's strongest poison. that word meant everything and you were sure to it.

"no. no, no, no, that cannot be possible! just weeks ago, you were with us. and now you are against us? we care. he doesn't!" rey shouted and you scoffed, bitterly chuckling. "the resistance cares? i waited weeks, and showed up the latest! the resistance didn't try." you snapped back and rey became startled, confused on where this was all coming from.

"and ren did? he tried?"

"damn well he did."

"he is using you! you are just his prisoner, wake up to that!"

"no i'm not!" you shouted back and rey hummed, no emotion standing on her face. "the resistance didn't care from the start. leia just saw some poor girl on coreilla, and trained her to become something she never wanted to be." you walked away, head hung down and escorted yourself to the night buzzard.

the ramp was lifted down and you stepped onto it, feet padding on the floors softly. you dumped yourself down into the seat, taking a fresh breather and bit your lower lip, trying to comprehend your altercation with rey.

you had felt stupid for defending ren when you were unclear of his feelings for you. you were blinded by everything and believed your developing something in your head, for the reasoning of becoming attached to ren.

your ears perked up to the sounds of individuals footsteps coming into the transport, knowing who was who. you didn't want to talk, sleep or think. your thinking would overwhelm you greatly, and that's the last thing you needed. you sighed, running your fingers through your finally dried hair, wishing you could rip out your locks if that could prevent your thoughts from resurfacing.

ren took control of taking the transport back to the finalizer, sitting next to you. you were drained and insouciant.

all you knew the conversation back at the ship would be long.

┉

out of the night buzzard, you were bundled up in the knights, ren directing them to their settlement, his hands flexing tightly in his leather gloves. everything was a little bit of fine until hux made himself known to the group of you all.

he had a bruise on his cheek and you smirked, taking pride to that. "i suggest you keep your prisoner on a leash or chain, supreme leader." hux suggested and ren got close to him, tilting his head. "someone had to teach you a lesson. now move, general." ren shoved past the ginger male, as you licked your middle finger that proudly flipped him off.

hux was in disgust of you.

"knights, settle into your quarters. we will discuss in a few hours." ren barked off his men and they obeyed, going the other direction in the halls of the finalizer. you and ren ambled side by side, the mouths of the first order people suddenly quiet since you were with him.

_two faced assholes._

ren led you into his own chambers, putting his mask on his bed and the hatch door closed behind you. you stood close to the door, afraid inch yourself towards him.

"as i can see, i haven't made the rules clear to you or anything." ren started off and your mouth opened to speak up, but he lifted his hand prevent you from doing so. "you do not get to do as you please if i am not present. today should be an example of that. you had no given reason or purpose to come to pasaana, as you interfered with my plan."

"i didn't interfere with anything. i waited days for you, and i grew exhausted to only hearing my own thoughts, being deprived without you. and after my encounter with ivy, i needed to see you." you avowed, heart thumping at a fast, pounding rate and ren's face was blank.

blank like a cloudy day, where the sun didn't appear and no given light was shown. ren took a moment to apprehend what words you were saying, using his own mind to look into yours.

"you came for me. why did you do that?" ren asked and you became abruptly rigid, silent to his question. the only noise you made was a hard exhale, needing a minute to gather everything in your head to its rightful state.

if you told him the truth, everything could go in different directions and cause changes. changes are scary and frightened, because you never know how to adapt to them. you wanted to him, yet were in fear of him never feeling the way you did.

you had grown to kylo ren. you had grown to the factual feeling of caring for him. you worried about him when he wasn't around, thinking he'd never come back to you. every time you saw him, the expansion of butterflies came swarming into your stomach.

you weren't afraid of him anymore. you were attached to him. you knew you were and had a feeling of it, as well. you had grown attached to him every form that there is. you had more than just care and adoration for ren in your heart.

there were so many ups and downs that would happen if you told him. the one thing you didn't want to happen was losing him. you couldn't lose him. you never wanted that.

you suppressed every conflicted thought and voice in your head, stepping out of your paralyzed stance, getting closer to ren's body.

he stared down into your eyes and you could see the whole galaxy in them. the galaxy laid beneath his glossy eyes that had seen everything. his lips were parted, having an itch to kiss yours. his body relaxed when you got close to him.

ren didn't understand this affect you had on him. he couldn't delineate any of it.

there stood you and him in the middle of his chambers, looking into each other's eyes with a longing, tension stare. the stare was frozen, dead in it's rightful place.

you had to say it. it was now or never.

"because i─" an alarm cut off your sentence right away, blasting throughout all of the finalizer and you cursed at the bad timing you always had. ren grabbed his mask and your hand, pulling you out of his chambers with him and found hux talking to other generals.

ren never allowed your hand to slip away from his, shouting at the ginger for what was happening as he put on his mask. "your past prisoner, ivy mika, escaped. she killed the officers, and stolen a troopers' blaster." hux explainer throughly and you panicked, eyes widening.

if ivy was walking through the halls of the finalizer with a weapon, her main target was you and ren knew that. he had to kill ivy mika to stop everything. she was ruining everything.

"go to your chambers, and my knights will come with me. stay in your quarters and lock your hatch." ren demanded and you shook your head, tears flowing into your eyes. "it'll be okay. you won't lose me."

ren saying those last four words made it all seem like he was aware of your true feelings for him, causing your heart to sink into the pit of your stomach.

"let me go with you, please.." you begged, eyes entreating to his and he sighed, nodding. you stayed close behind him, the knights of ren joining in within minutes and you started to think of where ivy could possibly be.

stormtroopers were congregated, spreading everywhere in the finalizer to find the delinquent. "wait, kylo," you stopped him from walking and his eyes stared into yours from behind the visor, a low frequent hum coming from the mask. "if i am the potential target, then she could be in my chambers."

"how would she know where your chambers are at, exactly?" vicrul butted in and you sighed, nudging your shoulder as a gesture to hux. "you think he would do something like that?"

"him or any general. all i get is dirty looks from the suckers that walk these halls and they whisper to one another. i wouldn't be surprised if someone slipped information of where i stayed so i could become dead." you acknowledged the memories of each person on the finalizer that didn't quite tolerate you, when you only occupied to yourself.

"take general hux to the interrogation room. keep eyes on him." ren behest, and the knights did so, snatching the feeble ginger and he screamed, trying to kick his way out of their hold.

"keep fighting and we'll break your fingers, general." ushar threatened, the knights and hux sliding past you. you and ren careened to your quarters, rushing to them and you had to apologize here and there for bumping into people.

you got into the elevator with ren, silent falling down between the two of you and stayed by his side, only heartbeats being heard. "what did you want to tell me?" ren's question took you off guard, but you shivered to it and debated if it was the right time to tell him.

"nothing. it doesn't matter." you shook it off, hoping he'd do the same and he hummed, nodding. the elevator doors opened and ren was the first to take the led out, both of you being precaution. footsteps were low, quiet and walked at a normal pace, the hatch door opening immediately.

you and ren picked up on a female's humming, almost as if it was a lullaby she was singing. the hum was dull, mellow and calm. you saw the back of ivy mika's head, whom was sitting on your couch and drinking a glass of wine.

her hand, that held the cup, had blood all over it. the blood stained her hands, getting under her fingernails and ren slowly approached her, a smile on her face when she saw him.

"hello, master," she mocked the title, standing up and as she saw you, her smile faded away. "you brought her.. not surprised. i thought she'd be here." she sipped more of the wine, settling the glass down onto the small table.

you remained a safe distance from ivy and ren, your eyes darting between them. "ivy, what do you want?" you asked and made yourself a visible target to her, going in front of kylo. "do you want me dead? is that what you want?"

"certainly. you think you know him and everything. you think you can fucking _change_ him!" ivy raised her voice and your breathing shuddered, everything feeling uncanny. "you are scum. rebel scum. he doesn't care about you!"

"ivy, those days with him are over. i know you want ren back.. and your child." you said and ren's ears caught the attention of you saying _child,_ his heart anxious. he didn't want you to know about that, ever.

ivy had tears spill down her cheeks, pulling something from behind her back and recognized the sharp knife in her hand. "i want you both dead. but i'll leave and stop.. if ren tells me he loves me.." she pleaded, crumbling down into sobs and her hand shook with the knife.

"ivy, that is not what i feel, for anyone nor you. i will send you off to somewhere else because you are a disturbance and from what i can tell, you will never stop." ren said and she sniffled, shaking her head in disagreement. ivy mika didn't want to leave.

she wanted kylo ren.

"you killed my child, who wasn't even born yet! you killed them!" ivy shouted, her voice cracking and her tears blurred her vision. you felt empathy for this girl, who had to get rid of her pregnancy because ren wasn't ready and had other priorities. "but then again.. it always comes back.."

"what comes back, ivy?" you questioned and her grin showed, sniffling more. the hand that held the knife, rested on her stomach and made circular motions, staring into ren's eyes, not yours.

"you want to tell her about that week before you got her or should i?" ivy asked ren and you didn't have an understanding of what was even happening anymore, completely puzzled by everything. "i'll take that as my opportunity. before you came here to permanently stay, ren and i had a bump in. let's just say, he doesn't know how to be safe or aware of where he _disposes_ himself."

"you're pregnant?" ren was stunned, taking off his mask in a swoop and put it on the couch, his voice having more emotion than his face. "that's.."

"it's not impossible when you fuck and dump inside a hole, ren. i wasn't on any shot. i lied to you," ivy was methodical, smart and wanted her revenge. the pregnancy was her revenge. "you've been here for about a few months now.. so i'd say i am four months in."

your eyes looked to the knife was in her hand. you knew you had a chance to kill her and end everything. ren wasn't worried about ivy mika. he was worried about you.

you were more near her than ren was and you took a few inches closer, with everything becoming a quick motion as your hand reached for the knife. ivy reacted, having the knife slit your hand and you screamed in pain, cursing under your breath.

as kylo was ready to join in, ivy pulled your body to hers and held the knife to your throat, pressuring it sharply. "i'll take her life right now if you don't say it." ivy threatened in pure venom as it sounded more of a hiss, teeth gnashing together.

the knife was leaving a red mark on your throat, feeling blood being drawn at the line where the weapon was being held at. you didn't want ren to say anything he didn't mean, just for the benefit of your life.

if you died, he'd be able to go on with his plans with no distractions or interference. you didn't cry at the imagination of your death. it was weird to think how kylo ren, supreme leader of the first order, would experience your death.

you always thought he'd be the one to kill you, yet instead, it was a desperate girl.

"don't do it, ren. it's gonna be okay." you reassured him and the man you thought who never showed sympathy, fear or care, had a face that diminish into fright for you. he didn't want to hear those words of yours. he refused to believe those would be your last words.

ren knew what ivy wanted to hear, but that he didn't feel that in his broken soul. he would never say it or even think it because he didn't want anyone knowing how he felt about you.

you had gotten into ren's head at first, but now his heart. you were in his heart, that was cold and a void, yet thought to never beat properly ever again.

you changed everything inside his heart and mind. you were all he thought about, day and night. on missions, he wondered if you were resting properly and taking care of yourself.

you are all that consumed him. and he didn't want to lose you.

you didn't need to be a force sensitive being to know what kylo ren was thinking or feeling. you could see it all on his face. you didn't need to hear words of his to know it all.

it was just his face that spoke everything.

and you couldn't give up.

your hand swiftly grabbed ivy's wrist, twisting it backwards and saw a bone pop out of place, the knife dropping to the ground. ivy cussed loudly, and you got the knife before she did, stabbing her right where her child was being held.

you and her both looked at her stomach, blood spewing. with her stomach bleeding, she pushed you back and screamed in agony as she pulled the knife out of her, using the last of her energy to fight you back.

before ren could help you, ivy mika stabbed you in the middle of your chest and then at the near-end of your stomach. "if i don't deserve him, neither do you," ivy mika last spoke, falling to the ground and you fell with her, your eyes slowly rolling back.

"flower!" ren panicked and freaked out, bringing you down onto his lap. you were able to make out a slight clear vision of him, a small smile on your face and he put a hand over your stomach.

you could see tears in his eyes. tears, that were scared and perturbed, a single tear of his falling onto your body. you could feel yourself bleeding, coating your palm with your blood and looked at it, humming.

your body was frail and debilitated, beginning to lose conscious. you put your hand on kylo's cheek, your thumb stroking his cheek. "it's gonna be okay, ren. i just.." you could barely say any proper words, breathing heavily and all your exhales sounded like croaks. "i've always believed in you. i know.. somewhere inside you.. ben solo lives."

"little flower, don't close your eyes." ren said and you tried to smile, but all the muscles in your body had gave out. "please don't close your eyes. not you too.."

"i.. i.." you couldn't say it, your own tongue restricting you from doing so, as the three words and eight letters rested on it. your throat was able to give a quiet, mumbly chuckle, your hand falling down onto your body as your entire being went silent.

and the last thing for ren to hear was his own eerily, loud scream of pain.


	15. chapter fifteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> conflict is the greatest enemy for you and ren to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare urself for conflict! warning— slight physical violence/abuse inflicted,, do not read furthermore if you can't handle that. ily all n enjoy <3

kylo ren held you in his arms, all the way to the medbay as you kept bleeding out. your blood poured out of it's stabbed spots, leaving blood stains onto the floors of the finalizer.

by the time ren had gave your body to the nurses and doctors, it was dull, cold and lifeless. he stood there in the medbay, as he watched every medic try to save you and felt sorrow in his heart. sorrow that raveled around his heart made of callous ice.

ren has never cared of losing people, but for you, it was different.

his hands still had the touch of your cold self, his eyes burning when he blinked from how he cried in the darkness of his quarters. he could feel himself falling apart, as you got under his skin easily and could feel himself being pulled to the light.

the light, the only true thing he feared.

yet, here he was— sitting in front of his grandfather's helmet that was put back together as one, begging for forgiveness of what felt growing inside him. ren took off his own mask easily, placing it to the side of him. he was ashamed, being a dishonorable grandson for having you, a resistance delinquent, get to him— get into his _mind_.

"forgive me, grandfather.. she has made me feel it, once again," ren voice jagged, trickling with fear and hesitation. "i tried, and fought. i could not kill her, grandfather. the simple idea of her devours my head, and i fear she will be a distraction to what i need to finish."

the only way he could avoid feeling sympathy for you was inflicting pain, allowing him to continue being consumed by the dark side. but your tears and how your face fell when you saw him, made him always think twice.

he was a fiend for you, as you intoxicated him. you were so delicate and pure in his eyes. he had seen evil, cruel and devilish acts throughout his whole life, yet you were always innocent. you were his little flower— gentle, soft and flourished lovingly. a little flower needs to be taken care of and made sure no one came stepping on you.

ren stared at vader's helmet, silence filling his room and grew cold to the void that surrounded him. he didn't know where he stood anymore. you made him feel off balance and lose control completely. you suffocated him and consumed his everyday thoughts.

his first intentions were to get intel out of you and then murder you to the core. then something in him shifted. a shift of a tide, where the galaxy flipped around and everything was different.

when you ran away, he'd asked himself what he was doing wrong. he didn't know how to properly care for another being nor show them any sign of affection.

"is it wrong to feel this way, grandfather?" ren asked the ancient blob, desperation and confusion locking into his tone. "is it wrong for wanting rebel scum to stick around in my life?"

his mind took him back to the snoke's throne room, remembering your face and voice in the aftermath of it all. how you perfectly spoke _his_ name and he didn't mind to it at all. the way your tears trickled down your warm cheeks and saw disappointment in them. he knew you were disappointed in yourself than in him. you thought you'd could turn him, bring him to the light and show him the universe.

the truth is— there was no bringing ben solo back. he had murdered him until his last breath and only knew himself as kylo ren.

ren remembered your eyes going to his hand that reached for yours, hoping you'd take it in a swift and stay by his side forever. he did want you, and knew there was only one way to keep you around.

"why do i feel this way? my heart values her presence and i feel this sort of wave of hope crash down onto me." ren confessed, eyebrows drawn together from his own puzzlement and he sighed, shaking his head.

though conflict and his thoughts strangled him until all he could hear was the final heartbeat of his, he knew what he felt and he _hated_ it. he hated it so fucking much because it ate him _alive_ and nothing could stop his feelings.

"i beg you to guide me honorably and proudly, grandfather." ren talked more to the mask and breath shuddered with every exhale, lower lip quivering. he laid guidance in the hands of his deceased grandfather who was only a ghost in the force and probably didn't listen to him.

ren got up, holding onto his mask and walked out of his chambers, needing to see you. you had been resting in the message for the past few days, nurses and doctors checking on you every hour since ren ordered them to do so.

he didn't want to lose you.

"supreme leader," hux's voice stopped ren in his tracks, turning around to face the male whom had his sly, smug smirk on his face, as per usual. "we are beginning to gather more intel on the resistance, and a meeting will begin—"

"i will not be able to attend, general," ren paused him, only a few feet apart from each other. "you may start the meeting without me. i have someone to visit."

"the rebel scum?"

"silence or you'll go back to the interrogation room." ren threatened and went back on the path to visiting you in the medbay, his blood boiling from hux's poor choice of words.

he had gotten into the elevator, the doors closing immediately and he stared at a single white lighting wall, his fingers digging into the metaling of his mask.

his mind forbidden him to stop thinking of the occurrence between you and ivy. how he handled it so poorly and it was his fault you could have nearly died. he was a paralyzed soul, the only movements being his eyes that witnessed everything.

the recalling of it built up rage and anger in him. he stared at the mask, blinking a few times and his eyes observed every speck of it. the mask that proclaimed of who he was.

he didn't even know who he was anymore.

all he did know was he was foolish and weak. weak and becoming vulnerable, like he was in throne room. his eyes took in more of the mask and shot back to the wall he was looking at before.

ren breathed heavily, exhales being shaky and hit his mask to wall, head hovering down. his hand burned and he swallowed thickly, panting. he began to pound and hammer his mask into the wall, screaming in pain.

sparks bursted like supernovas and shot out, his mask demolishing piece by piece. the anger spread throughout his being, a familiar stinging in his eyes and pulled back, staring down at the ground. his mask was piled together beneath him, looking like dirt and his body trembled.

the doors opened after he only had a few seconds to process what he did, getting out of the transport and pushed passed anyone who was in his way. ren was more than just angry and could nearly lash out on anyone or anything, the only comfort being you.

the hatch doors of the medbay opened, approaching the first doctor he saw. "pleasure to see you, supreme leader. i suppose you're here to see her?" the doctor wondered and ren nodded, entirely impatient. the doctor hummed, gesturing her head for him to follow her to your room.

your room was secluded and private, only allowing medics and ren to have access inside of it, with stormtroopers standing outside of it for guarding. "her vitals are stable, but she is still resting. she woke up still slightly confused earlier and we are supplying her with every medicine we have." the doctor explained as she walked by the side of ren, a small smile on her face and adjusted the glasses on her face.

"how long until she can be released?"

"no idea yet, supreme leader. her wounds are barely healing and even the strongest drugs she takes can hardly numb the pain she is physically in. if the knife stabbed closer to her heart, she'd be dead. but a miracle happened, thankfully." she added on and she pushed the keypad's buttons to unlock your hatch doors, a green light appearing.

the doctor stepped in first, ren being behind her and he could see you snuggled up in your blankets, being in a long black nightgown, many machines connected to you.

his heart _broke_. shattered. damaged all at once.

this sight brought him in distraught and the doctor signaled for ren to stay in the spot he was in for a few seconds so she could talk to you. "there is someone here to see you— it's the supreme leader." she whispered to you and you were in a deep slumber, softly snoring. "it appears the drug we gave her an hour ago is finally working."

"i need to stay with her." ren said and the doctor nodded, typing into her datapad. "if anything goes wrong, instantly alert me. i don't know when she will wake but she will be okay." she last spoke before leaving ren alone in the room with you.

you were knocked out, your back to ren's presence and he sat on the edge of your bed, his index finger trailing along your cheek. "how could you possibly make me feel this way?" ren whispered quietly, his hand softly rubbing your arm in comfort and simply stared at you. "i think of you always, little flower."

your body awakened from the touch of kylo ren, your hand slowly reaching to touch his and when it did, he wasn't taken back. your feeble hand laid on top of his, a smile on your face.

"you came," your voice sounded more of a croak, broken and rasp, carefully turning around onto your other side or face him. "i thought you'd be held hostage in all your meetings."

"hux is taking care of them, but that is not for you to worry about, little flower." ren reassured and for the first time in a while, you felt safe. you were in a safe haven by ren being close to you and you nodded, chewing onto your lower lip.

your smile had dimmed away and you felt sadness take over you. you were upset, with your own mind going back and forth to the throne room incident and what happened in your quarters.

over it all, you couldn't stop thinking of ren's words as you sobbed while deciding if taking his hand was worth it all. if being by his side would change everything for you and cause betrayal to the resistance.

_'you have no place in this story. you come from nothing, you're nothing.'_

you really were nothing and that's how you always felt. you were an abandoned child from coruscant, who had to fight everyday to stay alive and find a way to keep pushing through— and that's what you tried to continue doing now as you were ren's prisoner.

you didn't know if you were a prisoner anymore. you didn't know the meaning behind yourself when it came to being around ren, because it's what he said in throne room.

_'but not to me.'_

not to him. not in his eyes. not in his head. you were something and your mind spiraled, feeling like a destructive storm was forming in your head.

you forgot you were staring into ren's eyes as you were in the deep end of your thoughts, turning back around and faced away from him. "i'll see you tomorrow." you muttered, bringing your blanket further up to block most of your face.

ren's brows came together, confused and stared at you still, his hand peeling away from your arm. "what's wrong?" ren asked, concerned and genuinely worried, and you could think of so many things that were wrong.

everything you felt inside of you was wrong. in the beginning of it all, you were frightened and in horror of kylo ren. you constantly fought back and told yourself every second you wouldn't let him get into your head. you needed fight the devil himself, kylo ren.

but fighting became tiring and the days that passed as you were a captor, you fell into this state where you started to believe that he was a good person and the resistance were the true enemy.

it was all vice versa.

kylo ren protected you more than the resistance ever did. it had only been months since you became his prisoner and you weren't afraid anymore— you actually felt _safe_ with him.

your harsh feelings for him had turned into soft, kind ones and you were beginning to fall for him. he could have sacrificed you to snoke or killed you himself at any given moment he had, yet he didn't, because he cared.

ren sighed, kissing the side of your head and stood up from the edge of the bed, a tear rolling out of your eye already. you couldn't say it before and you wanted to suddenly, but knew it would cause a collision to happen.

he took a small, last glimpse at you and his face grew numb again. he was numb throughout his entire soul and didn't mind leaving you alone— he knew you needed a small breather from him.

"i think i've fallen in love with you," you blurted before ren could step out of the hatch door, his whole body frozen to what you said. "that's what i wanted to tell you days ago. i think i have, yet i'm not so sure. i just know i need you around all the time."

that word was powerful than the force itself. love— it had so many meanings to it that no one could define exactly what it was. love could make you feel happy or sad, angry or upset. love was a chaotic mess that spun your head and heart around until you got all dizzy and high on it.

ren sighed. "you can't love me."

"but i do, and i'm sorry." you mumbled, sniffling and clutched onto your blanket, needing to hid under it, but felt as ease for confessing. "i don't know why i do, and if you are just willing to kill me for it, i don't mind."

he careened to you, carefully laying you on your back and tugged the blanket off of you, as you let him do everything. his fingers curled at the ending hem of your nightgown, rolling it up to your upper chest.

there, he saw your bandages. he had to see the damage he had to you, and not simply just the stab wounds. he shivered from the sewed initials into your skin and bruises that covered your body with scars that tagged along.

your bruises were fresh or fading, no in between. your scars were caused by him and ren had began to notice who he was. this person he was hurt and broke you, having no understanding of how you could love him.

there was physical evidence marked across your body of the monster and sadistic man he was. goosebumps touched his skin and he stared blankly of it all, his mind depriving.

"kylo.." you whispered, sitting up and whimpered in movement, a slight frown standing on your face. ren wanted to sink into a puddle, shame and guilt compressing on him. "kylo, i'm okay."

"how could you feel that way when i've done all this?" he wondered and you looked back into his eyes, seeing the visible broken heart of his in them. "it was never in my intentions for—"

"you see, that's the thing— i don't know what your true intentions are when it comes to me. i don't know if i am nothing or something to you. i don't know if you care or act like you do to get me under your control. i don't know anything because you don't open up."

"i don't open up because i'll break you with the truth."

"then the truth is worth being broken for."

ren drowned in your eyes as you told him that and realized he could say what was the truth, but didn't want any consequences or deeper conflict to come with it.

and the truth was, you were the light he didn't want to feel or be pulled into. you were the light that shined brighter than the sun ever did and were all of the hope he thought he had lost. that's why he said what he needed to in the throne room— you were nothing and barely a person when it came to the resistance or any stranger, but to him, he saw something right in you.

you were more than something to him, and he hated how that was the truth for it all. pushing away from you being the galaxy to him, he grew sickeningly obsessed with you. he needed to taste and have you. he needed to keep you to himself and didn't want you to scurry off. the obsession overcame him, plunging his head with dark thoughts and vile desires.

ren didn't know how he became this certain way— obsessive, possessive and manipulative. he knew there was no fixing of the damage he had already inflicted and put you through, but he would do _anything_ to keep you as his.

"come lay with me." you said softly, smiling weakly and pulled down your nightgown, making room for him on your bed. ren hummed, taking off his boots that he left on the floor and curled up next to you, as you took him into frail arms, he laid his head on your shoulder and arms looped around your stomach loosely.

your body was warm and kind, feeling like he was back in his mother's arms. you ran your fingers through his hair, the two of you closing your eyes and this was the very first time the two of you weren't yelling, bickering or threatening one another.

everything was at ease, ren's body relaxing and mind state was serene, never wanting to let you go. "i adore you, little flower. you are just what i want." ren told you and all you did was hum, kissing the top of his head. you and him began to fall into a deep slumber, ren's arms never unwrapping from your body.

ren's mindset was clear and calm at first, with it suddenly falling down into a deep void of black and silence, feeling as if he was stuck in this nightmare of his. the noise his ears picked up on was white noise and mellow humming, a malicious voice rounding itself into his head.

the voice was easy to detect— palpatine.

every since he found the sith wayfinder and went onto exegol, palpatine had been stuck in his head. ren had been on a longing search of rey to kill her as she was palpatine's granddaughter.

he didn't know agreeing to emperor's plan would come with endless nightmares and voices that clawed at his head, making it bleed. the void became a scenery of thundering rumbles and lightning, a dark atmosphere that projected terror.

"my boy, i have come to help you," the voice of palpatine echoed, the vibration of his tone spiraling in ren's mind. "that girl.. great danger will happen if you turn soft and grow weak, like your father."

ren guided his own self to the presence of palpatine, quick to getting lost and wondered what great danger would happen.

"the danger i seek and sense is beyond imaginary. turning to the light will cause her death and her blood would be on your hands. but, if you want an eternity with her, you will continue the hunt of the scavenger and kill her, arising the final order. this is the only way." palpatine elucidated, a wicked smile on his old face and ren could sense his danger from a mile away.

ren couldn't talk in his own nightmare, tongue tied down and throat barricaded, a similarity of strangulation to his words that he wanted to speak.

"kill the scavenger, arise the final order and the girl whom loves you will be by your side forever. trust me, my boy." palpatine said and ren needed to say much more, yet felt possession take over his whole being, not in control of anything.

ren was collapsed back into the void that could reflect a black hole, his whole self dying in it and his eyes snapped opened, finding himself trying to catch a proper breather. he peeked up and saw you peacefully asleep, murmuring in your talks.

he sat up slowly, not wanting to wake you and sat at the edge of your bed again, looking down at the floor. his hands held onto the mattress, squeezing it in thought and couldn't get palpatine's voice out of his head. ren put back on his shoes and needed to prepare a meeting to get the scavenger alas.

your eyes fluttered open, your body aching as it has been for the past few days and knew the medicine was beginning to wear off. your arms were light again, your eyes shooting to kylo and you grunted when trying to sit up, getting his attention.

"hey hey, rest. i have to go do something." ren cooed and you shook your head, not wanting him to go away. "i will come back to visit and the quicker you get better, the quicker you'll be with me again."

"i'm fine. i can walk and move." you told him, your shaky hand reaching for the iv tube that was stabbed into your arm to give you fluids as you were lacking hydration.

"stay."

"no, ren. i'm _fine_."

you weren't in the right physical mood to get into an argument with him, rolling your eyes and scooted to the end of the bed, your feet touching the cold tiles of the finalizer.

"lay back down or i will have you tied down." ren threatened and you shook your head, finding a pair of slippers on the counter. "i said lay down."

"no! i'm fine!" you shouted, stumbling to the counter and your legs gave out, falling down on your side. ren ran to your side, gently standing you up with his hands on your waist and you whimpered, thanking him quietly. "i just don't want to be away from you again."

ren had began to see your attachment to him and he didn't have a certain reaction no feeling to it. he was just as confused as you were. "stay put. the doctor is still unsure of when you will be released." ren uttered, eyebrows furrowing and grew impatient, sighing heavily. 

he sat you on the bed and you only gazed at him, your eyes doe with a simmer of innocence in them. "please don't go." you pleaded, your voice cracking and the brim of your waterline had tears. "please."

"i have to. now _rest_."

"no, don't!" your yell tore from your throat as ren caveened to the hatch door and you attempted once more to get up, panting on your way to him. "ren, please—" you were suddenly cut off by a sharp smack to your jaw, echoing throughout the medbay room and you gasped. the smack had caused you to drop onto the ground and your mouth raged in pain, putting your hand at the spot where you had been hit.

it had taken you a few seconds to realize ren was the one who had hit you, his eyes fixated on you and didn't apologize for the occurrence, simply walking out of your room. you watched him leave, just like everyone else has in your left.

you were left alone, again. 

your vision blurred, black spots in them and it was hard to breathe, your frail legs picking themselves up with whatever energy they had left in them. you limped to your bed, your right hand gripping onto the mattress of it as you reached it and had to throw your body onto the bed. 

it took you minutes to get in bed, checking to see if you had ripped your stitches and had affected any internally bleeding. you threw your blanket over yourself, warming your cold body and closed your eyes, crying yourself to sleep. 

┉

your head pounded from your previous crying, feeling your body rumble with slight shaking. you grumbled, throwing your blanket over your head and frowned. "go away. i don't want to see you.." you mumbled, sniffling and needed more rest.

"tick tock, we only have a little of time." you heard the voice of finn, regretting shooting up from your laying position when your body ached again. "hey, hurry we up. i know you have questions, but you need to save them for later."

"i can't walk or run. i'm injured and i don't think ren would like the idea of me running away, again." you said, knowing you were on very thin ice and were to afraid to leave ren. "why are you here?"

"save your questions for later, and don't care for what ren thinks— rey will handle him." finn told you, slipping off his jacket and put it around you, your face softening when he spoke of rey. "r—rey? she's here?"

"yes. now, let's go." finn scooped you up into his arms, your arms looping around his neck for support and your ears detected a distant growl. an alarm rang and your heart rate fastened immediately, your eyes widening. "don't worry. chewy has the enemies handled. we just need to get you back to the falcon."

"f—finn you don't understand. i need to stay here with kylo, and he will hurt the resistance. let me go." you begged, finn scurrying to the falcon with you in his arms and chewbacca followed behind, hearing his blaster go off. "let me go!"

"you are under the control of kylo ren, and that is not good. we will take care of him." finn assured and you shook your head, your eyes frantically searching for kylo anywhere. there was no sign or sight of him, your body trembling in finn's arms. 

"let me go, finn!" you shouted and your eyes were able to make out the details of the hangar bay, your head hurting from your sensitivity of lighting. you started to feel nausea and lightheaded, the shouting of finn becoming echoey and blocked out. 

everything was a blur of motion, the alarm ringing louder than an yell, your stomach turning with every running step finn took and you couldn't stop thinking of how ren would murder all of the resistance just to have you. 

you were sick to your stomach, your heart racing to the point where you could hear it drumming your ears and pound against your chest, the conditioning of the finalizer making everything worse for you. 

"did you get her?" rey's voice sounded like a tunnel and finn's responses to her were mumbly in your ears, your eyes slowly blinking. "hey, we will get you back to base." she said, looking at you and you didn't want to be with them— you wanted to be with kylo.

"she won't stop asking for ren, and won't quit shouting for him either." finn told rey and she sighed, thinking about something for a few seconds. "he will be here any second, what do you got?"

rey whispered in his ear and he stared at her in question, but nodded. she looked down at you, her hand hovering over your head and you winced, your tears falling back to your eyes. you shook your head, hoping she wasn't doing this and your sobbed came back to you, tears trickling down your cheeks.

"you will forget your moments with ren. you will forget him and remember who you are— a resistance fighter and our most skilled person." rey said and you repeated her exact words, in a low, soft voice, her eyes signaling finn to rush you into the falcon. "she's okay now. get her in there before ren does."

your mind was clear, blinking rapidly and your tears stained your warm cheeks, your body laying on the falcon's comforter. finn pulled a blanket over you, his eyes probing you and sighed. "he won't get you anymore." he muttered, walking to the piloting area of the falcon and had no clue what he was talking about.

your whole memory was vague and erased. 


	16. chapter sixteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as you are far from kylo, the force bridges yours and his minds together. you begin to figure out where you stand, while kylo drowns in his conflict and learns something about you.

ren stood there, in front of generals and his fists tightened every second that he thought of you. you were gone. it had been a week since you had disappeared and nobody could sight you with the resistance _anywhere_.

"any updates or reports?" ren asked the generals, whose breaths stiffened from the sound of his dark and vile voice. "anyone!" ren yelled, slamming his fist on the long conference table made of metal and left a dimple in it, everyone flinching in their seats.

"n—no sir.. no sight. we have had everyone search every part and place of every planet." general pryde spoke up and hux was the only one who wasn't afraid of ren nor his lash outs that were common to his eyes.

"we will find her, ren. but she isn't the bigger picture right now— the scavenger and taking down the resistance are. we can find your captive once we have everything in our power." hux said and ren hands turned into tight fists, knowing everything else wasn't important to him.

"i want the searches to continue. no one stops or rests until she is back here. do i make myself clear?" ren asked and all generals nodded, their hearts in their throats. "good. now you are all excused."

everyone scurried out of the conference room, heads hung down and hux was the one to stay behind. "ren," he spoke, leisurely walking over to the supreme leader whom stared out the window and eyes deepened into the infinite galaxy. "what does this prisoner mean to you?"

"i have no idea what you are talking about general, and certainly—"

"ren, you and i may not always see eye to eye on everything, but with this prisoner, there is something different. you feel something for her." hux pointed out and stood next to ren, both of them now taking in the entire galaxy with their bare eyes. "you have compassion for her, and i know you don't have any soft spots, but you do for her. caring for her would be an understatement."

"may i be alone, general? we can discuss this later." ren said and hux nodded, leaving the man alone. ren heard the hatch door swiftly open, with the general taking his willingly leave and was left alone.

ren hated being alone, and felt cold without you by him. he couldn't sleep, thoughts running around in his mind and it got exhausting. with him looking everywhere for you, it seemed like you had completely vanished. he needed to find you and was desperate to, feeling himself spiral down into a pit of pain.

pain that was like no other, yet alike to a great tragedy. he hadn't felt this pain in a while and with everything he tried to do to ignore it, it simply wouldn't go away. ren's eyes that glowed with venom, had become bloodshot and vicious, not allowing anyone to see through him.

but if he was being honest, he was heartbroken. and he hadn't known why he was.

he didn't know if it was because you ran away again or he lost you for good— he hoped the second thought wasn't the right answer.

ren continued to stare out the window, his thoughts on a rampage in his head and scoffed bitterly to it, a tear going down his cheek. his lower lip quivered with his chin, shaking his head and didn't want to cry again.

he needed to stop crying, but he couldn't. all of everything that was inside of him was damaged and he could barely feel himself holding on for everything. ren had began to believe he was the hope in life that he had always been searching for and someone who could try to understand him.

with those nights where you slept and he scavenged your mind, he saw you were just as lost and broken as he was. you had too many things in common and from that, he believed you were the person for him.

and now he lost you.

"supreme leader! we have reports the girl was spotted on corellia a few hours ago, lastly!" a general bursted into the room and ren spun around, seeing a report in the general's hand as they both took close steps to each other. "she was seen with the scavenger, and the girl seemed fine."

"did she look healthy and well?" ren asked and the general nodded, a hummed response given. "send a single division, and strictly by themselves. keep closer eyes and reports, general." he commanded and the general bowed his head, leaving ren alone.

ren body had become tense and fury drowned him entirely, suffocated by his emotions and thoughts. he couldn't handle this. he couldn't handle being without you. he couldn't bare the knowing fact you may never return back to him.

he couldn't.

throughout his veins, rage and loneliness became its blood and coursed through him like a flowing river than never stopped, going on and on until the gravity pushing it had stopped it. ren couldn't stop what he was feeling, and there was too much emotions in him that he could barely comprehend.

each emotion built on top of each other and the last one to pile on top of it all was abandonment. that emotion heavily balanced on the skyscraper of emotions that he felt when he got you, yet abandonment was always his enemy and fear, where the light wrapped around it.

his parents didn't love him, and snoke had made him known to the fact no one would _ever_ feel for kylo ren.

ren grabbed his lightsaber, activating it and lashed out on the conference table, everything sizzling and damaged. he breathed harshly and profoundly, eyes burning and water ran down his cheeks. his eerie, agony scream was heard throughout the entire finalizer, his throat shaky and ripping apart from it.

the scream could break glass and vibrated with the rhythm of his cackling lightsaber of fury red.

on the other side of the universe, light years away, you woke up from feeling pain in your heart. a pain that shot in you unexpectedly, sitting up and panted, clasping your hand over your chest.

you could feel anger and hurt in you, something that wasn't coming from you. your heart tightened, the pain becoming sufferable and were puzzled. "are you okay?" rey muttered, her voice groggy and sleep deprived, her arm around your stomach.

"yeah, yeah. i think it was just mild chest pain from my wound." you responded, smiling small and she hummed, as you laid back down. rey hold was protective around you, your back pressed against her bare chest and she fell back asleep, her soft snores rolling into your ears.

you wondered why their was sudden pain in your chest when you had been taking medicine and getting more treatment for your wounds. you shook it off and rested with rey, a small contented smile on your face.

rey had been taking care of you and explained how kylo kept you as a prisoner, being completely under his power. you tried to remember your time with him, but everything in your mind came up blank.

ready to pass out, another pain struck to your chest and you flinched, alarming rey instantly. "do you need more medicine?" she asked and you shook your head, sitting up slightly. "i think i'm gonna go get some fresh air. i'll be back in a little bit." you told her, sitting on the edge of the bed as you put on your pants and grabbed your cardigan off of her nightstand, as your boots went on your feet last.

you slipped the cardigan on, yawning and your feet shuffled against the grounds of the millennium falcon and the ramp was already open, your feet strolling down it.

the resistance had decided to take a nightly rest on ajan kloss, and you had been stuck on the falcon with rey everyday since she got you. you appreciated her kindness and how gentle she was with you.

you sat on the small crate that was near a tree, looking up at the night sky and saw millions of endless stars. the moon shined directly on your face and it made you smile wide, feeling a fresh breeze.

you hung your head low and hummed softly to yourself, your healing wounds making you stiffen in your seat. everything was peaceful, as you were the only person awake. it was peaceful, until a low frequent, dull hum caught your ear.

the hum transitioned into a airy gasp and you looked up, your eyes widening. you could feel your eyeballs popping out of their sockets and your heart stopped, sinking away to the pit of your stomach.

kylo ren.

"little flowe—"

"get away from me!" you yelled, standing up and ren noticed your frantic, putting his hand up to gesture for you to take a calm breather, squatting down to your level. he was in his own chambers, pulling his desk chair to him and sat down on it. "what.. what are you doing here? how are you with me?"

"i'm not. i'm in the finalizer, and i have been looking for you, little flower." ren's voice had sounded broken and awful, his under eyes dark circles and skin got slightly paler. you blinked slowly and blankly, your body not in fear of him, only your mind was.

"if rey sees you, she'll get upset." you warned him, your brows drawing together in concern and your lower lip tugged in a small pout. ren's emotions downed into ponder, and his eyes fell from your face, to your neck.

your neck had clear, visible bruises on them of love. they were red, printed on your neck to your collarbones and could see smears of a light red tint lipstick on them, your skin being territory of rey.

"i won't hurt you, and i promise that. if you want me to go, you need to tell me if you remember anything." ren said and you stumbled back a few steps, shaking your head. your body shivered from the cold breeze and ren was quick to notice it, taking off his cloak for you. "here.. you need this more than i do."

you didn't move or say anything as he put his cloak around you, making sure you were warm enough and you eyed him, your eyes prolonging with his. it was like he was with you, but he wasn't and that kept you confused furthermore.

ren took himself back, a safe distance between you and him. "rey explained to me how i was your captive and under your permanent control, or somewhere in between those lines. she came to save me." you answered and fiddled with the cloak around you, the fabric of it warming your body.

"stay still, i need to see something," ren brought himself closer to you, his hand slowly lifting up and you flinched, a frown on your face. "i won't hurt you, i promise." he reassured and you nodded hesitatingly, but cooperated.

his hand hovered over your skull, breaking through your mind and everything that was in it. every memory that didn't involve him were able to play in your mind, but the ones with him were completely gone.

all your memories with him had been wiped out— and he knew exactly who did it.

"do you remember how you got your wounds on your chest and stomach?" ren asked and your mind trailed itself to what rey said about how you received them.

"rey said you did it to me, out of anger and hatred." you said and ren contemplated on murdering rey nobody, his whole head spinning with rage. "and i've tried to remember what really happened when i was with you, but it's bland and gone."

"it seems that our minds have been bridged by the force."

"the force? you mean the wizardry force sensitive person thingy?" you wondered and he hummed in response, bringing his hand back to over your skull. "what are you doing?"

"showing you what was cleared of your mind." ren said and your skull pierced, unbearable pain, as your eyes implored into ren's for the affliction grew harder. a heavy exhale left you, your eyelids closing and every image in your head was a flashing white.

the flash white flickered and it went to one memory to another. it was as if a passing storm was happening in your head, trying to take in the lightning, thunder and rain, of how chaotic it was.

chaotic it was, and how you were dangerously in love with kylo ren. he was able to feel your emotions for him and hear every single thing that your mind had to say, your own being attached to him.

the moonlight reflected on you and ren, kissing your faces the way lovers do, the sun far from making it's awakening.

you found yourself suddenly in the middle of the war. the war of the resistance and the first order. you were the inviolate soul that didn't know of what was right and you could only sit on the crate, lost in the eyes of kylo ren.

"why would rey clear my memories of you?" you asked, your eyes peeking back to the falcon that rested in the cool night and turned your focus back onto him.

"she's in love with you. she has been since the day she came to the resistance and started speaking with you." ren said and your eyes bulked, shaking your head incredulity. you lost all sense of understanding and reality when he said that, your mind pivoting skeptically and swallowed thickly. "and that's why she effaced all your memories with me, spewing vile things to you."

"that's not—"

"then why else would she come, hm? her mission of coming to the finalizer barely focused on getting back that _animal_ and the weapons she needed." ren told you and you felt disgusting for letting her have you, her mouth tasting all of you. you wanted to puke and curl up into a ball. "but i can help you— tell me where you are."

"i can't do that."

"yes you can, little flower."

"no no, i can't. there has been too many lives lost because of me and i can't handle anymore." you reminded him and ren's hands tightened in his leather gloves, the fabric surprisingly staying together.

"let me help you, and when you come back here, i will protect you." ren said and you bit your lower lip in thought, shaking your head. "we don't have much time, princess. i sense danger if you stay with them, and i would not be saying this if it wasn't true."

"kylo, please—"

"where are you?"

"i.." your breathing was unsteady, heart thumping to your chest and when you turned your head to look at the falcon once more, the force bond you shared with ren had gone away.

you stood up from the crate, your eyes falling to the dim horizon of the sunrise and you were frozen in your spot for a few second. you needed a moment to process what ren had told you and the way rey cleared your memories with him.

nothing seemed right and you didn't know who to trust anymore.

your eyes blinked to the resistance transport and people were starting to wake up, ready to get a move on. you stormed to the falcon, your feet pounding on the soil and then the ramp, easy to grab rey's attention.

"you are a liar!" you yelled, rey shooting up from her sleeping position, barely understanding anything you were saying. she stared at you, putting back on her clothes and didn't say anything. "you lied."

"you don't know what ren is capable of and the things he did to you were horrific. you were caught in some moonstruck wonder with him and it wasn't okay." rey backtracked and you stood there, eyes moving with everything she did.

"you're just as bad as him."

"what are you—"

"you fucking wiped away my memory! you thought if you did that fucking pathetic shit, i would just fall for you? are you fucking dumb!" you shouted, venom in your scorching throat and shook your head, chuckling bitterly. "does leia know you were gonna do that? did she help you do everything?"

silence. dead silence.

the smile on your face was resenting as you made your way out of the falcon, straight into the resistance transport where many others were. "woah, are you okay?" finn asked the second he saw you, his brows furrowing together in concern and you stopped in your tracks, staring at him aggrieved.

"just fucking peachy." you muttered, continuing your march to the general and you shouted leia's name at the top of your lungs, getting everyone's attention. their breaths hitched, in fear for their lives and didn't stop you. nobody didn't bother to question you and tell you to lower your voice, as you were glad they didn't or you'd slit their throats.

you got the main command center and the hatch door opened when it felt your nearby presence. "let's not cause a scene!" another general spoke and you pushed passed her, flipping her off.

"no no, let's!" you didn't stare at her or anything, every general and lieutenant looking at you, with leia standing in the middle of the room. "you had your scavenger use her fucking gift to wipe my memory? and for fucking what?"

"i suggest you—"

"don't tell me to calm down! leia, all i have done is been loyal to the resistance and given my all! i defended you in front of ren and risked my life so many times!" you yelled, cracks and rips in your throat, tears tiptoeing to the brims of your waterline. "and all i get is this? is this all i fucking get— being treated like i'm useless and don't know what the fucking i am doing?"

you felt a harsh smack to your cheek, a pale finger pointing into your face and close to the bridge of your nose. "you are on _our_ side. do i make myself clear?" leia asked and your hand laid over the stinging mark, staring deep into her eyes. "do i make myself _clear_?"

"no wonder why kylo doesn't love you." you spat and you could hear gasps come from everywhere in the room, everyone's eyes widening in shock, including leia's. "no wonder why he is the way he is. it's all because of _you_ and _han_."

"take her to the cell." leia demanded at a general, whom came rushing to you but you elbowed the male in the face, running off. tears ran down your warm cheeks, your heart beating at the same speed lightning could strike and everything was hazy in your head, the structure around you building close to you.

you ran and ran, close to the outside of the transport until strong, muscular arms got you. "finn, put me down!" you yelled, kicking and screaming, trying to fight him off. "finn, fucking put me down, you piece of shit!"

you sobbed and broke down, feeling hopeless. you sobbed and sobbed, giving out on the fight, with finn dragging you to the cell that leia had assigned just for you.

you were hurting so much, ren could feel your pain. he could feel your heart shattering, as you began to give up on everything in the universe. your mind screamed for someone to care and love you, his body shivering just to the feelings and thoughts of yours.

you laid in the cell, on the dirty ground and broke down more, your screams waving throughout the cell, only your ears capturing the sounds of them.

you curled up into a ball on the side of the cell, bringing your knees up to your chest and held yourself. you could hold yourself, as you had been doing for years and years, with no parents in your life.

you felt like you were no one, and you closed your eyes, picturing yourself feeling free and happy from all the damned hell you felt everyday.

and no one loved you. no one gave a damn about you. no one was willing to stick around and protect you with their whole being. everyone wanted to use you for something and took advantage of you.

you had no place in the story of it all. you didn't know who your parents were. you didn't know who you were. you didn't know where you stood in the middle of the mayhem.

you didn't know— you were conflicted.

the cell was cold, distant murmuring and footsteps that made you anger. you were trapped in a claustrophobic space, alone again and your body trembled, your hands shaking.

"little flower," the voice of kylo ren caused you to look up immediately, finding him standing in the white room of his quarters. "are you okay?"

"i don't know, and i'm genuinely surprised you care." you muttered, leaning your head back on the metal wall and sniffled, your eyes red. "and i don't know why you are back."

"i felt you. i felt your emotions and could hear your screams." ren said and you hummed, raising your eyebrows in response, looking away from him once. "i offered you my hand once, you wanted to take it. why didn't you?"

you chuckled in a scoff mannerism, taking in a heavy inhale, letting it go slowly and softly, your eyes meeting his. "you could've killed me. why didn't you?" you stared at him, the eye contact extending and you never blinked, standing up slowly.

your legs were weak and your body was freezing, barely realizing you were still wearing ren's cloak. ren got close to you with every step you took towards him and your movement stopped, the two of you only a few feet apart.

your arms were hidden under the cloak, however your right arm came out and leaned to him. you needed to know if he was really with you and you weren't just going crazy. you needed to know his familiar touch if you were going to die because of the resistance.

ren took off his glove and both hands came to a slow collision to each other, your eyes locked, never separating. you shivered when his warm palm touched your cold one, and you could've sworn the galaxy had stopped.

for several beats, the galaxy stopped as every planet had stopped its rotation, the stars shining brighter than ever as a few died with the past heartache of yours. the sun and the moon came together, kissing each other and proclaimed their love. the galaxy became empty, you and ren being the only two people alive in it.

supernovas happened, as nebulas formed of the love you two shared and how the galaxy only revolved around you and him, nobody else.

everything felt okay. staring into his eyes, the galaxy was withheld in them. the broken glass he was, illuminated into the sunlight and shined as a bright rainbow. the universe lived in him and the beautiful features of it laid upon his soul. you didn't see kylo ren in his eyes— it was ben solo and the fragment of hope he held onto.

ren shivered when he touched your hand. he was able to see who you were and what blood ran through your veins. it had been like if history was repeating itself, all over again.

everything came together as one— every thought, every memory, every emotion and feeling were now together, and you fell deeper into his eyes, a small smile on your face.

"i don't know where we are heading, we rested on ajan kloss for the night but now i'm not so sure and i'm sure i'll be stuck in this cell for a while, until they think they can trust me." you said and ren's mouth had turned into a smirk, his hands cupping your cheeks, thumbs caressing them.

"then do what you did for me when you first came— make them think that they can trust you and won't run off. sounds quite familiar, doesn't it?" kylo questioned and you rolled your eyes, your heart sinking to those memories of your beginning days as his prisoner. "and wherever you land on, i will be able to hear you."

"how is this possible? how am i able to see and touch you?" you were lost in your own questions, kylo's arms suddenly wrapping around your frame and held you close to him.

"don't worry about that, little flower. just know i'll come back for you." he reassured and you closed your eyes, digging your face into his shoulder. you allowed ren to hold you, warming up in his touch and never wanted him to go. "i don't know how long we have together right now, but just trust me."

"i do, but kylo—"

"shh, just.. let me hold you." he whispered and rested his chin on the top of your head, his arms strong around you. you nodded, your head laying on his chest and could hear his heartbeat slowing down. he was calm and relieved with you.

"why do always continue to find me? i'm sure you'll get sick of me soon." you mumbled, chuckling lightly and sniffled, not knowing why you were crying. "you have an entire empire to build and destruction to do, yet put all your focus onto me."

ren's arms slightly loosened from your waist and you stared into his doe eyes on hazel, a kiss from his lips being planted onto your temple. "i rather lose an entire empire than lose you." he confessed and your heart softened, your tears staining the fabric he wore.

"why is that?"

"because i—" ren's words were cut off when the hatch door of your cell was abruptly opened, rey appearing and her eyes went wide. your neck snapped to her direction and kylo was already gone before you could look back at him.

you could still smell him on your clothes and feel his lips on your temple, your eyes puffy from crying. "r—rey.." you stammered and she didn't say anything else, shaking her head in disbelief.

"i wasn't going to come in here to say i convinced leia to let you go and be under my watch, but i stood wrong— _very_ wrong." rey said and your pulse leaped into your throat, your pupils dilating of what could happen next.

"no no, you don't understand! he was just.. i don't know and he was just here, but i don't know how!" you panicked, your body shaking with terror and could feel your body going numb, your heartbeat gone.

"you are a traitor." rey said and you were about to walk up to her to induce of her not telling leia or anything else, but she used her force to stop you. every muscle and function in your body has stiffened, stopping entirely.

they were going to kill you. the resistance were going to kill you.

kylo ren body palpitated with your anxiety and fear, his own heart racing. "general hux! gather all divisions and forces! i want every single person here to find the resistance this instant!" ren yelled, veins popping out of his neck and hux nodded, barking orders to everyone.

"hang in there, little flower.. it's okay.." ren whispered to himself, stomping out of the halls and his knights were rounded up, waiting for him. "you will go to ajan kloss and then corellia. if anything, they are going to want to stay close of where they feel comfortable."

ren kept walking his knights, heading to the hangar bay and could feel your life energy slowly die. you were losing conscious and your airway was sedated, with time ticking.

"and i want the resistance dead. kill them all and make sure not the slightest of them are left alive." ren said, going into his tie silencer and his breathing quavered, reviving all of his engines.

he cursed under his breath as he sped out of the hangar bay, his knights behind him in their night buzzard. all fleets of the first order were out, the entire hangar bay empty to the bone and followed ren's order precisely.

the force brought the sounds of your pleading sobs to ren's ears and your screams echoed, everything taking over who he was. "all speed and forces ahead. no one gets to come back until she is found. obliterate villages, planets, _anything_ , just to get her." ren commanded and everyone responded to him with obligations, all transports passing his way.

"of all masters that once lived, keep her alive, as she is the daughter to one of you," ren spoke indistinctly and grunted as his put all of his transport into a harsh, fast motion. "keep her alive for me, please and i'll seek myself out of this galaxy. but for her, she needs to be here."

as ren begged to the masters who were from all generations, his tight firm and grip around the silencer's handles had lessened, his whole self benumbing and the cold, lifeless soul of you made him anesthetic. he couldn't feel you anymore. he couldn't feel your heartbeat or lively energy. your breathing pattern was hushed and your heartbeat had took it's finally breath.

ren blinked bluntly and the noises his ears picked up on were pierced ringing, his heart breaking. "no no, not you too.." he whispered to himself, the last hope in him becoming nothing when he tried to connect with you through the force and nothing was happening. there was no speaking with you or feeling your warmth. the hope that he had in him because of you was eradicated and gone.

kylo ren was too late.


	17. chapter seventeen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> secrets are revealed and feelings will be told, as kylo ren's word spew to you wholeheartedly.

hazy. cold. numb. that's all you felt. you breathing quavered, your body weak and your mind spun every second. your legs were tied down to the end sides of your cell bed, your wrists restricted behind your back and you laid on them.

you didn't know how many days had passed, but it certainly felt like years. you couldn't rest and when you did, you only saw kylo in your dreams. you were beginning to think he had gave up on you, going to someone else.

you couldn't feel him anymore. you didn't know how to reach him, but everything felt empty and cold. you were alone in a cell, trapped with your thoughts and own voice.

the resistance had believed you were giving intel on them to kylo, ever since you fell for him and rey had snitched you out about your force connection with him that she stumbled upon. you didn't know how long you'd be kept in a cell for, but you weren't fed anything and became _extremely_ dehydrated.

your voice croaked and cracked every time you spoke, your lips chapped. they treated you worse than kylo ever did and it was quite shocking to you. it was more shocking of how they'd turn their backs on you momentarily and instantly.

you sniffled, your last tears falling down your cheeks and all hearing was fuzzy, feeling less human everyday. your hatch door opened with a swift, not bothering to peek to see who had entered.

"we are back on crait to send signals to our allies in the outer rims, as we are allowing you freedom." finn said and you scoffed, rolling your eyes. you didn't face him, eyes blank to the wall and sniffled.

"wow, so generous! i've been stuck in here for like what, two weeks now, and i am barely being accessed to slight freedom?"

"actually a month, if you include when we got you back from the finalizer. the first order has been obliterating every village, place and murdered many innocent people, but there has been no sign of ren." he explained to you and you roughly chuckled, folding your hands into tight fists.

"is that suppose to make me feel better or something? you are an ass, and the resistance is worse than kylo ren himself." you mumbled the last of your words, shaking your head and sniffled.

finn left without saying another word.

you broke down into tears, feeling hopeless and lost. you wanted ren with you and to be back in his arms, his lips touching yours. you wanted to feel his warmth coating your freezing body and sat you on his lap, his fingers running through your hair.

with your thoughts running and stabbing at your mind about ren, an airy gasp earned your attention. you thought it was someone else coming in and groaned, sniffling more. "finn, you need to leave me.." your sentence trailed off when you were able to lift up your head with the last of your energy, eyes softening when you saw kylo for the first time in a while, but it felt eternity. "k—kylo.."

ren's heart sunk at the sight of you, seeing how different you had became. he felt sick to his stomach, getting up from his bed and rushed to you, taking off all the restrained that held you captive. "oh, little flower," ren muttered the second he pulled you into a hug and your sobs became intense, stuffing your face into his chest. "i thought i lost you. i couldn't feel you anymore or anything."

"please, kylo. i need you here— they haven't let me out of this cell or anything." you panicked when you saw him, breaking down hysterically and clung onto him.

"shh, deep breathers, darling. where are you? i can feel the temperature, it's freezing." ren said and you took your face away from his chest, looking up at him. his hands cupped your cheeks, thumbs wiping away any tears that fell and your exhales were trembling, lightheaded completely.

"crait, back on crait. finn told me they're still trying to get signals to the outer rim or whatever." you responded, trying to find a proper breathing pattern in between your words and ren kissed your forehead, his eyelids squeezing as they were shut. "i thought you stopped looking for me."

"i thought you were gone, forever. i couldn't feel your aura or anything anymore. the force wasn't bridging our minds like before." he explained and your limp body loosened in his hold, starting to feel yourself shut down. "hey hey, stay awake, sweetheart. you need to keep your eyes opened."

"i don't feel well." you muttered, your heartbeat slowly down with your body and ren picked you up, sitting you down on the floor. he hurriedly grabbed the metal bottle of water from his desk, bringing it your way and squatted down.

"here, sweetheart." ren muttered, holding your jaw gently opened and poured the water into your mouth. your tongue and throat graciously drank the water provided to you, with him placing a hand on your back to keep you seated up. "i'm coming, okay? you will not stay with them."

"kylo, if you can't—"

"no, stop yourself right there. i'm coming back for you, sweetheart. _i promise_." ren kept the bottle on your side and the force bond had vanished when you blinked a few times, leaving you alone in the cold cell.

you stood yourself up leisurely, balancing yourself and could only get up midway, falling down on your back roughly. you groaned, your head colliding with the floor and massaged away the pain. you laid there on the ground, blinking and stared at the ceiling, like you had been doing for weeks now. your feeble hand reached for the water, only for it to be met with another cold object.

_kylo ren's lightsaber._

"what the.." you mumbled, bringing it to your clear vision and examined it for slight passing seconds. it was his lightsaber and you were confused as to why he left it with you. you held the weapon firmly in your hand, shakily getting up one more time and panted heavily with each movement you took.

you struggled to stand on your two feet, legs wobbling and trembled. you put the lightsaber in the back of your pants and your eyes darted to your palm, that laid flat. your eyes were fixated on your palm and inhaled harshly, slowly facing the palm to the hatch door.

"might as well give it a try, right?" you asked yourself, taking one more inhale and concentrated of the hold between your palm and the hatch door. it felt a new energy coursed through your veins and bloodstream, taking its charge over you. a small screech came out of the hatch door, moving an inch and your eyes expanded largely. "no.. no.."

you didn't want to believe or think it. your palm became a magnet to the hatch door and you swept your hand right, as the door went in the same direction. you stumbled backwards in shock, paralyzed in your spot and blinked rapidly to the opened hatch.

"someone is gonna need to explain this." you mumbled inaudibly, voice hushed and stormed out of the cell. the sound of your boots pounding on the floors had echoed through the halls and bounce off walls, sure someone would hear you approaching anytime soon.

the temperature of crait was below freezing, howling wind outside and snow mixed with salt blanketed the grounds. the inside of the tunnel had worse weathering condition than the outside, and your body shook in shivers, goosebumps crawling onto your skin.

you opened another hatch door, eyes catching the scene of chaotic resistance people going different directions and shouting at one another. to your luck, no one batted an eye your way or noticed you. you had seem to become invisible and forgotten about.

you didn't know when the first order would come to base of the resistance, but did know the scenery of it all wouldn't be pretty— especially since kylo was angry and had his rage towards the resistance. for everything they did to you, he'd show no mercy or a sign of empathy.

you also didn't know how far kylo ren would take everything on his bittersweet revenge, however, the scenery for it all would be deadly and destructive. over your days and weeks in captivity, you had been able to understand who he was as a person.

the most clearest thing to see of him is that kylo ren got whatever he wanted, and would take anything far just to get it, and that _scared_ you.

you hastily moved yourself to the command center and shoved past people who were in your way, built up with irritation and anger. "good morning generals, squad leaders and whoever else is here!" you shouted as you hardly made yourself clear to the sight of everyone in the center and smiled, with eyes shooting your way.

their hearts sunk, faces dropping in fear and froze in their positions. they saw how messed up you _truly_ looked. "how are you out of your cell?" finn asked and you popped your knuckles, an adrenaline rush pumping through you abruptly.

you sighed. "where's general leia?"

"that is none of your concern."

you hummed, your hand snatching for ren's lightsaber and pulled it out from the back, activating it. the cackling, popping sound and color of the lightsaber, holding the hilt securely.

no one moved or spoke a word, eyes talking to each other and you twirled the lightsaber, deciding to a bit of steps closer to everyone. "okay, _okay_! leia will be back shortly, but in the meantime, turn off ren's lightsaber and sit down." finn said, his hand lifted midair for signaling and your thumb gazed over the button on the hilt.

you obligated, turning it off and put it back where you hide it. "now tell me, how did you get out? did someone free you?" he asked, taking precaution steps your way and you stared at him, a smile crinkling on your face.

you chuckled, just the slightest. "the force."

"the force?" finn repeated. you hummed and snickered from the fear that washed over his face. "that's impossible. you would have known times ago by—"

"it's not impossible. it's true." leia's words cut off finn's next ones and attention was put onto her, as she stood couple of feet away from you. "the force runs through her blood. her grandfather was once my only hope, long ago."

you spun at the heel of your foot, facing her and blinked in thought, knowing those words were familiar. "dear, your grandfather is kenobi— obi-wan kenobi. he had a remarkable son whom fell in love when he was about only twenty two years old and they were resistance fighters, as well." leia avowed and held her cane strongly, which helped her move closer to you.

"why didn't they stay? why did they get rid of me?" you asked and leia rolled up the sleeve of your cardigan on your right arm, showing a mark you had always had there since the day you could form proper memories. you always believed it was a birthmark, nothing else.

"when you were about four years old, you were playing in the small patio garden of your parents home they had on coruscant. your mother was planting flowers, as your father was gone to get meals. your mother paid no attention to you, knowing you were safe and secure. until, a little blue butterfly came onto this exact spot of your arm and burned into your skin."

"burned into my skin?"

"correct. the butterfly flew away as you wailed and your mother took you to an infirmary. no nurse or doctor could figure it out. your father, being the smart researcher he is, read into any books he could find about this. it was said a child whom is printed with the mark of a butterfly shall bring shame to their family as they are met with evil and vile in their life once they are older."

"they were ashamed of me?"

"not ashamed— scared and worried. they left you on coruscant and went to seek further answers so you wouldn't be a target nor cause any danger, and days before your parents vanished, i met with them. they told me everything and said i was never to tell a soul, including you, about your bloodline. but as i see, you founded out."

you dropped to the ground, sitting there and stared numbly at the floor, gathering every word that spoken to you, your mind needing years to fully wrap around it. your grandfather was once the mentor and master to anakin skywalker, who's grandson is kylo ren.

a kenobi clashing with a skywalker.

"i've been able to see kylo and touch him, as if he is really with me. i don't want to say what i think it is but.." your breath shuddered, unable to comprehend the right thing to say next and shook your head in disbelief, staying on the floor. "it can't be, because of rey and kylo."

"the force is an unimaginable gift, and works in the most beautiful ways. with minds bridged and your bloodlines having strong history, it does make sense that you are a dyad in the force." leia said and everything came crashing down onto you, holding onto the truth as much as you could.

the truth broke you. the truth damaged you into unfixable pieces and cut you through your wounded skin with them, leaving you scarred. you could feel your heart sinker lower and lower into the pit of your stomach, burning through you like a wildfire and inhaled vigorously.

you were left as a child because of a mark. a mark of a significant butterfly and knew the evil that you would be met with was kylo ren. it wasn't a coincidence or false fate. this was met to happen.

yet instead of shame, you were consumed with love and desire for him. you didn't hate yourself anymore for having a heart for him. you felt sympathy for this man.

you didn't hate him. oh gods, how you didn't hate him anymore or want to stab out his guts. instead, you wanted to give him every twinkling star, planet, sun and moon that existed. you wanted to give him more than just beyond the universe and would do anything for him to be happy. for him to feel again and understand what is it like to love another human being.

you loved him. you were so in love with him and didn't deny it anymore. you loved him the way the sun loved the moon, and they came together as one to proclaim their love for each other as an eclipse. you came face to face with it instead and confronted the truth. the truth was worth being broken for, and this was all it. you were a fate, and could bring kylo ren to the surface of the light. no one could forever be stuck in darkness, where they don't beg to the light and feel something other than pain.

and loving kylo ren was the most beautiful way of self destruction.

you loved him, and that was it. you could simply think and feel all this, but yet we're always afraid to tell him it all. you were scared of him turning his back of you and no having the same heart that you did for him.

you were knocked out of your thoughts from a rumble of the tunnel, sitting up right away and barely remembered you had told kylo you were on crait. "i'm sorry.. to you all." you said, walking out of the command center and could hear millions of voices shouting your name, but they were voiced out by a simple echo.

the echo became static, and static blocked off any noise that your ears perked up to. your walk became running and ran to the outside of the tunnel, your feet banging onto the ground. you ran and ran, ready to go through the front opening of the tunnel that the first order burned into months ago.

you kept running, knowing you one step closer to kylo every time you did and could finally be back into his arms. your eyes skimmed over the tie fighters with walkers to gone them and the command shuttle hovered in the above them.

your heart was anxious and could feel your throat getting dry, tongue numb. your legs were filled with a thrill and the command shuttle lowered itself to the ground, a small smile of hope on your face.

"stop!" a indistinct voice shouted at you and felt a blaster shot hit the back of leg, causing you to collapse. your head and body slammed to the ground, going completely disoriented. your vision had black spots in it, blurry and dizzy, feeling sick to your stomach.

your head thumped and pounded, your skull on fire. your ears rang with a piercing noise and bickering was heard miles away from you. bickering and shouting, your skull breaking more and more.

you couldn't stand and at your best chances, you could only crawl. crawl to him and hope he'd grab you. you limped and crawled, seeing unclear figures coming your way.

you crawled and crawled, not even knowing what the hell you were doing anymore. you just needed to leave and find some sort of freedom. you needed to be held and healed. all of you was damaged and just needed someone.

your ailing hands and arms pulled you forward, your knees scrapping against the grounds of crait. you kept fighting and breathing, with whatever you had left inside of you.

the figures came closer and closer, a man in all black walked in between them, as they marched their way inside of the tunnel. your ears could understand the audible screams and yelling of the resistance, a tear rolling down your cheek.

 _how did i get myself into this mess,_ you thought to yourself and shook it off, your oxygen levels becoming slowly restrained from proper airway.

and before you were ready to give out and give up, you saw him. you saw kylo ren, and it was not through the force this time. "kylo.." you croaked out and the sun hit your face, burning the tears on your cheeks, eyes barely staying awake. "kylo, please.."

with a last move forward, all your muscles stopped, your body crumpled to the cold grounds. you prostrated, eyes blinking and stared at the sky, seeing tie fighter fly around. your limp body caved into the numbness, pain and heartbreak you felt.

"little flower!" ren yelled, kneeling at your side and picked you up, holding you comfortably on his lap. you could see him and hear his voice, giving him the strongest smile you could. "i'm so proud of you.. you fought back."

he grabbed his lightsaber out of the back of your pants, clipping it to his side. "you are going home now." he told you and you didn't response, your mouth drier than your throat was. his hand touched the spot where you were shot, his hand covered in your blood and stained it. "i want all divisions to aim and fight at the resistance! clear out the whole tunnel!"

after ren was done barking orders, he picked you up into his arms and hurried you into the command shuttle.

┉

your head was a whirlwind when waking up, the lights of the medbay stinging your eyes and causing a sudden migraine. you groaned, tossing onto your other side and heard grumbling snores. you blinked a few times, slowly sitting up and rubbed your eyes, finding a medbay band on your wrist.

you were back on the finalizer.

you popped the muscles in your neck, yawning and found all the knights of ren sitting against the walls, sleeping peacefully. ushar was resting his head on vicrul's, with ap'lek and trudgen _slightly_ cuddling and kuruk was completely still just like cardo was.

you chuckled softly to the sight, shaking your head. you were changed into completely different clothing, wearing ren's sweater and some comfortable medbay sweats.

"hey, wake up." you said and all the knights woke up in a snap, quarreling at each other for a moment. you just watched them, finding it childish of how much they fought and yelled at each other children. "you guys are gonna make me feel worse, and trust me, i feel like shit."

"we are sorry. how do you feel?" vicrul asked as he stood up with the other knights, all of their weapons and masks removed from their identities. "do we need to get you a nurse or anything?"

"no no, i'm okay. but, where's kylo? is he okay?" you questioned, your voice coated with fear and concern. they nodded, no emotions on their face and they knew something else that you didn't. "what happened with him?"

"master ren is okay. he's been here ever since he brought you and tonight was the only night he has been gone, making us watch over you. he should be here shortly." trudgen said and you nodded, eyes casting to the sound of the hatch door opening. "spoke too soon. greetings, master ren."

"knights, you may leave. i will alert you when you can come back." ren spoke and they nodded, leaving you two alone. they bickered quietly to one another on their way out, a smile on your face from it and their master watched them walk out.

ren sat on the edge of your medbay bed and you sat up more, being gentle with yourself. "my leg hurts like a bitch, and my wounds feel worse than before," you told him, chuckling awkwardly and ren placed a hand on your cheek, his lips kissing your forehead. "i'm okay, ren. i'm just glad to be with you."

"i thought i lost you." ren whispered and his eyes took in every feature of you, still looking beautiful. your lower lip had a cut on it, with a bruise on your temple and hands were bandaged up because of the deep scraps they had. "i'm just glad you're safe and back with me."

"me too. i thought i was going to die in that cell.. and i found out about something that's quite _crazy_." you said, laughing to the remembrance of it and ren raised a brow, curious to know. "well, my grandfather is obi-wan! crazy and hilarious!"

"obi-wan?"

"yes."

"as in my grandfather's _master_ obi-wan kenobi?"

"yes."

"who told you?" ren asked and you fiddled with your fingers, your eyes talking for yourself. "how did you come to find out about it? what else is there?"

"butterfly mark, the mark meaning a lot of things, we are basically fate and it makes sense that a skywalker ascendent would be another half to a kenobi." you summed it up as much as you could, lips in a thin lines and the sleeves of ren's sweater hooded over your hands.

"well, you can explain more of it to me once you are out and better. for now, you need more rest." ren was starting to get up, but your hand seized his wrist and held it. he looked back at you, his heart sinking from how scared and frightened you looked. "i'll be back soon, little flower. i will always be here and with you."

"can i just ask you something?" you wondered and he hummed, his wrist freeing from your hold. he reseated himself and you sat in a criss-cross position, the medbay blanket cover all of your lap, while you looked at your shaky hands. "you could've killed me. why didn't you?"

it was the same repeated question you had asked before your force bond with him had vanished and you didn't face him for weeks.

ren had an answer— he couldn't kill you because he felt for you. he was protective over you and wanted you. he was sickeningly, yet beautifully obsessed with you. in the beginning, his intentions were to kill you once he got something out of you but that was long gone. and what ren felt was compassion. a soft spot for you. empathy and more.

"you know what— it's okay, you don't have to answer that." you said, chuckling nervously and shook your head, a tear wanting to fall out of your eye. "if you need to go, i completely understand. it's okay."

"no, let's not that do."

"do what?"

"invalidate your feelings and emotions. try to blow everything over as if it doesn't exist." ren said and you became puzzled, eyebrows drawing together. you sat there and stared at him, while he got up.

he faced away from you and collected all his thoughts, pulling them together as one. he shivered to his thoughts and emotions, that ate him alive. he knew the only way to stop them was letting it out, in a bright light and flash.

kylo ren turned around and stared directly into your eyes, never breaking eye contact. he swallowed down the fear and anxiety that prevented him beforehand, as you sat there patiently, noticing his tongue having words on it.

ren inhaled sharply and once. "i am in love with you."

"kylo, it's—"

"i am in love with you. i am so in love with you, that you devour me as a person. i'd choose you in every reality, world and reality of mine, because i am in love with you. and the way i always remember i love you is simply by simply not helping it. you have me, even in the end of this galaxy and dying stars, you have me. you have me as a whole. i love you simply the way the sun loves the moon. i would defend your every breath and protect you with all of me."

"kylo.."

"and you feel like home. i never knew what home felt like until i found you. your voice is a harmony and your touch is alluring, as you are entirely the galaxy. and sometimes, love is destruction and dangerous, but that's why i live for the thrill of it. loving you is cataclysmic and wonderful, that i live off of it as if it's my only way to breathe. love has no true meaning to it nor will us humans ever find the right one, but we can create our own definition to it. and i am in love with you."

"you're in love with me?"

"more than words or the galaxy can describe for you. it's you— it's always been _you_."

"i'm in love with you too, kylo ren." you confessed, tears pooling in your ears and dropped down your cheeks, falling onto the sweater your wore. "i am in utterly in love with you."

"you are?"

"because i know you as a person and i know your heart, even if my own heart or mind can't touch upon it," you told him, having hope in him and knew you could help him. just because your grandfather couldn't save a skywalker, didn't mean _you_ couldn't. "and i did want to take your hand.."

"and you still could."

you sniffled, scooting closer to the edge of your bed and cupped ren's cheeks with your cold hands, smiling small. "i love you." you whispered, kissing him passionately and delicately, yet in a slow sync. you didn't want this moment or enjoyment to end.

supernovas and nebulas of the galaxy were formed, exploding everywhere in the infinite blackness of life. you could feel peace and love on his lips. kylo ren was the universe to you, holding it just simply in your hands and with the loveliest touch. he was a paradise, that had never tasted sweeter or poisonous before.

but, you didn't mind the poison. instead, you craved and desired it. you took the position as if it was medicine, that could heal you from all wounds that left their permanent marks into you.

kylo ren was a sweet and catastrophic paradise, that you wanted to be in every second of your life. he was a simple alternative universe that was quietude, sparks of serenity and you only lived in it with him. you could feel and see hope shine through him, warming your heart and knew you could help him.

you believed and held onto the strong hope of turning ben solo. you couldn't give up and refused to do so. but in the end of it all— of time, planets, stars, humans and universes— you would still be in love with him no matter what.

you loved him forever, and with your last dying breath.

lips came off one another and your eyes sunk into his, with kylo ren melting in your simplest touch. "and i love you more than love itself." ren said and you smiled, hands slipping off his cheeks. you brought up your pinky and he blinked it wondrously, his brow raising. "what is this?"

"come on, you must have done pinky promises at the temple." you told him and he continued blinking at your pinky, looking down at his own. "i'll take that as a no. a pinky promise means an unbreakable oath and trust in one another."

ren's nodded and hummed, understanding the meaning of what it was, seeing his cheeks have a soft redden tint. butterflies swarmed in your stomach, your heart adoring the person he was. "pinky promise to the forever of ours until the end of the galaxy?" you asked, staring at him and his pinky interlocked with yours, his being bigger than yours.

you shook your head playfully and chuckled, keeping your pinkies locked together. "now, we kiss it, to signify our promise infinitely," you said and he smiled, both of you kissing your hands. your pinkies were free from each other's, ren's fingers adjusting certain strands of hair that were in your face and kissed your cheek. "i love you, ren."

"and i love you, little flower."


	18. chapter eighteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plans are revealed, self confrontation are brought in and submission is declared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't revise this chapter so i apologize for any grammar errors.

"be with me.. be with me," you whispered to yourself, a repeated mantra and relaxed your body, eyes closed. you were levitated midair and inhaled deeply, letting them go slowly. "you're not with me. ugh!" you groaned, your eyes snapping open with a roll to them and the pillows that floated around you, fell down to the ground. 

"you'll get it soon enough. it takes time to balance yourself with the force," ushar said and your frown framed itself onto your face, dropping down onto your feet carefully. "but, nothing at all?"

"no. guess the force isn't strong with me as i thought it was," you mumbled, rubbing your temple and massaged away the migraine you had, your lips pursing in thought. you plopped down onto your couch, slouching and stared at the ceiling. "where's kylo? is he back yet?"

"his meetings are always long. don't expect him to come back in the next hour," ap'lek told you and you groaned again, tapping your foot onto the metal ground. "and don't even think about interrupting it. last time you did, i could see murder printed in his eyes."

"it's been a month since i've gone out of the medbay and when i did, he barely came around. i just miss him, that's all," you confessed and stared at the knights, who all slumped themselves on the ground. "and he is always withheld in meetings! or talking to ginger ale!"

"are you forgetting master ren and all of the first order are _still_ planning to take down the resistance, kill away peace and have everyone bow down to his feet?" vicrul asked and you chuckled at the mention of the resistance, your mind backing itself to those memories of your captivity days. 

"especially with palpatine's plan to—" vicrul slapped a hand over ushar's mouth, whom was eating a box of small crackers and glared at him profoundly. you blinked, tilting your head and vicrul began to curse at ushar for being a big mouth. 

" _palpatine's plan_? _the_ emperor palpatine? i thought he was dead," you recalled that history of the powerful sith and vicrul took away his hand, ushar acting like he didn't mention a thing. "what's going on?"

"we have to join master ren. _stay_ _here_ ," vicrul barked and they all scurried up, weapons and masks in both their hands, leaving you alone in your quarters within seconds. you stood up from your sitting spot, seeing the scattered pillows on your floor and inhaled sharply.

you sat in the middle of the pillows, adjusting them to the littlest and crossed your legs, closing your eyes. if palpatine was back, that meant danger for everyone, especially kylo. 

you couldn't let palpatine get into his head any furthermore. 

"be with me.." you muttered, your body blanketed with tranquility and comfort, the fingertips of shivers crawling on your skin to form goosebumps that spiked. your eyes sunk into the darkness and your mind drowned into the deep end of thoughts, a angry presence lingering around you. 

you could feel this person. 

you didn't let it stop you from connecting with all masters that ever lived, your palms rested on your legs and took in the next breath. 

_"all of the sith,"_ a deep voice with the lick of vile to it, spoke to you in the back of your mind and before you could retract, you were pulled into a suffocating ocean of nonexistence and emptiness. _"who will you become?"_

a strong hold brought you to the surface of the ocean and there you saw everything. you saw kylo with the knights, his lightsaber redder than a thick coat of blood and lava, as rain poured onto you all. 

you ran to kylo and before you could jump into his arms for safety, you were knocked down into the next scenery. the scenery had the audios of disciples chanting and yelling in a sync, a darker laugh behind you. 

you hadn't proclaimed yourself a such title, but knew you weren't a sith. like your grandfather before you, you were a jedi. a jedi in the flesh and blood, with it coursing through your veins. 

the scenery fell into a dim lighting, the skies coated with lightning and thunder. _"empress ren, with the supreme leader kylo ren,"_ the voice touched your ears and could feel rotten hands on your shoulders, wanting you to turn to face their identity. 

you slowly directed yourself in a spin to the presence and as you did, the only person you came face to face with was yourself. 

it was a replica, with white eyes and wore the darkest of clothes, a crown with a dangling red diamond in the middle of it that showed its color on your forehead. 

_"don't be afraid of who you are,"_ the duplicate spoke, a smile on their face and vision flashes in your head. 

a throne. a throne with you, and kylo. ruining everything that you wanted to live. evil and monsters taking power. glory shining through the creeks of the galaxy, and the cold hand of your dark self touched your cheek. 

_"this is who you are, because of him."_

everything was a blurry seconds of motion, waking up to reality and collapsed entirely onto the ground, bruising your side. before you could catch a breather, another voice came into your ear and was calmer, kinder this time. 

_"these are your first steps,"_ the voice comforted your pain, barely comprehending the reality visual of the pain you were in, cursing under your breath. you panted heavily, tears welled in your eyes and your body sweated. 

you got up from the ground, your body trembling and the presence had disappeared, a heavy pressure on you. you ran out of your quarters, your body limp and shaking, your heart palpating. your tongue was paper and throat was sand, your hands clammy. 

you lurched yourself straight into the elevator, needing to see kylo. you were positive he'd be out of his meeting with the generals by the time you had arrive to him, and the elevator doors snapped close, spiraling you down to the chosen level. 

your head kept spinning around the voices and the reflective memory the replica, your heart sinking to the abdomen. the doors ripped open and you floundered to the conference chambers, people's attention on you. 

your body lumbered and the distinct voice of your darker self whispered in your ears with every step you took to the conference. it was a haunting voice and the hatch doors to the conference chambers pulled apart, everyone's heads flicking your way, especially kylo's. 

"generals and knights, dismissed. we will continue later," ren excused them and they nodded, their judgmental eyes boiling into your skin. you sat down in one of the chairs, beads of sweat on your forehead and your breathing pattern stiffened. "did you not recall your lesson from the last time you interrupted?"

"what is palpatine's plan? i thought," you paused with a trembling breather, "he was dead. i thought he was defeated!" you panicked, eyes widen and ren took off his mask, landing it on the table. "ushar told me, but then vicrul cut him off and—"

"you weren't suppose to know. you weren't suppose to know until i _killed_ the scavenger," he emphasized, and your breath heaved in your chest, brows drawn lowly. "palpatine is guiding me and i must continue to fulfill my grandfather's destiny. he would want me to."

"serving another master?" you asked and ren's eyes glared into yours, realizing how shaken up you were. "you could make your own orders. why follow someone else's?"

"snoke did not teach me what i needed, but palpatine has. i won't let him down," ren said and you scoffed, rolling your eyes. you sat there in the chair, thinking to yourself and your lower lip sunk in between your teeth, chewing on it slightly in thought. "why did you interrupt the meeting?"

"it doesn't matter. nothing fucking matters anymore. i barely get to see you and when i suddenly do, i find out you're still doing bullshit behind my back. we are suppose to trust each other," you reminded him, bolting up from your seat and he only stared into your eyes, never blinking. 

ren was just as cold and emotionless as when you first got onto the finalizer. you hated this. you hated that there would never be an ending cycle to who he was and he never face ben solo again. your mind was quick to leap to the conclusion that palpatine had already gotten into his head and you were too late to stop him. 

"was all of it for nothing? was it just to keep a hostage forever?" you questioned and ren's eyes spoke nothing along with his closed mouth, the pulse of your heart within your throat. "answer me."

"go back to your chambers."

"gods fucking dammit ren! answer me and stop being such a coward!" you yelled, slamming your hand on the table and it shook throughout all of it, leaving a dimple in the item. "all you do is lie and lie.. when will it ever stop?"

ren's eyes focused on you again. "it's not lying."

"yes it is! you say one thing thinking i will believe it and never find out the truth. do you know how draining it is? do you?" you asked. "it's so draining to the point i can feel myself sinking into the deep end of everything. it's so _exhausting_ being lied to when all i want is your love."

"once the scavenger is gone and the first order takes on the next step, you will have all of me," ren said and your tears blurred your vision, your eyes in awe of what he said. your body shivered to his words and you could feel an arrow shoot through your heart, causing it to bleed endlessly. 

"i don't have all of you already?" you wondered and he didn't move another muscle or say one more thing, only his lips thinning together. "then what was that, in the medbay?"

again, nothing else.

"if i am just your pawn for this war, then you and the resistance are just as evil. you pitted me, and said what you thought i wanted to hear. you're using me again," you told him and rushed out the conference chambers, your tears staining your cheeks as they glowed on your face. 

everything in your life was suddenly a conflict and unbalanced. you walked on needles and thin ice, hurting yourself every time you thought you were making the right decision. everything had come tumbling down you, as your heart teetered with your mind and you could feel yourself suffocating underwater again. 

you couldn't stop or change kylo ren, there was no way to. you could give him the whole galaxy and worship him on your knees, and it _still_ wouldn't be enough for him. nothing was enough to him and that broke you even more than before. 

loving kylo ren was destructible and chaotic, but it was such a thrill for the oddest reason. you got a rush from it and it was a medication that kept you alive. you had gotten drawn and attached to him, never knowing that was possible. you had only been his prisoner for a few weeks and then at the switch of a light, you found yourself falling down a rabbit hole for him. 

your mind escaped your frantic thinking and threw you back into reality, finding yourself dragging yourself into the elevator to get back to your quarters. you'd spend the rest of your life miserable and tiresome, no way of escaping anymore. 

you had to start accepting reality.

you didn't blink or find yourself breathing, your eyes drooping and the doors opened within seconds, your legs taking you out of the transportation. you shuffled out of the elevator and to your quarters, your hatch door able to detect you for a mile radius. 

by the time you got into your quarters, you headed into your bedroom and your body felt worn out. your body dropped itself onto your bed, blankets and sheets cold, getting under them for comfort. 

you struggled to take off your boots under the covers and slipped them off when they dangled at your toes, curling up into a ball. you held yourself and the blankets weren't enough to make you warm, your last tear hitting on your pillow. 

you could hear the sounds of tie fighters coming in and out of the docking bay, your back facing your hatch door. you sniffled, you couldn't stop thinking of your first encounter with kylo and how you got yourself into the mess of everything. 

you blamed yourself and hugged your pillow, digging your face into it. he was the enemy and a monster. a creature in a mask whom killed his father and many others, being a mass murderer. you remembered how you weren't in fear of him and fought back, always believing the resistance would get you. 

there was so much lies that came to the light, because you were kylo's prisoner. you saw how the resistance treated a traitor who gave their whole life's purpose to them. you were able to see the shallow light in the soul and heart of kylo ren's, being a failure to turn ben solo. 

and at the built of it all, you were granddaughter to _fucking_ obi-wan kenobi. 

"this is fucking crazy," you mumbled to yourself, shaking your head in disbelief and chuckled amusingly. "i'm going to lose my godforsaken mind."

"still don't know how to quiet your thoughts?" ren's abrupt voice spoke and you flinched, but didn't face him. you didn't bother to, upset he interrupted your thinking and could only do it when you were alone. "you resent me. your pretty brain thinks it."

"gee, it's like we are back to square one," you muttered, a huff of despise breathing out and you sat up on your elbows, your stained cheeks visible to his eyes. "this is all a whirlwind and i am so tired of pitter patting around you and everything that has happened."

"you could've continued fighting and stayed with the resistance after your last escape, but you didn't. you had your chances and everything more, i know you did."

"i stayed because of you. because i.." you stopped yourself for the reasoning of not needing to explain yourself and he already knew. he had to know that night in the medley when he poured his heart to you as if it were leaking blood internally and you could see stars in it.

but there was a difference between the two of you— if you and him were to stand in the middle of the entire universe, where you were the only people to exist and the whole infinity spun around in its constant loop, you and kylo would still manage to think differently.

you'd walk through a fire for him. but he would set fire to the universe around him, yet never let a flame touch you.

you would give your last breath to him. he would give all of him to you.

"you already know why i stayed. i don't need to repeat anything," you said, getting up from your bed and stood close to him, his eyes downing into yours. "i would hate to be back at the beginning and back to all that fighting, near deaths and oh yeah, a needle through my skin!"

"is that your defense?" ren asked and you scoffed, flipping him off. "you never learned you lessons, and in the end, you gave up, darling."

"and that's _your_ defense? you are still so fucking pathetic! and you're a bitch dog, always falling to anyone who will grace you power and control!" you pointed out and ren hummed, a smirk tugging onto his lips. "and you know what that also makes you look like? a little boy who needs someone because he isn't a man _nor_ a supreme leader."

ren chuckled. "is that all you got, princess?"

"everyone was right about— you're just a child in a mask," you said and sworn you got a whiplash when ren's fingers grasped around your throat, pinning you down onto your bed. you didn't scream, tremble or fight back— you grinned and chuckled breathily, mocking a coo. "oh, so powerful and strong, i'm _so_ intimidated."

"you're doing it again. you're like a delicate angel that begs to be corrupted by the touch of the devil's hand," ren said and your grin vanished, a tide of goosebumps washing over your skin. a boulder landed in your heart and rolled to your stomach, feeling your pulse in between your legs. 

"oh, bite me," you shot back and ren's face leaned in closer to yours, his grip tightening around your throat. you were granted with a hallow airway and crimson cheeks, the pulse beating bigger. 

"i rather do much more than that, princess," ren teased, a vague characteristic to all of him and a faint exhale passed between your lips. "you had been mine from the beginning. i do as i please with you."

"you must've forgotten who i am, ren."

"you are a _ex_ resistance fighter who fell to her knees for the supreme leader of the first order and pleads to be ruined by him without even saying the words. that's who _you_ are, little flower."

touché.

the hands of devil himself left invisible lethal marks across your skin as it explored it in wanderlust and your breath hitched, caught up in your throat. you whimpered in the littlest sense, his fingers in between your legs and touched your inner thighs, but _refused_ to pleasure you. 

your breathing quavered. "please, kylo.."

"try again, darling. if you are that desperate for me, you'll know what to say," ren's voice was a dangerous venom and a burning desire injected in every vessel of your being. your cunt had a pressure on it, yet saw no physical contact and discovered ren was handling you via force. "pathetic whore.. willing to do anything to get fucked by me, hm?"

"please.. _sir_ ," you begged and ren smirked, leaving you laid on the bed. you were desperate and the wildfire of desire wouldn't stop until it was pleased with the taste of kylo ren. he slid off his gloves, seeing his tender hands that were pale and veiny, knowing they could crush you in the slightest touch. 

"strip and drop to your knees, in front of me," ren barked the order and your fingers fled to your clothes, your fingers popping out the buttons of your shirt as your bra came off with it. then, they glided to your trousers, slipping them off and your panties were stripped away in a second or two. 

your bare body shivered from the cold conditioning that circulated in your chambers. you brought yourself down to your knees in front of kylo, whom was shirtless and could get an entire sight of his body. 

his body was glorious, especially with scars and cuts all over it, heavenly than ever. your eyes admired his body and awed in adoration of it, your cheeks burning again. 

ren's fingers slithered through your hair, stroking you like a pet and his other hand grasped onto your jaw, forcing it open. he spit into your mouth and you giggled, swallowing it proudly. 

you were servile and did nothing else but keep your mouth, as ren's fingers escaped out of your hair and worked on his pants. uncountable seconds passed and he grabbed a fistful of your hair, shoving your mouth down onto his cock. 

you could barely get a proper breather, your throat getting pounded and rammed into, drooling beginning to form at the sides of your mouth. ren had a strong grip in your hair, locks tightening and the unseen touch on your cunt reappeared. you moaned and whimpered, muffled down by ren's hardening cock.

"so fucking gorgeous, sweetheart.. that's it, take my fucking cock," he praised delightedly and a trail of drool fell out the corner of your mouth, down your chin where it touched your bare breasts. "fucking hell, i've missed this."

ren took all of the control, pushing your head all the way down and kept it positioned there, a harsh grunt tearing out of his throat. he cursed incoherently under his breath, panting and looked down at you, as your eyes looked up into his.

they looked so innocent and doe, wanting to ruin you until you couldn't feel any bone or muscle in your body, leaving you braindead. "my whore, hm? only alive to fucking serve me," he groaned, moaning loudly and with his hand kept in your hair, he yanked back your head. you were grateful to get a few breathers, drools smothered everywhere on your mouth and a saliva line was made between your mouth to his cock. 

ren smacked you harshly a few times, responding to it with hush whines and he spat in your face, then into your mouth. you smiled widely and he made it go away simply by forcing his cock back into your mouth, your lips wrapping perfectly around it. 

he groaned and moaned louder, whispering your name every time his tip hit the back of your throat. "fuck! i'm going to cum," he uttered, his head falling back and moans elicited, a hot feeling pooling into your mouth. his cock fell out of your mouth with a pop and his hand seized your jaw, your mouth hanging open for him. "look at you— messy and pathetic. swallow, princess."

you obeyed and he grinned, signaling his chin with a nudge towards your bed. you practically boosted off your knees and lurched yourself onto your bed, ren's hand pushing you down onto your back. 

he didn't give you time to prep or catch a simple breath, slamming himself into the second you were full laid on your back. his hand pressed onto your stomach, pounding into harshly and skin slapped, echoing throughout your entire chambers.

"this is my fucking cunt, and i get to fuck it whenever i want, you got that? all mine and that will never change. if you ever try to leave me again, i'll kill you," ren threatened and your stomach sufficient with butterflies, your cheeks warming up. 

you felt crazy for getting off to the violence and vile words, but it was a thrill and rush. 

" _fuckfuckfuck_ , right there! yes, daddy!" you shouted, your eyes rolling back and arched sharply, your teeth scraping over your lips. ren's thumb trailed over the sewed initials in your skin, dragging his nail over the red thread and smirked. 

ren enjoyed the divine balance of pain and pleasure, finding the double arousal when they were combined together. he desired to hurt you and see you plead with hopeless tears in your eyes as you wailed pathetically.

you could feel him all the way in you, pounding in a violent and intemperate manner. "oh gods, you feel _amazing_!" you yelled, choking back the moans that wanted to escape away from your chest and throat. 

"look at you, taking my cock, hm?" ren hummed and you nodded, his thumb still skimming over the red thread, smirking to his sinister thoughts. "my pretty little girl."

his fingers stopped at the top of the embroidery and no forewarning were spoken when ren ripped out the sewing, causing a yelp to ring his ears. skin came apart with the red threading, blood forming and you panted, as he could only get off to it. 

your mind parted away from the action that was quickly taken place, feeling a hot knot in the pit of your stomach and your eyes rolled further, your hands curling into your bedsheets. 

"i need to cum, _fuck_ ," you moaned, biting your lower lip harshly and could taste skin in your mouth, your body trembling in a high. "please, i need to cum!"

"you want to cum? beg for it," ren said and you groaned, eyebrows furrowing together, your head lolling. "if you're that desperate to cum, you'll beg, little one."

"please let me cum, i'll do anything. just fucking let me— _gods_!" you could barely put together a perfect sentence, tears in the brim of your waterline from being on the edge of your climax. "just let me cum, _please_!" 

"cum with me, princess," ren moaned out and you nodded, seeing the galaxy in your vision when you released your high, legs spazzing. your body twitched a little, trying to gather air and ren flipped you onto your stomach, hands on your waist as he brought your ass closer to him. "we're not done yet."

blood dripped on your bedsheets, ren thrusting into you again and you dug your face into your pillow, noises stifled. ren's hand further stuffed your face and kept his hand, as his other one was gripping onto your waist. 

his eyes were fixated on the scarred marks and bruises on your ass, that he once left there with the broken glass. his hand swiveled away from your waist and fingernails clawed into the past marks, small amounts of blood coming to the surface of your skin. 

your skin was on fire, enkindled by desire and pain, your head resting on its side to get oxygen. your breathing pattern was rigid and improper, a pleasurable smile on your face. all of your body was going numb, every vessel static and your mind hazed, humming to every hard thrust going in you. 

"braindead already? can't handle anymore?" ren asked and you didn't respond, eyes in the back of your head when the next peak crashed into you, moaning to the sudden rush. "answer me, sweetheart." 

you shook your head hesitantly, though your face and body language were different than your grumbling moans. "i need to cum, please— _oh gods_ — please!" you implored, choking on your shaky whines and moans, breaking down into sobs. 

your sobs made ren go _insane_. 

"fucking cum," ren barked and you nodded, your second round being free from its hold— but he didn't stop there. instead, ren kept going at his belligerent, hastily pace and laid both his hands on your hips, nails digging into your skin again. 

your breathing jagged and shuddered in a sync with ren's rapidity, your tears spurting out of your eyes. "mine forever, darling. you're not going anywhere," ren muttered, moaning and babbled curse words as he hit his next run, free falling into you. "fucking hell.. you're dripping with my cum."

he slowly got himself out of you, his eyes admiring your leaking hole and had his index finger run down the slit of your cunt, your body shivering within response. "what a good whore you are, sweetheart," he whispered and your mind was clouded, your entire being collapsing onto the bed. "only two rounds and you're exhausted? pathetic."

you panted. "fuck.. _you_." 

"i wouldn't mind a next round, darling, but maybe we could save it for next time," ren said and your throat was raspy, having a dry texture to it, your legs giving out their last tremble. he slowly sat you up, pulling you onto his lap and kissed the side of your head, pushing strands of hair out of your flushed face. "do you think you can clean up yourself alone or no?"

"i think so. why?" you wondered and ren grinned, his fingers still picking away any hairs that covered your vision or stuck to your stained cheeks. "my knights will be escorting you in an hour to meet me," ren answered and you raised a brow, curious to what he had planned. "i have to take care of a few things as you get ready, but i'll start up the bath for you."

he scooped you up into his arms and walked into your washroom, sitting you down onto the sink counter, your butt touching the cold surface. "is there a possibility i can get bandages or some sort of aid?" you asked, referring to your bleeding cuts that he had made and he hummed in response, having the water run into the tub. "do i need to wear something nice?"

"i prefer that you do, of course," he blandly responded and careened out of the washroom, disappearing for seconds. you sat there, watching the tub run with more water and be filled up, kicking your dangling legs. 

your ears perked up to the heavy footsteps of boots, ren appearing to your sight in his normal outfit and you scoffed, rolling your eyes. he turned off the water and you were lifted back into his arms again, gently being settled down into the tub. "i found a few bandages in your kit that is available in your kitchen and placed them on your bed. wash up and i'll see you soon," he told you, planting a kiss to your temple and walked out of the washroom, then your quarters. 

you sat there in the tub, scrubbing your body with the bar of lavender soap and dipped your hair into the bubbly water, getting it soaked up. you washed off the dry blood on your skin and then lathered your hair, the scent of peppermint shampooing into all of it. 

you hummed softly to yourself as you cleaned yourself all up, your legs pounding and feeling feeble, knowing you were going to have to push yourself through it. "next time, i'm gonna bite off his finger or head," you told yourself, washing out the shampoo that was bubbled up in your hair and groaned in irritation, double checking to see if all of you was perfectly cleaned off. 

you drained out the water and got out of the tub very slowly, taking it little by little. your teeth gnashed together and you hissed as you took your first step forward, wrapping a towel around your limp body. 

after a lot more hissing in pain, verge of breaking down and four painkillers, you made it to your bed and found the beforehand mentioned bandages there, applying them to where they needed to go. 

you put your hair up in the towel and scurried to your drawers, putting on a new thing of undergarments, tossing your other ones into a grey bin for washing. then, you took yourself into your closet, where you stood naked and looking for something nice to wear. 

"should i wear a short dress or a long one?" you asked yourself, your eyes choosing between the long satin dress of black or the short ruby colored silk one, your hand seizing for the black dress after a five minute debate of what to wear. 

for the next hour, you got entirely ready. you did your hair— which was an odd task for you to do because you'd casually let it be the way it was— and then applied the barest amount of makeup to your face, but enough to make you stand out. there were faded bruises on your arms you could see, yet ignored it, knowing it would be only you and kylo for the night. 

as you slipped on the satin dress, your mind remembered the event that happened a few hours ago, where you came to a showdown with your dark self and it was a spiraling void you thought you'd never get out of. your body quivered to the memory and sniffled, not wanting to ruin your makeup. 

you knew you were going to have to tell kylo soon, or he'd yank it out of your mind. 

with your dress finally on, you checked yourself in the mirror and discovered your dress had a slit in it, which gave off the showing of your right leg. you smiled widely and your feet padded into your closet, getting the pair of black strapped heels you had. you put on the heels and went rushing back to your mirror, your hands fiddling with each other. 

"okay, let's go!" you said, giving yourself a thumbs up in the mirror and headed out of your room, your heels clicking on the floors. your appearance caught the attention of the knights, their eyes widening and all jumped up from sitting, speechless. 

"you look absolutely stunning," vicrul complimented and you blushed, thanking him. "is it too much? i feel like the dark red lipstick is too much," you told them and they shook their heads, checking you out quickly. "stop stripping me with your eyes or ren will kill you."

"we should get going. master ren doesn't like to wait and hates when someone is late," ushar acknowledged and you hummed, being in the middle of the whole bundle as you all headed out of your quarters. it was a normal thing now that they protected you with their bodies and you _had_ to stay in the middle of them or they would think you'd get hurt if you didn't. 

"what is ren exactly planning? i hate surprises and just overthinking the whole thing is making me lose my mind," you uttered and vicrul chuckled amusingly, clicking his tongue to the roof of his mouth. "i need to know."

"he didn't tell us anything, actually. he only simply told us to get you and accompany to you where he is particularly at," ap'lek spoke up and you nodded, all of you shoving into the elevator. the doors sealed close and transported you to the middle level, which wasn't a very far journey, being only a few docks below you. 

silence caved in and you stood there, the sound of a whirlwind conclusion being heard in the ears of you all. the doors parted themselves and the level was sort of empty, with officers and stormtroopers leaving it in a urgent way. 

vicrul led the way out, the rest of you following right behind him and the passing officers stared you down, slight disgust on their face but tried to make it unnoticeable. you had the urge to punch or beat them to death, flipping one of them off as she walked by. 

"why are they all such assholes?" you asked, scoffing and rolled your eyes annoyed, folding your arms over your chest. "well, you are master ren's prisoner and get a treatment that they all never will. as i can sense, they're jealous," ushar explained and you laughed, placing a hand over your chest.

you found it hilarious that the female officers were jealous of you and despised you, just because you were under the submission of their supreme leader. you could coo or mock a pout to them, laughing louder and the knights didn't say anything more, just listening to you.

you eased off the laughing when you reached two hatch doors, that were larger than the elevator ones and the knights stayed behind, as you walked forward. "enjoy, miss," vircul said and disappeared with the knights when you peaked behind your shoulder before you could even say goodbye to them. 

you walked into a very large room, the lights dim but the scent of vanilla candles got your nose and hummed in delight, your eyes casting to the window that showed all of the galaxy. you could see all of the stars, distant planets and the moon, finding beauty in it all. 

"you're here," ren's voice came from the side of you, your head turning to the sound of it and he was in the outfit he always wore, just with a cloak over it. "you look ethereal, little flower," he mused and you smiled, his lips kissing your cheek when he was standing in front of you. 

multiple candles were displayed in each corner of the room, giving off a bright light and your smile slowly creeped off your face, going into a thin line. "what's all this?" you asked and ren grinned, his hand cupping your left cheek, caressing it with his thumb. 

"as you remember, i told you that i had planned to tell you everything after the resistance and the scavenger had fallen, and that still is the truth," ren said and you nodded, listening to him closely. "and you asked if i was serving another master. i have other plans and ideas in mind, that palpatine doesn't know about."

you raised a brow. "is that all?"

"i want you to take the throne with me. we can go to palpatine together and kill him. he may know everything else, but what he does not know that we're a dyad in the force, two that are one," he avowed and you swallowed thickly, knowing he was serious about wanting the emperor death and wanted you by his side. "but i'm not serving him."

"i don't get it," is all you said.

ren took a few steps back and his hand that was stroking your cheeks a few seconds ago, grabbed your hand. your eyes took in every single action and movement he was making, your heart racing. 

he kissed the back of your hand and let it go, kneeling down to you. he kneeled, and your heart sunk. he knelt to you like as if you were snoke, seeing the certain resemblance of that day you and him went to his throne room. 

kneeling meant he vowed his life to you and would honor you wholeheartedly. he was kneeling and hung his head down for a few seconds, before slowly lifting it up to lock eye contact with you. 

he was kneeling before you.

"i give all of myself to you, as one person and one soul. with every bit and piece of me, i will devote my life to you. i shall be forbidden to the darkness of afterlife if i betray or let you down, and i make that into an oath. i oath that to my heart, and will do anything for you. i trust you," ren declared and you looked down into his eyes, his words making your heart flutter. 

the supreme leader saw his life purpose as you and you smiled small, as he stayed kneeling there. you had to think of what he said and everything he had told you since the day you became his prisoner. 

you thought of all the good and bad memories, your heart having conflicted emotions to it. you had always thought you'd kill the enemy, yet the enemy was kneeling before you and willing to sacrifice his life for you. on top of all the memories, the only moment you could think of was this one and your smile grew wider.

and you knew the person kneeling, wasn't a supreme leader to the first order nor the jedi killer, kylo ren. no— you could see and feel the smallest of light in him. the person kneeling before you was ben solo. 

ben solo was starting to flourish. 

you held out a hand for him, and he willingly took it, as you stood him up. "you've only done that with your masters. i never thought you'd kneel to me," you confessed and the two of you were the slightest of few feet apart. 

"i knew it was the only way to show you how much you meant in my life, and i have no shame to kneel before you," ren said and you smiled, your hand slipping away from his. "i would never want you to kneel before me."

you stood there, blinking and thinking. he didn't want you kneeling or bowing to him because he already knew how much you loved and cared about him. 

but you did it anyways. you put yourself down on both knees, head bowed down and hands folded onto your lap. "please take all of me if i ever betray you, supreme leader. _i submit to you_ ," you avowed and ren's body had never felt goosebumps take over his skin before until now. until you finally honored your submission to him. "i bow and kneel before you, as i am willing to take the throne. i submit all of who i am to you."

you knew what you were saying and didn't regret what words were spewing out of your mouth. the last time you did a proud declaring to someone, it was to the resistance and that was years ago. 

ren's hand settled on the top of your head, stroking your hair softly and slowly, a grin on his face. you could feel his contentment in your body and he ordered for you to stand, which you did in a heartbeat. 

"you didn't need to kneel, darling," ren said and you nodded, humming in response. you know you didn't need to, but did it anyways. "then why did you?"

"because i love you."


	19. chapter nineteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘮 𝘮𝘦  
> 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘳𝘮 𝘮𝘦  
> 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘪'𝘮 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘷𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘴
> 
> 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨  
> 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨  
> 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰'𝘷𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘪 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘰𝘮 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳  
> ( WHITE FLAG - THE RIGS )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter heavily inspired by these violent delights ch. 18 & new writing format! enjoy lovelies of this long chapter i wrote... ALSO I DIDNT REVISESKFHSKJFH

a week had passed since your submission to kylo ren, but not to the first order. you and kylo had come to the acknowledgement that you had bowed before him, not the first order.  
  
  


the only person who wasn't proud or happy to hear of your capitulation was general armitage hux. you knew he'd be a sourpuss, but he'd get over it sooner than later. hux hated your guts more than anything, especially from the second your being had stepped a foot onto the finalizer.  
  
  


you were forced into a conclave, sitting in between the knights of ren. "is this the part where he acts very demanding?" you asked to ushar in a hush tone, whom chuckled behind his mask and shook his head. "you don't find ren scary?"  
  
  


"he is not acting, miss ren," ushar muttered and you rolled your eyes, slouching in your seat. their was a small pout on your face, raising your hand and you could hear a muffled sighed coming out of ren's mask.   
  
  


ren gazed at you. "problem?"  
  
  


"is this almost over? i'm hungry and tired," you said and all heads of generals snapped your way, disgust on their face. you stared blankly at them and shrugged, blinking in wondrous. "can i help you? a girl isn't allowed to be exhausted?"  
  
  


"ren, it seems your pet is highly disrespectful and _still_ rebel scum. may she be excused?" hux asked and you flipped him off, grabbing vicrul's weapon. "ren! supreme leader!"  
  
  


"no! weapon _down_!" ren barked the order and you groaned, rolling your eyes. you pushed the weapon back into vicrul's arms, folding your own over your chest and slouched in your chair.   
  
  


"ginger ale is the one being a complete asshole to me! seriously hux, what the fuck is your problem?" you spat and vicrul laid a hand on your back, trying to find a calm sense in you. you glared back and forth between hux and ren, who both had the gut to rip your head off. "hux is just a fucking cocksucker."   
  
  


"enough!" ren yelled, slamming his fist down onto the table and a dimple was made into it, your whole being flinching in response. "your irreverence is intolerable and for that, you are suspended from meetings until i say so."  
  
  


you bursted up from your seat. "that's no fair!"  
  
  


"we will talk in your quarters. knights, walk her back and stay with her," ren demanded and you smiled in a dumbbell manner, flipping off everyone. you stormed out of conference chambers, the knights herding behind you and you were filled with rage. "fucking hux, dude! like i apologize for breathing your fucking air or that ren isn't sucking your dick, but nothing is my fault."  
  
  


"general hux will come around, miss. be patient and wait," vicrul gave you hope that you shrugged off, going into the elevator and they were at the back of you, the doors shutting. "are you excited for tonight, miss?"  
  
  


you turned around, staring in curiosity. "what?"  
  
  


"master ren didn't inform about the gala event on corellia?" vicrul asked and you shook your head, a brow raised. vicrul apologized and your eyes could begin to start hurting from how much you rolled them, the elevator coming to a stop with its doors opening up.  
  
  


you walked out of them and barged into your own chambers, a tantrum arising in you. you huffed, plopping your whole body onto your couch and shoved your face into your pillow, screaming. "do you need anything?" ushar asked, sitting on the ground and leaned his back on the couch, his fingers running through your hair. "you are upset with master ren."  
  
  


"i wouldn't say upset. i'm only have absolute memories of when him and i first encountered each other, and it's all eating me inside. and is wrong for me to say, i still feel bad for betraying the resistance?" you wondered, words muffled into the pillow and ushar froze for a second, thinking greatly for a right answer.   
  
  


"no. you were loyal to them, and you expected for them to treat you like a pure being, not a weapon or object for them. but they lied and nearly killed you," ushar recalled and you scoffed, remembering that terrifying nightmare.   
  
  


in that cell, you were cold and counted down the days to your death. you made scenarios in your head of what would happen if you died or if kylo gave up on looking for you. you wondered if the resistance were truly good people and you were just a rotten apple in the bunch of them. you always knew you'd die, but never in the hands of the resistance. you imagined dying an honorable death and you did want to be remember. you didn't know why, but you wanted to. you wanted to let people know you existed and were alive, not being some other soul in the entire galaxy.   
  
  


you spent years and years with the resistance, as you became their most skillful and trained fighter. you were smart in medical, engineering, piloting and beyond those. you thought with all the wisdom that consumed you daily, you wouldn't be a legend, yet a story to tell. a story that kids wanted to hear before their parents kissed them goodnight. a story where people awed at your name and remembered how you lived.   
  
  


you knew it was a selfish way to think, but it's how you did. in the reality of everything, the only people who would remember you were the ones that fought beside your side and sacrificed themselves for you. you wanted to be more than just a resistance fighter. you'd live and die, just like anyone else, and only a few would know your story.   
  
  


you only imagined death and a untold story of yourself.   
  
  


"but the things kylo did.." you trailed off your sentence, flopping onto your back and stared at the ceiling. you thought of all the things ren had done to you. they weren't delightful or pleasant. they were sinister and vile acts of the devil, yet you fell into a trap that bit at your ankles and kept you hostage.  
  
  


you were his prisoner, and you still felt that way due to the very lack of freedom he granted you with. he could say the three words and eight letters, and you would _still_ feel like a hostage to him.  
  
  


in it all, between the lines, kylo ren would always have cruel intentions with you. he could deny it and try to manipulate you, but it was the only truth you had ever known or been told.  
  
  


your eyes casted to your hatch door that opened and ren appeared to your sight. he gave a signal to the knights, whom scurried out of your chambers and left you alone with their master. ren didn't have his mask on, his cloak off and you sat up on your elbows, taking your eyes away from his.   
  
  


"general hux is still a sourpuss and whiny bitch," you mumbled under your breath, exhaling heavily and ren careened to your direction, squatting down besides you. you didn't want to be near him or talk to him.   
  
  


you enjoyed being alone, because that's all you've ever known and were use to. loneliness was your darkest company, and almost the friendliest. you despite it, but it was a best friend that taunted you and when you'd try to let it go, it clawed it's nails deeper into you.   
  
  


ren didn't say anything more to you, only kissing the side of your head and you didn't act nor showed any emotion. you were blank and unreadable. "get ready, little flower. we have to attend an important event," ren said and you laid on your side, your back facing him. shaking your head. "if i have to count or drag your ass to your bedroom, i have no problem doing so."  
  
  


"i don't want to go."  
  
  


"one."  
  
  


"stop."  
  
  


"two."  
  
  


"you're an ass!" you yelled, hastily standing up and shoving past him, marching into your bedroom. "and don't come in! just have your knights escort me as they always do!" you yelled, going into your closet and stood there for a solid ten minutes, lazily looking at all the dresses you had.  
  
  


if it was a gala, it'd be fancy and souls of the wealthy would be attending. champagne would sparkle it's stars and laughter would fill the crowd. it all sounded _irritating_ to you.   
  
  


you'd be able to mope and groan later, needing to do this simple task for ren. you could possibly tug him away from the party and people just to have some alone time with him.   
  
  


ren was always occupied and busy, being a constant absent person in your life. you already grew with abandonment, and didn't need ren to add onto that issue, sighing deeply to the thought of it.   
  
  


your hand snatched for the strapless satin dress in red that was very long, the end of propping down to the grounds , seeing the open back design on it where a single tie brought everything together. "hopefully my tits look great in these," you mumbled, laying the dress on your bed and got heels in the same color. you didn't know how to certainly style your hair, only brushing it and your fingers picked at your locks for slight fixing.   
  
  


you covered your face with the barest of natural makeup, only your red lipstick standing out. after all, red was slowly becoming your signature look. after the basics of getting prepared for a gala were completed, you put on your dress and your fingers fiddled with the breast part, stuffing them.  
  
  


"stay in there for the night and one of you fall out, it's the end," you talked to your breasts, brows drawn lowly and you perked your head up, checking yourself out in your mirror. "oh fuck, the heels!"  
  
  


you sat on the end of your bed, slipping on the heels and tightened the straps around your ankles, pursing your lips in thought. you got up and did a last look in the mirror, flattening down your dress and were proud of yourself.   
  
  


a soft knock was planted at your hatch door, using your force to gracefully open it and ren appeared, in a different wardrobe. it was very different from what he occasionally wore and your eyes widen, your heart rate tracking up.   
  
  


kylo ren wore an entire black suit, head to toe, no cloak or mask attached to any part of it. his raven locks were free in their natural curls and his beautiful scar made him look more captivating than he normally was.   
  
  


he had a velvet box in his hand and your brow raised to it, looking at him. "is there a blaster in there?" you asked jokingly and he hummed in amusement, taking steps towards you. his hand opened it up the moment he was only a few inches away and your eyes got the view of admirable, luxurious jewelry.   
  
  


it was sapphire red dangling earrings styled in a yard chain format and a matching necklace. "may i?" you wondered, wanting to put on the earrings yourself and he nodded, your fingers grazing the sapphire. you put them on and they gleamed in the direction of light.   
  
  


ren got the necklace, taking it out of the box and laid the velvet holding on your bed. you turned around, lifting up your hair and ren slowly put the necklace on you, staring at yourself in the mirror as he did. he clipped it at the end, adjusting it suitably and stood behind you, his hands on your waist.   
  
  


you felt out of place, yet elegant and pretty. ren _knew_ how to make you feel like royalty. "oh, it's lovely, kylo," you mused, sighing contently and your hand laid over the necklace, ren's lips kissing your shoulder. "you must have begin to figure out how much i adore the color red."  
  
  


"it suits you, princess. and there's one more piece," ren said and your hatch door reopened, the knights of ren dressed formal to the nicest extent. vicrul held a tiara in his hand, giving it to his master whom placed the item of beauty onto your head and you did indeed feel a bit spoiled.   
  
  


"thank you so much, ky," you blurted the nickname and ren smiled small, a curt nod given to you. "do we leave now?"  
  
  


"yes, darling. knights, if you may," ren said and they nodded, taking on the guidance of leaving the finalizer.  
  
  


within uncountable minutes and one simple elevator transporting, you all got to the level flooring of the docking bay, and only to be greeted with hux's despising face. "ren, you really believe you could make rebel scum an empress?" hux asked as everyone walked furthermore, and he careened with the group of you by the side of kylo's. "in her blood, she's a rebellion and could betray us at any given moment."  
  
  


you took your chance of stepping in front of ren and hux, everyone freezing in their tracks. "if you think i'm unfit to command or become an empress, issue the challenge and problem, and let's get on with it," you spat, words spewing between your bitten teeth and were beyond than just fed up with hux. "if you're threatened by a female having power and ruling, you're an incel whom is exasperating. now listen carefully— the second i become empress, you're fucking _dead_."  
  
  


"i'd kill you first, rebel _scum_ ," hux emphasized and you smiled, extorting your force to his neck, seeing how he choked on his own breath and words.   
  
  


"your incivility is horrendous and your act is arrogant," you snarled and ren grinned, lifting a signaling hand. "it's enough when i say it's enough, ren."  
  
  


"he's got the idea, princess. no _more_ ," ren said and you scoffed, letting hux go. the general collapsed to your feet and you looked down at him, putting your foot right onto the back of his head, pushing him further down. he could taste the filthy ground and face was smushed into it.   
  
  


"next time, you'll be licking my shoe," you warned and everyone walked over him, taking the continue path to the docking bay. feet padded and assaulted the ground with heavy strides, the command shuttle's ramp lifted down. you and ren were in front of the knights, eyes of officers, generals and stormtroopers on you only.   
  
  


you were the first to head into the command shuttle, sitting in the co-pilot seat and adjusted bits of your dress. the conditioning inside the space transport was freezing, your arms tingling and goosebumps arose on your skin.   
  
  


ren revived the engines to life, the knights taking their own seats and kylo took his seating, focused on getting the event urgently. silence caved in, the hums of the engines rolling with the quietude. your body relaxing in your seat. you didn't know what the night would exactly consist of and didn't know anyone that were scattered all across the galaxy.   
  
  


the thought of being in a fresh crowd of people made your stomach turn into knots. you had a bad luck of getting happy moments with kylo ren, because when you did, it'd ruin in a blink. you hoped nothing would breakout or a destructive scene would happen.   
  
  


you shook off the bad scenario, though it played constantly in your head. you rather much be in your quarters, with ren and laid together in your bed. you wanted his comfort and warmth, as his fingers ran through your hair and kissed you asleep.   
  
  


a frown ran across your lips, sighing in thought to it and ren jumped the command shuttle into hyperspace. the shuttle rumbled, trembled and roared, a sudden leap in it when the hyperspace vanished. your eyes got the greatest glimpse of corellia, your frown breaking into a smile of warmth.  
  
  


the command shuttle broke into the atmosphere of corellia, eyes taking in all of the existence and beauty that the planet vibrated with. "hey, do you think i can steal you away from the people and whatnot?" you asked ren in a lowered voice, searching his face for any answer. "i just feel as if we don't see each other as much ever since the medbay."  
  
  


"we'll see," ren intoned and you nodded, your breath quavering. it was an answer that was hesitate and doubtful. you were sure you had scared him off with your feelings, and he started to have a change at heart. you refused to overthink it, but there were puzzle pieces that fitted together.   
  
  


the command shuttle took a heavy landing on the grounding outside of the elegant skyscraper that surely had fifty floors. musics of trumpets and pianos played, echoing their comforting sounds. you had a desirable thirst for champagne, finding yourself hopping out of your seat with a bounce and could feel ren's callous hand of ice touch your bare back.   
  
  


"i can walk myself," you grumbled, rolled your eyes and lifted your brows in acknowledgment, vicrul having the ramp lift down. "can someone escort me to the bar please?"  
  
  


"we have only been here for a minute or two," cardo said and you ignored him, striding down the ramp, straight to inside the mayhem. ren demanded for his knights to stay close to you for the entire night, needing to take care of business and talk to a few people.   
  
  


people were heading into the skyscraper, everyone on different levels of the structure. these were the people you were in spite of, all of them being snobby and rich, selfish assholes. these people weren't your crowd and no matter how hard you tried to fit in now, you wouldn't be able to do it. you were a nobody, and came from nothing.   
  
  


people were in awe of your dress, men drooling at the sight of you and this made kylo angry in the easiest way possible. the weather in corellia was chilly, wind breezing through the alluring planet, that was hated and loved upon everyone or anyone who didn't blend in with the wealthiest creatures to humans alive.  
  
  


the knights hurried upon your walking, quick to almost lose you in the crowd of happy people. with a single step in, you took in everything you saw, smelt and heard. your eyes observed each person in the room. every woman wore expensive jewelry, lipsticks on and dresses gleaming with their poor, bitter personalities. men gambled, drinking the strong venom that gets you to see stars if you have too much and the women applauded them with their success of gambling.yet, those weren't the elites of the galaxy. the elites drank martinis, did the most violent drugs and treated the servers poorly.  
  
  


this wasn't your crowd. it would never be your crowd.  
  
  


you remembered hux's words from the finalizer, as he emphasized of how you'd always be a resistance fighter, nothing more. even if you were ever crowned or titled an empress, you would still have rebel scum blood inked into you. it'd never go away.  
  
  


you weren't use to this lifestyle of fancy events where these people didn't have any cares or fucks in the entire galaxy. these people never faced a challenge in their life or know what it's like to try save their home. you were use to fighting the first order, blasting things and killing stormtroopers. you had never been anywhere else outside of the resistance. you had been a resistance fighter your entire life, nothing beyond and below that.   
  
  


you had apprehended the reality around you, waking up to it and were still at the entrance. your legs dragged you to the bar, the knights of ren babysitting you and it irked you. "leave me alone! ren won't find out if you left me alone or not," you told them, sitting down on a barstool and ordered a glass of the stars. "i'm fine, really. i'm only here for him.. though everything and anything i do for him isn't ever enough."  
  
  


your glass was brought to you under a minute, your fingers grabling the glass and took a sip of the champagne, the sensational sparkles of it running down your throat. you moaned softly, tongue and throat at awe. you settled the glass back down, staring at the bubbles inside of it that shimmered.   
  
  


"you cannot drink much tonight. master ren prohibits it, along with drugs," ushar said and you turned around, glaring at them individually. "you may only smoke a single cigarette and have three glasses of only one alcoholic beverage."  
  
  


"i didn't know he had more orders in mind," your words mumbled when you took the next sip, wondering if you could get the next round of champagne. "i'll start listening to kylo when he begins to listen to me. other than that, i'll do as i please."  
  
  


"miss, you may want to obey. we know how master ren is, and we wouldn't like to hear you wail or sob because of him," vicrul spoke strictly and finished up the first glass, moving on to the next. you hiccuped, looking and turning away from them. "we don't want to interrupt master ren for your disobedience, but we will if you refuse to listen."  
  
  


"then get him, i don't care! he doesn't give a fuck anymore," you shouted, the music growing louder and the laughters sounded like torn screams. you shot down your second glass of champagne, getting up from your seat and pushed your way through the knights. "i'll be back. don't come looking for me."  
  
  


you gave them a warning glare, suffocating in the chaos of happiness and excitement, everyone just smiling and laughing. you couldn't tell if their plastic faces were forcing a smile that was different from their eyes.   
  
  


men screamed in accomplishment of their fifth round of gambling, strangers talking or kissing each other. in every direction or corner you looked to, there was something new happening.   
  
  


it took you minutes to get out of the crowd, having ringing in your ears from strangers yelling and found a elevator. your finger pushed onto the single button, standing there in patient and watched the level counting. the doors of the elevators peeled apart, yourself careening into it and it shut instantly.  
  
  


you didn't care of the knights or even ren losing track of you, forbidding your mind to remind you of the fact you didn't even know where the hell he was at in the giant skyscraper. you just needed to get lost for a second, and take a breather to what new world you were brought into.  
  
  


you went to the fifteenth level of the structure, which was a mellow, empty floor and the doors opened about minutes later. the skyscraper only had a few elevators inside its walls and a patio that gave off all of corellia. you took yourself to the patio, leaning upward against the ledge and arms crossed on it, taking in the cold wind.   
  
  


you admired the stars, that scintillated and coruscated throughout the entire galaxy, your face kissed by the moonlight that radiated it's bright glow. you chuckled to yourself, shaking your head and could hear someone's feet coming to you.   
  
  


"who is it that's bothering me now?" you asked.   
  
  


"just me, miss," ushar said and you looked over your shoulder, noticing he was alone. you rolled your eyes, shaking your head playfully and went back to admiring the night sky that laid above you. "ren will start looking for you."  
  
  


"then let him. there's not much he can do," you told him and scoffed, ushar standing next to you. you both stared at the lovely nightfall and wished you could kiss upon it. you wanted to touch every star that flickered and winked at you. "sometimes i regret bringing myself into all this mess."  
  
  


"what do you mean, miss?"  
  
  


"if i didn't try killing him when he attacked our base, i'd be with the resistance still. but at the exact time when i think about it, if i was with them, i'd never know their true colors or found out the truth of whom my parents were or who's blood ran through my body," you explained and ushar tucked his hand inside of his blazer, tugging something out of it.   
  
  


a flask.   
  
  


"how does kylo _not_ know you have this?" you asked as ushar handed it to you and he smiled widely. you opened up the cap, popping it off and took a sip of the strong whiskey that was inside of it. "why do you have this, ushar!"   
  
  


ushar bursted out into a laughter. "it's my energizer, and he doesn't know because i always have it tucked away, regardless of what i am doing," he answered and you took a smaller sip, giving it back to him.   
  
  


ushar was different from the other knights, in a very good way. though their own purposes were to serve to kylo ren, the dark side and the first order, ushar was a bright smile. he was always kind to you and made sure you were okay on those days when kylo was gone. he was a tough rock and intimidating soul around his brothers and master, but with you, he'd protect you in a heartbeat and do anything to make you smile.   
  
  


"i'm glad you'll stick around forever," ushar confessed and you nudged him gently with your elbow, resting on your head on his shoulder a few seconds after. "and you deserve more and better, miss. master ren may not say it, but you are a lovely soul whom the galaxy or anyone doesn't deserve."   
  
  


"trust me, ushar, i have my flaws and imperfections. i'm no saint," you uttered and he chuckled, nodding. ushar laid his head on top of yours, the two of you going back to stargazing. "thank you for being there."  
  
  


"thank you for letting me," ushar responded, a small smile on both your faces and a small indistinct cough ruined the comforting moment. both heads lifted up and spun around in a snap, only to see kylo. "i'll let you two discuss."  
  
  


ushar walked passed ren with a nod and you were left alone. ren came closer to you and you gave him a faint smile, holding your hands. "my knights will be talked to about how horrible they are on keeping an eye on you," ren said and you chuckled weakly, nodding.   
  
  


"i thought you were taking care of business," you remembered and he nodded, towering over you suddenly. your heels only gave you the height to reach his shoulders and ren hummed in response, every emotion pricking at his face vague. "this night is more boring than i expected."  
  
  


"you can always join my knights at a booth," ren offered and you stared at him, blinking confused. "there's a reserved booth."  
  
  


"n—no.. i don't want to join your knights. i've been around them ever since i got out the medbay, and barely once have seen your godforsaken face. i always wonder where you are, only to find out your withheld in fucking meetings," you stated briefly, your eyes ripping away from his and only the sky could calm you in the easiest sense. "sometimes, i believe you just said those things so i could fall for you deeper."  
  
  


"that's false, sweetheart," ren said.  
  
  


"is it? is it really? i wouldn't be surprised if you were taking my feelings for advantage and glad i turned my back on the resistance," you postulated, glaring at him with a side-eye and ren took in a deep breath, trying to calm his bubbling anger.   
  
  


"why don't you two cut the horseshit and get to the part where you admit your sexual feelings for each other?" ushar randomly popped up and you got startled, ren glowering at his disruptive knight.   
  
  


"you are way off base, buddy!" you yelled, shaking your head and groaned, snatching the flask from inside of ushar's blazer.   
  
  


"oh spare _me_! yes, he's brute— i know! he may remind you of someone awful from  
your past and whatnot! but you would just like for him to understand you and care! yet, let's be honest— you want him to bang you until you're seeing stars!" ushar exclaimed and you nodded with a shrug, as his head snapped at ren. "and for you, master ren— _ha_! you're just a baby who covers up his intentions and feelings by being angry and mean, because if you show true colors, you think you might get hurt again! boohoo!"   
  
  


"ushar—"  
  
  


"i'm not finished! and now, rather admitting those damn feelings, you're dancing around one another with this fucking mind-numbing and _frankly_ boorish mating ritual! so please, for the sake of you two and us all, either quit the bickering or start tearing off those clothes, and get to it with the fucking!" ushar berated and you froze there with ren, both of you thinking deliberately. you swallowed the boulder in your throat, mouth open but no words forming.   
  
  
  


"we are in public," ren spoke up and you smacked him in the chest, furrowing your brows. "and ushar, i appreciate your thoughts, and we will discuss this when we are _back_ on the finalizer."   
  
  


ushar snatched the flask away and tucked it away, adjusting his blazer. he stormed off in a blink.

"those things you said to me in the medbay.. did you mean it?" you asked and ren's eyes prolonged into you, as you tried to seek answers in them. you wanted to scrap every bit of his mind to know what was really going on, but he blocked you out and away from it. he pushed you away from the honest truth. "did you mean it, kylo?"

the silence he gave you was worse than any truth you had been told in your life. the silence clawed at you, leaving it's red marks and tore you apart into the littlest pieces of life. you could drown or burn in the silence, that stabbed at your heart more than an knife ever did. 

"i want to go home," you said.

"i'll have my knights—"

"no. i want to go home— with the resistance. i want to go," you demanded in an undertone, tears welling in your eyes and stung when you blinked to recollect them. "please.. i'm done with this game of ours. it's a sickening game of lies and lust."

ren sighed, lowly. "i can't let that happen. you've already declared your submission."

"i don't want to be around a liar, who plays with my heart as a seesaw. everything between us and your feelings towards me. and you don't love me, so i beg to go home," you said and ren only thought to himself for uncountable seconds to minutes, leaning his face slightly close into yours. "and you never give me freedom, either."

"freedom.." he whispered to himself and lips were only two feet apart, his hands stuffed into his pockets. "freedom," he repeated but more hush, as if he was talking to himself.

"if you trust me, you'd give me my freedom, where i wouldn't need the knights or you observing my every point move," you flared. "all i ask for is trust and freedom."

"we should head back into the crowd. i don't want a scene to be caused," ren brushed off what you had said, his hand firmly gripping onto your wrist and tried to yank you with him, but you refused.

"let go of me!" you yelled in a breath. 

"let's not cause a scene," ren said, more harsher and darker. his hold got tighter and blood circulation was getting cut off. the tears in your eyes flowed out freely and tried to rip his hand away, only for it to get harder. "stop fighting."

you could see the man kylo ren was when you first approached him. when you first were under his captivating. you could see violence, chaos and anger all in one. you could see a vicious man who would do selfish acts, only considering his own feelings for everything.

"you're home is with me!" ren said, sounding almost as if he was trying to convince his own self. he sounded hesitate and unaware of what words spewed outside of his mouth. his hand was leaving a mark on your wrist, a soon bruise forming in the exact spot. "and you're my empress."

"i want to go home," you sobbed. "please."

you thought everything was different than it was in the beginning. you thought ren was genuinely caring and easy towards you. your mind raged with thoughts, and knew you only thought what you thought, so you could make yourself believe them. 

you believed kylo ren wasn't the monster everyone claimed he was, and was just broken. broken into millions of shattered pieces of glass, that seemed unfixable, even if you were able to put all the piece together in the right order, it would not hold together.

but here's the beautiful thing about shattered glass—when you let the light in, it will create a beautiful rainbow and illuminate the darkness. 

you held onto the fragment hope and faith for him, but it wasn't enough.

you were sobbing and falling apart right in his arms, as he didn't bother to hold onto the pieces. your wrist freely fell out of his hand and you massaged it, putting it close to your chest. "i gave you my trust, and acknowledged it to your eyes. i gave you every minimal piece of him, and laid my heart in your hands," you croaked, voice breaking with your heart and could feel everything crash down onto you. "i thought everything was different now, kylo."

"they are," ren said. "they are. but i—"

"there should be no _buts_ , ren. i want to be free and live up to the fullest that i can," you urged, tears staining your cheeks and ren was mute, his lips curling inwards to his mouth. "we should be over this and everything more— of you owning me until i've lost myself."

"i don't own you," ren stated. "but i just need you to be patient."

"all i have ever been is patient! i wait and wait, where time feels slower and i'm rotting away. what do i need to be patient for, when you should trust me as much as i trust you?" you wondered, blubbering with sobs.

ren sighed. "please, little flower—"

"no, tell me why! i don't understand anymore. what has changed?" you asked and you could only see that barely anything had switched around within the single glance of your eyes surveying over kylo ren's.

nothing changed. just words and actions. 

you simply slapped him, the sound louder than bombs.

"i hate you, ren," is all you muttered and before you could make a full exit, he yanked you back to him. his facade was molded into wrath and betrayal— and you were scared for your life. "let me go, asshole!"

"you cannot go anywhere without me, do you understand? you are not allowed to be without me, at all! i _own_ you, and you're _my_ prisoner!" ren yelled and those were the final words you heard before the sound of explosions and piercing whirled their way into your ears. you mind went hazy, cold and dull. 

your vision was dark, only specks popping into it. you couldn't hear or understand anything. your heart thumped in echoes, and your mouth tasted of blood. you were stiff and broken on a grounding, your body aching.

your ears picked up on echoey shots and yells, groaning in pain. you couldn't move any part of you. you could feel your side bleeding and your eyes opened in the slowest rate. your vision was blurry, the black specks still in them. 

you could make out what was in the sky— _the resistance._

you coughed and smoke filled in your lungs, using the little strength in you to get up. your scalp was bleeding, being sure you had broken a ribcage or maybe two and your skin would be marked with bruises of all colors the next day. the ground beneath you swayed and rumbled, spitting blood out of your mouth. 

"kylo.." you whispered, your eyes frantically searching for him and found his body thrown across from where you were. you limped and crawled to him, coughing. the skyscraper of elegance, had become destruction and was breaking down from blaster shots. "kylo.. can you hear me?"

your body was too weak and feeble, covered in smoke, dust and blood. with every limp you took to him, your body ached more and more. you had to get to him before it was too late. 

your body flattened on the damaged patio, and you stared at him. your mind was fogged and wailed. the knights of ren were nowhere in your sight, nor did one of them rush to see if you or their master were alright. 

your dress was ruined and the tiara was vanished. the crowd of happiness and laughter had switched to screams of horrors and terrors. 

and you wondered how the resistance knew where you were at. 

you stared coldly at the unconscious soul of kylo ren, and that's when you brain retracted you to what he had said. 

_i own you, and you're my prisoner._

prisoner, nothing more nor nonetheless. kylo ren was a monster, and darkness. a darkness you continuously fell in love with and gave light to, when it didn't want to be granted with such a thing. 

you swallowed your hallow breath and screamed his name to the top of your lungs. you screamed with whatever you had left in you, and screamed until your voice shredded. you screamed and begged for him to wake up. for him to wake up and take you with him. 

you were far separated from him and couldn't reach him with your weak body. your tears got caught in your throat and fell to the ground. you screamed and screamed, but there was no movement or response. 

"wake up!" you screamed in the final breath you could feel and release, and bright light shined over you. you looked up, only to see the falcon. the ramp was open and there was rey, sticking her compromising hand for you.

you looked at her hand for a second or two, your eyes casting back to kylo's broken form. you took a heavy, shaky inhale and stared at him. 

you mulled over everything between you and him. every thought and word, detail to detail. it was so imperfect and empty, that you wanted to cry. that's when everything around you, and time and the galaxy, was in slow motion of a blur. 

you could hear yourself breathing and heart racing with anger. you wanted to hope so badly he would change and become someone you imagined— but that was imagination. you could not make him something _or_ someone that he was not, especially when it disappeared years ago.

but you held onto what he had lost, and you wanted to keep it closer to you, yet time had ran out for that. time had ran out for everything and you took in the last inhale of thought.

you thought of all memories that were frantic. the memories pulled you under an asphyxiation of despair and agony. each and every word kylo had told you, replayed in the back of your mind. the memories were clearer than anything and written itself into your memory core. 

you never looked away from kylo ren's body and could envision everything. you could hear his words whispering into your ear, with a kiss to your cheek.

but there were the living nightmares— the manipulation, guilt and hell.

thoughts toppled on each other, losing a balance and could feel it coming to a collapse. you rewinded and play the memories in your head, one last time. 

and with every memory, all you could hear were those final words of kylo ren's.

_i own you, and you're my prisoner._

the millennium falcon lowered to your level and rey nobody got a glimpse of the condition you were in. she could see how broken and shattered you had become. she felt you distress and pain, with it cutting through her soul. 

"come on, you have to jump!" she yelled and held onto the ramp pole, her other hand sticking out for yours. you couldn't leave kylo, and knew he'd search to the ends of the galaxy if you left again. "come on!"

but you had to leave. you deserved freedom and more than what kylo ren brought to the table for you. the falcon had brought itself to your ground level and rey jumped off the ramp, scurrying hastily to your side. the side of your dress had been ripped open, blood leaking from it. she placed her hand on the wound and gave a bit of herself to you, a gentle exhale coming out between your parted lips. 

she helped you back onto the falcon, your legs wobbling and shaking, your arm around her shoulder for support. your mouth wouldn't stop tasting of blood and you hated it. you got onto the ramp and it shut behind the two of you, yourself falling to the ground. 

you sat there and broke down into weeps, stuffing your face into your dust-covered hands. 

the falcon was prepared to blast off into the galaxy and back to the resistance, but a strong pressure was holding it back. you stumbled to get back up, and rushed to the closest window, only to see kylo ren standing. his hand was reached to the falcon, fingers curling in and his voice spoke in your head.

" _come with me_ ," ren paused. " _come home."_

_this is home._

" _i was always meant to be your home,_ " ren pleaded. " _come back, little flower."_

you wanted to give in to everything he said, but you were exhausted and done. kylo ren had drained everything of you. you did love kylo ren, with everything you had inside of you. you loved him more than the sun loved the moon. you'd give him the galaxy in a hand reach, if it was possible. 

but you loved him so much, that you knew the right thing to do was let him go. let _yourself_ go. 

kylo ren's hand pulled back and the force was gone from his grasp, the falcon running away as fast and quick as it could before he could get another hold on it.

kylo ren watched you disappeared with the people you once called your enemies. his eyes noticed your tiara on the ground, squatting down and spat aside his saliva blood that pooled in his mouth. he clenched the tiara in his hand, eventually obliterating it into millions of pieces. 

he remained still, and looked back the night sky, as everything around him continue to explode, fall apart and corellia becoming a gloomy planet with the bloody screams. 

and you sat on the floor of the falcon, with your legs to your chest and hugged them close to you. you rested the side of your face on your knees and closed your eyes.

free, alas. 


	20. chapter twenty.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> faces from the past returned, memories are sparked and a soul finds the light again.

you laid in your bed, never switching position and stared at the bland wall. your body was sore and bruises never wanted to fade away, scars marked everywhere.   
  
  


it had been two weeks.   
  
  


everything around you passed by like a lightning storm and you could only be sunken into it. you looked lifeless as you laid in bed and only held the necklace that ren had given you, in your hand.   
  
  


you were suffocated by the memories of that night in corellia. your mind was trapped with the words of kylo's seconds before the resistance caused mayhem and collision to the lovable planet.   
  
  


you barely had any rest because of the haunting acts kylo ren did to you. your mind only played you the horrific memories, never the good. you'd wake up screaming and either rey or finn come into your room, holding you close.   
  
  


you wanted to forget everything. you wanted to forget from start to end, and scrap your memory. the memories of who kylo ren was stifled you, and your heart was able to break into more unfixable pieces.   
  
  


though anger and hatred filled your mind, you were ashamed and guilty of loving him, still. you wondered what was true and what were lies to trap you into his hold.   
  
  


your mind spun with thoughts and questions, clawing at you relentlessly. you need so much to stop. you needed the world around you to stop spinning and allow to breathe. you needed someone to hold you close and let you know everything would be okay. but you could beg and plead with your last breath and fallen tears, and nothing would stop.  
  
  


your body ached and heart stuttered, the words coming back to you.   
  
  


_i own you and you're my prisoner._   
  
  


you hadn't known if kylo ren had meant that. by the vexation and vile entangled into his voice, it seemed true. it seemed all the pretty words he had told you that night in the medbay were nothing, and he had continued to toy with your mind.  
  
  


you had felt sick to your stomach. it twisted into knots and your mind screamed at you for being foolish, for ever thinking that the supreme leader of the first order, would entirely love you with every bit of himself, just like you had to him.   
  
  


you gave kylo ren of whatever you had left you. surely he had broke you apart and used those shattered pieces of you to fix his own self, but you still loved him with the every littlest part of you. you put your fragile heart in his hand and instead of holding it close to him as if it was the most valuable item in the galaxy, he tore it and threw it back into your face.   
  
  


you mind traveled with various thoughts and assumptions, overthinking all of it. you tried to figure what was love and what was lust.   
  
  


you could only laugh so bitterly at you became so use to his actions and words. you became use to him as a person, and though the visible truth of who he was stood in front of your eyes, you ignored it and believed he was someone else or could be someone else.   
  
  


but that was fiction and imagination.  
  
  


you created this person of who he was in your head and fell in love with that imagery, instead of the reality of him as a whole person.   
  
  


there was a soft knock planted on your hatch door and it opened with a quick swift, seeing leia in the corner of your eye. "how do you feel, dear?" she asked, a metal bowl of soup in her hands and scuffled her way into your chambers, laying the dish on your small nightstand. you didn't look at her, only shrugging and she sighed. "you need to eat. rey made this for you."  
  
  


your lips were sealed, only humming.  
  
  


"i don't know what had happened between you and my son that night on corellia, but i can see it is damaging you," leia pointed out and you scoffed, shaking your head. you brought your blanket over your head and curled up into a ball. "though i may have lost him completely, i could feel him in every moment he was with you. the coldness that was all in him, had vanished when he was with you."  
  
  


"i told him i loved him," you muttered. "i fell in love with him, leia."  
  
  


"you were the only light he had knew and felt," leia said and your eyes were ready to bawl into the next set of sobs, cradling yourself into your blanket. "but, you cannot blame my son for the way he is. snoke got into his head."  
  
  


"snoke or not, kylo is a monster," you told her, tears catching themselves before they could fall out of your eyes. "and though he was, i still was able to love him."  
  
  


"he just has too much of his grandfather and snoke in him," leia stated briefly and you tugged away your blanket, sitting up. leia's heart sunk when her eyes got a full look of your face. your eyes were puffy and swollen, the whites in your eyes had became red. your lips were chapped and cracked. your hair was messy, no words to describe it. your cheeks were stained with past tears and your face had no emotion to it, only despair. "you are everything he had lost and killed in himself, and for that, you are the reason why i could slowly feel my son to start coming back."  
  
  


you smiled, just the slightest.  
  
  


"now eat up, dear. i will come back later and we need to start discussing the final mission plan," she said, getting up and your head snapped to her direction, your eyebrow raised in the highest curiosity.   
  
  


"what plan?" you asked.  
  
  


"he didn't tell you?" leia asked and you shook your head. she sighed heavily and rubbed your temple, her brows drawn lowly. "palpatine has risen from the dead due to some clone science, and on the planet of exegol. rey is trying to get ahold of the other one, and we only have the littlest of time to stop the first order before they become the final order."  
  
  


palpatine's plan— that's what ushar almost told you that night in your quarters. palpatine was back and you remembered ren had barely gave you any answers to what was happening. and that's why ren kneeled before you. he wanted you in on the plan sooner than later, and you'd be crowned empress the second he was able to destroy all of the resistance and the republic.   
  
  


it all made sense now.   
  
  


"i'll.. i'll be out there shortly," you muttered and she nodded, taking her leave immediately. you sat on the edge of your bed and thought to yourself momentarily, your body shivering to every flashing memory in your brain.  
  
  


"hello there!" a ecstatic man's voice spoke, a screech ripping out from your throat and popped up from your sitting, staring at the person. "you may already know who i am. and i apologize, sweetheart! my goodness, you have grown so much."  
  
  


"i'm losing my mind. i've officially lost it!" you exclaimed, chuckling amusingly, rubbing your eyes to think you were still half asleep and when you opened your eyes again, he was there, smiling.   
  
  


your grandfather, _obi-wan kenobi_ , was standing in _your_ room.   
  
  


"you fell in love with the enemy," kenobi began and you rolled your eyes, picking up the dish of soup that was on your nightstand, shoving the spoon into your mouth. "you know, with how you and kylo are, it oddly gives me the remembrance of padmé amidala and anakin skywalker."  
  
  


"yeah, but she ended up dead because of him, and if anything, kylo is like darth vader, not anakin," you said, feeding yourself more of the delicious soup. "like yeah, palpatine is in the picture, but that is it."  
  
  


"do you know why kylo ren is following through with the plan?" kenobi asked and you stared at him blankly, slowly shaking your head. "the emperor had told him that if he did not stick to the dark side and fulfill the legacy of his grandfather, you would end up dead. he is only doing it for your sake, dear."  
  
  


"why me? i'm sure with him being the constant asshole he is, he will only be doing this for himself," you said, a snarky smirk on your face.   
  
  


"he is doing it because he loves you, sweetheart. and i know from how much he has hurt you, that may not seem true, but it is. his purpose to fulfill the dark side is no longer because of vader— it is because of you. and you have the power to either stop it or let it all happen," he told you and you froze with the spoon in your mouth, the soup burning your tongue.   
  
  


"kylo ren doesn't love," you murmured and laid the bowl back down, sniffling. "why are you here? i've been trying to reach you and the other past masters for weeks now."  
  
  


"you need to go to exegol," kenobi said, smiling. "with the sith wayfinder."  
  
  


"i—i'm not going to exegol, and neither should anyone else. there should be alternative plans," you wondered and he walked close by to your side, his hands folded together. "there has to be other plans for the last mission."  
  
  


"the only way to stop palpatine and the final order from rising is to get to palpatine before kylo ren does," he said and you shook your head, refusing to that idea. it's not that you didn't want to help or save kylo ren's soul, but it was you were afraid of what could happen the second a bloodline kenobi stood in front of palpatine. "you're afraid."  
  
  


you scoffed and hummed.   
  
  


"you're afraid because you saw something before that's been writhing in your mind. tell me what is it," he said and you felt the ball in the base of your throat harden, nearly able to choke on it.   
  
  


"i had, uh, had a vision," you started off, blinking with the tears in your eyes. "of who was on the throne."  
  
  


"kylo ren?" kenobi asked, fingers fiddling at his beard. you could see how worried and curious your grandfather was, a weak smile given to him.   
  
  


"and me. him and i, there together for when the final order had risen," you confessed, a tide of goosebumps crashing your skin when you recalled that nightmare. "i never told him about that. i thought it was a silly occurrence or just i lost balance in the force, i don't know."  
  
  


"you didn't lose balance," kenobi said and you broke down into sobs, hanging your head down. he hugged you instantly and though he was a ghost, he felt real. he was the only family you had, and you clung your grandfather. "i know you love him, there is no need to be ashamed to that. if it makes you feel any better, his grandfather was completely in love with his grandmother."  
  
  


you chuckled softly, sniffling and his hand soothed your back. "you must go to exegol before he does and stop palpatine. it is the only choice," he told you and you got out of his embrace, wiping away your tears.   
  
  


you stared at him and nodded, a smile on his face. "and the force will always be with you, just as i am," kenobi spoke the last of his words before he misted into nothing and you looked at the spot where he was standing at.   
  
  


"general organa!" you yelled and careened out of your chambers with heavy steps, getting rid of the rest of your remaining tears. "general!"  
  
  


everyone of the reistsnace were in a frantic hast, fighters fixing up their x-wings and other people were on mapping. you saw leia talking with rose. you bolted her way, and she was taken aback of your sudden presence.   
  
  


"leia, i need to get to exegol, _now_. i have to go by myself," you said off the bat and she smiled apologetically, shaking her head. "i have to get to palpatine before kylo does, and if i don't, we are over with."  
  
  


"where did you get this idea?" she asked.  
  
  


"my grandfather.. i spoke with him," you answered, and rose excused herself, leia taking you aside of the large crowd. "please general— i know this is so much to ask for, but i need to."  
  
  


"going to exegol _alone_ is a suicide mission," leia stated. "and either way, you need the sith wayfinder to get there. rey should be returning shortly with it."  
  
  


"general, with all due respect, we don't have much time. at the minimum, we only have a few hours before the final order comes among us. and certainly, i will go without your permission," you enunciated, eyebrows furrowed and voice locked with dominance.   
  
  


"we have this handled, and you will not disobey orders," leia's words seethed through her gritted teeth and you planned to do the opposite. you stormed and marched to your chambers, a boiling fire in your blood, lips sunken into your mouth to every thought you had.   
  
  


you had to follow your grandfather's words, not leia's.   
  
  


you were willing to put up a fight and die for the resistance— die for kylo ren. you stripped out of the sleepwear you had been in for days now, a bin of clothes next to your nightstand.   
  
  


you changed into trousers of the color brown and put on a beige turtleneck, grabbing your jacket. you put it on and squatted down, tugging your boots onto your feet, your fingers hastily tying the laces. you were sure you had everything, besides a weapon, standing up from your position.

"maybe a blaster will help?" you wondered.

"it won't," a dark, husky voice approached behind you and got a whiplash from how fast you spun around.   
  
  


_kylo ren._   
  
  


his appearance wasn't dulled or broken. he didn't seem different— he seemed _normal_. typically, the normal he was in the seconds you were his prisoner and he'd smirk at his tortuous acts.   
  
  


"kylo.. i'm.." you kept thinking the rest of your sentence would emerge from the air passing through your vocal cords.   
  
  


all of ren's agony and pain had molded into simple anger, that was beyond the words of ire. you could see flames and betrayal laying in his brown eyes, and behind them, was something more destructive.  
  
  


your feet sticked to the ground beneath you, panic bubbling in your stomach. you knew ren was in regret of taking that chip out of your mouth the moment you returned back to the finalizer, as it was his first step to " _trusting._ "  
  
  


there was only an extensive duration of eye contact between you and him, seeing he was on the docking bay. the force had brought you and him together at the most unusual timing.   
  
  


"i've been looking for you. wherever you are, you are hard to find," he spoke in his monotoned voice that was effected by the mask he wore, that was covered in bright red lines that seemed to give off the visual of lava streams. "the scavenger has been located, and once i have killed her, then your family, you will be only _mine_."  
  
  


this was your only chance to get him to turn. you could put your fragments of hope into the black holes in his soul and heart.   
  
  


"who attacked us?" you asked, simply and plainly.  
  
  


"hux— he was a spy aboard and gave the resistance information of our whereabouts on corellia, where they presumed to attack. his intentions were to have you killed, so i'd grow weak and senseless. but i had him killed," ren said, stormtroopers' blasters pointing in your direction.   
  
  


you were still the enemy, somehow.  
  
  


"leia told me everything," you began with a simple breath. "is that why you said all those sweet nothings and knelt before me?"  
  
  


kylo ren could lie and say that was the truth to make the pain inside more bearable, yet knew it'd cause him to break even more, to the smallest pieces.   
  
  


his mouth became mute and no more words escaped between yours or his lips. no one moved a muscle or let go of a breath, everything caught inside you both. "it's not too late. there's still time," you said, a hopeful smile standing on your face. "you don't have to do this."  
  
  


"you know exactly why i am doing this, sweetheart. you know.." ren's voice trailed off into the tensing air, mingling together there for moments. "you'll take the throne and my hand."  
  
  


his hand proffered for yours and your eyes casted to them, breath shuddering.  
  
  


"i know the conflict in you has been tearing you apart and you want it to be resolved.. i can help you with that. let me help you, _ben_ ," his name slid off your tongue with remorse and grace, wrapping around him in a comforting mannerism.   
  
  


your eyes sunk into his, and for a man who's eyes had adapted to hatred and killing, they had became soft by yours.   
  
  


his hand stood out and you couldn't. you knew it was wrong and there could be another way.   
  
  


"i'm sorry, ben," you muttered and the eyes of delicacy had turned sinister. "i can't."  
  
  


before kylo ren could pounce at you, you had taken a step back and the force bond died away when you blinked.   
  
  


"ben," you whispered to yourself, almost as if he was still with you. you repeated his name over and over again, in the quietest of tones, closing your eyes. his name was a soft symphony, that was blessed with harmony and blessings.   
  
  


you knew you wouldn't have much time before you could get to him, and stop him from whatever he was doing.   
  
  


you leaned back on your wall and slid down, asking yourself what the hell you were doing. you didn't know what was going on nor where you stood. you didn't want to be a resistance fighter nor ren's empress. you never asked for any of this— this melchonly of dread and vague emotions that prickled at you. you were sinking into the deep end, and you never knew if you'd get out.   
  
  


you couldn't cry anymore. all the tears you had spewed and let out, had gone away. you could feel yourself crying and falling apart inside, but no outer emotion showed to that.   
  
  


all of you was hurting inside— but that was only way you knew that you loved. you wanted it to stop, but if it did and you demanded it to stop, then it wouldn't be love.  
  
  


the conflict ravaged you, breaking you into pieces and you tattered on a thin line was because of the love you felt for kylo ren. and it wasn't the simplest of love, but more than just that. every star you looked at, with planets, moons and suns tying to it, you could only see him.  
  
  


you could see kylo ren in the universe, and for a second, in your heart, you knew his defiance would shake the stars.  
  
  


he was a daring soul, who could take apart or heal the entire galaxy with the touch of his finger. he was someone who cavened in the darkness, yet seek for light that he was exiled from. he was the soul of evil and good, having the two collide.  
  
  


you picked yourself up from the ground minutes after, ambling outside of your quarters and to sneak onto an x-wing. your eyes nimble to catch leia organa's tender self become weak and defenseless.   
  
  


maz kanata looked at the general with caring, empathetic eyes. something was happening. leia clasped a hand over heart, and breath shuddered, sitting down for a moment. you moved yourself to kanata's side, looking down at her.  
  
  


"what's happening to the general?" you asked.

"it seems leia knows what has to be done. she must buy her son time," kanata responded lowly, a frown on her face. "she has to do this."  
  
  


"no, no. ben needs his mother," you panicked and you sprinted to leia, kanata's hand going out of reach for yours at a late time, signing. "leia, what's wrong?"  
  
  


though a part of you was still upset for what she had done, she was someone who protected you and gave you a home after your parents died. she was family and a honorable princess.   
  
  


"leia, you can't do this, please," you begged, your heart heavy from the next loss you would had to grieve. "please.. ben needs you."  
  
  


"my son is still in that wicked soul, and i must do this. his anger and hatred is fulfilling all of who he is," leia said and you looked back at maz kanata, whom nodded in a gesture.  
  
  


you hugged leia tightly, digging your face into her shoulder. everyone of the resistance stood by and watched, frowns on their faces. leia's arms brought you close to her, kissing the side of your head. she placed one hand of the back of your head, letting your sobs soak into her one last time.   
  
  


"may the force be with you," she whispered alas, before pulling you back and her warms hands of home cupped your cheeks, wiping away your tears.   
  
  


you watched her be escorted away from you, your eyes following her every distant movement and maz kanata's hand touched your wrist. "it's the only way, dear," her mellow voice comforted you warmly and you sniffled, as she was laid to rest within the light. "she will always be with you."  
  
  


"she was my close home," you mumbled. "now she is going to fade away."  
  
  


"your home isn't gone. he is waiting for you," kanata said and you knew who she had meant.   
  
  


home was not a place or planet. it was a person. that person was out there, fighting for his life and was about to be given time to stop palpatine.  
  
  


you only hoped it would all work.   
  
  


as leia rested herself and tried to reach her son through the force, he faced off the scavenger on the bridge on kef bir, waves crashing harshly and the tides got higher. he could only focus on the purpose he had stoned in his head— kill the scavenger whom was the resistance's most bravest jedi and without her, they were nothing, as he would go to palpatine after her death, taking the throne and inherent it with you by his side.   
  
  


leia was aware of his plan, and took in her last inhale, letting her soul go through the force to take back her son.   
  
  


kylo ren's lightsaber blade clashed and collided with his grandfather's, that rey had claimed as her own.   
  
  


that lightsaber _did_ belong to him.  
  
  


he let out groans and grunts, the tides escalating to a peak, falling onto the grounds of the bridge. "you need to stop, kylo!" rey yelled, hoping she could turn him for you. "i know this isn't who you want to be! snoke made you this way."  
  
  


"i'll kill _you_ , and take that throne," ren sputtered, granting his words to his grave. "and that lightsaber is _mine_."  
  
  


"come get it then," rey grunted and the tension was building blocks, everything trembling with them. she didn't want to kill him, not if he meant truly much to you. she rather bring him home to you, yet as himself. "think of her, ren. please think of _her_."   
  
  


the smallest thought of you was the biggest distraction for him, and he was able to ignore it without hesitation.   
  
  


kylo ren had to kill her, and when he had her knocked down, laying on the ground, a cold, echoey voice came to him. it drowned everything out around him and he peeked over his shoulder, to see if there was someone else.   
  
  


" _ben,_ " the voice whispered itself in the void of the force and he could recognize who's it was. who that _exact_ voice belonged to. for a moment, his heart had stopped and his breath hitched, all of him soaking from the violent waters.   
  
  


" _mom,_ " is what he wanted to whisper back, feeling every part of him become a different person. something had changed. something wasn't right, and he knew what his truehearted mother had done.   
  
  


but rey couldn't sense, just as much as he could.   
  
  


ren's blade had gone away and his hand freed the lightsaber. before it could hit the ground, rey's hand seized it and activated it, stabbing it through him with no more hesitation.   
  
  


as she did so, there was a cold feeling. a cold momenta and regret blanketed the scavenger's face.   
  
  


you could feel the stabbing, touching your side. there was no blood and you looked at leia, who's hand had fallen to her side, resting there.   
  
  


"leia," whispered you and rey, though you were miles apart in the entire galaxy. rey had stood there, frozen in her stance and kylo ren collapsed to the ground, breathing heavily.   
  
  


the red blade had disappeared into the hilt and she let the lightsaber fall out of her hand.   
  
  


rey stared at the man who's heart and soul of pure black had formed into a blue euphoric of butterflies. the scavenger had kneeled beside kylo, looking at the wound she put through him.   
  
  


she rested her hand over it, closing her eyes. there were tears as she healed kylo ren, both of them with stuttering breaths and broken hearts. the wound healed with kylo ren's scar that was printed across his face, seeming like a new man.   
  
  


rey removed her hand from the area and stared at kylo ren. "you have someone who loves you, and i have a feeling she may do the most selfless act of compassion for you," she began, afraid to eye him due to the guilt that bit at her. "don't let her go."  
  
  


then, kylo ren watched the scavenger disappeared, as he sat there with his thoughts.   
  
  


leia's body was there, and not yet gone. it was a limp, defunct form and you stayed sitting next to her side, holding her cold hand. you hung your head down and cried, wishing it could've been you making the sacrifice.   
  
  


"i love him, and i think i love him more than the simple meaning of love itself. i wish i could've shown him that by taking on your place for this," you said, trying to play off your mourning with a sad chuckle. "but he's back. he's flourished and bloomed."  
  
  


you could feel the heartbeat of ben solo in your body, as his blood surged into your own. you could feel his every shallow breath in your airway and could sense his redemption.  
  
  


and together, you and ben solo merged, where as if the sun and the moon eclipsed, kissing one another in the eyes of the galaxy. the eclipse that was you and him had felt like a declaration, blinding everyone who may have glimpsed.   
  
  


ben solo didn't know what he could give you or show you— you were too smart and genuine for the kinds of solace he could offer. the impending fragments of hope that held in the air, had filled into the broken cracks of his destroyed heart and soul.  
  
  


"ben, come _home_ ," you whispered under your breath, and he heard you. he heard your soft, light words and everything coalesced in a processed blink.   
  
  


"my daughter has been a fighter her whole life. she always reminded me of myself," a ghostly male voice approached behind you and you peeked over your shoulders, eyes catching the figure of anakin skywalker. "and my grandson.. i will admit, he is more of me than she is."  
  
  


"anakin, you're going to frighten her," a woman's voice came about, appearing next to him in a beautiful dark blue dress, and they stared at leia's body with you, a small amused laugh passing between anakin's lips. "she was more than a just princess.."

_padmé amidala._

"oh gods, are you going to cry again?" anakin asked, groaning.  
  
  


"aren't you the one who killed her, before she could even hold her children?" you wondered, face scrunched together and anakin glared at you, feeling his eyes burn through your skull.  
  
  


"ani, she does prove a point," padmé agreed and you hummed, the two beginning to bicker. you held back a chuckle, your eyes bulking when you heard her slap anakin.   
  
  


"hey, padmé! anakin! no more. your daughter is deceased and so is your son, show some respect," you said and anakin sighed, sitting down next to you as padmé plopped herself on his lap.  
  
  


it was silence and serene for a few seconds, eyes stuck on leia's form.   
  
  


"you're going to exegol still, aren't you?" anakin asked and you sighed, hanging your head down. you nodded, and fiddled with your fingers nervously. "i didn't want ben to become me, as i always saw him pleading to palpatine to protect you if he fulfilled the dark side legacy."  
  
  


"pleading?" you repeated.  
  
  


"it was as if he had heard my own words, and was mimicking them— he had nightmares of you dying because of how strong his power became and grew dangerously, hoping palpatine could prevent your death from happening if he did what he had to. ben couldn't live with you," anakin explained and your mind was putting pieces into a puzzle from the medbay to your present moment.   
  
  


the pieces fitted together, and you swallowed thickly, more tears pooling your eyes.  
  
  


a rumbling engine was landing outside of the command center, and when you looked back to padmé and anakin after staring at the sound, they were gone.   
  
  


you sat up and towered over leia, a smile on your face. "may the force be with you," you said, kissing her forehead and pulled the white sheet over her. you brushed your hand over hers, and walked away from her, a single tear falling down your flushed cheeks.   
  
  


you pushed passed resistance fighters and generals, seeing she had returned with finn and stomped down the ramp of the falcon. "rey!" you called out her name as she got out of it, a triangle-shaped object in her hand that flickered and glowed.   
  
  


by her eyes, you could tell she had been crying and her name being shouted by you made her feel better. you ran to her, pulling her into a tight hug and she dug her face into the crook of neck, holding you close.   
  
  


"are you okay?" rey asked, your tears soaking her shoulder.   
  
  


you took yourself away from her, sniffling and nodded hesitatingly. your eyes looked at sith wayfinder, desperate to grab it her from her hand and run off with it. "is leia.." rey couldn't bare to finish her sentence and you hummed, nodding. "i felt her when i was with ren."

"ben. you mean _ben_ ," you corrected her, and she only stared at her with confusion, yet nodded in agreement. "listen, i need to go to exegol, to stop palpatine before ben does some mindful decision."

"you can't go alone. palpatine is more powerful than you know and can take you out," she started off when you two began walking back into the command center. "you don't understand what you're going up against."

"then enlighten me, rey," you flared. "what do i not know?"

"the emperor is like a predator— he can sense your blood and once he does, it's lights out for you. you're our best resistance fighter and since we lost poe, we need you out there with us, not with ben. i can handle that part," rey stated, taking her hood off and placed the wayfinder on a table.

"rey, i was in captivity with him for months. you think you know him but you _don't_. i must stop palpatine before he goes.. _please_ ," you begged and she had to think of what you were asking for you— of what you pleaded to do. "we must win this battle, once and for all."

rey looked at you, despondency twinkling in her eyes. she surrendered with a nod, and you smiled, giving her a hug of comfort and reassurance.

"don't do anything stupid— stupid gets you killed," she said and you laughed, as she kissed the side of your head. "we must gather everyone and start prepping."

rey called everyone around, finn joining in and you stood next to them, everyone coming together as one union. "as we mourn the death of our honorable princess and general, we must get to exegol and put a stop to palpatine, as time is ticking," rey began and the crowd murmured, a few heartbroken because of leia's disappearance.

"we will go to exegol, put a stop to the final order, and palpatine. have great hope and faith, my friends. we will fight to final death until the dark side is no longer," finn said and they smiled, his hands clapping together as a signal. "now we go!"

everyone headed there ways, preparation happening and you froze in your spot, inhaling sharply. you tried to stay positive for this situation, but you only feared your death and how ben solo would take it.

"hey, wait," rey called before you as you were fixing up an x-wing for yourself. "you're gonna need these for when you go to exegol.." she placed a cold weapon in your hand, recognizing the grey hilt immediately.

you smiled small, nodding and clipped the saber to your belt. "and this one.. it's leia. before i returned here, i went to ahch-to and master skywalker gave me it. he said the lightsaber would go to the right person, as they continued leia's journey," rey presumed and the next lightsaber went into your palm, your eyes admiring every little detail of it.

you put leia's lightsaber next to the one that _specifically_ belonged to anakin skywalker's.

you could see a disquieted expression plastered on the scavenger's face, a frown tugging at your lips. "we will see each other after this is over, rey. i believe that," you mumbled as you took her into your arms to hug her to enliven her gloomy mind.

"i never got to tell you the truth of how i felt," rey murmured, and you chuckled lightly, holding her closer.

"i already know the truth, rey. but i love him, and he means everything to me," you confessed, sighing to how she tensed in your arms.

"i know," she whispered. " _i know_."

you brought her face into your hands and kissed her gently, but for a few given seconds, her smile against your lips. "you should get going," she said and you pressed your forehead onto hers, both of your eyes closed.

you nodded and your touch disappeared from her face, as she laid the wayfinder in your palm. you gripped the object, thanking her and walked to your x-wing, seeing it already being revived.

a part of rey's heart broke as she watched you go into the x-wing, knowing well you were always going to be in love and over the moon for ben solo. she couldn't change your mind and she didn't _want_ to if you were truly happy with him.

all she wanted was for you to be happy, regardless if that was with her or not.

you waved her a long lasting farewell as the hood of the fighter covered you and you put on your helmet, pushing a few buttons. you put the wayfinder into a holder, connecting it to the x-wing.

you were the first one to leave the grounds of the resistance base, breaking through the atmosphere of ajan kloss. you sighed and thought to yourself to a minute that felt like an hour.

you had high hopes that you'd be able to kill palpatine, and if you were to die in the process of it, you knew it'd be worth it. in the end of it all, ben solo was home and safe, with no dark side to take over.

kylo ren would always be a part of him, there was no denying that, but that was his demon. the demon would stay and taunt him time to time, yet you would make sure it'd never reappear.

in the beginning of your and kylo's attraction to one another, all you saw was a creature who wore a mask and slaughtered millions. he was repulsive, vile and cruel. he haunted your dreams and wanted you to fight back at him.

he knew your strengths and weaknesses. he was quick to pick up on your attitude and deniable acts, as you pretended to _not_ be in love with him. he was an insufferable man and in those days, you wanted to be the one to strike him down.

now you were striking yourself down for him.

the thing that made you chuckle to bitterest core was how you fell for him within days. you fell for him as if you tripped into a rabbit hole, hitting your head and suddenly lost memories of the sadist he was.

a sadist who smelt of evil, blood and danger, wearing it like a suitable perfume to his kind. he took the title of supreme leader to his grave, writing his name into it and wore the superiority as a crown.

you loved him, though. nevertheless of his intentions, acts and commitments, you loved him. you loved a damaged soul, where you kissed his scars and wounds, willing to scrap your skin for his. you always set yourself on fire to keep him warm. you'd save his skin before yours.

you would give him each and every littlest of stars that belonged to the galaxy. you wanted to wipe away his tears and hold him close, reminding him that nothing was his fault. you knew how he only wanted to be loved and cared for. he was never the one to speak aloud of what he desired to have the most when it came to love, and he didn't need to— you already knew.

and though there was collision, chaos and violence in between it all, you _loved_ him. you would never, _ever_ stopped loving him, and you had no shame in that.

you didn't bash or degrade yourself for being in love with him. it wasn't wrong to love someone, and you knew that. you just never knew you'd find yourself falling for kylo ren.

you knocked out of your thoughts, jumping into hyperspace and followed the navigation of the sith wayfinder, seeing how it guided you on the right path to exegol.

you sniffled, barely finding yourself crying in sad weeps and your heart stammered with your breathing pattern.

you had hardly comprehended the sight of going through mystic clouds of red and scattering, your x-wings sharply turning and spinning to avoid crashing. you saw how closer you were getting to exegol, and every second you did, your heartbeat would go up.

you pushed another couple buttons, preparing yourself for the worst or best, and did another round jump of hyperspace, body flinging back into your seat when you did so.

the rays of blue and white disappeared before your eyes, and your body went numb when you saw exegol. the planet sulked, rumbled and was an awful color of a gloomy blue to black, shaking your head.

"i am so beyond fucked right now," you muttered lowly, getting chills when you entered through the planet and could see _millions_ of steadfast interspersed, thunder and lightning make themselves known.

you found the _possible_ final order more intimidating than the plain first order.

people inside of the steadfast saw you approach into exegol's atmosphere, a few smiling and smirking. they had been expecting you.

you could feel their eyes bore into you from miles and miles away, trying to settle yourself in the uneasy setting you were in. you landed your x-wing on a rocky surface, paralyzed for a few minutes and blinked at the sith citadel in front of you.

the lightning sparked and storms rolled in, everything coming together as one. in the citadel, held the emperor who taunted ben solo's head, and made darth vader.

it was like facing history.

you took off your helmet, popping up the covering of the fighter and bounced out of it, your body shivering from the cold air. panic rolled in and pulled you under, your body numb, yet you could walk and move.

you strode into the citadel and pushed down your fears into nothingness, obliterating them from your mind entirely. you didn't want the emperor to hear what you thought nor what emotions were taking control of you.

you stood on a rock, that carried you down and an echoey chuckle bounced off the concrete walls of the citadel. "young kenobi.. so lovely to have you here," the groggy, deep voice came into your ears and you unclipped skywalker's saber from your belt, holding it firmly in your hand. "your grandfather was unwise. he could never be the master that darth vader was."

you didn't say anything, lips in a thin line.

"still willing to kill me, are you?" palpatine asked, his voice becoming closer and closer with every step you took towards him. "so bright and wise.. and _naive_."

"what makes you think i won't be able to kill you? i was able to kill snoke," you mentioned, eyes wondering and gazing on the details of the citadel, your feet simply taking you in the direction of where palpatine's voice was coming from.

"foolish child.. i _made_ snoke," palpatine said. "and lord vader."

"and then you got into ben's head. is getting into innocent people's mind your thing?" you asked, a hint of sarcasm in the question and you could hear him chuckle.

he hummed as a response. "you were the distraction he seemed to not get rid of. i'd have your death be like anakin skywalker's lovely wife."

"you're trying to repeat history. that's never good," you said, and he chuckled, descrying your surroundings. in the middle of emptiness, you found yourself small and little.

"you truly are kenobi's grandchild," palpatine's voice frightened you, spinning at the heel of your foot and came face to face with the old creature, himself being held on a crane object. "i was beginning to get inside your pretty little head as well, young obi-wan."

lightning struck again, giving off radiance to a certain throne in the middle of the citadel. the throne was the exact one you had in your vision, when trying to connect with all masters. 

"if you want the boy of yours to live, then you must take his place within the legacy of the dark side. you must rule and take over," palpatine said and you could see his malevolent smirk creep on his face, your stomach distorting itself.

surely, you were going to puke anytime soon.

"take the throne," he flared, face molding in vexation. "take it or he dies."

you would every selfless act to defend the heart and soul of ben solo, but taking the throne was something that was way out of proportion. you'd bring shame to your bloodline if you turned over to the dark side, just because you wanted to protect him. 

"you should be aware that only you can stop him from dying.. from your family dying," palpatine said and you stared at him, blinking. "look here, now."

a rumble came with the ceiling gates of citadel, your eyes widening in fear as you saw the resistance fall apart in the hands of the final order. you could taste horror and terror on the tip of your tongue, your body swaying. "you, my child, have the power and control to stop this all.. if you turn, they survive with your precious love," palpatine continued, and you couldn't take your eyes away from what was happening.

x-wings were blowing up, steadfast have the maximum control over them. you could see every individual resistance fighter die away, like flies being smushed on. 

you were about to hesitate and fight back, millions of alternatives ideas coming into your head. you would give the last of your breath to ben solo, and made sure he would be okay, no matter what. words were about to spew out of your mouth, until you felt a presence.

this presence was warm, like the sun when it kissed your face with its rays. it hugged you without any visibility, and held you close. the presence was worried and beyond the words of only fear. yet, it was home. it was a home, where you belonged and were protected from all cruel, bad things in the entire galaxy. it never wanted you to leave or let you go. it pleaded for you to not go, even if there were no vocal words to say it. 

and you could sense who the presence was. your lips quivered, heart sinking into the bottomless pit of your stomach and your mouth became dry. you became paralyzed again and shivered to whom had came to the citadel. 

you were in complete awe, yet your heart weakened. 

but alas, with it all, they had came home. _he_ had came home, to _you_.

" _ben_ ," you whispered. 


	21. chapter twenty one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the finale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: the finale is here! if you want to settle into the right mood for this chapter, i suggest love and war & hurricane by fleurie, white flag by the rigs, death of me by pvris, saturn by sleeping at last, writer in the dark by lorde, and old money by lana del rey. enjoy, my angels.

_"ben," you whispered._

your body could only stop itself and you knew he was getting closer to you. the aura and energy of him was different, yet protective.   
  
  
  


your eyes drifted away from the battle and looked back at palpatine, giving him the simplest, curt nod. his wicked smile grew in satisfaction and tears fell down your cheeks, your hands sweating.   
  
  
  
  


"good," palpatine lightly praised.   
  
  
  
  


ben solo was not hesitate to shoot anyone who was in his way, his blaster being the only weapon he had. he panted softly, going strictly in the direction where he could lead himself to.   
  
  
  
  


he just needed to get to you before it was too late.   
  
  
  
  


"she will take the throne, as an empress! the dark side will consume all of her as she reigns the final order under her control and power!" palpatine shouted and disciples cheered in roars with him, your head clouding.   
  
  
  
  


you knew tricking the emperor would give ben, _hopefully_ , more time and you could turn the tables on him.   
  
  
  


the cheers and screams of the sith followers got louder, your ears ringing. more tears left your eyes and anxiety built in you, claiming you.   
  
  
  


"she will take on revenge and draws her weapon rightfully! the young kenobi will rise herself as a sith and bring the final order into her hold, as with the mightiest strike of lightsaber, the sith are reborn!" palpatine yelled again, a praise to his words and you could feel your feet sinking into the ground beneath you.   
  
  
  


you became absolutely paralyzed.   
  
  
  


ben solo had been greeted with the familiar faces of his knights. the honorable, loyal knights that he called brothers and had fought by his side. he had once killed their leader, and took them on. for a spare moment of epiphany, he had believed the knights of ren were there to help him and take down the evil emperor, only for his single fragment of hope to be broken when he saw their weapons appear.  
  
  


they circled him, and ben solo took steady, careful steps. he had only a blaster, as they had sharp weapons.   
  
  
  


he didn't want to betray them, yet they were doing that concept to him. ben used his gifted force against them, and got defeated within seconds to minutes. he didn't know who's weapon was breaking him apart, but it felt like hell.   
  
  


a weapon hit against his ribcage, then under his chin, blood sputtering everywhere.   
  
  


ben solo had to fight back. he had to fight back for you.  
  
  
  


"and the jedi will finally be no longer! make the sacrifice, young empress!" palpatine spat, and you activated the skywalker lightsaber, the vibrations of it humming in your hands. "make the stroke of your saber, kenobi."  
  
  
  


and as you thought ben solo was too late, you blinked in a motion of slow, for your eyes to be met with ben solo's presence. with him as a whole. he saw you, and you saw him.   
  
  
  


the blue of the lightsaber shined on your face and made your glossy eyes visible, a small smile growing on your face.   
  
  
  


ben solo panted and panted, his lip cut open, scars on his face. he had put himself through hell to save you. you could nearly cry.   
  
  
  


you and him stared at one another with what felt like infinity. you couldn't believe it, for the oddest reason. a tear rolled down your cheek, and the connection between the two of you was more than just a dyad.   
  
  
  


it was a right connection — it was _home_.  
  
  
  


you and ben solo had came home to each other, alas. the warmest, safest home. you never knew where you belonged in the galaxy of mayhem and chaos, but certainly couldn't believe it was ben solo.   
  
  
  


it was fate. destiny. true.   
  
  
  


"make the sacrifice!" palpatine repeated and ben solo gave you a nod. the nod was a response that it was okay, and you were safe now. it was reassurance that you could show palpatine of the dyad bond you had with the grandson of anakin skywalker.   
  
  
  


you slid the lightsaber down your back, with the softest and most profound delicate stroke, letting it go. as you gave it to your other half, you could feel his hand wrap around the hilt and you shivered, shuddering exhales coming from your pursed lips that quivered.   
  
  
  


ben solo grabbed the lightsaber as the ice blue of it gleamed and illuminated, the knights taken aback. they were stunned and in questionable shock. he looked at them, declaring his dominance and could feel a invisible smile on his face.  
  
  


he shrugged and swung his lightsaber in a lightning second of speed, every knight grunting.   
  
  
  


you ignited leia's lightsaber, the emperor craning himself back and his imperial guards came around you, your force pulsating through your hands that flung each guard. you had never once trained with a lightsaber, and only held one in the moment of the throne room on the supremacy.   
  
  


you twirled the beautiful lightsaber of leia organa's, dodging every shot the guards wanted to take at you and panted.   
  
  
  


ben had his slight misfortunes as he tackled on the knights, the humming of anakin skywalker's lightsaber capturing his hearing. he had felt guilt and pity in his heart when taking the life of the knights, a small piece of his heart cracking off.   
  
  
  


and for the oddest reasons, you could feel the only pain of ushar's. someone whom you considered an older brother, yet a great enemy now. him and the other knights only served to the dark side, when you could see clear potential to them. ushar had regret and sorrow in him as he fought ben solo and you could lose concentration from this energy of his.   
  
  
  


but, you couldn't stop ushar nor ben. there was no way to, and it was impossible.   
  
  


ben had pushed his lightsaber through the last knights of his, spit spewing out of his mouth and panicked at the small notice of you.   
  
  


his heart raced and he didn't hold himself back to run over to you, in the urge to bring you into his arms. it had been so long and _too_ long since he last saw you.   
  
  
  


your feet nailed you into the ground, and couldn't wrap your head around the reality that ben was with you. not kylo ren, but ben solo.   
  
  
  


ben solo was ever so angelic, and an euphoric storm of butterflies. the scar that once stood across his face had gone away and healed entirely. the fresh patterns of cuts and wounds on his face made him seem evermore astonishing than the stars or planets that laid themselves in the galaxy of infinity. truly, he was more than beautiful. he was captivating and even the smallest glimpse of his sparkled eyes lured you in. his parted lips that had panted breaths pass through, were soft and a rose pink.  
  
  
  


you had taken in all this meadow, devouring poetry of whom he was, either as kylo ren or ben solo. though, the only name you gave to him was home. a home that was everything to you and everything you had been seeking your entire lifetime.

he was everything beautiful and alluring. he was perfection, in the simplest and smallest features.

oh, how in love you were with him. the irk you had once inkling inside of you, had became such a beautiful grace of serendipity and euphoria. you wanted to embrace him into your arms, and hold him. you wanted to protect him from the further harm that could damage him.

everything in your mind emerged into your being and gave you strength — strength that was given to the mere thought of saving ben solo.

you and kylo gave a curt one another, falling back into reality as you both lifted your sabers together, the fierce blue reflecting on yours and his skin.

palpatine was visibly surprise. a kenobi and pure-blooded skywalker, standing side by side — history repeated itself in the most cruelest to amazing ways, a haze of remembrance striking him.

"stand together, die together!" palpatine shouted, a harsh lining of electricity pushing out of the center of his fingertips, hitting you and ben, only for his ire venom to snap back at him.

palpatine's fingertips burned away, ben grabbing your hand as you two fell together and sabers disappeared out of both your grasps, stumbling away. he held your hand, tightly and firmly, afraid of letting go, yet in the most haunting thought of losing you to the emperor.

ben solo didn't want to lose you the way his grandfather lost his wife.

"a dyad in the force," palpatine muttered, eyeing his returning fingertips and was in the highest of awe to this. "unseen for generations.. and yet now, has been brought back to the souls of you two."

you looked at ben, who gave you a weak smile and your hand sunk into his.

if death was approaching, you'd die with him and having him next to you. your heartbeat became irregular and too slow for a normal being, your own smile falling apart into nothingness.

"no, no.." ben whispered, his voice and own self too weak to speak or move. palpatine had been able to take all of you already, with a single hit of his power. "don't go, little flower.."

"i.." you mumbled incoherently, shades of black coming into your vision and no pulse was in you. ben could feel you die in his touch, and his frail being couldn't form tears. he knew he could bring you back into existence. he knew he was able to, and he'd do it with whatever he had left lingering inside of him.

palpatine's chants and yells of disciples were normal static to ben's ears, as he got up in suffrage. he had to fight for you. he had to kill palpatine with every ounce of violence and rage that still ate at his core.

ben solo wouldn't give up — he _refused_ to give up. you taught him everything there is to being a fighter, and you were his purpose to living.

ben's rattling and shaky legs could barely stand — let alone move — as he swallowed the hard lump in his throat. he knew one day he'd stand in the eyes of death, but didn't want that day to come about immediately. he wanted to spend a lifetime with you — all of eternity.

palpatine's dull, malicious eyes fell upon the young solo, his prideful smirk becoming panic. "and we end this story, with the last skywalker dying! i must do you as i did your grandfather!" palpatine said in a practical roar, and the next round of electricity freed out of his fingertips, pounding at the feeble ben solo.

the electricity and force picked up ben, blood and saliva sputtering out of his mouth, as palpatine threw him into a foggy pit — ben solo's body hit the rocks and fell down into the void.

you could hear him fall and break his bones, his suffering thoughts falling into your head. your remaining bit of life gave you the last power to lay flat on your back, your eyes looking into the chaotic sky as where war and bloodshed took its place.

the sky had been assaulted with blinding electricity that pounced out of palpatine's fingertips, every person and pilot being affected. you wanted to scream and beg for the emperor to stop, to stop affecting and hurting the people you loved. 

dirt smeared and powered down on your face, lips chapped, eyes covered with dry tears, and took in a heavy breath.

"be with me," you whispered, the mayhem silencing your voice. "be with me.." you repeated the exact mantra many more times, your words hardly loud enough to catch the ear of a human.

"be with me," you spoke last of the mantra, the battle and war between the resistance and the final order evaporating from your sight, the universe making it's scenery known to your eyes.

the universe was glory and heaven, your vision clearing up to it's blissful sight. "be with me," you whispered alas, all noise around you drawing out into an empty void and you thought you had finally come to death.

"these are you first steps... rise and take them," the clear, memorizing voice of your grandfather whisper, as if he was right next to you. 

then, your name was called. you certainly started believing you did die and had become one with the force, but it was very much far from that.

your name was repeat again, yet by someone else — then by another person, and your name was spoken in a pattern by various voices.

it was every jedi, who had lived and fought. they had came to you, and your heart sunk to their voices.

you were in awe and could feel air retrieve throughout your soul, a grin on your lips. "bring back the balance, you are the last hope," the significant voice of anakin skywalker said, velvet and soft honey in it. you could feel every jedi words surge through your blood and veins, giving you the final strength you needed. 

"every jedi who ever lived, lives in you," another unknown male spoke, a soft breeze brushing past your face. 

you forced body to move onto its side, your palm slamming onto the solid ground of rock and panted. "give up do not. alone never have you been," yoda's spoke through the force alas, a soft chuckle in his tone. 

all voices of the jedi came together as one, whispering and talking, swallowing thickly. you grunted, coughing and sniffled, your head rocking inside. you needed to fight back and get ben. you couldn't feel him anymore, and that frightened you entirely.

"the force will always be with you," kenobi said, being the last to get you up. 

you stood up, inhaling sharply and your hand seized the distant saber of leia's. palpatine's old eyes widen at the sight of you, finding it quite impossible that you had survived. but it wasn't only you that caught his sight — it was the force ghost of every single jedi standing behind you, a few using the force against him. 

palpatine refused to be defeated. 

"let your death be the final word in the story of the rebellion!" palpatine roared, blocking out his striking electricity with leia's saber and you huffed, having a rush with the fight between you and him. 

you could only smirk.

"silly girl, you are _nothing_! you have no power against me — i am all the sith!" palpatine protested, and you did a slight shrug, your free hand getting ready to be occupied.

"and i.." you got anakin's saber in your hand, "i'm all the jedi." 

you crossed both sabers together, pushing palpatine's own power against him and panted more, eyeing him down. the emperor screamed and pleaded with every step you took towards, giving the last of your life-force and strength to kill him.

the electricity and strength built up as one, ripping palpatine apart into nothingness, as the eruption of both reaction pushed you back. you landed on your back, hitting your head on the concrete ground and your eyes got the lasting sight of everything falling apart.

you smiled small to your accomplishment, only for it to weaken and your visible sight went black.

you laid breathless and still on the ground, your eyes open as if you seen death come for you alas. 

it took ben solo, what felt like decades, to climb up out from the pit and panicked. he couldn't feel your life or energy anymore. he couldn't hear or feel your breathing, or enthralling heart. 

"don't be gone, please," he begged in a whisper, his hand grasping the top of the pit and groaned as he pulled himself out of it, tears welling in his eyes. 

he could see you in the distance, not moving or making a single noise. 

ben solo had broken his ribs, his left leg slit open and blood came out of it as a waterfall, limping to you. he was broken, altogether, and didn't know if he was too late to save you. he couldn't live without you, nor did he plan to. 

how could he go on with life, without your presence in it? you _were_ his life. 

his breathing jagged, collapsing onto his knees and had to crawl over to you, tears falling down his dirt-smudge cheeks. "don't go," he murmured and cried, swallowing down the lump that stuck in his throat. 

ben solo reached you, his shaky and feeble hands pulling you onto his lap, looking down at you. his tears landed on your shirt and face, breathing heavily. "no no no.. baby, wake up," he could see no life in your eyes and shook his head, not believing this how yours and his story would end.

it wasn't suppose to end in this way.

ben stared at you, making the most difficult and hardest decision in his existence. he thought of who he was, and the things he had done. for all the murder and horror he caused, your death was his consequence. 

his hand touched your cheek, as your skin was cold and ice. you were a limp person in his arms, and he inhaled, bringing your body close to his.

ben hugged you, holding you so close to him and was afraid of letting you go on without him in your life. but as he thought of it, he had brought too pain and suffrage into it, and you deserved more than him. 

if there was anything he had learned from you, was that you had always shown him compassion.

he held you for a few minutes, his heart racing and kissed your cheek. "you're gonna be okay, little flower," he reassured, and laid you on his lap, staring into your dead eyes for a while. "it's gonna be okay."

ben solo closed his eyes, placing his hand on your stomach and knew what he was doing, was the right thing to do. it was the only way to save you, and give you the life you deserved to live, but he wouldn't be in it. 

yet, he wasn't only giving all of him — he was giving you the memories, and every fragment of hatred, love or infatuation that lived in it.

_"you seem so sad and alone. yet, you don't want anyone to see your vulnerability and tried to hide who you truly are."_

it was magnificent and surprising how he was able to get inside your head, and see who you were as a person. that moment, when you woke up in the interrogation room and didn't know what was to come for you and him. you despised him with all of you, and only wanted to kill him. yours and his intentions were to kill each other, in any way possible. he was a monster, a creature in a mask. you were stunned he was even skin and bones when he took of his mask.

when he took of his mask that very first time, you were struck of the beauty that laid on his gracious face. he was the face of a god, who got people to their knees when he glanced at them. he was beautiful, and perfection. you had forgotten all the cruel things he had done to others when you saw him, and your heart was already stringed to his in that very moment.

_"you know i can take whatever i want?"_

he could take anything from you, and he did. you were tempted and infatuated by him, and understood the charm he had. you had felt guilty and ashamed in yourself for wanting him, eager and desperate to have his lips against yours. you wanted to taste every sin, lie and desire that laid upon his lips, taking it into your soul. you would've fallen to your knees to have him, and he did want to take all of you.

you and him had been fighting each other, not realizing the hatred that stood between the two of you would spark such a journey, and the unknown that laid in the future scared you. when you were too busy trying to not fall for him, you didn't notice that you already had. you began to ignore every despicable and evil thing he had ever done, or planned to do. 

_"you are stuck with me, whether you like that or not."_

all he wanted was to keep you hostage and to himself. you thought he was a cruel monster, and your only purpose to him was to do whatever he said. but it was quite more than that — he wanted to have you all to himself. he wanted all of you, to become all of him and he refused to let anyone else take you away from him. he didn't know how to love properly or in the right way. he was only shown possession, obsession and control, and thought that would keep you stay. 

and he didn't know how to love you, when he didn't even love himself — he hated who he was, and was well aware of the monster he was. he wanted to be a better man for you, but didn't know how to. he didn't know who he was.

_"you have no place in this story, you come from nothing. you're nothing.. but not to me."_

that moment in the throne room, after killing snoke, signified everything for you and him. you had become aware of what you were to him in that moment, and that had changed everything. he had stared into your eyes, and after he had said such a wonderful comfort, he hoped you would say something that meant, "please say i mean something to you," but you didn't. you scowled him and he had never felt more useless or worthless in his entire life. 

but he bit his tongue, avoided tears from spilling and used his pain as violence.

_"little flower."_

his sweet nickname for you. you were his little flower, and everything more. he saw you as a delicate flower, where your petals didn't deserved to be ripped of and didn't want you to stepped on. you were such a beautiful, captivating being in his eyes. and he loved you.

as kylo or ben, no matter what, he was so in love with you and that would never change. he loved you more than a human possibly ever could. you were the sweet love of his life, and he wanted you forever. he saw forever laying in your bare eyes when he looked into them. he could never regret loving you. 

and he didn't know he could ever love, but you made him feel that. you got his violent, frozen heart to beat in warmth and happiness. he didn't want anyone else, nor would make anyone have you. 

he loved you in ways the sun loved the moon, the way the universe loved its stars, and how his grandfather loved his grandmother. 

he loved you endlessly and with every breath he took. he loved you with all of him, and would sacrifice himself to let your beautiful soul walk the galaxy forever. 

his shaky hand felt yours touch over it, and he opened his eyes, looking at you immediately. you looked at your surroundings for a moment, and your eyes landed into his, sitting up. your eyes never looked away from his, and ben trembled, brows furrowing in concern.

both your hands touched his cheeks, your face inched few parts away from his. 

you smiled. "ben!"

ben's mouth crinkled into a smile, overwhelmed tears in his eyes and you playfully shook your head, smashing your lips onto his soft ones. ben nuzzled his face into yours, deepening the passionate kiss of love, and felt him smile against your lips. 

you slowly pulled away, your eyes opening up and you had looked again into ben's, taking all of him in.

he was so perfect, and you could not take your eyes away from him.

you were so in love with him, and beyond that. your lips begged to kiss every fragment, detail, and feature of him. he was a glorious constellation, filled with hope and serenity. he was your muse, your everything, your heart and life — he was your whole, never your half. you prayed and pleaded that all his pain would go into you, hating that he had to endure such a feeling that he didn't deserve to go through. you wanted to show and give him life. you wanted to give him every part of you, not matter how little or big it was. you knew what he deserved and you wanted to give him just that.

"i love you," he whispered, in a cold and hush breath, your eyes slowly widening when he fell back onto the ground, his lids shutting. you hovered over him, your hand holding his and breathed in a frantic matter. 

"ben! wake up!" you yelled, seeing how he went from human into pure mist.

he became a ghost, and disappeared.

you were frozen and breathless. "i will come back for you, sweetheart. i promise," you heard ben whisper to you through the force, as you closed your eyes for uncountable seconds and sobbed in trembles.

you stared in the spot he was just in, inhaling once and your sadness formed into anger, within minutes later, as it injected into your blood. 

anger and hate.

"this is your fault," you cursed at the resistance that was in the sky. "this is the galaxy's fault. why did you take him away? you could've had me, not him!"

your sobs were broken, your heart shattered, and lost hope of everything. you blamed everyone and everything, trying to calm your breath. you felt rage, and rage only. vexation and vengeance fell over you, consuming you entirely. it took you into its hostage grasp, and it became you. 

you had realized everything would've been different if you had listen to him and took his hand. if you were just simply became his empress, took down the resistance and stood by his side forever. you whimpered to that idea, and collapsed onto the ground, your back touching the cold floor. 

something had to be done.

and you were willing to do what should've been done in the beginning.

**_FIVE MONTHS LATER._ **

the final order. you were the empress of it all, and had risen it from the ashes of not only the first order, but the empire. you were doing what kylo wanted, and wouldn't let him down. the galaxy was in your grasp, and in great despair — you fed off their despair.

"empress.. we found the last remains of the first order archives," a general spoke beside you as you stared out into the galaxy. "all we found was a few videos that were recorded on the finalizer and past supreme leader snoke's supremacy. they're waiting in your quarters."

"thank you, general lei," you said, turning around and careened to your quarters, your long black cloaked draping behind you, onto the floor. you wanted to laugh and smirk at how all officers, stormtroopers, and more became still when you passed by them, no emotion on their face. you were their ruler after all, and could kill them in a touch.

your hatch doors opened, a red case laying on your bed as you walked over to it. you popped open the lid of it, pushing it back and found a datapad, taking it out. you took it out, and sat on the edge of your bed, turning on the device.

_'SUPREMACY #2954' ,_ was the first of the archives you clicked on and a hologram of kylo kneeling to snoke had popped up from the screen. 

" _this silly girl has made you weak, hasn't she?_ " snoke asked in a harsh growl, standing up from his mighty throne and glared at his apprentice. "have i taught you nothing?"

"she means nothing to me," kylo denied, head hung down.

"you do not lie to me, ren.. _ever_ ," snoke said, his hands folding into tight fists. "maybe i should beat you, as i use to. knock common sense into that naive, foolish _head_ of yours!"

"do it, then!" kylo shouted, snapping his eyes towards and into his master's. 

"all you've ever done is disappoint me," snoke muttered. "no wonder why your parents hated you."

"they may have, but she doesn't," kylo told him, standing up. 

"if she isn't dead in a month, or with no head, i will end you," snoke threatened, throwing a warning glance in the direction of ren.

"then who will fill in the shoes of darth vader? certainly, general hux cannot," ren pointed out, and you shut down the hologram before it could go on — you could imagine how it ended. you shivered to the imagery of snoke, haunting flashbacks flickering in your head.

your finger selected onto the next archive — ' _FINALIZER #4772_ '

you had also saw how it dated on the day you were in the medbay after being brutally attacked and stabbed by ivy mika, groaning at the smallest thought of her. she was worse than that resistance, and you hated that. you despised all of it. 

another hologram had appeared, and you saw the new scenery of kylo sitting in front of the mask of darth vader. you listened to his words closely and carefully, swallowing down the anxiety that stung in your throat. your heart began to race and beat hastily to ever word ren spoke as he simply only brought himself down to.

as you were unconscious in the medbay, he had been trying find new guidance and a way to protect you. all he wanted was to protect from the entire galaxy, and everything he wasn't protected from. he beat himself down for altercation that was your fault, and because you had interfered into ivy mika's life. 

you felt sick to your stomach watching and listening to the archive. you shut off the datapad and tossed the datapad across on the bed. 

you peeked over your shoulder, eyes falling onto a crinkled paper and hummed to the notice of it. your fingers got it, and you brought it onto your lap, unfolding the paper, to find there were two paper, written front and back.

you opened it widely and eyes caught the glimpse of the first few words.

_"dear little flower,_

_i'm writing this as you are on your way to make the stupidest decision. i don't have much time as i'm writing this, due to the suspicious and murmurs that are around me, and i fear they know that i am all of the light. the purpose of writing such a basic thing is my fear of how this will end. i fear we will both be losing in the end, and this letter will be the last thing you have of me. so if it is, i want you to remember that i love you, more than life itself. i love you everyday and every night. i never forget about you, as you are the only thing i can concentrate and worry about every moment that i am not with you._

_"i have hurt and broken you, i will admit that, and i can only apologize, not able to fix my mistakes or the pain i have inflicted onto you. you did not deserve to go through such a thing with, and you deserve more than what i give you. i do not deserve you, and we both do know that. but, i also don't want to lose you, and i refuse for anyone to take you from me. in the moment, when you had escaped a second time, i was on a practical rampage and had every officer and general working to find you, and the chip i had planted into you didn't work as i thought it did._

_"i cried, and didn't sleep nor eat. i didn't feel human or as myself when you were missing and i was so angry of leaving you alone. i was scared that the resistance had you once and for all, and i would never be able to get you back. i punched walls, and slashed my saber through walls. you probably would've beaten some sense into me if you saw all that... but i was in fear and fear ate me more than angry did. i tried to ignore my feelings and focused entirely on finding you._

_"i wanted to find you because i wanted you to come home... and i didn't want to lose my home. words or metaphors cannot describe how entirely in love i am with you. i'd bleed and sacrifice myself to save you. i'd kneel to you any day, and prove my submission to you, my love. because i would do anything to make you feel loved and safe. and if there's anything i learned from you, its that you have compassion. in the moments you wanted to kill me, you still showed me compassion, and i love that the most about yourself._

_"and i am so sorry it took me weeks to confess to you, and that happened in the medbay. but i love you, sweetheart. i always will, and that will never change. i hope we love each other in every lifetime._

_"x, ben."_

you hadn't noticed you were in a puddle of sobs until the whole two papers were soaking, as if they were drenched by rain. you inhaled sharply and folded the papers together again, holding it close to your chest. you sniffled and squeezed your eyes shut, breathing shuddering. this letter was the last of him, and you hadn't been able to reach him throughout the force.

you had tried everyday to connect with him, drained and exhausted mentally, but there was static and white noise to your attempts. you were sure you had lost him forever, and that made you feel weak and fell into a river of agony. 

yet, in his letter, he was right — you both did lose in the end. 

there was no chance of surviving together, nor being forever. death was in the face of you and him, but were so blinded to it because of love and lust that heated between the two of you. you ignored it all, and you were an idiot. 

you should've taken his hand, but you didn't. you regretted that everyday.

you didn't take his hand until he was dying and you watched him vanished into nothingness. you were too late, and there was no going back. you'd give anything to see him once more, and hold him close to you for the last time to say a proper goodbye. you shamed yourself for the cruel, rude things and words you said towards him.

it was too late for anything. 

there was soft knock planted against your hatch door, making you wake up from your thoughts and memories. you laid the letter on your bed and wiped away your tears, taking in a hard, deep breath.

as you walked to your hatch door, a cold feeling held you frozen for a second and felt as if a new life had awaken inside of you.

you ignored the feeling and opened your hatch door, finding new general talla there. she bowed her head and you hummed, waiting for her to speak.

"we found an undetected ship in our radar, ma'am. would you like us to start targeting and shooting at it?" the general asked and the cold, living feeling came back into you, yet expanded throughout you. you froze there, no response given. "ma'am?"

you had felt this since... _ben._

"no.. no, no! do not do anything and allow it to land in a hangar bay," you commanded, storming out of your quarters, with the general tailing behind you and your heels assaulted the floor with every step you made. 

you questioned if it was possible for such a thing to happen. the feeling was alive and well. it was beating and breathing, being an entire human. you were the only dyad to ben solo, and could only feel such a thing if he was alive. 

you rushed to the hangar bay, your hands grasping the ends of your cloak to pick it up as you ran and alerted every stormtrooper to prepare their weapons to be sure it wasn't an enemy instead.

you wondered if he had came back, not lying in the world between worlds any longer and had found an escape of somehow. you had hope, after losing it the second ben died in your eyes and had became one with the force. 

if the heavens had finally stopped punishing you, and granted you your prayer, you'd thank and worship them everyday for as long as you lived.

you stood on the ramp, with two generals on your side and a few stormtroopers behind you. you had your hand over your lightsaber, that was designed just alike to kylo's, as a precaution and prepared weapon to be used. 

the ship began to make its approach closer into the hangar bay, and every second it did, your heart race went up. the feeling surged throughout you and was in you, becoming one with it.

a dyad in the force, two that are one. 

the ship landed quietly and safely onto the hangar pad, no movement being made, as you stared at it. the windows were all a tinted black, and the ship was rust — you were stunned it would be able to work.

then, with vapor rising out of it, a door opened and you leaned in closer to see, your palate cotton and dry. the built-up anxiety pounded at you, and walked down the ramp's stairs, taking hesitate, steady steps.

"reveal yourself!" you demanded. you could hear a familiar chuckle being made from the person, tears in the brim of your eyes. 

one foot stepped out of the ship and then another, your eyes glued to the sudden movement that was happening. your eyes slowly move upward to see the identity of the human that making themselves known.

and the human's face was all too similar and your heart sunk into the pits of your stomach. your body trembled, and every eye that looked at you saw how easily vulnerable you had became, simply because of the sight of this person.

you refused for it to be true, and thought you were dreaming. the impossible was in front of your eyes, and tears dripped, as you were paralyzed — stiff too. 

you inhaled alas, and let it go.

"ben," you whispered.

_THE END._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE — thank you so much for all the love and support you have given this fic. it was quite the rollercoaster, but this is by far my most favorite fic i ever written, and i am so pleased many of you enjoyed it. you all truly have my heart, and always touch it with all the encouragement and praise i am given.. i love you all more than anything and im literally crying as im writing this lol. but thank you endlessly, and i cannot wait to share more with you in the future. with all love and happiness, nani. <3


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